First Loves: A Collection of Three YA Novels

by Jolene Perry

  There’s really no way to be with someone when I don’t want to talk to them and don’t want to be around them, which sort of answers half of my questions. The problem is there are so many questions still floating, how will I know if I’ve answered them all?

  My thoughts mix with what I tell her and I don’t know if I make sense to her, because I don’t know if I make sense to me.

  “How does it feel to lose them?” she asks.

  “Horrible!” Of course.

  “Comparatively.”

  I know. I know before she asks because it would feel worse to lose Luke. But is that because I feel like I could actually lose Luke? I don’t know that I could lose Shawn unless I’m the one to do it. Luke driving away proves I can lose him pretty easily. “It’s too muddy.”

  “It’s ridiculous that you think you had any effect on what an asshole Shawn is, and I think it’s messing with your head. The guilt, I mean. And it’s not like you’ve known one longer than the other.”

  What? “Of course I have! I’ve known Shawn forever!”

  “Luke’s been here since we were twelve, he knew Shawn before he left but Luke never left. Luke’s been around, been your friend, and spent a lot more time around you than Shawn has.”

  The thought pushes through my center. “You’re right.”

  “You thought it could be any other way?” she teases. “I’m always right!”

  Wow. “It’s just that…Shawn has felt like everything.” How did that happen?

  “Because you made him everything.”

  “I…” but she’s right again. And somehow by never expecting anything from Luke, we ended up closer than anyone.

  “It’s all starting to hit you again, isn’t it?” Her head rests on my shoulder, and I rest my head on hers in return.

  “What did I do?” Tears start sliding down my cheeks again.

  “Nothing that can’t be fixed.” Her voice holds more confidence than I could ever feel.

  “You should have seen him, Mindy. I crushed him.”

  “Who?”

  Both of them. “Luke. He’ll hate me forever, and he should.”

  “He won’t hate you forever, but he might not take you.”

  “Wow.” I force out a chuckle. “Some friend you are.”

  “I’m just sayin’” She shifts, and lifts her head from my shoulder.

  “I don’t know what to do.” I feel small, lost, and unsure about everything.

  “I can’t believe these words are about to come out of my mouth.” She makes a big show of opening her mouth wide several times as if testing her ability to speak. “You need to tell your parents everything you’ve told me. It sounds like Shawn’s getting worse, not better. He’s going to turn into his dad. And even though I think you should totally dump him for Luke—that’s beside the point. No matter what, he needs to be dumped. Shawn needs help, Ronnie. You need help.”

  “What?” She’s talking about doing stuff that other people need. I don’t need this extra stuff. Help. I can deal.

  “I’m serious. After what Shawn did to you? It’s not just the bruising. I feel like he made you second-guess everything. What you did and didn’t do, what you wore, how much sleep you got, who you were friends with. Is there a part of your life he didn’t touch?”

  “Just the part with Luke.” How ironic is that. “And that part feels like the biggest mess. I mean, he kept me from being with Luke, but he didn’t stop my feelings.”

  “I’m so sorry you’re dealing with all of this.” Her hand rubs up and down my arm.

  “Not as sorry as me.” The weight of how sorry I am clutches at every part of me, weighing me down, and right now I don’t even care if it pulls me under.

  ~ ~ ~

  Even my dad resorts to texting over the few days at Mindy’s house, just to check in. He knows something’s up but won’t press me. Mindy and I watch girlie movie after girlie movie, taking breaks only for snacks or a quick run for fast-food.

  I hear nothing from Luke. Nothing from Shawn. And that’s a good thing. This is the break I needed over Thanksgiving.

  When I walk in the door from Mindy’s house, the smell of fresh bread fills the air.

  “I’m about to take this to Shawn and his mom. Wanna come?” Mom asks.

  The thought makes me sick. I can’t face Shawn without telling him about Luke. I can’t face Luke until I’ve talked to Shawn. I don’t think. And within two seconds of being home, I’m back to uncertainty.

  “I’m just dropping stuff off before I head out,” I say. I start down the hallway hoping not to hear the dreaded question.

