First Loves: A Collection of Three YA Novels

by Jolene Perry

  …you know, I really thought I’d keep up with theater in college, but I get what my dad does now. The graphic design and commercial stuff. I always thought it was dorky before, but now I get it. It’s art, and I’m loving it…

  Every time I go back to my inbox I have more letters from him. I can’t believe he wrote all of these. My hands shake as I open the next email.

  …Prom is next weekend. Part of me thought about coming back, but after a semester in college, it seems silly.

  I’m trying not to think about who you’re going with. It’s killing me to not do everything in my power to beg you to be with me. To wait for me, because I’m waiting for you. Waiting to tell you over and over how much I still love you…

  …I feel like such a betrayer for talking to your dad. Mine’s never around, even though I’m starting to understand him better as I start to understand what he does. It’s so nice to hear about you and how well you’re doing from someone who loves you so much. I’m sure if you knew we talked, you’d be pissed. I would be. It really isn’t fair that I’m in a position to know how you are, but at the same time, I have no idea if you care how I am, not in the same way. Wish I could have seen you in Arsenic and Old Lace. I’m sure you were brilliant. I’m scared to death I’m making a huge mistake by leaving you alone. It’s that this part of me knows that you need it, even though it’s so hard to give it to you…

  … if you’ll let me, there’s no way I’m staying away from you this summer. I’m wrapping my arms around you the minute you step out of the car. If… IF…you’re ready for me.

  Always, Luke

  “You okay honey?” Dad asks as he drives.

  “Yeah.” But the iPad is heavy in my hands, and it shakes, even though it’s resting on my knees.

  Months of letters. Months. I can’t even count them all.

  “Sorry we didn’t get here sooner,” Dad says.

  I glance out the window at the last gasp of the setting sun. My heart leaps. We’re almost there.

  Luke’ll be here and he wants me. Me. Even after all I did. And we’re here. So close. I start to pull out my phone, but I’m looking past Mom and Dad out the windshield. Right. Don’t really want to talk with Luke when I have company. Only a few more minutes. I can wait that long.

  The second we stop, I leap out of the car, throw my parents a wave and say something about finding Luke. My legs push hard as I run down to the beach. It’s empty. I see one jogger in the distance and no one else.

  My whole body is strung up on nerves and hope. There has to be a way to calm myself before seeing Luke. I’m still shaking. I start to walk south, hoping that walking will slow my heart down. Slow my thoughts.

  And even though my dress is linen, and brand new, I step into the edges of the waves. The cool water sliding bits of sand through my toes is something I’ll never get tired of, but walking isn’t what I need now—there’s too much pent-up energy inside me.

  I pull my skirt up and run like I did when I was a little girl. I run fast and hard, letting the water spray out in front of me, splattering up my dress and making me feel five years old again. My laughter breaks the stillness of the air and lightens me, almost enough to fly with the gulls.

  I stop, completely out of breath. The beach is still empty. Really, I should do this every day. I’m probably almost all the way to Luke’s house. My heart races. What will happen when I get to his door?

  Just a few more minutes of prep, right? I can do this. I can see him and tell him I love him and that I’ve missed him. It’s like my heart’s higher up in my chest than it should be, the excited tension still makes my chest flutter.

  My dress is already wet, so it really doesn’t matter how much water I get on it. I drop the skirt and let the wet ends soak up the ocean as a wave comes up to mid-calf. I walk in until I’m knee-deep. That was always the rule. Knee-deep, no further. Even now, at eighteen, I still feel safety from that. Like nothing can hurt me here.

  But things are different now. I’m eighteen, and I obviously really know how to get myself wet. I can sink and drown, like I almost did with Shawn.

  I step in deeper. But not much. Just over my knees. Just so I know I can do it. My dress blends and disappears into the water around me. I feel like a mermaid or something, coming up for air. The surf hits my knees hard tonight, must be a spring storm somewhere out in the Pacific.

