by Lily Rose
Why did this entire thing blow up in my face?
Why did I have to leave Francesca to begin with?
I gave Francesca space because I knew how upset she was. She needed time to calm down and ground herself. She was the kind of person who needed to lick her own wounds. No one could do it for her.
I was terrified I would never fix us. Too much damage had been done. She was constantly scared she was going to lose me again, so she always kept me at a distance. When I got too close, she found a reason to leave.
I didn’t know what to do.
After a week of silence, I showed up at her door. I stood outside for a long time before I finally had the courage to knock. She would probably look through the peephole and realize it was me. Then she wouldn’t answer it.
But she did answer it.
Her walls were up the minute she looked at me. Eyes void of all emotion stared back at me, and her normally jubilant attitude had disappeared. She wasn’t ready to talk to me. A week wasn’t long enough.
“Can I come in?”
She didn’t open the door wider. In fact, she didn’t say anything at all.
“There’s something I’d like to say, but I’d rather not do it in the hallway.”
Francesca considered my request before stepping aside.
I entered her apartment and no longer felt collected like usual. I was actually scared that I would fail. If I never made this right, I would never have the one thing I wanted.
Everything was on the line.
“I just wanted to say—”
“I realized how deep I’d gotten in with you,” she crossed her arms over her chest as she stood in the middle of her living room, “when I saw her name on your phone and what she said… Well, I died inside. I know you aren’t mine but knowing you were someone else’s, even for a short period of time, kills me. And that’s what scares me. The fact I’ve fallen so hard all over again terrifies me. That’s why I flipped out. That’s why I got upset. It wasn’t because I was jealous. It was just because I hated myself for letting you in.”
I put my hands in my pockets and let seconds of silence pass. I wanted to make sure she was finished before I spoke. When I realized she was done, I took my turn. “I understand that. It makes perfect sense.”
Her hair was in a braid over one shoulder and it reached past her chest. I loved it when she wore her hair like that. It was so innocent and so sexy at the same time.
“You were right about what you said before. I never called, and I never came back for you. You’ve never really had a chance to tell me how you felt. You never told me what you went through. I want you to tell me. I want you to scream at me. I want you to let it out.”
She slowly turned to me, her gaze unreadable.
“Francesca, tell me.” I sat down on the couch and watched her. “I want to know.”
She moved to the seat beside me and rested her hands in her lap.
I wanted to wrap my arm around her waist but I kept it to myself. I wanted to pull her into my lap but I managed not to. She needed me to listen, and that’s what I would do.
“You want to listen to me whine?” she asked incredulously.
“It’s not whining. Talk to me.” We could never move on unless she put the past behind her. She needed to confront me, to get all the ill feelings off her chest. I knew it would hurt me, but I deserved to be hurt.
“My life was a bit of a blur. I repressed most of it, honestly. Every night, I would go to sleep and hope I wouldn’t wake up the next morning. I’m not trying to be dramatic, like losing a boyfriend is something to make you stop living. But you filled the hole that formed when I lost my parents. My mom left involuntarily, but my dad…chose to leave. You fixed all of that. And when you left…I went through that loss all over again.
“I lost my faith in love. I lost my faith in everything. Marie and Axel looked after me the best they could, but I gave into the darkness and took Marie’s pain killers…the entire bottle.”
I wasn’t sure if I could listen to this. It broke my heart—literally.
“I passed out and can’t remember the rest. When I woke up, I was in the hospital. Marie said they pumped my stomach and got everything out before it was too late. Her shift ended early that night. If it hadn’t…I wouldn’t be here right now.”
I closed my eyes in anguish.
“Marie and Axel paid more attention to me after that. When I wasn’t with one, the other was there. They traded shifts, working out a schedule to be with me. After the episode with the painkillers, I didn’t try anything else. I wasn’t suicidal. I just had a bad night when I spotted the pills in the bathroom.”
No wonder why Axel was so hard on me.
Francesca continued talking about her life after I was gone. It was lonely and cold, and she didn’t know how to go on after the fire died out. There was no blame in her tone. In fact, she judged herself for collapsing so hard. “I was angry with my father for leaving us…but then I did the same thing to Axel. I can’t believe I put him through that.” Droplets formed on her eyes then they fell down her cheeks. She sniffed loudly and tried to stop herself. Her fingers wiped the moisture away, and her chest heaved because it wanted to release everything inside.
“Let it out.” I moved my hand to hers.
She blinked quickly and kept trying to stop herself.
“Muffin, don’t keep it bottled inside.” I pulled her into my lap and pressed her face into my neck. Once she was against me, she sobbed. Her body convulsed in my arms and she cried her heart out. I’d seen her teary-eyed a few times, but she never bawled like this.
I ran my hand through her hair and down her back to soothe her, but nothing could fix a broken heart. I knew I did this. It was my fault. When I turned around and left, I knew it would hurt her. But I didn’t understand the destruction in my wake. I thought I was saving her, but in reality, I was destroying her.
