In Your Heart

by Micalea Smeltzer

“Even then.” He nodded at his words like he was agreeing with them. He turned for the stairs. “Come on, I’ll let you borrow a shirt to sleep in. I have some extra toothbrushes too.”

  I followed him upstairs and stood awkwardly in the doorway of his bedroom.

  He opened his dresser drawer, rifling through it and procuring a plain black t-shirt. His heavy boots clapped against the creaking hardwood floors. “Here,” he held the shirt out for me.

  “Thanks.” I mustered a genuine smile for him as I followed him down the short hallway into the bathroom. He grabbed an unopened blue toothbrush from beneath the sink and gave me that as well.

  “If you want to shower you can use my soap. I don’t care.”

  I nodded. “A shower would be nice.”

  He cleared his throat and stepped out of the bathroom. “You know where the guestroom is, and I’ll be downstairs for a while if you need me.”

  I nodded, sliding the door closed. “Thanks for everything, Ezra.”

  “Anytime.” He nodded his head once and then bound down the steps.

  I closed the bathroom door completely and laid the shirt on the shiny marble countertop. I turned on the shower, letting the water grow warm before stripping out of my clothes.

  I stepped beneath the spray and the heat began to work out the tension in my coiled muscles. An audible sigh of relief passed through my lips.

  I didn’t bother washing my hair—not wanting to deal with the tangled nightmare it would become if I didn’t use conditioner—but I used Ezra’s soap to wash my body. It smelled like mahogany with hints of oranges, nothing like the coconut-scented body wash I usually used.

  I turned the shower off and grabbed a clean towel, drying off my body. I returned the towel to the rack and shrugged into the t-shirt. It fell to the center of my thighs and was incredibly soft. I knew that even though it was a plain t-shirt it probably cost more than my car payment.

  I had a ponytail holder on my wrist and I used it to pull my hair back while I scrubbed my face clear of makeup.

  I gathered up my clothes and opened the bathroom door, promptly bumping into Ezra as he topped the stairs.

  “Sorry,” he grabbed my arms, righting me from my stumble, “I wanted to check on you.”

  “I’m fine,” I assured him, edging towards the bedroom.

  He stared at me for a moment, dissecting my words and trying to find the truth in them.

  “Yeah, okay,” he finally mumbled, starting back down the stairs. “Good night,” he called.

  “Night,” I said back, but it was merely a whisper and I doubt he even heard it.

  I stepped into the guestroom and closed the door behind me.

  The room was small, but cozy. The walls were painted a pale yellow with white furniture and soft gray bedding. I’d helped Ezra decorate it. In fact, he’d asked for my opinion on lots of things when he’d been renovating the cottage. He’d fussed that he was a guy and had no idea what matched and what didn’t. I’d loved helping him.

  I sat down on the edge of the bed, running my fingers over the silky fabric of the bedspread. I’d missed out on a lot these past six months. Not just with Ezra, but with Emma as well. She’d gone on tour with the band and we’d hardly been able to talk. I’d become so out of the loop, and I couldn’t help wondering if that was something Braden wanted. He’d always hated it when I spent any time with someone that wasn’t him.

  With a groan I stood up, pulling back the bed covers and climbing beneath.

  I reached for the remote, turning on the small TV and keeping the volume low for background noise in the hopes that it would help muffle my racing thoughts.

  I turned on my side, facing the window that overlooked the lake. It was completely dark, no moon in sight, but out this far in the country I could still see the twinkle of stars.

  I closed my eyes, wishing upon a star—wishing for happiness and most importantly wishing that I would find my true love.

  I WOKE UP, struggling to understand my surroundings. The room wasn’t familiar and there was nobody lying beside me.

  It all came rushing back to me and I lowered my head in my hands.

  In my dreams I’d been able to believe it wasn’t real, simply a figment of my imagination, but with the sunlight streaming into the room that wasn’t mine I couldn’t deny the truth.

  My life felt seemingly over.

  Melodramatic? Yes.