  “Ronnie.” My name comes out in a rush of air.

  I spin to see Luke just before he wraps his arms around me, pulling me tightly against his chest. My heart beats against his as our bodies press together.

  “You’re here early,” he whispers in my ear. “I missed you every day. Every day.”

  “Me, too.” I squeeze my eyes tight and pull harder. Why didn’t I call him? Why didn’t I do more or try harder? I’m holding Luke. After months of not knowing, not understanding, my arms are around him and I’m holding him the way I should have the night he begged me to be with him. “I got your letters.”

  He pulls away just enough to see my face, and it’s like he wants to see all of me, as if we’ve been apart for years, not months. His eyes flit around my face, taking me in before going down to the water between us.

  “Knee deep.” He smiles, running his fingers down through the ends of my hair. “Feel safe here?”

  “With you.” And that’s really it, isn’t it? I feel safe with Luke. I trust him. I trust him and it means more now. Because after Shawn, I’m going to be much more careful with who I give my trust to.

  Our eyes meet again, and there’s no way we can stand like this and not kiss. Every cell in every part of me pulls and pushes toward him until our lips are together, sending waves of shivers through me. The kind that heat me up, fill me, and take me over in a way I want to be taken over again and again. His hands cup my face in his. I swim in him, get lost. My hands lightly grasp his wrists as his hands hold my face and our mouths slide together again.

  He pulls away first, keeping our faces close enough that I feel his warmth.

  “I’m so sorry I didn’t send the letters sooner. I just…I needed to feel like you had time. Like you were really ready to be with me.” His lips brush against mine as he talks. “And this is day to day, Ronnie. No pressure. I don’t want to see anyone else, but… But the last thing I want for you is for you to feel trapped.”

  “I could never feel trapped with you.” I push up on my toes.

  “So, we’re way past knees, right?” he teases.

  I pinch his Lego t-shirt. “We’re all the way in.”

  We kiss again, but now it’s different. It’s everything. There’s no way of knowing where I stop and he starts, where the water touches me, where my feet hit the sand, because it’s all pulling for us. Pulling for this moment.

  We’re hit by a wave and I stumble backward, but my foot gets caught in my dress and there’s nowhere to go but down. I scream as I laugh, and Luke keeps my face above the water, coming up for air just as we’re hit by another wave. He sputters the water out of his mouth and I kiss his salty lips as we’re both doused again.

  He pulls me onto his lap and we sit at the edge of the ocean, the water still sliding up and over my waist.

  “I feel a little silly sitting in the ocean in my clothes.” I press my nose into his dimple, and his fingers stroke my hair again, and the sides of my face, my shoulders…

  “Sorry, I can’t stop touching you.” His smile is softer than mine, full of things that are real, that are love, that are part of Ronnie and Luke. And I know, as he feels me with his gaze, that I'll have some big firsts to add to my notebook. Soon. Maybe in just weeks.

  His hand rests on the back of my neck and our mouths meet again. His kiss is deep, warm, and unrelenting. The cool water swirls around us. My body will never recover from the way he touches me. Maybe I’ll have new firsts in just days…

  He climbs to his feet and pulls me up to stand beside him. My dress clings to me, making it hard to move. We’re caked in sand and saltwater�
� the perfect start to summer.

  “I love you, Ronnie Bird.”

  “I love you, too.” Maybe I’ll have something to add to that notebook in hours…

  He pulls me into his arms, harder this time, grabbing fist-full’s of the back of my soaked dress, his mouth pressing into mine. The cool night air is no match for the heat that is Luke, holding me like he needs me.

  “Let's find you something dry to wear.” His breath is hot on my ocean-soaked face.

  My heart explodes in my chest, sending heat through me, happiness, excitement. Maybe my list will change in minutes...

  His golden eyes hit mine again, but only because he’s pulled far enough away for me to see them. “You ready?”

  “For anything.”

