“Where are you running off to?” Jason catches me before I can leave, voice playful. “We’ve got some time to make up.”
“What is wrong with you, Jason? Do you not have a heart or a conscience at all?” The glare I sling in his direction hits home, and he realizes I’m not playing around.
“Wait, you’re seriously leaving? Why? What the hell happened? I was only in the bathroom for like, ten minutes!”
“A little bird made me see sense, and thank fuck for that. I can’t believe how close I came to making the biggest mistake of my life!” I shove my foot into my boot and fumble with the zipper.
“Elle, what are you talking about? Can you just stop for a minute and talk to me?” Desperation tinges his voice, and he grabs my arm.
And I really think I need to yell at him.
I stop putting my boots on, slap his hand away, straighten up, and stare him down. “I know about Mandy.”
Oh his eyes.
Windows to the lying bastard’s soulless void. How could I have ever thought he’d changed?
“How did you—”
“Really? That’s the first thing you ask? The first thing out of your mouth is, ‘how did I find out?’”
“You’re right, that was a stupid question. You surprised me is all.”
“I surprised you?”
“Well, I wouldn’t have thought you’d go through my phone.”
I suck in a giant breath to scream at him.
He holds up a hand. “No, I can’t really blame you for invading my privacy like that. I’d do the same. Though I probably wouldn’t have gone out with me again if I was you. But that’s one thing I love about you, Elle. Your soft heart. Your compassion. It’s rare and beautiful.”
“You have got to be kidding me.”
He frowns. “I don’t understand the issue.”
“Oh my fucking god, Jason! I mean, our obvious history aside, you’ve been seeing someone who thinks you’re still dating! And you don’t think that’s a problem?”
“No. She’s just a girl I’ve been seeing. No biggie. You were seeing that suit who talked to you at the restaurant. I forgave you for that.”
What the hell did I ever see in this guy? “No biggie? Were you always this callous and I just didn’t see it, or did something happen to you? She’s a human being! You tell her you love her.”
“Not for a while. Long distance things never work anyways. And even if I’d have stayed there, it wasn’t working out between us. Besides, it was time to come home.”
“What is this? You didn’t like it there, so you come back and ditch her like you ditched me?”
“It’s different. She’s not you.” He steps forward, reaching out to run his hands up my arms. I shake them off. He continues talking. “You’re the one I want to be with. I thought I could move on, but I was just kidding myself.”
“Funny how I’m The One, but you were dating her two weeks after you left. You gave our relationship a two-week mourning period? That’s what I was worth? That’s how quickly you got over me?”
“I never said it was a good idea. Maybe it took me dating someone else to appreciate what I’d lost. I didn’t know what I had until it was gone. But I’ve gotten that out of my system, and I’m ready to settle down. You’re the only one I want. You’re the one. I see a future with you.”
His unmitigated arrogance makes me faint with anger and shame. He thought he could come waltzing back into my life, picking things up where we left off, regardless of what he’d done to me. And I proved him right. I let him back in. No wonder he kept phoning, texting me—he knew it was a matter of time before I caved.
I would have left here tonight, but he might have had the chance to worm his way back into my heart after I’d gotten over Dominic. Now no way.
Jason may have gotten his foot in the door, but I’m throwing myself against it as hard as I can. He’s not getting any further into my life.
“Why the hell would I want to be with you after all you’ve done?” I snap.
“Because I’ve changed. And you love me. I know what I did to you was wrong.” His casual tone contradicts every word that comes out of his mouth.
“Right. And you learned from what you did to me.” My voice drips with sarcasm.
“Yes. I’m a better person now.” He smiles, missing my sarcasm completely.
I swallow back laughter, or vomit—I can’t tell which it is. “If you really think that, then you’re even more messed up than I thought. It doesn’t matter that you think you’re better now, that it’s okay to do that to her because you want to be with me. I’m not okay with it. You’re still treating someone like shit, like her heart is disposable and her love is worthless. And if you think I could be with someone like that, then you don’t know me at all.”
