First Loves: A Collection of Three YA Novels

by Jolene Perry

  She steps back, her small brows pulled together. “But I don’t mean to mess with his head.”

  “Yeah…well…” I raise both arms in the air. “Then don’t let him kiss you.” I turn and continue down the hill to the harbor.

  “I didn’t mean to!”

  Didn’t mean to. Right. I’ve used that one before, and I was lying. Just like she is now. “That’s ridiculous! You either mean to and do it, or you don’t do it!”

  She grabs my arm. “What’s with you?”

  “I ordered a fucking coffee for my mom, and I have no idea why!” I jerk my arm back and this time she lets me go.

  - - -

  I’m slumped on the back of Dad’s boat. Damn coffee in hand, and the masochistic side of me almost wishes I was drinking the coffee Mom always drank. The smell, the sweetness of it. My phone buzzes in my pocket.

  DAVID: LIKE IT OR NOT, I’M COMING FOR 2 DYS TO HANG W U. SEE U IN A WEEK.

  I nearly spit out my coffee. Now what? I start typing.

  SEE U THEN.

  It’s the only thing I can say without coming off as an asshole. I have no idea how I feel about David coming to town. He’s a good friend. Maybe it’ll be nice to have him here. Maybe. Mostly I just want… Actually, I have no idea what the hell I want aside from my life to be what it was before Mom sent me here.

  My phone buzzes again, and I’m trying to think of something clever to say to David, but it’s not from David. It’s from Amber.

  AMBER: SORRY. CAN I COME BY LATER?

  Am I a glutton for punishment here? I want her to come over.

  ANYTIME

  Now I sound desperate.

  “Hey.” Her voice shoots me to sitting.

  “Hey.” I hold up my phone. “Did you wait for my text, or did you think it would be funny to pop in?”

  “I hoped you’d say I could come.” Her blue eyes are open wide, throwing the full force of their power on me.

  I gesture with my hand. “Come on up.”

  She’s in her tiny running shorts. I’d be freezing in this misty, rainy, weather, but it doesn’t seem to bother her. She sits across from me at the round table on the back deck of the boat.

  “Wha’cha up to?” she asks.

  “Was texting a crazy girl who was standing a few feet from me,” I tease. It feels good to have her here—the girl that’s making me slowly insane.

  “I didn’t want you to be mad.” Her brows come down and her mouth pulls into a small frown.

  I rub my hand over my head and let out a breath. “Sorry. I shouldn’t have yelled.”

  “It’s okay.”

  “You don’t have to keep cutting me slack cause of…” Mom.

  “You’re right. And I should just make up my mind already, right?” It looks like she’s trying hard to smile, but failing miserably.

  “I’m not talking about this with you,” I say. Not about Amber with boys. Ever. At all. She’s too cool for me to think about her with someone else. Wait. Else. Like she should be with me. Yeah—Amber probably needs someone a lot different than me. And she’s definitely not like any girl I’ve been with, so the whole attraction thing is still confusing the hell out of me.

  “Why not?”

  “Because I’m not at all qualified to give you any advice.” I smirk.

  We sit in silence. Staring until her eyes find her lap.

  Amber speaks first. “Wanna get together tomorrow and do schoolwork? I get bored doing it by myself.”

  I almost, almost make some stupid comment about Kent, but keep it in. “Sure, that’d be nice.” Maybe a little like torture, since I have no idea what to make of this girl aside from me feeling more than I should, but it’s distraction. Right now any distraction is a good thing.

  “Cool.” She stands up. “See you.”

  Her long legs walk past me, and I swear my fingers twitch wanting to touch her. “Don’t wear shorts.”

  “What?” She chuckles as she turns to hold the railing to go down the stairs to the dock.

  “You have great legs. I need to study. Don’t wear shorts.” I use all my willpower to keep my face straight.

  She holds in a smile as her cheeks turn pink. “Okay.”

  I love making her blush.