  “Where are you going?”

  Crap. Think, think, think… “Going to surprise Dad at work.”

  “Oh.” Her voice is bright. “He’ll love that. He worries too much.”

  Yeah, I think. Maybe he should.

  ~ ~ ~

  I walk the two miles to Dad’s office while rolling the conversation with Mindy over and over in my head. The thought of actually telling Dad everything makes me want to throw up. Even that would be less messy than my life, but it’s not really an appealing alternative.

  The door to his office building is open and I take the elevator to the top floor, the one he and his two partners use. I check my phone for the time, 1:50. He should be almost exactly between patients.

  As I step into the waiting room, he steps out to talk to his secretary. Our eyes meet briefly.

  “Cancel my next,” he whispers. Dad just knows.

  “But…” Her eyes scan the computer screen frantically.

  “Rick had a couple of cancellations, he can take it. Thanks.” His eyes never leave mine.

  Dad stands, smiles and steps back, holding the hallway door open.

  No words are exchanged. They’re not yet needed. Hopefully I can find the ones that are needed when I get inside. I sort of half shake, half float across the room. Now that I’m here, I’m not sure why I thought this was a good idea.

  We’re both in his office, but I just stand— unsure of what to do, where to be.

  “It’s good to see you.” Dad’s arms wrap around me, weakening me, breaking down the walls I’ve so carefully kept up to keep me safe. To keep my secrets safe—from way too many people.

  “You, too.” I pull in a shaky breath, determined not to cry.

  He lets go and tilts his head to see my face.

  Instead of talking, I sit in the chair across from this desk and he sits next to me.

  “I’m not in any hurry, Ronnie. Whenever you want to talk, you can.” His voice is low, smooth, kind.

  I stare at my lap and tell him everything, beginning with the first time Shawn grabbed me. I keep out the panties part, and I keep out the sex and the pressure, but I tell him about how confused my feelings got and how afraid I am that Shawn will be like his dad. I tell him about each incident and watch as my dad’s jaw tightens in anger as he forces himself to take deep breaths.

  I tell him how Shawn always felt ‘meant to be.’ How I feel like I’m betraying how much I love him, and how much I’m torn between the two.

  The silence when I finish pounds in my ears.

  Dad’s large hand rests on my shoulder, and he speaks softly. “This kind of loyal dedication is what someone deserves in a wife that he’s put years of work and trust into, not a young man who hasn’t even started his own life yet, Ronnie. This is the time in your life when you should be able to fly free. If something doesn’t suit you, or work out right, you jump to the next. It’s one of the beautiful things about being young. This way, when you do tie yourself down, you’ll be ready for it.”

  “What do I do, Dad?” I still can’t raise my gaze from my lap

  “I can’t tell you what to do, honey. I want to rip that boy’s head off for what he’s done to you.” Dad’s eyes still rest softly on me, there’s no need for me to look to know that. “And at the very least, he needs some help and you need some distance.”

  Distance. What would that be like?
Just the thought of not dealing with him everyday gives me the first amount of relaxation I’ve felt since the play. “Agreed.” Maybe some distance will also help clear my thoughts—because mixed-up thoughts and mixed-up emotions are exhausting.

  “Ronnie, I love Luke. I really do. He’s an outstanding young man. But you might want to think about taking some time to just be Ronnie. You and Shawn were really young to tie yourself to one another that way. Why don’t you think about being your own person for a while?”

  My own person. Just me. Just Ronnie. It seems so…empty. And what would Luke say? If I understand him right, he’s been waiting for me for a long time. Would he wait longer? How long do I need? If I know he’s waiting for me, it wouldn’t be like living on my own, though, as just me.

  Another thought hits me hard. Luke probably doesn’t want me anymore. I wouldn’t be surprised, not after the heartbreak on his face.

  “I’ve really, really screwed up, Dad.” My fingertips press at the outsides of my eyes, keeping the tears in.

  “Oh, no…” He shakes his head and rubs his hand on my shoulder a few times. “This is normal growing up stuff.” He stops. “Well, not entirely normal. But you haven’t screwed anything up. How about I drive you home and I’ll walk over to Shawn’s house with you, okay?”