I jam my other boot on and whip the zipper up.
“And I really don’t think you ever knew me, Jason.”
“Elle, walking out that door is a mistake.”
“Letting you walk back into my life was the mistake. But I’m done. Don’t ever contact me again.”
“Elle!”
I wrench open the door and walk down the hall as fast as I can without running. I may be an idiot for giving him a second chance, but I still have a shred of dignity left, and I won’t run away from him.
Anger corrodes my insides, eating my heart, dissolving tears before they form. Too furious to cry, I stomp into the elevator and punch the G button.
One disaster after another. My exes are nothing more than a liar’s club with pretty eyes. I am so done with dating; I narrowly avoided catastrophes getting entangled with either of those assholes. They both had me completely fooled. I am such a moron, incapable of judging character. Obviously I can’t sort the good ones from the bad.
Maybe they’re all bad.
And isn’t that a depressing thought.
I can’t get home fast enough. Maybe I’ll never leave the house again. A smoke-induced stupor is the answer to all my problems.
Chapter Twenty-Nine
“You have four new messages.”
Dominic: “Elle, please—” Delete.
Dominic: “I don’t know what I did, but—” Delete.
Dominic: “Please, just answer me—” Delete.
Dominic: “Talk to me, let—” Delete.
Fuck you, I will not talk to you, or give you a chance to lie to me some more. With each deletion, instead of feeling better, my heart freezes a little more in my chest, becoming a painful lump of ice, deadened and unfeeling.
The worst part is I miss him. I’d thought that it would be Jason’s second betrayal that would hurt more, but really I haven’t hurt over what he did. He hasn’t called, which only shows that he never gave a shit. Not really. But I simply don’t care enough about him anymore. He won’t get any tears from me; I cried myself out over him months ago.
But Dominic. He’s an open wound. It’s his face I need to block from my mind by smoking way too much. His voice, his eyes, his smile. His touch that—oh God, I can’t do this. My heart is a crumbling cavern, imploding from the pain. I need to freeze my feelings, and burn him out of my life. He’s gone and all that’s left in me is hurt.
And anger. He betrayed me so casually it makes me ill.
I squirt in a few eye drops to soothe my eyes and cover up the crying from Nick and Kennedy. I didn’t bother telling them about Jason’s second betrayal. It’s too tiresome. But I have told them everything about Dominic.
After bearing all of the pain from Jason for months alone, the look of horror, and compassion in their eyes was almost as painful as what Jason and Dominic had done to me. But hugs and words of encouragement helped, as did their righteous indignation on my behalf.
They bashed him, and Jason for good measure. I cried, they made me laugh, and then we all got really high.
Today’s Tuesday. I’ve called in sick to work. I told them I’d be back in three days, that I’ve got a bug or something. That it’s vicious and I ne
ed time to get over it.
It wasn’t quite a lie.
Nick doesn’t work until tonight, and Kennedy has taken today off with me in solidarity. Maybe she just wanted to hang out and get high, either way I’m glad for the company. We were up smoking until after four in the morning, and I’m the first one up. It’s two p.m. I step out of the shower, towel off and lotion my skin, sensitive from the too-hot water.
My chest hurts from last night’s smoking binge, and I hacked up a gross amount of phlegm when I woke up. My body clearly doesn’t appreciate this relapse into smoking, but I’m past caring about what’s healthy. I relish the numbness the weed brings me, and the ache in my lungs gives me a nice distraction from the pain in my heart.
I’ve never understood people who self-mutilate more than I do right now. I’d never do it. But I understand it now. Wanting a break from the emotional pain so much that you’ll resort to physical pain just so you can focus on something else for a minute. Even that one minute would be the greatest relief in the world. Physical pain barely registers. I waxed everything yesterday and felt nothing.
