"Rebecca didn't want to tell anyone until it was done. She asked me to keep quiet, so I did."
"But this is all so sudden. You'd always said you weren't interested in getting married." Travis leaned back in his chair. "Don't get me wrong. I'm happy for you. Rebecca and I have been close friends ever since she moved to town. I don't think you could have made a better choice. But why the rush and secrecy?"
Austin smiled slightly. Come on, Trav, you're smarter than that. Why does any couple get married in a hurry? "
His friend frowned. "Elizabeth and I didn't want to wait because we were in love and because we couldn't live together during the engagement. Mandy is very impressionable. Something tells me that's not why you two did this." He frowned, thinking. Suddenly he straightened in the chair. "Holy— She's pregnant?"
Austin nodded. He hadn't been sure what his friend's reaction would be. Although he'd been bothered by Rebecca's request not to tell anyone about the wedding, in a way it had made things easier for him. He'd thought people might talk. That didn't bother him. He was used to that kind of attention. It came with his reputation. But Rebecca was different. She'd never done anything bad in her whole innocent life. No. She'd done one thing – she'd slept with him.
"Hot damn." Travis pounded him on the back. "Congratulations. That's terrific." He grinned and leaned close.
"So, how are you?"
Austin smiled. "Terrified."
"Tell me about it. These women think it's so easy to be a father, but I'll tell you, it keeps me up nights." He shrugged. "I guess all we can do is our best. I know one thing for sure. I'm going to do a better job than my old man."
Austin wanted to say the same, but he didn't know what kind of father his old man had been. He'd been absent. Austin had only met him once in his life, and it had been ugly. He shook off the thought, not wanting to break the mood with unpleasantness from the past.
There was a noise by the door. Elizabeth entered with Rebecca following her. Both he and Travis rose and held out chairs for the women.
Rebecca paused before sitting down. Their eyes met. Makeup accentuated her brown irises, and high cheeks. Her hair flowed around her shoulders and tumbled down her back in erotic disarray. A circle of small white sat on her head. The ivory lace dress, the flowers, the tentative smile, all made her look like a sacrificial virgin.
Technically Rebecca wasn't a virgin anymore, but the air of innocence still clung to her. He wondered if it always would.
He stood behind her chair until she was seated. She rested her bouquet on the table between her and Travis. Austin sat on her right. Her left hand lay on the table, the diamonds in her ring gleaming in the candlelight.
He smiled slightly, remembering the stunned look on her face when she'd seen the ring. The wide-eyed stare had convinced him more than any words that she hadn't married him for his money. He would have sworn an oath that, until that moment, she'd forgotten he was wealthy.
He glanced from her hand to his own. The engraved gold band fit perfectly. He'd been surprised, as well, but pleased. Her gesture had erased some of the bitterness he felt about the day.
He glanced around the small table set for four and imagined what it could have been. He'd offered her a party for all her friends; he'd offered her a big wedding. She'd wanted no part of either. She hadn't told a soul about the baby or the wedding. He'd finally figured out why: she was ashamed of him.
Before he could say anything to her, Travis stood up and raised his glass. "I'd like to propose a toast. To the happy couple. May you be blessed with a lifetime of joy and love."
Elizabeth raised her glass. "Hear, hear."
Rebecca smiled. Austin waited, but she didn't drink. Then he noticed Elizabeth put her glass down untouched. Travis took a sip and smiled. "Smooth, Lucas. Only the best."
He glanced at Rebecca. She caught his eye and read his confusion. She leaned toward him. A strand of hair slipped off her shoulder and brushed against the back of his hand. A shiver raced up his arm.
"It's the alcohol," she whispered. "Neither of us can drink because we're pregnant. It's not good for the baby."
Understanding dawned. "Sorry, I should have thought of that."
"It's okay."
He motioned to a waiter standing by the door and ordered sparkling mineral water for the women. Soon the first course was served and everyone started chatting.
When the meal was finished and they were waiting for dessert, Austin glanced over and saw Rebecca staring at her hand. Travis and Elizabeth were talking to each other in low tones.
"What is it?" he asked, searching her face.
"I'm in shock, I think." She smiled.
He noted the shadows under her eyes. "Have you been sleeping?"
"Not very well," she admitted. "There's been a lot to do to get ready for the wedding and everything. I was up late packing."
He frowned. "I could have done that for you today."
She surprised him by blushing. "No, I wanted everything done so that when we got back to, uh, your place my things would already be there. Silly, huh?"
She bit her lower lip and looked anxious, as if she expected him to be annoyed. "No. I understand." But in truth he didn't. She'd been the one keeping the whole thing a secret. Why was she bent on getting moved into his place so quickly? He'd half expected her to tell him she wouldn't be moving in for a few days. He would have let her stay with the children for about a week, then he would have moved her over himself. It looked like that wasn't going to be a problem.