  “No.” I shake my head. “I need to do this alone.”

  “I don’t think I can let you do this alone.”

  I broke all of this. I need to fix all of this. “Please let me do this.” Our eyes meet, and as his face falls I know he’ll relent.

  “I want you to know this is one of those times when it kills me to have to let you go.” And it’s all over his face. It does kill him.

  “I’m safe, Dad. It’s okay.” But I have no idea if this is safe, or not. It’s so crazy. I’m thinking about Shawn—peanut butter kisses and cherry shaved ice, Shawn—and being afraid of him.

  ~ 19 ~

  Walking home from Dad’s office gives me thinking time, but it doesn’t do me any good. My brain can’t focus. I stop in front of Luke’s house. Guess Fate tells me that I do this first.

  I’m not sure what to say, but I don’t have to worry about talking to Luke, aside from total rejection. I don’t even know what I’m after yet. Just some understanding maybe. I’ve never held back on how I feel about Shawn, so at least I can talk to Luke and tell him I need space from everyone, but that he was right. I fell for him hard.

  My hand rings the doorbell and I wait, my insides all tightened up with the thought of facing him after letting him just drive away into the darkness.

  “Hey, Ronnie.” His mom gives me this really weird, thin-lipped smile as she opens the door.

  And when I thought it wasn’t possible to feel worse, I feel worse. “What’s wrong?”

  “I’m guessing you’re looking for Luke?” Her voice is nice enough, but something’s happened. I’m sure of it.

  “Is he here?” No. No, he’s not here. I know it right now.

  “He took his finals this morning, all of them. He had enough credits to graduate. He’s gone.”

  My heart drops. It takes four tries to swallow the ball in my throat before I can answer her. “Gone?”

  “Down to live with his dad.” She sighs. “Who still has issues with maturity and not knowing when to leave the office.”

  Luke can’t be gone. My heart races in panic. Gone. Gone. “When will he…”

  “I don’t know, Ronnie.” Her sympathetic look is slowly crushing me from the inside. “He’s…I think he’s just feeling a little lost right now.”

  That makes two of us. My shoulders fall. I did this. “I guess I’ll call him later.”

  Her weight shifts and she sighs. “I’d give him some time, hon.”

  “Right.” She knows. “I’ll give him some time, but will you please at least tell him I stopped by? And that I talked with my dad and told him everything?”

  “I definitely will.” She gives me a wave before closing the door.

  I definitely will. Those three words give me so much relief that I know I made the right decision in coming here.

  And it’s official. I’ve lost Luke. And I’m about to lose Shawn, too. If there’s anything left there to lose.

  Like a brick wall it hits me, as I walk down Luke’s driveway. Even without the possibility of Luke, Shawn is too much for me right now. He just is. The whole thing is. Once I gave the thought of us being apart a chance, a kind of weight lifted off me. That’s enough for me to know I really do need a break. From everyone. Everything. I need to be able to run my own schedule, do what I want, when I want and not worry so much all the time. Although it doesn’t change how much I miss Luke, or how the word gone is ripping holes through my chest.

  But first, I need to deal with Shawn. And because I’m still a horrible person, I cry for Luke on my way to Shawn’s house. The thing is, I can’t even really internalize it yet—the loss of Luke. He won’t be at school. He won’t share chocolate-covered popcorn while we watch movies. We won’t walk together. It’ll all be gone. Luke will be gone. Every thought hollows me out further.

  The streetlamps come on as I walk to Shawn’s house. So much time has passed. I haven’t been home in hours. I’m starving, thirsty and completely drained. I’m stupid to have come here.

  Shawn opens the door and his body goes stiff. It’s a whole different kind of rejection. “Hey.” I raise my hand in a wave like an idiot. “Wanna come in?” he asks.

  He’s obviously hurt, I can tell by his expression, but he’s not angry. I’m fine.

  I nod. I can do this. I take a deep breath before stepping inside. His house doesn’t feel any different without his father here, or with my new knowledge of his life here. It’s just a house.

