First Loves: A Collection of Three YA Novels

by Jolene Perry

  She bites her lower lip. She doesn’t want to answer. “I can’t believe I never saw it. You liking me.” Sarah’s eyes find mine. Her voice is soft and I have a closer view of her freckles than I ever have.

  “Well, I never said anything.” I pull my knees up and rest my arms there. I’m trying to be casual, but I know why she broke up with him. As unbelievable as I thought it would be the night I watched them dance, she broke up with him, at least in part, because of me. I just want to hear her say it. “Why did you break up?” I want honesty, please.

  “Jameson, I…” She leans toward me, watching me, but I don’t know what I’m expecting from her. Or really, from anyone at this point. “I got swept up in what I thought I wanted. When I think of some of the things I said to you and how I acted around you, it makes me cringe. I miss you.”

  Please tell me what I want to hear. Tell me you like me. That you broke up with him for me. Maybe it doesn’t matter. Maybe Sarah will heal up the ragged edges left by Sky.

  “I miss being around you and…” She doesn’t say any more. She closes the rest of the distance between us and presses her lips to mine.

  I don’t react at first. I’m in shock. This is Sarah. My Sarah. I know I’m confused and that everything has gone to crap, but maybe that means something can go right. I slide my good hand up her arm until it’s resting on her neck. I bring us together again. She kisses me back in the way I’d imagined for all three years we were friends.

  Three years I’ve wanted this and can’t enjoy it because I’m split into thirds right now. One third of me is thrilled to finally have Sarah in my arms. One third of me is screaming because I want Sky here instead. And the final third is mad at everyone. I’m mad at Sarah for not seeing us sooner, and not saying what I wanted to hear. I’m mad at Sky for not telling me about her daughter, and mad at my parents for splitting up. And now, to top it all off – I’m scared for my dad who’s spending the night in a hospital.

  Is this my wrap-up? The BS romantic comedy I was kicked out of, and shoved into a drama instead? Is this my happy ending? Or is it something else?

  It’s too much to deal with, too much to think about. I tighten my arm around Sarah, and kiss her harder.

  TWENTY-SEVEN

  I’m suspended for three days and grounded indefinitely. I’m missing some of my final days of senior year. My teachers and I have gone back and forth on email. They’ll make sure I’m able to maintain grades. Not one of them likes Eric as much as me and I think they all have a better picture of what’s going on between the three of us than the principal.

  I’m banished from using the phone. Even Sarah doesn’t try – probably afraid I’ll find myself in even more trouble. I don’t think Dad would be as harsh, but the last thing my parents need is me driving a wedge between them. I stay in my room.

  I lie on my bed and think about the day Sky and I lied on her bed together. I think about the story she told me. About how she said there were things she wanted to tell me, but that they’d all scare me away. Was she just way more vulnerable than she seemed? Was Sky an act? Her confidence, her flirt, her smile? I’m not sure. I hate that I’m second-guessing everything. I hate that she hasn’t called, and I hate that she hasn’t even bothered to send me an email to try and explain.

  Now I feel guilty because there’s things I should tell her. Like I kissed Sarah and have no idea of where things stand. Does it matter that I kissed Sarah? I want it to matter to Sky. I want her to call. To be mad at me, or to say she’s sorry. Anything.

  I’m determined to take the high road. Determined. I’m going to clear everything on my side. Everything. I sit in front of my computer and type.

  Sky –

  This is me being brutally honest. Sarah kissed me. I don’t know how I feel about it. I wanted to prove to you that I could tell her and I did. She broke it off with Eric and came to my room a few days later. I was mad at you, scared about my dad (he’s okay now, had a heart attack) she kissed me, and I kissed her back.

  Everything suddenly feels temporary. I thought I could trust you. And now I feel like an asshole because I just told you I kissed another girl and then I complain about trust – you know what I’m saying.

  Why did you think I didn’t want to know you like that? Enough for you to share with me? It feels like the whole time we were together, I thought we were something different, and we really weren’t. I don’t know what to do with that.