  - - -

  For almost a week Amber and I get together to do homework. It just sort of happens. I see her as I walk up for coffee, and then we end up on Dad’s boat, our school stuff spread out, and work for a while. This is something I’d do with Trace. He and I took the same classes this year, so we could do half the work. I know without asking that Amber wouldn’t split the homework load.

  Some days we talk a little, and some days we barely talk at all. It’s so…off, being just friends with a girl like this, but she’s easy, so maybe it shouldn’t be weird.

  Amber’s concentrating on her ancient laptop today, but her brows keep moving closer together, and her mouth is starting to pull into a frown.

  “What’s up?” I ask.

  “Just looking for something that never seems to come.” She lets out a sigh.

  “Oh.” I open my mouth to press her further, but don’t. “You okay?”

  “I’m okay about almost everything.” Her eyes find mine over the top of my computer, and I swear she has tears ready to fall. “But not about this.”

  “Are you being mysterious on purpose?” I raise a brow, trying to keep the mood light.

  “I’m going to guess there are a few things you don’t like to talk about.” Her expression is unreadable, flat.

  “A few,” I agree. It’s just Amber always seems so light and happy. I have to admit I’m totally curious. Now I can have a purpose to being around her, aside from simply liking being around her. That feels way safer.

  “Well, this is one of mine.” She flips her laptop closed with too much force and runs her hand through her hair to keep it off her face.

  “Fair enough.” And I kind of like that there’s something I really want to know about her, even if it’s something she doesn’t want to tell me. Or maybe this is just how my relationship with her will go. Me wanting a little more than she’s willing to give.

  That’s a pretty damn sobering thought.

  - - -

  I step out of the coffee shop with Amber and Brit who joined us this morning.

  “Antony!” David calls.

  I freeze. When did he get here? And what kind of prick doesn’t text to give a guy maybe an hour warning?

  “Told ya’ I’d be comin’ for a few days!” He moves up the street toward us, looking every bit the part of a spoiled guy from New York. Three hundred dollar jeans, shoes that should never see the deck of a boat, and his favorite Prada jacket.

  I knew he was coming. And we even talked earlier this week. It just slipped my mind like I wish other things would.

  “Hey, man.” We slap one another on the shoulder. David and I don’t hug.

  “Good to see you on both legs. You were in rare form last time I saw you.” He laughs again.

  “Yes. Thank you.” He better hear my sarcasm, because that’s not something I need brought up in front of Amber.

  “Well, you had a good excuse, you know.” He slaps my shoulder again.

  Right. Let’s bring up Mom, too. My chest is tightening further every second David and I stand next to the girls.

  “Gonna introduce me?” His brows go up, and he uses a hand to slide over his light brown hair cause he thinks girls love his hair. Well, girls do love his hair, but mostly cause he spends more time on it than most girls would.

  “This is Amber, and her friend, Brit.” I watch David closely as he takes them in.

  “Nice to meet you.” He’s being overly polite. “Antony said we’re all going on some field trip thing or something tomorrow?”

  Right. I warned him it was something Amber had put together. My head just is not in it.

  “Yeah,” Amber answers. “It counts as home school credit because a professor’s coming with us.”

 
; “But he never stays with us for long, so we get lots of free time on the beaches.” Brit’s leaning forward, biting her lower lip and looking right up at David.

  It’s an open invitation that David is almost definitely going to take.

  “Why wait ‘til tomorrow?” He grins at her. “You two can come over tonight, if you like.”

  I throw my arm over his shoulders and start toward the boat before he does any more damage. “We got stuff to do,” I say.

  I glance over my shoulder and Amber’s face is completely unreadable. What is she thinking?

  “What was that?” David asks.

  “Just…nothing.” What else do I say right now?

  He chuckles. “The nothing with blond hair and long legs?”

  I don’t even know how to answer.

  “Way too much work, Antony. Did you see the look on her face?”

  “Yeah, but she’s impossible to read.” I shake my head as I open the door down to the docks.

  “Not that hard. My guess is she thinks you’re hot, but won’t do anything. That’s my prediction.”

  “Prediction?” I slug him. “Whatever. How did you know where to come?”

