First Loves: A Collection of Three YA Novels

by Jolene Perry

  “I guess I want to ask about Luke, but I don’t want to ask because I’m afraid of what you’re going to say.” His voice has the raw, honest edge I’m always looking for from him.

  I don’t know how to answer him honestly without betraying how I feel. “You’re it for me, Shawn. I…”

  “It’s just, the way he looks at you, sometimes, or…”

  Can I lie? To Shawn? “I can’t do anything about what Luke does. But I love you.” That’s it. Simple. And all true. It’s not the whole truth, but it is all true. The part of my brain that’s screaming at me to do the right thing is not going to be heard, not right now. Right now lies of omission aren’t lies. Not to me.

  “Sorry I’ve been so crazy. I promise when I get back into town things will be more relaxed again. You’re almost done with the play. My dad’s gone. It’ll be easier.” But it sounds like he’s trying to convince himself, which sinks me further.

  “Can’t wait to see you.”

  “We’ll talk tomorrow, right?” But his voice doesn’t have the sweet urgency I want when we’re about to say goodbye.

  “Tomorrow,” I agree. And the weight that Shawn and I got rid of last night is settling back in. This sucks.

  ~ 16 ~

  I knew Shawn’s call would come during our cast party, but there was no way I was going to miss it for a phone call. So, now my phone’s crammed against one ear, and my hand’s flat against the other trying to hear Shawn. I’m in the backyard, but the music carries well.

  “You’re making it back in time to see at least the last performance, right?” I ask.

  “Yeah. Mom said we’ll be back. What is going on?”

  “I’m at the cast party. Dress rehearsal tomorrow night.” He knows this. Or he should know this. We’ve talked.

  “Is Mindy with you?” he asks.

  “No, she’s grounded. Her and Paul took a bottle of her dad’s wine the other night and he found out. Then, her and Paul split. So she’s stuck at home and kind of mad about the whole thing.” I feel bad for her, and it’s almost weird being here, but she’d hate me to miss my cast party.

  “Well, Mindy’s always had a short attention span.”

  What?

  “Uh…that’s my friend you’re talking about.” Hopefully I put enough tease in my voice for him to not be angry.

  “I’m just saying it like it is, Ronnie.” His voice is totally unapologetic. “She’s never with anyone for long.”

  “Because we’re in high school. We should be able to date around, or whatever.” As soon as the words are out of my mouth, I know it’s the stupidest thing I could have said.

  “Oh. Yeah. That’s real nice.” He doesn’t even try to hide the anger in his voice, and I can hardly blame him. What’s with me?

  “Ronnie!” Julie calls. She’s the stage manager, and she really manages. A lot. But she’s good at it, so no one seems to mind.

  “Coming!” I yell back.

  “And that means you’re ditching me for your party.” I can picture him now. Pouty face, leaning away from me, hoping I lean in. But I’m not going to. Not right now.

  “If you were here I’d be kissing all over you in their backyard.” I make a kissing sound into the phone and then laugh. There’s too much lightness at the party for me to take him too seriously. Mostly I’m determined that he’s not going to ruin this for me.

  “Text me when you get in, okay?” he asks.

  “Of course. Love you.”

  “Love you.”

  And I take a deep breath now that we’re off the phone. Time to relax and enjoy myself.

  “Ronnie…” Luke grabs my hand and pulls me back inside. “June keeps begging me for a dance. Save me.”

  I throw my arms around him as he moves us to the music. Dancing with Luke is fun. He pulls me close, pressing our stomachs and hips together.

  “Way too sexy, Luke.” I shake my head.

  “Relax, Ronnie.” He widens his eyes. “You’ve made your stance on Shawn and all things to do with the romance department very clear.”

  “Okay.” I let myself smile at the dimples in his cheeks. “Just so we’re clear.”

  “Now, would you relax and just enjoy yourself?” His arms drop to the lowest part of my waist, keeping us together. We don’t have to think or coordinate, we just move together. Thighs touching, hips touching, and I stop myself twice from running my hands down his chest.