  But also the truth.

  The life I’d had was no more. From this point forward things were going to be different. My future was now heading down a new path.

  One for the better.

  But I knew I would stumble and fall before this path felt like the right one.

  I eased out of the bed, the TV in the room now off. I hadn’t turned it off so Ezra must’ve checked on me before he went to bed.

  I opened the bedroom door and stepped out into the hall.

  It was early, around seven, but Ezra was already up.

  The bathroom mirror was still slightly fogged so I knew he’d already taken a shower and from the sounds of cabinets banging downstairs he was making breakfast.

  I brushed my teeth and hair, braiding it on the side so it rested against my collarbone. I had no makeup with me and my skin looked pale with purple rings beneath my eyes. I hoped I didn’t scare Ezra.

  I dressed in my clothes from yesterday, silently squirming at the fact that they were dirty, but I knew I’d get my stuff today.

  I padded down the stairs and rounded the corner, smiling at Ezra.

  “Morning,” I said, feigning cheer.

  Ezra glanced over his shoulder where he stood at the stove making scrambled eggs. He was already dressed for the day in a pair of jeans and a heather gray t-shirt. His black hair was still damp from the shower, one curl sticking to his forehead.

  “Hey. I’m almost done with this.”

  “You didn’t need to make me breakfast.” I walked over to the refrigerator and grabbed the bottle of orange juice and then the glasses from the cabinet by the sink.

  Ezra shrugged, sliding the eggs onto the plates and topping both with a sprinkle of cheddar cheese just the way I liked. Toast popped up from the toaster and he added it to the plate.

  “It was no big deal.”

  “Don’t dismiss your kindness so easily,” I told him, setting our glasses down on the table. He’d already put out paper napkins and utensils.

  He glanced at me out of the corner of his eye as he sat the plates down. “It’s breakfast, Sadie,” he chuckled, “it’s not a kitten.”

  “Does that mean you got me a kitten?” I joked.

  His lips quirked into a smile. “No kitten. Sorry.”

  “Darn,” I tsked, reaching for the fork.

  Ezra sat down and began to eat, keeping a careful eye on me like he was waiting for any signs of an imminent breakdown.

  “I’m okay,” I assured him, piercing a piece of egg, “I’m not going to crack.”

  “It would be the normal thing,” he argued.

  I stared across the table at him. “I’m not normal.”

  “No, you’re not,” he agreed, “but it’s okay to break.”

  I leaned forward, lowering my voice like I was letting him in on a secret. “I might bend, but I will not break. Not because of this at least.”

  His dark eyes seared into me and he nodded once.

  He returned to his food and I sat back once more.

  “I thought we would eat and then go get your things.”

  I glanced at the old-fashioned cuckoo clock—a quirky gift I’d bought him as a joke. “Braden won’t be up until at least ten.”

  He gave me a disgusted look and spat, “Do I look like I give a fuck?”

  I fought a smile at his use of the word fuck. Ezra wasn’t one to curse a lot. That was usually left to Mathias—the lead singer of the band.

  I shrugged. “I just want you to be prepared to deal with his wrath.”

  His brown eyes narrowed on me like laser be
ams. “He should be the one prepared to deal with me.”

  “Are you going to punch him again?” I asked, recalling their last encounter.

  “I’m not planning on it,” he violently speared an egg like he wished it was Braden he was stabbing, “the last thing I want to do is stoop to his level again, but I might be unable to control myself.”

  “Well, if you do punch him make sure you punch the right side of his face.”

  Ezra’s brow wrinkled with confusion and he flicked a stray curl from his eyes. “Why the right side?”

  “Because he thinks it’s his good side.”

  Ezra snorted and shook his head. “The guy has no good side. He’s ugly through and through.”

  I nodded in agreement, glaring down at my food.

  “Sadie,” his voice was soft, “there’s nothing wrong with you for not realizing how bad he was.”

  “I know,” I replied softly.

  The look he gave me clearly said he didn’t think that I did know.