  EPILOGUE

  LUKE

  My muscles ache from the early morning surfing, but the sun is slowly loosening the tension. Ronnie lets out a soft sigh next to me.

  She came early to watch. Again.

  I blink a few times to see her cheek smashed against her towel as she naps on her stomach. It takes both of us about ten minutes to put on enough sunscreen for her pale skin, but I enjoy every second of it.

  Her fingers slide toward me, but her face doesn’t change until her fingertips reach my arm. She smiles. Her eyes are still closed, and her body’s still relaxed, but she’s smiling.

  “I love you,” I whisper.

  “Mmnfoo,” she mumbles.

  I roll onto my side and kiss her shoulder.

  Getting up at five am doesn’t agree with her.

  “You know eventually we’ll need to leave, right?” I ask. But not yet. Today is my one day off a week, and we soak up every minute of it.

  “mmm-hmm.”

  Part of me wants to grab her and run into the water. Instead I scoot over until our shoulders are touching. “Only a couple weeks left before you start your freshman year. You excited?”

  “I’m behind,” she mumbles as she cracks an eye open.

  “What does that mean?”

  “You’ve finished your freshman year already.”

  “We’ll still have some classes together.” And some apart, too. I live in fear of smothering her the way Shawn did.

  I don’t want to be with anyone else. She doesn’t either. But I’m also not going to trap her into any kind of forever. At least not yet.

  “I love you,” she says quietly as her eyes drift back closed.

  I rest my chin on my hands content to watch her and the people beginning to come down to the water. “I love you too.”

  And this is us. We make sense. And every day and night that I spent wishing for her was worth it for the simple idea that I’m the guy she wants lying next to her in the sand.

  Acknowledgements

  Wow. This book. I’m not sure where to start except to say that didn’t realize how many similarities there were between my life and this.

  I fell in love with my husband in high school theater, and left my “mandatory bad-boy” boyfriend for him. He was otherwise occupied at the time, but it didn’t matter, and we got together, on the water, at high school graduation.

  We were married two years later.

  I hate the idea that anyone would stay with someone controlling or abusive just because they feel like they “should.”

  Ronnie’s story was not an easy one to tell. Thanks to authors Chantele Sedgwick, Kaylee Baldwin, Steph Campbell, Nyrae Dawn, and artist Heather Hubb for reading this manuscript and making it something I’m proud of.

  My playlist for this book was The Script – all the time. I run when I hit a plot stump, and let me just say that The Script isn’t the best running music. I ended up doing a lot of walks while writing this…

  (Shawn’s story)

  Jolene Perry

  I tap my fingers on my knee as Mom drives me home. Finally. Eight months didn’t feel like much, until I was locked up for that amount of time.

  The world feels different. Changed.

  Logically, I know it’s not—at least not much. But logic doesn’t always keep me grounded the way it should.

  The last thing I was asked by my counselor was what I’d learned while incarcerated.

  How the hell do I even answer that? I told him I passed Calculus, even though no one at juvie could tutor me. Then I chuckled and shook his hand and he chuckled along with me because I have the same gift as my dad.

  Divert.

  Make friends.

  Walk away.

  Doesn’t always work. But I’m out on parole instead of in jail, so it worked okay.

  “Do you want something special to eat for your first night home?” Mom asks.

  She turned so…small. She’d blame Dad, I’m sure she would.

  He’s also been locked up. Some added stress at work, and a few out of proportion arguments with Mom, and he has about three years left of his sentence. Or close to that. I’m not about to ask Mom, and Dad isn’t answering my emails.

  What kind of asshole won’t talk to his son?

  I feel the tension twisting into anger, and I push out a breath. That’s supposed to help. Next step to dispel the anger is counting down, but now that I’m out, I don't have to do that shit anymore.

  “Whatever’s fine,” I say.

  “We could swing through In N Out Burger.” Her smile is forced and too big.

  It’s just weird.

  The last time I was there, I was there with Ronnie. Her soft lips against mine. Her promising to stick by me. The knife that seems to be permanently lodged in my chest twists.

