The Legacy of Lucy Harte

by Emma Heatherington

  ‘Mum and Dad know I’m here, yes,’ I tell my brother. ‘And I know I look like shit; you don’t have to say I look tired or pale or anything. I just look like crap.’

  ‘How have you been?’ he asks me. ‘Are you looking after yourself through all this change?’

  Change… well, that’s one way of putting it…

  ‘I’m good, I’m going to be fine,’ I tell him and for the first time in a long time I actually mean it. ‘I’m doing really well. Going to new places, meeting new people, spreading my wings, all good. I’m more concerned about you, though, which is why I am here. Are you going to be okay, John Joe? Please tell me the truth.’

  I look forlornly at my big brother. We really do look alike. We have the same eyes and the same Roman nose and when he smiles his dimple on his right cheek is in the same place as mine. He looks gaunt and off-colour but doesn’t look as sick as I imagined he would. I just hope I am not too late.

  ‘I’ve been through a lot,’ he tells me. ‘We both have, but it looks like they may have got it on time.’

  ‘It meaning… is it cancer? Is it terminal? Oh my God –’

  I am shaking with what I am about to hear and I hate myself for holding onto such unnecessary, childish resentment for so long.

  ‘Yes, it is cancer, but I had a kidney whipped out within a matter of days and we just spent the past week doing absolutely nothing in a place very close to our hearts, so I’m well on the mend.’

  I cannot look him in the eye. All those times he has tried to get in touch with me and I was so wrapped up in my own selfish life… I want to look in the mirror and scream at my own reflection for being so bloody self-centred. He needed to tell me and I couldn’t have it in my own heart to answer his calls because I was too focused on me.

  ‘John Joe, I am so, so sorry,’ I whisper to the floor. ‘I should have been here sooner. I should have at least taken your calls. I should have –’

  ‘Life is too short for should-haves,’ he replies. ‘Look at me, Maggie.’

  ‘I can’t.’

  He laughs lightly.

  ‘I bet you can.’

  I turn to him and see how his features have changed over time and through his recent illness, but his smile is the same. He is my only brother.

  ‘It has made me realise a lot of things, believe me,’ he says. ‘When you reach the point that your life could be over, it really does separate the shit from reality and I have had a few lessons come my way too. You have experienced what I am going through – only you were just a kid. I need to apologise to you too for not understanding how frightened you must have been all those years ago.’

  I let a deep breath out.

  ‘It’s not a nice place to be,’ I tell him with a shrug. ‘But we are both still here. I hope it’s not too late.’

  He shakes his head and takes my hand.

  ‘It’s not too late,’ he says. ‘I’ve a few more appointments to attend and I’ve got great medical care in place, so everything is going to be okay. Oh, Maggie, I can’t tell you how good it is to see you. Now, enough of the sad stories! We have much more important things to catch up on, I’m sure!’

  Vivienne arrives with our tea and I am so glad of it. She was right. I do need a cup so badly.

  ‘You do look very pale, Maggie,’ says Vivienne. ‘Maybe you’re just tired after your journey?’

  ‘Yes, she does look like she has seen a ghost,’ laughs John Joe. ‘I hope you weren’t regretting coming here. You are always welcome. Anytime.’

  ‘I’m absolutely fine, It’s probably just my new red hair,’ I assure them and then do my best to shift the subject from me. ‘Tell me about your life here. I thought you still lived in New York, but that’s my fault… ‘

  My eyes drop to the floor again with embarrassment.

  ‘We’ve been here a while,’ says Vivienne softly. ‘And we’ll be here for a long, long time, won’t we, darling?’

  I look up at the two of them as they nod to each other in a mix of hope and relief. Despite John Joe’s best efforts to be all happy-clappy and positive, we can’t escape the obvious. He has cancer. Had cancer. Whatever. But he keeps trying to stay in the now.

  ‘Vivienne works for one of the big publishing houses here, so it’s going to be our base for the foreseeable future,’ he says.

  ‘A publishing house? Cool,’ I reply, trying to match his efforts to shift the mood. ‘So you get to know all the big stars? I know I sound like a teenager, but that’s pretty impressive.’