  “Hi Ronnie.” Diane smiles from the kitchen.

  “Are you staying for dinner?”

  “Uh…not tonight.” This whole thing feels surreal. And it’s like Shawn knows what’s coming. He’s so stoic. His jaw juts forward in some sort of macho ‘I’m-annoyed-with-you’ thing, but I know better. This is when it hits me. I know him well enough that I know what he’s trying to put off. I know him. He’s part of my history, and until very recently, I was sure he’d be part of my future.

  Thinking about splitting with him while walking alone is one thing. Being faced with the boy I’ve loved, and still love, is something else entirely.

  “Okay.” Her smile is wide as she moves back into the kitchen.

  Shawn and I step into his room. It’s still darker in here than I’d like. There’s a dent in the wall where he slammed his fist on the night he was drunk. It gives me some resolve, because the longer I stand near him feeling like he might no longer be mine, the harder it’s going to be.

  “Come to tell me you’re running off with Luke?” His voice is quiet. His face unreadable. The calm is almost worse than the anger.

  “I talked with his mom. He graduated early and left town.” My body remains rigid. Like maybe if I can remain stiff, this all won’t hurt so much.

  Shawn’s brows go up almost imperceptibly. “Oh.”

  I fold my arms in front of me, protection, holding myself together. The bracelet on my wrist is heavy. Too heavy. My chest sinks as I squeeze the clasp.

  His head shakes. “No, Ronnie. I’m not taking that back.”

  The bracelet swings free and I watch the small coin dangle on the bottom. Ronnie. Shawn. It’s too much. Too much expectation. Too much pressure. “I need some time, Shawn. Maybe an endless amount. I don’t know. I still love you, but I…” I hold the bracelet in my hand.

  “You love Luke, too.” It’s the first hint of anger I’ve gotten from him.

  “All that matters is what’s between me and you. And what isn’t.” I find his eyes with mine. They’re not the eyes I fell in love with. There’s too much bitterness, frustration and hatred in them right now.

  “That’s not all that matters here, Ronnie.” He shakes his head. “I want to know what happened between you a
nd Luke.” His voice comes out low and tense.

  “Nothing. He told me he liked me and I stood silent and let him leave.” Shawn doesn’t need the particulars; that’s between Luke and I. But a small knot of fear begins to form in my stomach with how intense he looks.

  His brow pulls together. “But you didn’t come here.”

  “I was too confused. Too hurt. Too scared. Too frustrated.” I hold the bracelet out to him. “I can’t keep this.”

  He closes my hand over it again. “This is a present, Ronnie. To you, from me. Look, if you need some space for a while I guess I get it, but I’m not taking that back.”

  “I can’t.” And I wish I could let him into my brain so he could see how messed up this all is. “I just can’t. Not right now.”

  “So why the hell did I tell you how my life has gone to crap if you were just going to add to the pile!” he yells.

  I jump back. Time to go. And how did I not make sure he didn’t block my path to the door?

  “I can’t talk to you when you’re mad.” I start to move around him, but he steps between me and the door. My body seizes up. I need out. And I don’t care about volume. Not now. “Let me out, Shawn!”

  “Why should I? Huh? So you can trample on me again? I don’t think so! You don’t even fucking care!” He pushes me back with both hands.

  “I do!” I scream. “I just can’t be afraid if you’re having a good day or not! I can’t be afraid to wear a certain kind of shoes! Or to be part of a play! Or to have friends who are boys!” My body’s shaking with tears and fear and frustration and everything that’s been boiling inside of me.

  “But that doesn’t really work, does it? Having friends that are boys? Because now you’re leaving me for him!” He points at me and steps forward again, pushing me further away from the door. I step back.

  “NO!” I’m desperate. The tears are heavy on the edges of my eyes. “Don’t you get it? I don’t get him either! It doesn’t matter! Not to me. Not between us! That’s not what this is about!” I take enough of a breath to stop yelling. “I need a break.” I need time. I need to be me. If I even know who I am anymore.