  I miss you, Sky, like I’ve never missed anything. I don’t know if I have the right to say that, but I do. I broke my phone. I’ll get myself together. Everything’s a mess right now. It’s not how I pictured my senior year. I’ve been wondering if I’ll hear from you.

  Jay

  “If” is the shittiest word in the English language.

  Maybe this is how we end. Me and Sky. Maybe it’s best. Maybe I was here to listen to her about her family, and she was here to listen to me about mine, and about Sarah. Maybe we were just put together for this short time to help one another with these crazy things we have going on. The thought about crushes me.

  Now I could have Sarah, I think, and things will start to be like they should have been in the beginning. Only knowing I can be with Sarah doesn’t feel like I thought it would. Something’s missing, and I can’t put my finger on it. The simple fact is that she’s not Sky.

  - - -

  After three days of movies where stuff is blown up and people drop the f-bomb in British accents, every guy movie in the house has been watched. I’m looking forward to getting out of the here no matter what. Dad’s still in the hospital. He gets to leave today, but I’m not sure where he’ll end up.

  I drive to school, finally, and I want to feel that nervous anticipation of hoping I’ll get a glimpse of her, hoping we’ll see one another. Instead, I know I’ll see Sarah in the morning and again for third period English. We’ll spend lunch together and might meet after school for swimming. I know what will happen. There should be something comfortable in predictability, right? I mean, honesty turns me on and predictability doesn’t? Is that right? What I’m feeling?

  The truth is that I don’t know where Sarah and I stand. I don’t know what to say to her or what I want from her.

  I step into the government room with my binder. Just graduation is left. We have days left in school. Days.

  Sarah’s holding a letter in her hand and laughing with Kaylee. I’m glad to see her, it’s been three days, but am I as happy about it as I should be? I don’t know. Again, she doesn’t feel like Sky, and I guess that’s all the answer I need.

  “What’s up?” I drop my backpack into a chair.

  “I just got my acceptance to study in London for a year!” Sarah’s face is filled with happiness and excitement.

  “And you’re taking it?” Three days after kissing me? But she doesn’t have to answer. Of course she’ll take it. The fact that I feel a pretty even mix of sadness and relief sort of answers any question of how I still do or don’t feel about Sarah. Still, after just days – it feels harsh, dismissive.

  She half skips to where I stand and almost puts our lips together. Her arms wrap around my neck. “This is high school Jamesy. No one stays with the person they meet in high school.” This is her brilliant explanation.

  Her arms hold me, but my arms are down at my sides.

  “Right.”

  She stands up taller, putting her lips close to my ear. “Don’t be mad. I hoped you’d be my first, before I left for school.” Her body presses against me, and it just doesn’t feel right. All the fun, childish things I used to like about her, I don’t anymore. I do, but not in a way that would put us together the way she’s suggesting.

  I back away, “It’s not about physics, Sarah.” It’s about chemistry, but I’d sound like a dork. My pack slides easily onto my back as I head for the door. I don’t know why I’m so hurt. She just doesn’t get it. Her asking me for that dismissed my feelings as much as her telling me that no one stays with the person they m
et in high school. I knew when I stepped into this classroom that I didn’t feel for Sarah what I should for us to be together, but her second rejection stings almost as much as the first. Whether my feelings are all still there or not, she now has the facts and this is what she’s choosing to do with them.

  “Oh, come on Jameson. You know I wanted us to get together and it sucks that it didn’t happen sooner, but we could still have a really great summer together.” She follows me to the door, and all I can think is that she’s talking levels, and after Sky I want more than that.

  And it hits me right then what’s changed about Sarah. She tried to be like someone else and it worked. I sort of knew this, but she doesn’t know who she is anymore and probably won’t for a while. It also hits me that I don’t want to be with someone if it doesn’t mean something.