  ‘Yes, she has discovered some pretty big stars,’ says John Joe proudly. ‘Vivienne is an amazing talent. I always knew she’d be a phenomenon.’

  The way he looks at her, well, it makes me want what they have. Did Jeff and I ever have that connection? I honestly can’t say we did.

  ‘So don’t tell me, you work over in Graceland or somewhere equally exotic too?’ I say to John Joe. ‘I feel so ordinary and boring in comparison to your life here.’

  ‘Not quite so exotic for me,’ he says and his eyes crinkle softly, showing his age. When did my brother get so grown up? ‘Vivienne gets to hang out with the greats; I get to mow their lawns. I have a landscaping business.’

  Vivienne pats him playfully on the leg.

  ‘Don’t be so modest, honey!’ she says. ‘Maggie, your brother is in massive demand all over the city. He is wonderful at his job and is very creative. You two have so much to catch up on.’

  We do. I have been such a moron.

  ‘I’m sure you saw the For Sale sign, but that’s not our choice, really, and we’ll be sad to leave this house,’ Vivienne continues. ‘We’ve rented it for a while and the landlord is selling up so we have a decision to make. Do we stay here in the city and buy somewhere, or do we go and retire in the Maldives and live off the life insurance?’

  For a moment I think she is serious but then they both burst out laughing at the reaction on my face.

  ‘We couldn’t leave Nashville,’ says John Joe. ‘It’s our home now and we hope to start a family soon, so no, the Maldives will have to wait.’

  I can’t believe the change in my brother. I wonder just how much of his warmth and endearing side have I chosen to bitterly ignore for far too long now.

  There is so much to talk about, so many lost years, so many questions to ask and answers to seek. But my eyes are heavy and I stifle a yawn, then Vivienne does the same, and so does John Joe.

  ‘It’s getting late,’ I state the obvious, and look at the clock to see it’s just gone 1am, but my body clock is all over the place. I don’t even know if I could sleep now, but I should definitely try.

  ‘I hate to ask,’ says John Joe, ‘but how long are you here for? I’d love to show you around and hang out for as long as you are here.’

  I actually don’t know the answer to that question, but I don’t want to overstay my welcome either. My brother has just had a huge operation and I get the impression he and Vivienne want him to get over it quickly so they can get on with the rest of their lives.

  ‘I’ll be here for just a few days,’ I tell him. ‘But I can’t wait to hear all about everything you have been up to, and I mean everything.’

  ‘I bet you have a lot to tell me too, Mags,’ says John Joe.

  ‘You’d better believe it,’ I reply. ‘I won’t know where to start.’

  John Joe and I spend the next afternoon together and he shows me the sights of his home town, which makes me fall in love with it by the second. I marvel at places I had only ever heard of – The Grand Ole Opry, The Bluebird Café, Tootsie’s Bar, which he promises me a drink in later and we dine out at his favourite quick stop for lunch, which he reckons has the best sandwiches in the city. And there is live music. There is live music everywhere – on the streets, in the cafés, in the bars – in every corner there is room for music you will find it.

  ‘What’s the name of that bridge?’ I ask him as we emerge from the deli with full bellies past a busker singing ‘American Pie’. We
are beginning to relax in each other’s company, though there is still that elephant in the room that I need to address.

  ‘That’s called the John Siegenthaler,’ he tells me. ‘It’s named after a famous journalist and civil-rights activist who once saved a guy from jumping off it, so they changed the name of it to his. Fancy a walk across it?’

  ‘Sure,’ I tell him.

  I want to tell him about Lucy. I want to tell him about the list and how she loved bridges and how I can feel her right now as we walk towards the longest pedestrian bridge I have ever seen. She would love this. She would so love it.

  But I also need to apologise to him wholeheartedly for shutting him out, for blaming him for all these years. I can see now that it has been entirely my loss and I know that he wants to clear the air as much as I do.

  We make our way to the mighty Cumberland River that runs through the city of Nashville. I realise how little I actually know about this place, yet it has already seeped into my bones and I can see why my brother and his wife adore it so much.

  As we walk towards the river I decide it’s time to bite the bullet.

