by Lily Rose
Yes, in a complicated way. “I told him no.”
“What?” he blurted. “Why did you say no? You love the guy, right?”
“Of course.” There wasn’t a doubt about that. “But I don’t trust him. He’ll hurt me again like last time. I couldn’t handle that.”
“Well, I wouldn’t hurt you.” The sincerity in his voice rang true like a distant bell.
“I know.”
“So, let me get this straight. You dump this amazing, sexy, and successful guy that’s hooked around your finger, and you turn down your ‘soul mate’ when he asks you to take him back. Frankie, what do you want?”
It was a good question. “I don’t know…but it’s not either one of those.”
17
The Burn
Hawke
Everything hurt.
Everything.
I’ve been hurt a lot in my life, physically and emotionally, but hearing Francesca tell me that…broke me.
We were done.
I messed it up too bad.
She didn’t trust me.
I pushed her away.
And I only had myself to blame.
I wasn’t the type of guy who cried. It simply wasn’t in my nature. Even when I was a child it didn’t happen. Either, I was emotionally stunted or I simply had been hurt beyond repair.
But I cried.
I turned away from Francesca and left without looking back. My sight was disrupted by the droplets, and my nose burned with every breath I took. My chest cracked from the pressure of my broken heart.
I hated myself. I left Francesca to protect her, but all I accomplished was ruining us both. Now I couldn’t get her back. Now I couldn’t fix it. I lost the one girl I loved. She was the only person who knew my secret. She was the only person who understood me, and despite all my flaws, accepted me.
But I threw her away.
I didn’t go to work the following day. That’s how hard I was taking the rejection. I stayed in bed and waited for the phone to ring. I hoped Francesca would change her mind and call me.
But I knew she wouldn’t.
The following day, I got back on my feet and tried to carry on. Francesca was always on my mind, and I was easily distracted during the day. In the back of my mind, I’d always thought I’d have the power to be with her again if I chose to. But knowing that option was gone shook the ground beneath my feet. The day I left was the day I said goodbye to her. She hadn’t been mine ever since.
I blew it.
Every day passed like a meaningless blur. I couldn’t tell you what I did or what I ate. My mind was working at lower capacity because the rest of my body had shut down. I used to work out to relieve stress but even that didn’t interest me.
Axel texted me a few times and asked me to get lunch with him.
I always told him I was busy.
He probably knew what happened between his sister and I. Francesca would tell Marie, who would tell Axel. He was probably smiling right now, thrilled that Francesca made the right decision.
But I really loved her.
There was a knock on my door.
I sat on the couch and debated answering it. If it were Francesca, I would be there in a heartbeat. But a week had come and gone and I hadn’t heard from her, so it was unlikely to be her now.
They knocked again. “Hawke, I know you’re home. Open the door.” Axel banged his fist against the wood.
If he knew I was there, then he wouldn’t leave until I gave him the attention he wanted. I opened the door then walked back to the couch, not even trying to be a decent host. “What’s up?”
“I haven’t heard from you all week. You disappeared from the map.” He sat beside me on the couch and faced the TV.
“I’ve been busy.”
He made a disgusted face. “With my sister?”
Unsure what he meant, I turned to him. “What?”
“My sister. Is she in the bedroom or something?”
Why would he think that? “No.”
“But I’m guessing she’s been here a lot?”
Did he really not know anything? Or was he just playing dumb to get me to talk? “She hasn’t been here at all, Axel.”
Axel finally understood my meaning. “You decided not to tell her how you felt?”
Was he being serious? “I did tell her.”
“And?”
“What do you think?” I snapped. “If she took me back, I’d be grinning right now.” I put my feet on the coffee table and stared at the TV.
“She said no?”
“Don’t act like you don’t know anything.”
“I really don’t…”
“You expect me to believe that?” I snapped. “Francesca told Marie what happened, and I’m sure she told you.”
He remained serious, and his eyebrows didn’t furrow like they usually did when he was lying. “She didn’t say anything to me, Hawke. And I never told Marie what you told me.”
“Why not?”
“Because I knew that goddess would run off and tell Francesca everything. I assumed that conversation was between us.”
If he didn’t know anything, that would mean Francesca hadn’t told Marie. She was keeping the knowledge to herself but I wasn’t sure why. Maybe I would ask her one day…if we ever spoke again. “Well, I told you what happened. She didn’t want me.”
Axel didn’t gloat or look even slightly pleased. “Did she say why?”
“She loves me and always will, but she doesn’t trust me. I hurt her when I left and…she couldn’t handle going through that again. Honestly, I don’t blame her. But, she and I are different than other people. I thought she would give me another chance.”
Axel scratched the back of his neck. “I can’t believe it…”
“You got what you wanted.”
“I…” He rested his forearms on his knees. “I don’t get it. She leaves that guy because she wants you, but when you want to start up your relationship, she says no? I don’t understand.”
“It’s complicated…”
“I’m really surprised.”