  He finished eating and I gathered our plates to clean them.

  As I ran water in the sink I felt him standing near my back but I refused to acknowledge his presence.

  Eventually he spoke. “You don’t have to do the dishes you know.”

  “I want to help,” I shrugged, rinsing a plate, “I don’t expect to stay here scot-free. I’ll help out.”

  “You know I’d never ask that of you.”

  I spared him a glance. “And I don’t want to be a charity case.”

  He sighed heavily, his chest expanding as he let out a breath. “I have a maid, so don’t start trying to clean the floor with a toothbrush or something,” he muttered, rubbing the back of his head awkwardly.

  I fought a smile. “I’ll stay away from the toothbrushes then.”

  “I mean it,” he warned, pointing a finger at me, “you don’t need to do anything.”

  I turned the water off and opened the dishwasher so I could place the dirty plates and cups on the rack.

  “Ezra,” I started, “this makes me feel better.”

  He looked like he wanted to argue with me, but he surprised me by saying, “Alright. Fine. Whatever.”

  I nodded my head in thanks.

  I closed the dishwasher and he grabbed his keys off the kitchen island. “Are you ready to go then?”

  “Yeah,” I said, even though ready was the last thing I felt. I didn’t want to face Braden. I never wanted to see him again.

  I also knew that today I would have to call my parents and Emma, break the news to them that my engagement was no more and the wedding was off. I would also have to call and cancel everything to do with the wedding. I didn’t want to deal with any of those things, but I couldn’t ignore my responsibilities.

  I followed Ezra outside, the front porch steps creaking as we stepped down. I liked that he hadn’t fixed the creaky floors in the cottage. It was things like that, that gave a place character and charm.

  Above us the summer sun already shined brightly, promising a day of scorching temperatures. The Virginia summers could be brutal, the humidity alone was enough to kill you, not to mention the bugs. I would never survive living somewhere further south.

  Ezra opened the garage door and I tried to ignore the way he watched me—still waiting for another breakdown.

  I kept my shoulders back and my chin held high.

  I was fine.

  I was fine.

  I was fine.

  Maybe if I repeated it enough I would start to believe it.

  Not likely, but it was worth a shot.

  While I was having my internal debate Ezra unlocked the SUV.

  “Are you coming?” He asked, opening the driver’s door and looking back at where I stood.

  “Yeah.” I shook my head free of my thoughts and joined him.

  We were silent on the drive over to Braden’s apartment. The radio provided background noise, but it wasn’t loud enough to drown out my racing thoughts as I imagined all of the different ways this meeting with Braden could go.

  None of them were good.

  On the way, Ezra stopped by the office supplies store and picked up some boxes. I hadn’t even thought of that.

  When we arrived at the apartment Braden’s truck was nowhere to be seen in the parking lot. I said a silent thanks to whatever god or deity had been on my side today.

  Ezra glanced over at me. “This is it.”

  It was, in more ways than one.

  I nodded, reaching for the handle and stepping out of the vehicle.

  I trudged slowly up the steps and stopped in front of the door, letting out a string of colorful curses.

  “What is it?” Ezra asked, fighting a smile as I kicked the door.

  “I don’t have my key.” I groaned, slamming the heel of my hand against the door like I could force it open.

  Ezra lightly pushed my shoulder, forcing me to step away from the door.

  “I’ve got this.” He flashed me a crooked smile.

  I stood back with my arms crossed over my chest, trying to peer over his shoulder to see what he was doing, but he was careful to shield me.

  The door swung open and I stared at him open mouthed. “Did you just break into my apartment?”

  He suppressed a laugh. “For starters, it’s not your apartment. Secondly, it was already unlocked.” He winked.

  “No, it wasn’t,” I defended.

  His lips twitched. “Are you sure about that?”

  I sighed. “Fine, if the cops show up again I’ll stick with the story that it was already unlocked.”

  “That’s all I ask.” Pausing, he tilted his head to the side and muttered, “They better not show up.”

