"If it meant so much, why me?" he asked. "Why not wait until you were ready to marry someone else?"
She moved toward the door, then stopped and looked back at him. "Once Wayne was gone it didn't matter anymore I wanted it gone. You were the perfect candidate. I knew you'd never want anything permanent. Besides, I found out nobody thought of my virginity as a gift."
He had, he realized, surprised that her words slipped past his defenses and lodged themselves deep inside. He felt a small sting, knowing she'd used him. Maybe it was fair that she had, even if he'd always done his best not to use women, seeking those who shared his rule and staying away from the innocents. Until Rebecca. He'd unknowingly crossed the line.
No, he told himself. That wasn't true. Even if he hadn't known how inexperienced she was, he'd been sure she wasn't like his usual bedmates. Her crush had intrigued him, her sweetness had lulled him into forgetting his own rules.
"You took a chance," he said. "I could have hurt you."
"Oh, Austin, give it up. You'd never deliberately hurt me."
"What have I done to earn that kind of faith? You don't strike me as a fool."
"You don't strike me as the bad guy. I guess we're even."
She reached for the handle and pulled it. The door swung open. "You win. I'm leaving. You've made it clear you don't want to be my friend or my lover. I guess that leaves us neighbors and nothing else. Goodbye, Austin."
He let her go because it was easier than explaining why she should stay, and because, for once, it was the right thing to do. He'd hurt her. It was inevitable. She didn't understand why he wouldn't bed her, even though she'd made the offer on what she thought were his terms. He'd warned her that he was a complete bastard, but she hadn't believed him.
He headed back into the lab, hoping to bury himself in his work and forget about her. He laughed harshly. Not a prayer of that. For the next few days he would do nothing but think about her, until he knew whether or not she was pregnant.
What if she was? What if she carried a child? His child. He didn't know. He didn't want to think about her growing big with his baby or bringing a life into this world. He would kill before he would subject anyone to the torture of how he'd been raised. If nothing else, those years with his mother had taught him that children need love, stability and normal parents.
But he was the wrong person to provide any of those things. Rebecca would be a good mother, he acknowledged. Leading with her heart was what she did best. The smartest thing for him would be to forget it and not get involved. Unfortunately he didn't have a choice.
* * *
She'd thrown herself at him and he'd turned her down. After almost a week that still hurt. Rebecca sat on the cushions in front of the bay window of her bedroom and stared out at the grove of trees that separated the large house from Austin's loft. From her second-story window she could see part of his roof and a bit of one wall. Not very exciting, she admitted sadly. Yet looking at that corner of his barn thrilled her. She could close her eyes and picture him sleeping in that big bed, imagine the black satin comforter covering part of his body, but leaving bare an arm or leg.
She drew in a deep breath and sighed. She was hopeless. Despite everything that had happened between them, she was still wasting her time on fantasies. Hadn't she figured out that he wasn't interested? She'd made it very clear that she was willing to have a "sex only" relationship with him. No emotional commitment, no ties. And he'd said no.
She buried her face in her hands, fighting the wave of embarrassment that washed through her. Why had she done it? In the heat of the moment, when she'd felt his hands on her body, she hadn't been able to think at all. The wonder of being that close to him had overwhelmed her, and she'd known that it would be worth any price to keep him in her life. Even the price of being his mistress.
She raised her head slightly and glanced down at the plain cotton nightgown she wore. It covered her from shoulders to calves, draping loosely over her slight curves. It wasn't the least bit seductive. She didn't own silk underwear or paint her nails or wear exotic perfume. She still got excited about Christmas, and sometimes, on Saturday morning, she watched cartoons with the kids. No wonder Austin had turned her down. She wasn't really mistress material.
He'd told her to find someone like herself or Wayne and settle down. She'd told herself exactly the same thing. Only she couldn't seem to summon up any interest in dating. A couple of men had called during the past week, but she'd turned them down. She wanted to be with Austin or no one at all. The thought should have horrified her. After alt, it was time for her crush to start fading. It hadn't. She had a feeling it wasn't ever going to.
The more she'd gotten to know Austin, the more she liked him. The more she saw the side of himself he tried to keep concealed, the more she wanted to know his secrets and discover the real man behind the facade. She'd seen flashes of tenderness, and a gentle spirit. It would be a tough fight getting him to open up, but she had a feeling the rewards would last a lifetime.
She was a fool to dream. He wasn't for her. She should simply walk away and do her best to forget. But it was too late even for that.
Her gaze moved across the room to the open door to the bathroom. On the counter sat a small cup. The pink plus on the bottom made forgetting Austin all but impossible. She was pregnant. For a few minutes she toyed with the idea of not telling him, then dismissed it. First of all, it wasn't her way to conceal the truth. She wouldn't be able to sleep if she was that dishonest. Second, on a purely practical level, he would find out the truth when she started to show. In a town as small as Glenwood, an unwed mother, even one who was almost thirty, was going to cause some talk.