I crossed my arms over my chest. “I don’t know what to do, Axel. I’ve never been so low.” I rested my neck on the back of the chair and looked up at the ceiling. “She’s it for me.” I didn’t like having deep conversations with anyone besides Francesca, especially not Axel. It was just too weird. But I didn’t have a filter at the moment and just blurted out everything. “She’s the one. She’s the only girl I care about. But I messed it up so bad that she can’t be with me.”
Axel leaned back in the chair and held his silence.
I wish I could turn back time and change the past. I wish I’d turned around and walked back inside that apartment. Instead of leaving, I should have picked her up and never let her go.
“I think I can help you.”
What did he just say? I lifted my head up and regarded him.
“But you’re going to have to tell me why you left the first time.”
That wasn’t something I was willing to do.
“I’m not trying to be nosy,” he said with a raised hand. “But I can’t figure this out unless I know all the facts.”
“Why do you want to help me anyway? You told me to crash and burn.”
“I know what I said.” He didn’t meet my gaze as he spoke. “But if I did something stupid and Marie left me…I would do absolutely anything to get her back. It seems like you really love my sister despite what happened in the past, and I know she’s obsessed with you. But I need to know what happened, Hawke.”
I debated telling him for a long time. It was my darkest secret in the world, but if I could trust anyone to keep it to himself, it was Axel. “You can’t tell Marie.”
“Promise.”
“I mean it, Axel. If you betray me, we’re done.”
“I already gave you my word.”
I cleared my throat before I told him the entire story, from the very beginning so it would make sense. I told him about my abusiv
e childhood and the way my mother protected me. Then I told him about the relationship I had with my mom once I moved out and how I was constantly saving her from my father’s blows. Then I told him about the night I left—and why I left.
Axel took everything in without saying a word. He moved his hand to his forehead and pulled it all the way down his face, squeezing the bridge of his nose before he lowered his hand to his chin. “Wow.”
I didn’t feel better sharing that secret with another living person. In fact, it just reminded me of all the demons that still haunted me.
“I don’t even know what to say.”
“You don’t have to say anything. Don’t pity me or look at me differently. That’s the worst thing you could do.”
He nodded.
“Now that you know, what difference does it make?”
“It makes a huge difference, actually. I thought you left her because you got tired of her or because she made a small mistake and you held it against her forever. I didn’t realize…that was the reason.”
“I would never leave her unless I had to.”
“Hawke, you would never hurt my sister. How could you possibly think that?”
“Because I already did. Remember?”
He sighed. “It was clearly an accident.”
“Don’t make excuses for me,” I said coldly.
“I’m not.”
I averted my gaze. “I don’t want to talk about this anymore.”
Axel dropped the subject.
“Now, how can you help me?”
He rubbed his chin. “You want my advice?”
“Advice for what?”
“How to change her mind.”
“I’m not going to change her mind. Francesca doesn’t change her mind about anything. If she decides something, she sticks to it, practically out of principle.”
“Just don’t give up on her, Hawke. Convince her why she should give you another chance.”
That wasn’t so easy.
“Look, she’s already in love with you. She claims you’re her soul mate. All the hard work is already done. Now, you just need to stand your ground and tell her she doesn’t have a choice. You’re hers and she’s yours. Period.”
I eyed him closely, surprised by the suggestion.
“It’s what I would do with Marie.”
“Yeah?”
“Yeah.”
Francesca seemed set in her ways. When she told me it wouldn’t work, it was clear she already made this decision sometime in the past. The idea of living without her, never having a real chance with her, broke my soul. I couldn’t live out the rest of my life this way, never being with the one person I actually loved.
Axel was right.
I couldn’t give up.
18
Round Two
Francesca
After a long day at work, I lounged around in my apartment. I lay on the couch and hardly moved, and even when my stomach rumbled, I didn’t get up. When I was depressed, I hardly ate anything.
My stomach growled just when someone knocked on the door.
Please be a pizza guy.
I wore my flannel pajamas with the hole in the crotch, and I had my bunny slippers on my feet as I headed to the door. It was probably Marie with a bottle of wine and a stack of wedding magazines.
I opened the door and blurted, “I’m sick of picking out flowers.”
Hawke stood on the other side, carrying two grocery bags. “Good thing I don’t have any flowers then.”
My jaw dropped, and I tried to mask my surprise. “Uh…hi.” Why did I have to look like crap right now? My hair was in a messy bun, and I wasn’t wearing any make up. My tank top had a chocolate stain on it from the liquid chocolate I sucked right out of the bottle.
Why is this happening to me?
“Hey.” Hawke was suave, like always. He acted like he didn’t notice how terrible I looked. “Can I come in?”
“Why?” The words sounded rude, even to me. “I mean…what’s going on?” Last time I saw Hawke, he left me on that park bench. The conversation was more painful than the break up itself. And now he was on my doorstep like nothing happened.
“I wanted to make you dinner. You liked my salmon so much.”
“Uh…” Why couldn’t I say something that sounded remotely intelligent?