Dominic’s betrayal so soon after all I’ve gone through with Jason has done me in. The near-miss with Jason again makes me sad, but it’s a relief I caught on sooner rather than later. It’s more emotional bullshit than I know how to deal with right now. I just never saw any of this coming.
Nick, Kennedy, and I have big plans. As soon as we’re all up, we’re going to start smoking weed, and we’re going to watch some action movies where people kick things and blow shit up, and the only feelings people get are angry, hungry, and stabby.
Pulling a fuzzy sweater over my damp head, I slide on a pair of yoga pants. The sweater is a warm hug, soothing me, bringing me a tiny measure of comfort. An irrational urge to rip it off and put something scratchy on comes over me, but I resist it, knowing it’s just self-flagellation, and won’t make me feel better.
Kennedy meets me at the coffee pot. “Hey.”
“Hi.” I grab the creamer from the fridge. “Still up for some ass kicking movie time?”
“You bet your ass!”
Nick walks in. “I’m in too! Let me jump in the shower first. Knock some stink off me.”
“Ew. Thanks for that visual,” I joke.
“Yeah.” Kennedy has a glint in her eye. “Thanks for the visual.”
We definitely meant vastly different things by that.
“Should I order a pizza or something?”
“That would be good.” Kennedy nods. “Get some wings too. They go good with action movies.”
“Too bad we can’t get beer delivered.” I’d like a beer or twelve.
“Well, we can always make a mercy run if need be.” She chugs her coffee. “I’m going to go start chopping the buds.”
“I’ll be right in as soon as I get some caffeine in my system. I hate waking and baking. Just makes me feel tired all day instead of nicely buzzed.”
“I know.” She walks into the living room. It’s nice they haven’t made a big deal about me smoking again. The last thing I need right now is a lecture or a big production to highlight my poor decisions in men. I fill the biggest mug I can find with cream and coffee and slurp a third of it back. Topping it up with more coffee, I walk into the living room and sit on the end of the couch by the window.
Kennedy’s listening to something that scratches across my mind like claws on a chalkboard. I shudder and whimper at her.
“Shit! Sorry, Elle.” She slips her headphones on and plugs them into the stereo. “I just want to hear this one song from their new album!” Her voice is way too loud because of the headphones, but I smile and give her a thumbs up, letting her know I don’t feel bad about being ignored.
It’s disgustingly beautiful outside. I’m not sure if a thunderstorm would improve my mood, but I’m positive that the obnoxious sunshine and the fluffy clouds annoy the crap out of me right now.
The scissors make a pleasant snick-snack slidey sound that travels up and down the backs of my thighs. Closing my eyes to savour another mouthful of coffee, I almost spit it out when I open them to see Dominic’s car pull up in front of the house.
Am I seeing things? What the actual fuck is he doing here?
He gets out of the car and purposefully strides up the walk.
His presence works better than the coffee – outrage slaps my synapses, fully waking me up. If he thinks I’m letting him in, he’s got another think coming!
Casually, so as not to alert Kennedy that Shit’s Going Down, I set my coffee down, and walk around the corner. I reach the door and step outside before he gets up the steps. A scowl paints my face as I pull the door mostly shut behind me and cross my arms.
“What are you doing here?” I’m not going to crumble. Focus on the anger, not the hurt. I can do this.
“Elle, I can’t believe you’d throw us away like we were nothing.” He looks more tired than I’ve ever seen him. Dishevelled, and I still want to wrap my arms around him and pretend the betrayal never happened. Because that worked so well with Jason.
“I didn’t throw anything away. Don’t even try to blame me for anything. This is all on you. It’s over.”
He sighs, an angry exhalation. “Are we not going to talk about this?”
“About what?”
“So you were just going to break up with me by not breaking up with me? That sounds familiar for some reason.” His eyes are hard and hurt my heart.
But I have to stay strong. “Yeah, I know how much that sucks. But it’s not like you did nothing.”