Okay, she was going to tell Austin, but what was she going to say? She remembered what he'd said about his own father, how his mother had used him for blackmail. She shuddered. Austin was rich. Would he worry about that with her? Not that he would care if anyone knew he had a child, but did he think she would try to get money out of him?
Rebecca stood up slowly and stretched. She would have to tell him right off that she wasn't interested in his fortune. She'd always wanted children. This isn't exactly how she'd pictured everything happening, but the baby was a gift from God. She was a little shocked, but happy. It was all going to work out. Somehow. If he wanted to help out, she would accept the offer, but she wasn't going to trap him.
A baby. She touched her hand to her still-flat belly. It didn't feel real. A life was growing inside her, a child she and Austin had made in that moment of love.
She took a step toward her closet, then stopped. No, not love, she reminded herself. It had been about sex and nothing else. Austin didn't believe in love and she wasn't in love with him. She might be a fool, but she wasn't crazy. Falling in love with Austin was a guarantee of heartbreak. She liked him a lot, enjoyed his company, thought he was a great guy. That wasn't love.
When she had dressed, she went downstairs to help with the children's breakfast. After that she tackled the mounting paperwork in her office, but it was hard to concentrate. She kept trying to figure out what she was going to say to Austin and wondering how he would react.
Finally, when she couldn't stand not knowing, she called out to Mary that she was going for a walk, then left the house and headed through the trees to Austin's barn. On her way she passed the open garage. Voices stopped her, and she paused to investigate.
His Mercedes sat in the center of the garage, next to a large four wheel-drive truck. There was a hall leading to another room. That's where the voices came from.
"Austin?" she called.
"We're in here."
We? Rebecca swallowed hard. Who was with him? A woman? She hesitated, wishing she'd taken the time to put on some makeup. All she'd done was wash her face and brush her hair, then pull on one of her favorite sundresses. She glanced down at the pale, floral-print fabric. Skinny straps held up the bodice. The dress showed off her slight tan and made her feel wonderfully feminine. She'd known she would
need a boost of confidence when she faced Austin. Of course she'd just assumed they would be alone.
Stiffening her spine for courage, she walked across the garage and stepped into the workshop. It was a huge open room with big windows and a long workbench down the center. Toolboxes and saws and stacks of lumber had been pushed against the walls. At one end of the bench sat Austin and David. Between them was a small wooden box.
David grinned at her. "We're making a birdhouse. Austin's gonna let me paint it."
For once the shadows had been chased from the child's eyes. His color was good, his contentment genuine.
Austin cleared his throat. "I sort of reached a dead end in my research and thought I'd take a break. David was here, so we decided to build something together."
She stared at him for several seconds before she was able to put a name to the expression she saw lurking in his gray eyes. Embarrassment. She suppressed a smile. Austin was embarrassed at being caught working with the boy. They'd obviously been having a great time together. What was the big deal? Why couldn't Austin admit he liked the kid?
Men. She would never understand them.
"I think it's terrific," she said, moving closer and studying their project. "It's going to be very nice. Where are you going to hang it?"
"Outside my window," David said. He pointed to the metal loop at the top of the roof. "Austin said we can hang a hook under the eaves and I'll be able to see who comes to live in my house."
"Pretty neat." She ruffled the boy's blond hair. He looked up at her and smiled. The poignancy of his expression made her want to weep. If it'd been her choice, she would adopt David in a minute. As a single woman, she would have problems with his relatives. They'd mentioned they were willing to let him go to a family, but abandoning him to a single parent would look bad, even to their selfish minds. Besides, she already had a child of her own to worry about.
Instantly all her concerns about Austin and how he would react returned to swamp her. She glanced at him and saw he was watching her. Could he see her guilt? Had he guessed? She sent up a quick prayer to God to please transport her somewhere else, but He wasn't listening. She sighed. He probably was listening, but figured she had to go ahead and face the ramifications of what she'd done.
She squared her shoulders. Not for a minute did she regret making love with Austin. She didn't even regret being pregnant. It was telling Austin about it that was giving her pause.
She crouched down in front of David and smiled at him. "I have to talk to Austin, honey. Would you mind finishing the birdhouse another time?"
David leaned forward and gave her a hug. "I'll go to the house and ask Mary for a snack."
"You do that."
He turned toward Austin. "Can I come back tomorrow?"
Austin looked uncomfortable, then nodded. "Sure sport."
David threw his arms around him and squeezed tight. Austin sat in his chair, frozen. He made no move to hug the boy back, although Rebecca thought she saw a flicker of affection in his eyes. David released him and scampered out of the room. She heard his running footsteps on the concrete in the garage, then there was quiet.
They were alone.
She stood up, edged back from the table and started to walk around the workshop, investigating the tools and supplies
"What's up?" Austin asked. He remained seated at the workbench and bent over the birdhouse.
His not looking at her made it easier, she told herself, even as she wondered how he could be so casual. Of course he couldn't know why she was coming to see him. But it had been exactly thirteen days. Had he guessed? Maybe he didn't care.
She sighed. What was she supposed to say? She thought of several opening lines and discarded them all. Why was this so hard? All she had to say was Austin, I'm pregnant. No big deal.