An hour passed before her tears started to dwindle. She sniffed and wiped her cheeks, and there was a long pause before her eyes were finally dry. She clung to me and didn’t break her hold. Eventually, she fell asleep. Her chest rose and fell at a steady rate. Her body was exhausted from the emotional hit.
I gathered her in my arms and carried her into the bedroom. When I lay her down, she didn’t wake up. Her hair cascaded across the pillow, and she looked like a mermaid lying on the beach.
I removed my clothes, except my boxers, then got into bed beside her. My arms formed a protective cage around her, and my eyes took in the beautiful features of her face. The skin around her eyes was slightly red from constantly rubbing the area, and her nose was irritated too. Even when she cried, she still looked beautiful.
My absence caused her unnecessary pain, and I would always regret that. I didn’t trust myself to be the man she deserved, to control my anger and sheath it rather than unleash it. But I had to do it for her. If I just focused and channeled my anger into a positive outlet, I could do it. If I just left the situation whenever I was angry, there should never be an issue. When I saw Kyle at the gym, I wanted to break his neck, but I managed to keep my arms by my sides. I didn’t say a word because I knew that would open the gates of my rage. Thankfully, he left the situation so I didn’t have to.
There was no other option. If I couldn’t make this work, I would lose Francesca forever. My life would be hollow and empty, and the beauty that filled it would disappear. I’d been with hundreds of gorgeous women and there wasn’t a single flaw in any of them. But never once did I feel anything more than lust. Not once did I want something more.
But when I met Francesca, I did.
Axel could call me a wuss for thinking she was my soul mate. People could judge me all they wanted. I knew how crazy it sounded. But it was the truth. I recognized it a long time ago. There was a connection between us, and even when we were hundreds of miles apart, that connection still rang true.
This was where I was meant to be.
20
New Beginnings
Francesca
When I woke up the following morning, I felt weightless. The baggage sitting on my shoulders had disappeared. Somehow, I felt better. I felt different.
I felt whole.
I didn’t want to cry in front of Hawke. It was something I was always self-conscious about. But he wouldn’t allow me to hide any longer. So I sobbed into his shoulder, reliving the painful way he abandoned me.
Now I felt like a new person.
I opened my eyes and looked at Hawke. He was still asleep, his hair messy from rolling around on my sheets. The hair on his chin was more prominent because he hadn’t shaved in over a week. His hard body was still defined even though he was fast asleep.
He was beautiful.
My reservations disappeared last night. It was hard for me to trust Hawke again after what he did, but my heart still yearned for him. Keeping him at bay was like asking a gray cloud not to rain.
It was impossible.
He seemed to know I was awake because his eyes fluttered open. He stared at me with squinted eyes as he came back to reality. His arm was around my waist, and when he felt me, he squeezed me gently. A quiet sigh escaped his lips, masculine in tone. “Hi.”
“Hi…” My hand glided up his arm until it settled in his hair. I felt a strand then twisted it in my fingers, an action I used to do years ago. His hair was slightly curly, and I loved to feel it in my hands.
Hawke watched me, his eyes glued to my face. He noticed the change in atmosphere, and the fact there wasn’t a concrete wall erected around my heart. He didn’t blink as he watched me, not wanting to miss a single thing.
My fingers stopped twisting his hair then rested on the side of his face. I noted the rough texture of his incoming beard. The touch was sexy, manly.
Hawke stared at me like he was waiting for something.
I was tired of pushing him away. I was tired of keeping us apart. I could keep running from this, but no matter how far I ran or where I went, I would always end up back here.
I pressed my face close to his then let the tips of our lips touch. I eased into it, not wanting all of it at once. Hawke’s lips moved slightly against mine, an involuntary reaction. I brushed my lips past his, feeling the build up in my heart. I was anxious for this kiss. I knew where it would lead and what it would mean.
But I wanted it anyway.
I leaned in and pressed my mouth to his. His soft lips felt warm against mine, and the second we touched, I felt the heat sear me like a blue flame. It felt so good it hurt. I gasped into his mouth because every nerve was stimulated. Neither one of us had brushed our teeth but I didn’t notice. I had a feeling he didn’t either.
Hawke tightened his hold on me and pulled me closer, practically gripping me. He breathed into my mouth, his shoulders tensing like the affection was enough to make him break.
After the initial kiss, I slowly moved my mouth against his. I took my time because it felt so incredible. My body coiled up like a wire in intensity. My hand snaked to his chest and moved to the area over his heart. I felt it beat for me, not the falter.
Hawke kissed me harder, his restraint waning. His hand fisted the back of my hair and he gripped it tightly so I couldn’t slip away. He kissed me just the way he used to, but somehow, it was more intense than ever before. He worshipped me with his mouth, and despite the heat both of our bodies generated, there was no lust.
There was just need.
Our lips moved against each other, making quiet noises. Soft moans came from deep in our throats as we embraced.
Without saying a word, we put ourselves back together. I told him I was his, and that I’d always been his.
And he told me he was mine.
I shoved the pan into the oven then set the timer. My body was yearning for the clock to hit five o’ clock. I never watched the time when I was at work, either because I was too busy or I didn’t care, but now I desperately wanted to get out of there.