  It’s hot in here and hard to breathe, and I must be exerting myself more than I thought because my heart’s beating hard and fast. Then the music slows and I melt into him. Melt. More than just hips and stomachs now; my nose almost touches the side of his neck as we slowly swing to the music.

  His arms tighten around me, and mine around him. My life would be a lot easier if Luke didn’t feel so good, but I trust him. Of course he feels good.

  With no warning, he jerks away. “Just a sec. I gotta pee.”

  I stand in mild shock as he turns and walks off. What was that?

  “Did you and Shawn split?” Julie asks. I spin to face her. “No, why?”

  Her eyes meet mine and then follow the trail Luke just took.

  Right. My chest drops into my stomach, which is now clenched together in something like dread. Luke and I are probably dancing in a way we shouldn’t. And back to my original thought—I’m horrible because I really loved it, and I still miss the heat of him against me.

  ~ ~ ~

  Luke stops his car in my driveway, but I can’t make myself get out. I’m not ready for my night to be over. It seems weird to be sitting in this quiet car, afraid to look at him, afraid of what I’ll see, but my eyes find him anyway.

  His are on me, like I knew they would be. Kind, smiling, patient, waiting—everything I don’t deserve. The guilt and love at the way he’s looking at me hit from two different directions. My swirling emotions are more like a waterfall. I just don’t know which way I’ll end up, which one will win: The warmth of Luke, or the guilt of Shawn.

  “I had fun, thanks.” How lame am I?

  He leans toward me and pulls us into a hug. A hug that’s as warm, soft and patient as his eyes. My body starts to pull away but I can’t let him go, not yet.

  There’s just heartbeats and breathing.

  His hand rests softly on the back of my neck, keeping us together. Our cheeks almost touch, and when I look down I see his lips. The lips I’ve kissed so many times over the past weeks. But now he’s Luke, not Romeo. This means I’m not allowed to feel them.

  I may have convinced myself to do all sorts of horrible things lately—dancing, brushing off Shawn, but not this. This, I know, is off limits.

  We sit for minutes, seconds, hours before I pull away to stare at my lap because one more look from those eyes and I’ll forget I’m not the kind of girl who kisses one boy while loving another. I’m the kind of girl who believes in love and being faithful and… His fingers touch my hand.

  Somehow it’s even more intimate than our hug. Different. Shivers run through me as his fingers slide through mine. Our fingertips touch, our palms slide together and I’m helpless to do anything but watch. I force a swallow down my throat so I can breathe, but now there’s no way he can’t hear me breathing because I can hear me breathing, and nothing else.

  Why does he have to feel so good?

  His voice is a faint whisper, “Ronnie, I…”

  “Shhh.” I need silence. It helps me just feel, and I’m terrified of what he might say. I’m not sure if I could say ‘no’ to Luke right now.

  I shift sideways in my seat and continue to stare at our entwined hands. My eyes close as his fingers start to trace patterns on my palm, the back of my hand, my wrist, my arm. My heart’s flying. The sweetness and softness of him holds me to this spot.

  My eyes find his and it’s too much. It would be so easy just to lean forward and have this. His lips would be as soft as his fingers, and I could feel him through me. His thumb catches my bracelet.

  My stomach hits the
floor and my insides shake and melt away.

  Shawn.

  I jerk my hand from the warmth of his and find the door handle. “I have to go.”

  I can’t look back. Don’t look back, just get out the car and run for my front door. My heart’s hammering. My lungs forgot how to breathe. How long has it been since holding hands was that—amazing? And tonight just adds to the many reasons I’m becoming a terrible person.

  ~ 17 ~

  I arrive at dress rehearsal way early just so I can hide in the girls’ dressing room. I came to a conclusion last night: I’m falling for Luke because I’m playing Juliet and Juliet’s falling for Romeo. Only the realization goes deeper, because part of me has really, seriously fallen for him. All I hope right now is that when this play’s over, we’ll separate and I’ll forget some of what I feel for him, because continuing to be split like this would be torture.

  When Romeo and Juliet is over whatever I feel for Luke will be over. Done. Finished. I’m giving myself these last few days of Juliet before walking away.