She stood staring at a red toolbox and opened her mouth to speak. "It doesn't mean anything." That wasn't right. She tried again. "It doesn't have to mean anything to you if you don't want it to. It means a lot to me. Of course, why wouldn't it? I just don't want you to think it's about money. Yours. I don't want it or feel that a claim is necessary. It doesn't have to be disruptive. I guess you can ignore the whole thing."
"Rebecca? What the hell are you talking about?"
She turned to face him. He'd risen to his feet and loomed over her. Six feet four inches of confused male.
"I have a great job," she said. "Lots of support, friends, a decent income. I don't have my own place, but I'll be getting one as soon as the new home for the children is built. I think it would be a mistake for me to move out while they're in temporary quarters."
"I still don't know what this has to do with anything." His gray eyes locked on hers. He wasn't smiling. He wasn't doing anything but waiting and watching. It was unnerving, like trying to take a test with the teacher breathing down her neck. "Just say it."
"I'm pregnant."
Nothing about his expression changed. His mouth stayed in a straight line. His eyes continued to hold hers. Not by a twitch of a muscle did he give away what he was thinking. She waited, clasping her hands in front of her waist, nibbling on her bottom lip. The silence stretched between them until the room vibrated from the tension. Would he blame her? Did he understand that she hadn't done this on purpose? She'd never really seen Austin angry. Would he frighten her? She knew he wouldn't hurt her, but fear could be pretty upsetting.
She tried to think of something intelligent to say. Nothing came to mind. Just when she became convinced he was never going to say anything at all, he spoke. She'd spent the morning planning her response to any number of things he might say. She thought she'd planned for every contingency. She'd missed one.
"Rebecca," he said, his voice low but clearly audible, "will you marry me?"
* * *
Chapter 8
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Rebecca might have been beautiful and gentle, and terrific with kids, but she was an amateur when it came to hiding her feelings.
Austin watched her carefully, monitoring what she was thinking. Shock widened her eyes and drew the color from her skin. Her lips parted, but she didn't speak. Her fingers twisted together. She looked as stunned as when she'd turned around and seen him undressing that night in his loft.
But she didn't recoil. That was something.
She was going to refuse, of course. He expected her to.
Why would a woman like her want to marry a guy like him?
After what he'd told her the last time they'd been together, he was surprised she'd come this close to him again. No doubt her sense of right and wrong had convinced her he should know about the baby.
Baby. He swore under his breath and stared at her stomach. He couldn't believe it. They were going to have a child together. Whether she wanted to or not, they were going to get married. No child of his was going to be born a bastard.
"You want to marry me?" she asked softly.
"Yes."
She held out her hands in front of her, palms up.
"Why?"
"Because of the baby."
"This is the nineties, Austin. You don't have to marry a woman just because you got her pregnant. I would have thought you'd be the last person to care about convention."
"I don't care what other people think. This is between you and me. I want us to get married. I want my child to have a name."
There. He'd said it. He watched as understanding dawned in her eyes. He'd told her a little about his childhood and what had happened to him. Being the compassionate type, she would melt inside. It was a dirty trick, but he didn't care.
He would do whatever was necessary to protect his child from the horrors of the world. Even if he had to lie, cheat and steal. He trusted no one. Not Rebecca, not even himself.
"I thought you'd be angry," she said shyly. "You're acting very calm about the whole thing. Did you guess?"
"No, but I'm not surprised. Life has a way of holding me responsible for my actions. I didn't think this time would be any di
fferent."
"That's not very romantic." She tossed her hair over her shoulders, leaving her face bare to his gaze.
"I know. I'm sorry. This isn't about moonlight and roses, but the proposal is genuine."
"If we get married, I'll be your wife."
"I know."
"But I don't love you."
For the first time since she'd made her announcement, he relaxed enough to smile. "I know. I don't want you to love me. I want to give the baby a name and a home. Nothing else. I know this isn't what you'd planned. Maybe you would have found another Wayne. Maybe you wouldn't have. You're still emotionally connected with him. When you're ready to let go of him and move on, we'll work something out. Being married doesn't have to change our lives all that much."
She drew her eyebrows together, as if she was mulling over his argument. "I don't…" She paused, then tried a different tack. "I do care about you, Austin, but marriage, gosh, that's so huge. It's really not necessary. I can take care of the child fine on my own. He or she can have your last name. I don't mind that."
He took a step toward her, closing the distance between them. When she tilted her head back so she could meet his gaze, he gently touched her cheek. Her soft skin burned him clear down to the black hole of his heart. "That's not good enough. I've got a lot of flaws, but running away from my responsibilities isn't one of them. You were the inexperienced one. I should have known better than to assume the birth control was taken care of. I didn't know you were a virgin, but I could tell you hadn't been around. Your pregnancy is my fault. I was too caught up with wanting to get you into bed to think the thing through. Now there's a baby to consider. I won't walk away from that."
"If I remember correctly, I was the one making all the offers. You resisted me, almost to the end." She smiled up at him, her expression teasing.
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