  The problem is that when a relationship really means something, it messes with your head. No one messes with my head like Sky, and I love it. I love her. As I walk down the hall I realize I haven’t taken a real breath since she left.

  I start toward my locker, but there’s no way I’ll be able to concentrate. If I didn’t do a shred of work for the rest of the year, I’d still graduate.

  “Jameson,” Sarah calls behind me.

  I keep walking.

  “Jameson!” she yells. She catches up and grabs my arm. “I mean, it might work. I don’t want to lose you.” A tear slides down her cheek.

  I wipe it away with my thumb. “We never had each other Sarah. We didn’t care enough to say what we really mean.” I spin around and walk away. There’s no way I can deal with this right now.

  My locker passes by as I walk out of the school and head for home. Guess I’ll just claim I thought my suspension was four days. I stop next to my car. I can’t do it. I can’t walk out. Crap. I turn back around and don’t care what people say about the fight or me and Sarah, or anything. It just doesn’t matter.

  Sky. She’s all I can think about. The problem is that she knows me too well. She knows me well enough to know that if I call her now, it won’t be genuine. Even though it is genuine, I’m still a mess. I need to get myself together before I even attempt to talk to her.

  Sky won’t want me like this. She’s too good to take me like this. She was right. I wasn’t over Sarah for our first round. But I will be over her for our second. If there’s a second. And that horrible word comes up again. If.

  Now I’m dreading third period English where I’m supposed to sit next to Sarah. She stares at me with a face full of sympathy that starts to make me angry. But really, someone being sympathetic shouldn’t make me angry, right? I don’t know.

  “We’re okay.” I sit down next to her. “But you and I aren’t designed to be more than friends.”

  “Okay.” She frowns and looks sad, rejected. What I would have done for that look a couple of months ago. I slide my arm across her back and pull her into a hug. This is how Sarah and I feel good together. As friends. She puts her arm around me. And she feels like a sister, a friend. Resolved.

  The teacher walks up to my desk. “Principal wants to see you.” He hands me a hall pass.

  Perfect. I let Sarah go, take the slip and head down the hallway. This is probably where he tells me if I can walk for graduation or not. I care about it for my parents, but that’s it.

  I knock.

  “Jameson. Come on in.” He looks tired.

  “About graduation, right?”

  The look on his face says it all.

  “I can’t walk.”

  “You really did a number on Eric. If it wasn’t you and wasn’t the end of the year, you would have been expelled. Eric’s nose is broken and he’s missing two teeth.”

  “Wow.” I sit. Eric deserved to be hit, but not like that. I think about Sky again, how she’d seen enough anger to last a few lifetimes. She’d be disappointed in me. She should be disappointed in me. I’m disappointed in me, and partially because I feel like a badass for knocking out teeth and breaking someone’s nose with my bare hands.

  “It’s alright.” I stand up and reach my good hand over the desk. “Sorry.”

  “Are you okay?”

  “Peachy.” I chuckle once. “I’ll be alright.” I let out a breath.

  “Congrats on making the new record for freestyle.”

  “Oh, yeah.” Crazy thing is that I almost forgot. “Thanks.”

  The rest of the school day passes in a blur of odd stares and teacher’s questions. About what I expected. Only days left and when I walk out of here, that’ll be it. No big graduation night, no… nothing.

  TWENTY-EIGHT

  I walk into the house to see Mom and Dad on the couch together watching HGTV like nothing’s different.

  “Hey.” I close the door slowly behind me.

  “Hey, sweetie.” Mom waves, but turns back around, resting her head on Dad’s shoulder.

  Best to give them the news now. I step into the living room. “Got a sec?” We’ll get to the whole Mom and Dad together on the couch thing in a minute.

  “Of course.” Dad smiles.

  “I can’t walk. At graduation. You know, because of the fight.”

  “That’s ridiculous.” Dad starts to tense up and Mom rests her hand on him.

  “I knocked out two of his teeth and broke his nose,” I explain.