I couldn’t stop smiling.
I wanted to see Hawke, to run into his arms and never leave. All the pain I carried disappeared when he held me as I cried. When I realized he wouldn’t give up on me, that he was going to be there whether I took him back or not, I knew he wouldn’t hurt me the way he did in the past.
He was truly sorry.
Hawke was the only man I wanted, and I was tired of denying him. I needed him, and he needed me. Most people would give out a second chance after what he did, but I wasn’t most people.
Arms circled me from behind, and large hands moved across my stomach. The scent of his cologne reached my nose, and my heart suddenly danced. His hard chest was pressed against my back, and I could feel the definition of his tie. “Hey, Muffin.” He pressed his lips to my ear, and his voice came out raspy.
I leaned my head back and looked up at him. “Hey, Grizzly.” I hadn’t used that nickname in a long time. Now it felt like I’d been using it forever.
He smiled as he stared down at me, his perfect teeth showing. Then he released a quiet growl.
My hand moved to the back of his neck, and I pulled his lips toward mine. I gave him a slow kiss.
I pulled away and turned around, and then I realized I got flour all over his black suit. “Crap, I’m sorry.” I started to wipe it away but that only made it worse. I knew his clothes were expensive even though he never told me that.
“Hey, it’s fine.” He grabbed my hand and yanked it off his chest. “It’s nothing the drycleaner can’t fix.”
I still felt guilty for making him look like a mess.
“When are you off?” His hands circled my waist and he gripped my hips.
“At five.”
“Well, it’s 4:59. Can you take off early?” He rubbed his nose against mine then stared at my lips.
“I guess I could slack off for once…”
“Good. You work too hard as it is.”
“I have a feeling we’ll be working when we get home…”
He grinned widely, and even his eyes sparkled. “Interesting. I have the same hunch.”
“Let’s go to my place.” I pulled him in the opposite direction.
“Why not mine?” he asked. “It’s closer. And frankly, it’s bigger.”
His apartment was far superior to mine. It was in a much nicer neighborhood and the view was to die for. It was the type of apartment you saw in the movies. Mine was barely superior to a janitor’s closet. “But, all my cooking supplies are at my place.”
“I’ve proved to you I can cook.” He yanked me toward him.
There was an entirely different reason why I didn’t want to stay at his place. And it was childish, immature, and stupid. “Let’s just go to my place. Come on, I’m tired of arguing.”
Hawke caught on to my out of place behavior. “Muffin, what is it?”
“Nothing. I just—”
“Don’t lie to me.” His eyes smoldered in aggression. He only did that when he was irritated, but he somehow came off as sexy.
I avoided his gaze when I spoke. “I don’t want to be with you on the bed you’ve been with everyone else on. I know it’s stupid but…it just bothers me.” I hated thinking about all the women who entertained him while I was fighting to breathe. He was mine, even when he wasn’t. I could sleep with him in that bed, but there was no way I could do anything physical without thinking of the others. It was unfair because I’d had men in my bed but I wasn’t giving him the same courtesy.
“You’re right,” he said. “It is stupid.”
My eyes found his.
“But I wouldn’t be ‘just sleeping’ with you, Francesca.”
I crossed my arms over my chest.
“It’s completely different with you and you know that. But if you’re more comfortable at your place, then fine. I’m okay with that.” He snaked his arm around my waist. “Now let’s go.”
Hawke took his time getting my clothes off. He peeled them away slowly, removing every article of clothing like it was fragile. More and more
of my skin was exposed, and when he saw my bare flesh, his eyes smoldered in desire.
Hawke kissed my neck. He sprinkled it with delicate kisses. Then he made his way to my jawbone, where he followed it all the way to my lips. He gave me a heated kiss, swirling his tongue with mine.
Then he stopped and I was confused.
“I don’t want to rush into this,” he said.
“There’s nothing to rush into. You better not make me wait like last time.” That was pure torture.
“Sorry, Muffin.”
“Give me one good reason why.” I knew I was acting like a brat but I didn’t care.
He held my gaze for a full minute without speaking. “Because we have the rest of our lives.”
21
New Look
Hawke
Want to play ball after work? Axel texted me at the end of the workday.
Can’t. Have a hot date.
He texted back quicker than I could put my phone down. With who?
Who do you think?
He stopped texting me and called me instead. “You guys are back together?”
“You know, you don’t look like a girl but you sure act like one.”
Axel ignored the jab. “Answer the question.”
I smiled and felt odd doing it. Smiling wasn’t in my nature—unless Francesca was involved. “Yeah.”
“Why did she take you back?”
“I think I proved how sorry I was.” And I showed her I would never leave her again.
“Can I tell Marie?”
I laughed into the phone. “I’m sure she already knows.”
“If she does, she hasn’t told me yet,” he said. “Can you do me a favor and not mess it up this time?” His tone was teasing, but it was clear he was being serious.
“I won’t.”
“Good. So, basketball?”
“I told you I’m going out with Francesca.”
“Oh yeah. I forgot. Looks like you’ll be busy from this point onward…”