  And then I will. Because I have to if I want to save my sanity and be the girl I promised to be to the guy I love.

  ~ ~ ~

  My first scene goes by fairly quickly—just me and my parents, but my insides are quivering at the thought of my first scene with Luke. It’ll be the first time I’ve seen him since last night and our awful, wonderful moment in the car. But we’ll be onstage, and that means he’s Romeo and I’m Juliet. Only slightly better, because Romeo and Juliet are what pulled me into this mess to begin with. I concentrate on breathing as I change into the long, simple white dress and slide on the wings.

  “How do the wings look?” I try to see over my shoulder, but fail.

  “This is unreal…beautiful.” Julie’s hands cover her mouth. “You look…perfect.”

  “Cool.” Dress rehearsals are turning out to be a lot of fun. I step back to look in the mirror, and can’t wait for Luke to see me like this. I feel like an angel, ready to fall in love.

  As I step up to the stage, I know I’m supposed to be with Shawn. I’ve known it since I was twelve and we sat by the creek and kissed our marshmallow, peanut butter kisses. But with this play I’ve been given a chance at something else. To feel something else. I get to love Romeo as Juliet. I need it, and I crave it. I look forward to it all day. And it’s almost over.

  My eyes catch with Romeo’s as soon as we’re on stage. I know him well enough to know he’s looking at me the way Romeo should look at Juliet. I smile, feeling more beautiful than I’ve ever felt in my life. And yes, it’s me, not Juliet. No acting needed, not for this.

  My heart’s pounding, and I let it. There’s no way we’re not pulling this scene off perfectly. Suddenly we’ve found one another. We’ve walked through this scene so many times, but with everyone in costume, and with the lights glowing, it feels different. Our moments of silence and stares are long. Our kisses linger more than necessary and it’s all honest when I can’t take my eyes off him as my nurse leads me away.

  The clapping and catcalls from the cast says that the moment looked as good as it felt.

  I sit in the heat and blackness backstage, as alone as I can be in a group of people. Luke’s onstage, and the darkness that surrounds me brings me comfort, helps me to disappear for a few moments. Only a few more days of being torn apart. Just a few more days.

  At the end of dress rehearsal after we both die, Luke throws his arms around me and doesn’t let go. We’re still surrounded by our cast mates, the crew and everyone, but he’s holding me like we’re the only ones here. After a moment I give in and relax into him, the way I know he wants me to, hugging him back tightly.

  “You did amazing. I was right there the whole time, you know?” he whispers.

  “Me, too.” Way more than I will ever admit.

  ~ ~ ~

  I spend the next two nights—our performance nights—doing my best to avoid Luke aside from our presence onstage. With Shawn out of town, and with how mixed up and blurry all the lines between us are, I know it’s the right decision. Doing something with him I can’t take back…the consequences of that are too awful to think about.

  ~ ~ ~

  I’m preparing for the final night of Romeo and Juliet. Shawn’s back in town. He sends me a text to say that he’ll just make it in time for the performance.

  Knowing he’ll be here makes me more nervous than I’ve ever been. Night after night I let myself be Juliet. I let myself fall desperately, knowing the disastrous end. And every night I do it again with the same force as the first time. And every night I wouldn’t change it, or take it back.

  Our last morning-after scene. Juliet is desperate not to let him go, even though they both know he needs to. I hold onto Luke with everything I have. Aside from the scene in the end where I stab myself, this is it. This is the end of Romeo and Juliet. The end of letting myself fall for his golden brown eyes.

  His hands and lips feel desperate. I wonder if he’ll be as sad for this to end as I am.

  My line, “O think’st thou we shall ever meet again?”

  Luke/Romeo, “I doubt it not; and all these woes shall serve. For sweet discourses in our time to come.”

  He crawls back down from the balcony and slowly backs away, his eyes unwavering. The next time we meet onstage will be our last.

  “O God, I have an ill-divining soul! Methinks I see thee, now thou art below, As one dead in the bottom of a tomb. Either my eyesight fails, or thou look’st pale.” And I feel it through my whole body, the tingling that feels like ice as he walks away from me.