  ‘I met Simon Harte,’ I blurt out and John Joe stops in his tracks.

  ‘You met who?’

  ‘Simon Harte, Lucy’s brother. You know, the little girl –’

  ‘Yes, yes I know who Lucy Harte is. Of course I know who Lucy Harte is,’ he says. ‘My God, Maggie. How on earth did you find him? What… are you okay with that?’

  I nod my head and my brother pulls me towards him instantly. I realise now that only he would really know how much this means to me, how long I have waited to get in touch with Lucy’s family and thank them for my life.

  ‘I’m okay,’ I tell him. ‘I’m really okay. It’s kind of thanks to Lucy Harte I’m here.’

  ‘Here on earth or here in Nashville?’

  ‘Both,’ I tell him and we both manage a smile. ‘Simon gave me her diary and a list of things she wanted to do when she grew up, which of course she never got to do and it has really made me think a lot about my life and well… that made me think of how I’ve treated you.’

  We are near the river and he leads us onto the John Siegenthaler footbridge until he finds a stop that overlooks the city and we pause.

  ‘I didn’t hear you that day, Maggie,’ he says, looking over the water and then he looks at me. ‘I have tried to explain this to you so many times but you never wanted to believe me. You had it in your head and I know you needed someone to blame, but that someone wasn’t me.’

  I look down onto the water now and then I close my eyes.

  ‘I called for you,’ I tell him and I feel my eyes fill up as the horrible pain of that day comes flooding back. ‘I called for you as loudly as I could but you didn’t come to me. I was so alone and so scared. I nearly died, John Joe. I was so afraid that I was going to die on my own.’

  I can hear him inhale and exhale as he stares out onto the river.

  ‘You have no idea how much that has haunted me all through my life, Maggie,’ he tells me and I can sense anger in his voice – not towards me, but to himself. ‘I had been left in charge and I didn’t look out for you, but I wasn’t near enough to hear you call. If you’d just told me you were ill, I’d have stopped everything and called a doctor – or found Mum and Dad, or called a neighbour, or –’

  He is crying now. We are both standing in broad daylight reliving the most traumatic moment that has created a wedge between us throughout our adult lives.

  ‘I’ve always believed you hated me for it,’ I tell him. I can’t look at him right now. I need to get this out, no matter how wrong or right I may be. ‘I thought you were jealous of all the attention I got when I was sick. How you were no longer the blue-eyed boy. I might not have lost my life that day, but I lost you.’

  He turns to face me now and I look at him and the pain in his eyes is so deep. He shakes his head. He touches my shoulder. He tries to speak, but the words won’t come.

  ‘I have missed you so much,’ I tell him. ‘I always just wanted my brother back.’

  He holds me close to him and we both sob into each other’s arms, squeezing all the pain and misunderstanding away and the healing power of his hug fills me up so much that I don’t want to let go.

  ‘I never hated you, Maggie. I hated myself,’ he says under muffled sobs. ‘It’s why I ran away from it all. I wanted to get as far away from that day and never look back. But I have missed you too, so much. I missed my little sister.’

  We let go and I look up at him and wipe away his tears.

  ‘Even the annoying parts like when I used to steal your CDs?’

  He smiles and glances away, then looks back.

  ‘Even the annoying parts, yes,’ he smiles. ‘I miss our family. I’ve always felt like I had done you wrong, but I didn’t hear you… I swear to you I didn’t…’

  It dawns on me at last that all of this resentment, all of this distance and such cruel misunderstanding has caused my brother just as much pain as it has me. He has regrets, he has guilt, he has run away from it all and it has taken ill health to finally make both of us finally get it all out in the open.

  ‘I believe you,’ I tell him. ‘What I can’t believe is that we waited so long to address it. I have run away from it too, I suppose, and I should know more than anyone that life is really too precious to hold silly, misinformed grudges. We’ve been a bit stupid, haven’t we?’

  ‘I wouldn’t say stupid,’ he says with a smile. ‘More stubborn, but I think we get that from Mum’s side of the family.’

  I roll my eyes in agreement. ‘We don’t need to talk about it again, then, do we?’