  “You gave me the name of the boat. I’m not without skills.” He chuckles again. “Saw your dad. He’s cool. He said we can take the dinghy out today. The thing looks like a riot. And despite your pessimistic view of this place, I think it’s kinda cool.”

  “Great.” I let out a breath.

  David steps up on the back of the boat, like he’s here every day, and I follow. That was me. Is me. I’m the guy who can just jump into any situation and roll with it. And now I can’t. I have no idea what to do with that.

  Nine

  David and I walk together while the botanist from the university talks about plants. David makes eyes at Brit almost all day, and Kent spends as much time walking with Amber as possible.

  Once David and Brit start up the trail side-by-side, Kent’s job of being close to Amber gets a lot easier. As much as I want to be the guy next to her, I’m so not into fighting over a girl. Not happening.

  - - -

  The campfire is roaring and the light is dimming, but no one’s showing any signs of being ready to leave. The professor ditched us a while ago. David’s the center of attention, like usual. Well, David and his bottle of scotch. I crack open a soda and start to move toward the fire. After my last binge, I’m in no hurry to go back. Kent rests his arm over Amber’s shoulders, and I stop. I pretend to stare at the ocean, but I’m using all my powers of peripheral vision to see what’s going on between them.

  “Having fun?” Brit asks, standing in front of me. Her smile spreads wide across her face.

  “Uh…yeah.” I nod. Crap. It’s really hard to see out of the side of my eye when I’m distracted. I take a step to the side, so I can look over her shoulder at Amber.

  “We do these a lot, you know, come out to the ocean.” She wobbles her head back and forth like it’s the most boring thing in the world.

  “It was better than I thought.”

  Kent tightens his arm once, trying to be all relaxed about it. But how does Amber feel about him? It’s impossible to tell, and that’s making me crazy.

  Brit’s head cocks to the side, giving me a better view. “Yeah, you’re totally right, I mean…”

  “Whoa!” A voice yells. Someone’s done a stupid soda bomb out of Mentos on the far side of the fire. The group scatters. Whatever. All juvenile crap that I’m not in the mood for.

  Kent now has Amber in some sort of protective hug. He squeezes her close and kisses the top of her head, making me want to break his face. Guess she decided he was okay. And that makes it hard for me to breathe. How many times will I have to remind myself that even if we did like each other, we’re not a good idea?

  “You okay?” Brit asks.

  “Distracted.” I shake my head. We’re far enough from the fire and the Mentos bomb, that we’re not really part of the action. I lean against a large driftwood tree.

  “Right.” She nods again and bites her lower lip. “So, David’s a friend of yours.”

  “Uh, yeah.” That should be obvious.

  “Do you think he’d uh…”

  “Brit?” I take a quick drink. “David’s not up for anything more than right now, and fun. If that’s what you want. Tell him, and you’ll get it.” Is that what she’s asking?

  Her smile spreads. “Do you think he’d be into me?”

  “We went on a nature walk where he wore three hundred dollar shoes, which are probably ruined, and was next to you for most of the trip.”

  “Right.” She starts to turn. “Thanks, Antony. You’re nice.”

  “Yeah, well, tell your friend.” What the hell’s wrong with me? Tell your friend? Am I in elementary school?

  Brit giggles and jogs off toward the fire. She wastes no time in wrapping her arms around David’s waist. And he wastes no time in hugging her back.

  Brit and Amber are friends. Brit seems so relaxed about David, about guys. Why is Amber still so distant? Having someone in my arms, someone’s lips on mine sounds pretty awesome right now, and the perfect antidote to how hard everything’s been.

  Amber’s eyes catch me from about 50 feet away where she’s back by the fire. “Help,” she mouths, holding in a laugh.

  Help. She wants away. I just lost half the weight I carry. I stand up a little taller. “Hey, Amber!” I yell. “Your mom called my phone!”

  She ducks away from Kent and jogs toward me. “I think it’s a private conversation, don’t you?” she whispers.

  “Yeah.” I smile. Private sounds great. She grabs my hand and pulls me with her.