  Dad holds in a smile. Mom lets her head rest to the side in sadness and frustration.

  “What happened, Jameson?” she asks.

  “I told you, he was standing over Sarah and she looked scared.”

  “But shouldn’t they take that into consideration?” Mom’s now leaning forward.

  “They did. It means I still get to graduate. I just don’t get to walk.” To think that a couple minutes of action on my part, almost kept me from graduating high school. Crazy.

  “So.” I look between them. “Are you home for good?”

  Dad nods. “I’m home.”

  “Okay.” I clench my jaw. I really don’t want to cry, not now, not in front of anyone, not alone. Just, not at all.

  I step into the kitchen and take the saran wrap to my room. I need in the water. It takes a measurable portion of the roll to cover my arm appropriately. But I finally have it.

  The late afternoon air is hot. It feels good on my skin as I step outside. The pool will feel better. I slide in more slowly than I ever bother doing. I swim out to the middle and let myself sink to the bottom. The pool still needs to be cleaned. I do a few laps and then lie floating on my back. I want to reach out and touch Sky’s fingers. I want to hear more about her home, her family, her beliefs.

  How did Sarah and Sky ever get twisted around? How could I have ever been confused or mistaken? I need to find a way to talk to Sky. But it feels like she tells or shares something profound almost every time we get together, and I never have anything to share. I want this to be different. I want her to know that I’m different. That just knowing her has changed me. And I love it.

  There’s no way I’m ready to admit I may never see her again. Right now my hope is she won’t be gone too long. That she’ll want to tell me about herself, and her daughter. That she’ll want to tell me everything and I’ll be worthy of hearing it.

  “Hey.” Mom’s voice is soft.

  “Hey.” I continue to float.

  “You know that’s a waterproof cast? You don’t need to raid the Saran Wrap.”

  “What?” I stand up and look at the wad of plastic on my arm. “Guess I was a little out of it at the ER, huh?”

  She nods. “And I think you still have a lot on your mind?” She sits by the pool and lets her feet slide into the water.

  “Yeah.”

  “Wanna talk?”

  “I don’t know.” And that’s the truth. In my limited experience, saying things out loud make them more real and everything already feels too real for comfort. “I miss Sky. A lot.”

  “I’m sorry.” Mom pats the concrete next to her.

  It takes an extra jump, but I manage
to slide out using one hand. “She has a daughter.”

  “What?” Mom’s brows go up in surprise.

  “There was a boy. It wasn’t a choice thing for her, Mom.” It breaks me to think about it, and worse to say it. This mostly just leaves me feeling angry.

  Mom’s hand comes to her mouth like it always does when she receives staggering news.

  “That’s what brought her down here. Her aunt’s raising her daughter, but there’s apparently some clan issues with custody and the father is involved. It’s a bad mess, and I don’t know if there’s a way out of it for her.”

  “I’m so sorry. I really, really like her. I wish you’d met her two or three years later,” Mom says.

  “Why’s that?” It doesn’t make any sense.

  “Because she’s that awesome.”

  Awesome enough to keep around. Now it makes sense. “What did you two do together all day?”

  Mom smiles. “We sat at the bottom of the pool, the way you like to do. Well that was part of it.”

  “Does that mean you won’t scream my name when you see me down there anymore?” I laugh.

  “Promise.”

  “I miss her.” I lean my head against Mom.

  “A phone call couldn’t hurt.”

  “I don’t know if I’m ready. There’s too much to say. And I don’t know what her phone situation is.” What if we just yell at each other again? I don’t think I could take it. Not right now.

  “Right.”

  “So… You and Dad?”

  “He’s sorry, the real kind. We all get off track sometimes. It’s going to take a while for your father and I to be back to where we were before this whole mess, but we both want it.”

  “Just like that?” it sounds so easy.

  “When you both really want the other? You make it happen, you forgive because there’s nothing else to do. Because you love each other enough that the other stuff doesn’t matter as much as it once did.”

  “Hm.”