He eyed the door then me. “I’ll let myself in…” He walked past me and headed to the kitchen.
I pumped dry shampoo into my greasy hair then plastered on make up as quickly as possible. I exchanged the old and stained pajamas for yoga pants and a pink camisole.
When I came back into the kitchen, Hawke was almost done with dinner. “I’m making cilantro lime tacos.”
“Sounds good.” I wasn’t even sure what that was.
He turned off the stove without looking at me. “You didn’t have to change. You looked great before.”
Liar.
He set the table then poured two glasses of wine. Then he sat down and waited for me to join him.
I took the seat then eyed him across from me.
“Do you need anything else?”
Why was he waiting on me when it was my kitchen? “I’m fine. Thanks.”
Hawke ate his food quietly, not staring at me like he usually did.
I thought I would lose my appetite with his presence but I was still starving. I ate my food quickly and silently. It really was good. Everything Hawke made seemed to be delicious.
Hawke sipped his wine when he was finished with his meal. He looked out the window to the city beyond.
“That was really good.”
“Thanks,” he said. “And thank you, Google.”
I was still processing the fact he was there, sitting across from me at my kitchen table. “Hawke, what are you doing here?”
He gathered the dirty plates and carried them to the sink. His back was turned to me and it was pretty clear he wasn’t going to answer my question. After he was done with the dishes, he sat on my couch.
Now I was even more confused.
I joined him in the living room and immediately crossed my arms over my chest. “Hawke, what’s going on?”
“What do you mean?” He eyed me from his side of the couch. “I just wanted to have dinner with you. Is that okay?”
“Of course. I just…I guess I’m confused.”
“What’s there to be confused about? Even if we aren’t together, we can’t stay away from each other. So, we may as well just give in.” He turned to the TV and kept his distance from me. He grabbed the remote and changed the channel. “South Park is on. You like that show, right?”
I nodded.
“Then South Park it is.” He settled into the chair and didn’t make a move toward me.
Whenever I was close to him, I felt that natural pull. But tonight, I didn’t feel anything at all. The confusion of the situation was throwing me off balance, and being so close to him made it difficult for me to think. So I just sat there and watched TV.
And so did he.
I grabbed my dumbbells and stood over my mat.
A loud whistle sounded behind me. “Spandex is the best gift man could get.”
Without turning around, I knew who it was. A smile upturned my lips. “Just like briefs are to women.”
Kyle came to my side wearing a sleeveless shirt that he cut up himself. His defined arms and shoulders were on display. And that happy grin was on his face, like always. “Five pounds?” He laughed at the sight of my weights. “Come on, we both know you can upgrade.”
“I’m doing abdominal exercises.”
“Use a fifteen-pound plate. I know you can handle it.”
“I’m not as strong as you think.”
He pulled his ear buds out of his ear and stuffed them into his pocket. “I haven’t seen you here in a while.”
“Yeah, I’ve been working a lot.”
“And planning that wedding.”
“Yep. I love Marie, but I’m excited for the wedding
to be over. It constantly weighs over my head.”
“Imagine how she must feel.”
Hawke bought her a twenty thousand dollar wedding dress. She was in heaven right now. “What’s new with you?”
“I have a date tonight.”
“Oh.” I didn’t expect to feel hurt by that, but I somehow was. “That’s nice.”
“Yeah, she came on to me when I was at the bar a few days ago. She’s nice and pretty but…” He shrugged. “Honestly, I’m not really into it. But since she had the courage to make the move and execute it so well, I couldn’t say no.”
“She sounds like my kind of girl.”
“You’d like her. But I’m not feeling it.”
“Keep an open mind.” I wanted Kyle to be happy, especially after the way I hurt him.
“That’s what I’m doing. Maybe it will make me feel better.”
Even that made me a little jealous, but I hid my reaction. I had no right to feel anything toward him, especially jealousy. And if I showed any sign of that, it might confuse Kyle. “If she has that kind of confidence, I’m sure she’s great.”
“Yeah, probably.” But he still sounded indifferent to the idea.
A man approached us from our left but I didn’t turn his way. He was probably heading to the free weights against the wall.
Kyle glanced at him then turned back to me.
Once we realized the guy was standing right beside us and had no intention of leaving, we both turned to him.
It was Hawke, wearing a gray t-shirt that fit his body perfectly. It highlighted his powerful chest, and the curve of his pectoral muscles. Even his shoulders were defined in the fabric. His shorts were loose on his legs, but his calf muscles were ripped. He had the physique you would see in a Calvin Klein magazine.
Why was he here? We didn’t go to the same gym.
“Hi…” Every time I saw him, I sounded like an idiot. He always put me on alert when he was near, and that made me stutter like I lacked any ounce of confidence. He made me nervous, but some would say in a good way.
“Hi.” His eyes were glued to my face, and he didn’t blink while he examined me. The looks he always gave me were intense, strong enough to make anyone blink. While his eyes were blue, they took on a darker hue depending on his mood.