  My phone rests against her ear. “Thank you,” she says, now that we’ve walked a ways away.

  “No problem.”

  “What do I do?” She frowns.

  “About the guy who likes you?” I lean closer to whisper, just because it gives me an excuse.

  “Uh, yeah…” Her eyes widen.

  “I thought you might like him.” And we’re so close that I breathe in and stare at her lips. The ones I will probably never touch.

  Her shoulders fall. “I just…I don’t know. It feels like a lot. Maybe too much. I even tried. I mean, he’s pretty cute.”

  I almost say, if you like that kind of thing, but that would make me pathetic.

  She really feels bad that she doesn’t like this guy enough to be closer to him. To me it always seemed like, yeah, if we don’t like each other, we shouldn’t hang out. No big deal. I don’t know why it never occurred to me to feel bad. It was always just that way.

  I shift my weight closer to her as we walk. “You could kiss me, you know, if you want to. Make sure he’s around to see…”

  She chuckles and slugs my shoulder. “Whatever, Antony.”

  Yep. Depressingly in friend category. Now I get why people say this sucks. I say it because I’ve heard other people say it, not because I’ve experienced it. “Sit.” I flop down in the sand in front of a small, decrepit wooden boat.

  Amber’s still standing, and for a moment I’m afraid she won’t join me, but she does and pulls her knees up.

  The voices from the fire carry this far, but I can’t make out words. As the waves slide up on the sand, the small rocks tumble over each other creating a scattered pebble sound that intensify the calming sound of the water.

  “How ya doin’?” she asks.

  I flip my phone over in my hands, and then again. There’s no good way to answer. “That question is too full.”

  “Of what?”

  “Of everything.” I stick the damn phone in my pocket. People who fidget make me crazy.

  “You have a unique way of seeing the world, or maybe just a unique way of talking about it.” Her blue eyes study me. I don’t look, hoping she’ll look longer.

  Her words hit me like a wave of something that carries weight. Good weight. I’ve been carrying the lousy kind. “You’re pretty kickass at compliments
.”

  “I bet you’re not too bad at them yourself.” She smirks.

  My tongue thickens, my throat clenches up, but I need to get it out. “You reading to me is one of the coolest things anyone’s done. You sorta saved me that night.” The words barely come out, and man they make me naked. Even though I feel like I’m on a stage stripped to less than boxers, I don’t care. But I also can’t look at her.

  “I’m glad.” She tilts her head and touches it to my shoulder for a moment before sitting upright.

  Like a total ass I breathe in to smell her hair. It smells earthy, fruity and like Washington rain.

  “You know what he really likes?” David leans over the log behind us.

  Amber spins to see the same thing I do. David and Brit’s hands locked together.

  “He loves it when girls straddle his lap and stick their tongue down his throat.” He laughs and Brit laughs, and she follows him down the beach, for…whatever he can talk her into I guess. Though, she didn’t really seem unwilling.

  I want to punch him in the face. Asshole.

  “And that’s your good friend?” Amber asks.

  Now what? Do I defend David? Do I not? “He’s an ass when he’s drinking, but he’s a good guy.”

  “Hmm.” Amber sits back and rests her head on my shoulder. I want to take her hand, run my fingers through her hair and kiss her, wrap my arms around her pull her to me, feel her warmth against me. But I can’t.

  I glance up to see Kent walking our way.

  “Don’t move until I reach out my hand.” I stand.

  She looks confused until her eyes catch him. My hand reaches down to help her up, and she takes it, coming to standing, her nose almost touching mine. And shit if I don’t breathe in again.

  “Thanks,” she whispers. Her warm breath hits my face.

  Kent turns around, as if someone called him from the group. Maybe someone did.

  Our breath mixes in the cold air, and something in me forces my body to lean in. Her lips are so close to mine. So close, like just the air could bring her to me or something.

  “You saved me from having to kiss you.” She laughs, drops my hand, and walks a step ahead.

  Okay, I should have made that a more definite plan B, or maybe I should have really pushed for the kiss to be plan A.