  I glance up at him and he is smiling.

  ‘No, we don’t,’ he says. ‘We have a future to talk about and I suppose it’s all down to Lucy Harte?’

  ‘Well, on my part, yes. Just another thing I have to thank her for. My God, I never could have predicted her little list of things she wanted to do would have such a huge impact on my life. She is helping me through everything, John Joe. It’s like she’s my little guardian angel. I’ll be sad to let her go.’

  ‘You don’t have to ever let her go,’ he tells me. ‘Keep her close, if that’s what helps you through this crazy thing called life.’

  ‘I wish I could. I don’t know why but I always feel that Lucy and I are on borrowed time,’ I reply. ‘Like, she is only mine for a little while longer. Does that make sense?’

  He doesn’t answer. I don’t expect him to either.

  ‘She loved bridges,’ I whisper, watching the current below again.

  ‘Lucy did? Really?’

  ‘Yes, she said they made her feel on top of the world,’ I tell him. ‘They were an escape to her, a place to feel free and I can see what she means. There’s something magical about standing here, looking down on the water below and seeing for miles around us.’

  He puts his arm around my shoulder and we stare out ahead, both feeling the weight of resentment and misunderstanding leaving us at last. Here, on a bridge, miles from home, we are feeling the power of forgiveness.

  ‘I would never do anything to harm or hurt you, Maggie,’ he whispers into my red hair. ‘Never. You’re my baby sister, my pride and joy and I am so proud of the beautiful woman you have turned out to be.’

  ‘You? Proud of me? What on earth are you proud of me for?’

  He turns towards me and the pain in his face is so tangible.

  ‘Your beauty, your talent, your wit, most of all, your strength for what you have been through. I could go on and on. You’re one of the strongest people I know.’

  ‘Stop, you’re embarrassing me,’ I say, unable to take his compliments. ‘I don’t deserve them, especially not lately. Like you said to me in one of your messages, I was on some sort of death wish after Jeff left. I could kick myself now for getting so low.’

  ‘You were just dealing with rejection,’ he says. ‘Rejection sucks.’

  ‘You sound American,�
� I tell him and we both laugh.

  ‘You know, if you had stuck at song-writing you could have ended up in Nashville too, for sure,’ he tells me. ‘I used to listen to you sing with your guitar or on the piano and well, if there was one thing I was slightly jealous of, that was it. You were always so talented in everything you set your mind to.’

  I burst out laughing for real now.

  ‘I hardly think that strumming a few chords and writing about the boy next door would have changed the music world, but thanks, bro,’ I reply.

  ‘I’m serious. Have you ever done anything like that since?’

  I shake my head, still in denial.

  ‘Song-writing? No way. Though music is on Lucy’s list, believe it or not. She wanted to play guitar and learn some songs, but only because she wanted to impress her teenage crush. It has got me started, a little. I should really do more.’

  ‘Yes, you should! That’s the type of thing you need to keep doing!’ he tells me. ‘Look, no harm intended, but when I heard you were marrying that Pillock guy and getting all cosy and settled with him and his straight-laced life, I thought, that’s not my sister. That’s not Maggie. You are bigger than his small-town ways. The world is out there waiting for you, Maggie. Don’t let him, or anything you have been through, hold you back any more. Do you hear me?’

  He is lecturing me and I love it. I have my big brother back.

  ‘Loud and clear, brother,’ I say to him and I wonder what on earth I have done to deserve this. ‘I’m going to be a better sister to you from now on. I’ve been shit, but there’s still time.’

  ‘Well, I’m not going anywhere, are you?’ he says with a smile, referring of course to his recent dice with death.

  We both pause, knowing that with me, it’s not just as straightforward as that.

  ‘I’m not going anywhere until Lucy needs her heart back,’ I tell him and I see a flash of fear in his eyes. ‘Don’t worry, though. I talk to her every day now so I’ll make sure she gives me another while to make up for lost time with you.’

  ‘Please do,’ says John Joe and I link his arm. ‘Now, let’s get back to mine and hear you strum on some of Viv’s guitars. You can’t be in Music City and not play some music.’