  I start to tell Mom I’d rather not go there, but she’s turned into the drive-thru, so I guess we’re going to shove another shit memory into my brain.

  * * *

  Sucks being in my old room. I really thought that being back home would help me realize that the hell of juvie is actually over. It’s the end of July. My friends graduated without me last month. They’re all working their summer jobs, or taking another family vacation, or hanging on the beach in their second homes…

  Everybody knows about me. I’ve had just enough visitors to know that. Ronnie went back to school with a bruised face, and I’m the villain.

  I’m not saying it was okay to hurt her. I didn’t even mean to. I didn’t want to, I just…

  My fists ball up remembering that night.

  Why couldn’t she have just kept the damn bracelet?

  The knife digs in deeper.

  Because even though she said she’d always love me, she really wanted to leave… Just like Dad. Just like whatever’s gone from Mom.

  Actually.

  I wanna leave too. At least for a while.

  I stand up and open my closet. I’m not restricted in what I can wear anymore. Juvie was strict, but at least I wasn’t in a jumpsuit or scrubs or something.

  The closet is organized. My room is too neat so I know Mom went through everything. Or…maybe everything. After spending all my spare minutes at the juvie gym, I’m not even sure what of my old clothes will still fit my broad shoulders, but I grab a few favorites and shove them in my large backpack.

  Flipping open one of the cabinets on my desk, I slide my hand over the inside and my fingers grasp the taped envelope.

  Dad was always tight with money, and it was a habit I picked up. I also never wanted to miss out on an opportunity to do something fun because I didn’t have the funds.

  But the saving money plan didn’t really pan out the way I thought it would. Turns out juvie keeps you from all sorts of fun things—whether you have money or not.

  Senior bash.

  Senior skip day.

  Senior beach day.

  Prom.

  Graduation.

  Graduation night.

  All because every single thing in my life was working against me at once.

  I’m packed in ten minutes.

  I haven’t used anything in this room in over a year. I don’t need any of it. I blink and see Ronnie in here.

  Dammit. I hav
e to shake her. Mom finally admitted she thought that Ronnie and Luke were together. She backpedaled quickly saying that they were both on the beach for the summer so she was probably mistaken.

  Well.

  At least I have one destination figured out.

  * * *

  It’s one am by the time I reach the public access to the beach. But driving my Honda motorcycle at night is the best. Everything is sharper. In tighter focus.

  Every house on the beach has porch lights, and there are even more lights near the public access. I adjust my pack, step off the bike, and start up the sand. As tempted as I was to just go to the house Ronnie’s parents always rent, this felt smarter.

  There’s a bonfire in the distance, and I figure that’s my best bet. I walk just on the edge of the wet sand. I don’t want to get my white shoes dirty, but the loose sand gets everywhere, and I'm not into that either.

  As the flames, voices, and bad music gets closer, I slow down. Everyone looks so…light. Like they’re not weighted down by pasts or futures or mistakes or anything.

  What the hell am I doing here?

  Ronnie won’t want to see me. I don’t really want to see her. I just… I want to know.

  I edge in closer, just now able to scan faces. I watch for Luke’s smile and Ronnie’s lanky frame but see neither.

  This is stupid.

  I shouldn’t be here, I just don’t know where else to go. I wanna jump out of my own skin and run. Run…

  I’m packed. I mean, I have everything I need, or almost. I have a few thousand dollars in my pocket. I can last a while.

  Instead of getting closer to the party, I walk back toward the parking lot. I want to just run the rest of the way there, but again, I’m in the damn sand and it’ll get in everything if I move faster.

  “No!” I hear a girl squeal and look up just in time to see Luke hoist Ronnie over his shoulder and run for the water.

  It’s like someone’s taken the knife from my chest only to stab it in a few more times. The air leaves my lungs, fury tightens my muscles, and it takes every ounce of willpower in my body to stay where I am.