He told himself it didn't matter what she thought of him or the wedding. The important thing was that they were married and his child wasn't going to be a bastard. It was enough. Or it should have been. But he couldn't shake the feeling of inadequacy. Damn. He was thirty-four years old, respected in his field, successful, kind to animals, relatively thoughtful. Women in town whispered about him. He should have been a catch. So why had Rebecca kept the wedding a secret? Why didn't she want anyone to come and witness the ceremony? Why had she refused a big party? And why did he have to care so damn much? He should be happy. He didn't want her getting too emotionally involved with him. She obviously wasn't. Everything was going his way. In fact, he told himself, it couldn't be better.
Austin was quiet all through dessert and their goodbyes to Travis and Elizabeth. Rebecca wondered what she'd said to upset him. She didn't think it was because she wouldn't drink the champagne. He wouldn't want her risking the baby's health. So what was it?
He held open the passenger door of the Mercedes. She'd had Mary drop her off that morning, so her car, or rather the home's car, was back where it belonged. She'd made arrangements to have her things moved over to Austin's during the ceremony. Everything was all set. She glanced down at her ring. She should be as happy as could be. So why did she feel like crying?
"In a few months, as soon as the children have settled into their new place, we'll move to the big house," Austin said as he fastened his seat belt. "There'll be more room for you and the child."
"Are you moving with us, or are you going to stay in the loft?"
He'd already placed the key in the ignition, but now he turned to look at her. "I'd planned to move with you. Would you rather that I didn't?"
She blinked to hold back the sudden burning in her eyes. They'd been married less than three hours and already they were talking like strangers. "No, of course not."
"Then why did you ask?"
"Because of the way you phrased your statement. You said there would be more room for me and the child. As if you weren't going to be there."
He raised his hand, as if he was going to touch her. She leaned closer, but then he lowered his arm to his side and rested his fingers on the edge of his seat.
"I'm committed to this marriage," he said, not meeting her gaze. "I'm going to do the best I can to be a good husband and father. If you'll let me know what you expect of me, I'll do my best to oblige."
Hardly a romantic declaration, she thought gr
imly. But this was Austin, and he'd never pretended to be marrying her for love.
"I don't really have any expectations," she said. Although a little hand-holding and touching would be nice. But she couldn't say that to him. Couldn't he just know what she was feeling?
He rested his left hand on the top of the steering wheel. It was close to seven in the evening, and the sun was still up. Light glinted off the gold band on his finger. He was her husband. She was supposed to be able to say anything to him. Unfortunately it wasn't going to be that easy. "I've opened accounts for you at all the major stores in the area," he said. "I know you lost a lot of your things in the fire. Feel free to buy whatever you want. We now have a joint checking account. I have someone who comes in and does the cleaning and I think we should keep her. I don't like that car you drive. In the next day or so, I want to buy you a new one. Maybe a minivan. Let me know your schedule and we'll pick a time that's convenient."
He continued with his list, explaining about life insurance, medical insurance and stock options. She felt more like a newly hired employee than a wife.
"Austin, stop. Why are you telling me all this?"
Finally he looked at her. She tried to read the expression in his unfathomable gray eyes, but his feelings were too deeply buried. "We're married. You're my responsibility."
"You make me sound like a puppy rather than a woman. Or a life partner. I know these aren't the best of circumstances, but if we try, I think it can work. I like you. You've said you like me, too. Please don't destroy everything we've built so far by talking about checking accounts and insurance. Tell me you're excited about the baby. Tell me you're terrified of picking out china patterns and don't want to change your flatware. Give me a hint that this wedding isn't the worst thing that's ever happened to you."
Before she could blink it back, a single tear rolled down her cheek. Austin sucked in his breath, then used his thumb to brush away the drop.
"Damn it, Rebecca, don't you dare cry. You're the one with the regrets, not me."
"Regrets? What are you talking about?"
"Don't pretend. I know what you've been thinking. You're embarrassed by this whole thing. Frankly I'm surprised you agreed to marry me at all."
He faced front and reached for the key. Before he could turn it, she grabbed his wrist. "Austin, wait. I'm not embarrassed to be marrying you. Why would you think that? I confess I'm a little apprehensive about making the marriage work, but that's about me. I'm not like those other women you've had. I'm not beautiful and smart and experienced. I don't know how to please a man or look good in an evening gown. I'm not who you would have chosen. I know that. But you agreed because of the baby. If anyone is embarrassed, it should be you."
He leaned back in his seat. "So why didn't you want people to know about the pregnancy and the wedding?"
She mumbled her reply.
He turned sharply and grabbed her shoulders. "What did you say?"