  I shrugged and moved past him to step inside the apartment.

  Twenty-four hours ago this place had been home, and now I wanted nothing more than to destroy it. I had to put a lid on my temper. It was going to get me in trouble again.

  “Do you have tape?” Ezra asked, laying the flat boxes down on the small kitchen table. “I can start putting these together while you gather your stuff.”

  “Yeah.” I padded into the kitchen and rifled through the junk drawer, producing a roll of packing tape. “Here you go.” I held it out to him and he took it with a small smile. He knew this was hard for me, but he also didn’t know what to say to make it better.

  I left Ezra to assemble the boxes and headed back to the bedroom.

  I glared at the bed, remembering what I’d walked in on yesterday. I’d left my store early hoping to surprise Braden and maybe have a nice dinner since it was Friday night. Braden had obviously had other plans.

  With a violent yank I began to pull the sheets off the bed.

  I would never use them. Not now anyway. But I bought them and I refused to let him have them on principle.

  Tears clogged my eyes as I tossed the sheets out into the hallway. Ezra would pack them up for me.

  First I grabbed my stuff from the dresser, careful to keep everything folded so I wouldn’t have to do it again later.

  I strode over to the closet, yanking the doors open so that they clattered harshly against the walls.

  “Is everything okay in there?” Ezra called, the concern evident in his voice.

  “Just dandy,” I said sarcastically.

  I heard his chuckle echo through the small apartment.

  I took everything off on the hangers and laid them on the bed.

  Soon nothing was left in the closet except for Braden’s clothes and one lone garment bag.

  I grasped the bag, rubbing my fingers against the material that hid my wedding dress.

  Stupidly, I reached for the zipper, exposing the white princess dress.

  My lower lip began to tremble as I pulled it out of the bag and clutched it to my chest.

  I sunk to the floor with the white fabric billowing around me.

  Tears fell from my chin onto the dress.

  I was crying for so many things.

  For my life
that imploded in my face.

  For the love I’d thought I had that was nothing more than a farce.

  For hurting Ezra and pushing him away.

  For pushing everyone away.

  “Sad—oh shit,” Ezra cursed, stopping in the doorway of the bedroom. He set the boxes down hastily and hurried to my side. He crouched down beside me, pulling me against his chest. I tried to push away, ashamed of my tears, but he wouldn’t let me. “Shh,” he cooed.

  I finally stopped fighting and relinquished myself to his embrace.

  He smoothed his long fingers through my hair and then kissed the top of my head.

  I clung to his shoulders, trying to even my breaths and stop sniveling.

  He rested his chin on top of my head and he leaned his back against the open closet door.

  I fisted the tulle fabric of my dress in my hand.

  “I want to burn it.” I confessed to him.

  He rocked me back and forth, not saying anything for a moment. “Then we’ll burn it,” he declared.

  “Thank you.”

  I pressed a palm flat against his chest and pushed away.

  I dried my eyes with the back of my hands.

  Before he could say anything else, I said, “Let’s get this stuff packed and get out of here. I don’t want to see this place ever again.”

  Ezra nodded and stood, holding out a hand to haul me up.

  I flashed him a grateful smile.

  He had all the boxes assembled and we hurried to get all my stuff in them.

  I left Ezra in the bedroom to finish, while I tucked an empty box under my arm and headed into the bathroom. I flicked the light on, ignoring my reflection in the mirror. All my makeup and hair things were thrown haphazardly in the drawer, but a hot pink straightener lay on the counter—a straightener that wasn’t mine.

  Anger overrode me and I picked it up, throwing it at the mirror. The mirror cracked and began to shatter, the pieces raining down.

  “Sadie!”

  Ezra came running into the bathroom and his mouth fell open at the mess.

  I acted like nothing had happened. I started grabbing my things and dropping them into the box. “I hate him,” I muttered under my breath, “I hate him so damn much.”

  Ezra lingered in the doorway. “I know.”

  “You don’t have to watch over me,” I assured him.