  He spins and jogs off stage. My heart sinks. Our last scene arrives and breaks me more than it ever has. I feel the end, and I know how it has to end, this weird flirtation thing we’ve had going on. It ends with the last show of Romeo and Juliet. And for the first time I sort of get why Juliet had the courage to do it. The pain of the dagger is a lot less than the pain of losing Romeo.

  And it hits me hard. I love them both, Shawn and Luke, and I should have never let it happen. I love Shawn—he’s first kisses and promises and all those sweet things I know I need in someone. Luke is friendship and comfort and trust and now something more, something that draws me to him. But my feelings aren’t fair, not to any of us.

  My tears at Romeo’s death are real, sliding hot down my cheeks and falling on my dress. I take his dying face in my hands, close my eyes, and part of me wishes things were different. Part of me wishes there was no Shawn, and another part of me wishes there was no Luke. A sob comes up my throat, one that has nothing to do with Juliet and everything to do with Ronnie. The audience sits in stunned silence—the best compliment I’ve ever received.

  The lights go off. Luke’s hand pulls on mine, our faces are close in the black behind the curtain, on Juliet’s pyre. My heart hammers in anticipation, and in my need to feel him closer to me. His lips find mine and I kiss him deeply, passionately, without hesitation.

  The lights come up and we struggle to our feet, hands still clasped together, and run backstage before the curtain re-opens. I can’t look at him, but hold his hand tightly in mine, my heart still hammering in a desperate rhythm. When we walk out for our final bow, I scan for my parents. Shawn’s next to them, as promised.

  His jaw flexes. I knew he’d be mad when he had to watch it. How will I fix this?

  Luke’s hand gives mine a squeeze as we stand together in the center of the cast. The clapping blends in with the lights and my fuzziness and my desperation at knowing I don’t get Luke anymore. And that I have an angry Shawn waiting for me.

  The lights go off, the curtain closes, and I don’t think, I run. My hand clasps Luke’s. I run offstage into the back hallway and to the small girls’ dressing room. I drag him inside with me and lean my back against the door. What am I doing?

  “Thanks for believing in me. For telling me I could do this. I’m sad that you won’t be my Romeo anymore.” All true. All okay. Why did I need privacy for this? My heart’s hammerin
g is making it hard to breathe, or maybe it’s from my run, or maybe it’s just from Luke.

  He opens his mouth to speak, but leans in and kisses me instead. The power of him shoots through my core, pulling us together. We’re alone here.

  Romeo and Juliet saying a goodbye that doesn’t end in death. A goodbye with me going back to where I’m supposed to be and him moving on to whoever he’ll move on to next.

  Right now it’s just us. I pull him as close as I can. Our lips move together like we’ll never see one another again. His hands wrap tight around my back trying to pull me closer, even though there’s really no way for that to be possible. Not while standing.

  Footsteps in the hallway signal our time is done. For real.

  The End.

  I pull away breathless. “I have to go.”

  “Ronnie.” He keeps my hand. His eyes see me, through me, know me. “I wasn’t acting.”

  I’m about to do the unthinkable. Hurting Luke makes my stomach turn, but I have no other choice. “I was.” I open the door and run into the hallway before Shawn has cause to be angrier. I need to find him. The lines between Luke and I are blurred beyond recognition and I need him to straighten them out for me.

  “Ronnie!” Luke calls out after me. “Ronnie!” More desperate. I can’t look back. If I do it’ll mean that Shawn was right. It’ll mean that I have to face Luke and what he means to me, and maybe what I mean to him as well. I can’t do it, not right now, not to the guy I’ve loved since I knew how to love.

  Mom, Dad and Shawn are waiting for me as I step from backstage.

  “Oh, honey.” Mom puts her arms around me. “Why are you crying?”

  Am I? Am I crying over what I can’t have?

  Shawn’s brows pull together. He’s confused, and probably doesn’t know how to feel right now.

  How would I feel if he just gave Romeo’s performance with the same enthusiasm as Luke? With someone who wasn’t me?

  “You did a great job.” Dad pulls me into a hug next. “I know Shawn wants to take you out, so I’ll let you guys go.”