“What are you talking about? I’m trying to figure out what I did, and I’m coming up blank, Elle. Help me understand. I thought everything was amazing, but then you stopped returning my phone calls out of nowhere.” He crosses his arms. “Then I see you on a date with your ex! I don’t know what to think, but I know something happened. But you won’t pick up the damned phone and tell me what’s going on!”
“Because you think I owe you an explanation? What, I should ignore what happened and just keep answering your calls? You think you deserve an answer, or my time, after what you did?”
“I didn’t do anything!”
“After all that, why would I answer your calls?”
“Why wouldn’t you?” He looks confused and hurt.
“Dominic, save your breath. I saw you.”
“Saw me what?”
“At Arland’s. With her. The night you blew me off for our date.”
“At... Oh, right. Well that—”
“The night you lied to me and said you were stuck at the office all night. You were clearly on a date, taking that woman to Arland’s with another couple. Really cozy. She’s beautiful, whoever she is. I hope you’ll be happy together.” Choking on the words, I move to get back in the house, because we’re done here and I need to go get really high now.
He walks up the steps.
“What the hell do you think you’re doing?”
“I’m coming inside and we’re talking about this properly.”
“No we are not. We’re finished talking. I’m done.”
“I wasn’t on a date. I was at work.”
“You must think I’m a complete moron.” Incredulity sharpens my voice as he pushes past me into the house.
I rush in and block him from getting further than just inside the door, using my body as a barricade. “I did not invite you in. Do you think you can just barge in here—”
“The couple you saw are our clients. Anna and I were taking them out for a drink after work. We’d been—”
“Who’s Anna?”
“She’s a junior partner at the firm. We’d been stuck in litigation for thirteen hours, when the other side caved. The clients took us out to celebrate, and we couldn’t turn them down. It’s bad for business. I didn’t even want to go.”
“And I’m supposed to just believe that?”
“Did the couple look familiar?”
Yes, they had. “Maybe.”
>
“TM Investments. Ring a bell?”
Of course. They were taking their parent company on over...well. Something I can’t quite remember. But it’s been on the news.
“They hired my firm. It was a huge coup for us for them to have hired us. But the fact that we won? God, it’s a huge deal, a real victory.”
“I saw her kiss you. You guys were all over each other.”
“She was swept up in the moment. But we never kissed. I promise you.”
I think back to that night. Had they actually kissed? She ran at him, he twirled her around, and then she leaned in. Her hair was whipping around, Dominic’s feet stilled, and then my bus came. I didn’t actually see a kiss. “I don’t know.” My mind races. “You looked pretty chummy.”
“I can only imagine how bad it looked after my text.” His eyes are sad, his voice tinged with regret. “It went no further than that. But you’re right. It went further than it should have, and for that I’m sorry. But we were just celebrating with clients, and got carried away knowing we wouldn’t have to deal with them anymore. It’s been an exhausting month—I don’t have to tell you that.”
It makes sense when he says it like that. But doubt remains. “Is Anna really just a co-worker? You’re not making this up?”
He pulls out his phone.
“You don’t need to call her, that wouldn’t prove—”
“No, I’m not calling her.” He pokes at the touch screen, then shows it to me. It’s his firm’s website, inside the partner’s section. “Was this the woman you saw me with?”
Her hair’s neater and styled more severely in the photo, but it’s definitely the smoky brunette I saw him with. Her bio is right there. Anna Sutherland.
“So you weren’t on a date with someone else?” My heart thaws for the first time in a week and starts pounding with hope.
“No. I don’t want anyone else.” His incredulous eyes and adamant tone prove he’s either telling the truth, or the best actor ever. But I don’t think he’d look so torn up about losing me if he was cheating.
I lean against the wall, legs weak with relief.
“What about you?” His voice is hesitant as he makes careful eye contact. “Did you and Jason—”
Just Breathe Page 21