She flicked her hair back behind her shoulders. The evening sun hit him directly on the side of his face, highlighting the black in his hair and reflecting off his earring. He'd shaved recently; she could tell by his smooth jaw. The ivory shirt and tie, the conservative cut of his suit, were all out of character for the Austin Lucas she knew. He'd done it for her, so she would be more comfortable. And then he'd thought she was embarrassed to be marrying him.
Shame washed over her, shame and a growing awareness of how she'd misjudged this man. She'd had a crush on him, tempted him into bed so that she could be rid of her virginity. Never once did she give a thought to what her action meant to him. She'd used him sexually, the way men have used women for centuries. That wasn't right. She'd taken away his choices, married him and given him nothing in return
"Oh, Austin, I'm so sorry," she whispered, and threw herself in his arms.
He held her close. She squeezed her eyes shut and tried not to cry. After a moment she got her emotions under control, but she didn't pull back. She liked the feel of his hard chest against her breasts and the way his large hands held her securely against him. He murmured soft words of concern, promising he would make her world right. But it was world that needed fixing.
"I wasn't ashamed of you," she said softly, inhaling the masculine scent of his body. "I was ashamed of myself. I couldn't bear to think that people were saying I'd trapped you. I was afraid you'd get so upset at the talk that you'd change your mind. I thought you wouldn't show up."
There. She'd said it. Admitted her ugly truth and explained the blackness of her deed.
He cupped her face and eased her back until he could see her. "Is that all?"
"All? It's horrible. Slimy. You must be disgusted." She closed her eyes and waited for his anger.
"You can look," he said, his voice low and teasing.
She opened her eyes. He smiled.
"You're not angry."
"You're right. It's okay to be scared, Rebecca. I'm scared, too."
"I never would have thought that."
"I'm just a man. No more, no less."
A good man, but she knew better than to say that aloud. He would flinch and probably withdraw.
"Okay," she said. "Let's not mess up this way again. No more wondering what the other person is thinking. Next time, ask me. And I'll do the same. Deal?"
She held out her hand. He glanced at it. "Deal." But instead of shaking, he leaned over and kissed her. It was a brief brush of lips, nothing more. But she experienced a reaction clear down to her belly.
He straightened in his seat. "Let's go home."
Home. She leaned back and relaxed. Everything was going to work out. She smiled lazily, thinking of the coming night. It had been almost a month since they'd made love. Not a day had gone by without her thinking about it, about him and how he'd made her feel. She wanted to experience his lovemaking again, only this time she wanted to be more a part of what they were doing, rather than just lying there. She closed her eyes and tried to remember exactly what Austin had done to her body so she could do those things to him.
But the recent activity and sleepless nights caught up with her. She must have dozed because the next thing she knew, they were parked in front of the barn and Austin was opening her door.
"Wake up, sleepyhead," he said, reaching over to unfasten her seat belt.
"Did I fall asleep? I'm sorry."
"It's all right. You're tired. Can you get out of the car?"
"Of course I can. I'm not an invalid."
She swung her legs around and stood up. But before she could take a step, Austin leaned over and swept her up in his arms.
"Put me down," she demanded.
"No. You need to be in bed. You're exhausted."
"Oh, I'm not that tired," she said, quickly giving up the fight and snuggling close to him. She wrapped her arms around his neck as he entered the barn and started up the stairs.
She sighed. It was so romantic. He was carrying her over the threshold and to their bed. Her body began to heat up at the thought of making love with him. She eyed his tie and wondered if she could pull it free. She wove her fingers through his hair, loving the feel of the silky strands. Her forehead rested on his shoulder. She turned her head toward his neck, ready to press her lips to his skin, when he came to a stop.
"Here we are." He slowly allowed her legs to touch the floor.
When she was standing, she kept one arm around him and smiled. "I can't believe I'm here," she said, reaching for his suit jacket. "It's all been a blur, but I think I'll remember this part." She tugged at the lapels, pulling the fabric over his shoulders.
He stepped back. "Rebecca, no."
"What?"
He placed his hands on her shoulders and turned her toward the room. She hadn't been in the loft since that first night, but she remembered every square inch of his home.
There had been a change. At the far end of the loft a room had been closed off. She saw the tall walls and the open door. Through it she could see the foot of a bed. Her gaze
flew to the king-size bed sitting where it had before. Two beds?
"Austin? What's going on?"
"I knew you'd want the privacy. Some space of your own."
She clutched her hands together in front of her waist. "Separate bedrooms?"
"Yes. With your pregnancy and all. I thought it would be best."
Best for whom? She took a step back and bumped into the railing. Grabbing the wooden support, she stared at the walls that enclosed her solitary space. He wanted them to sleep apart. All her dreams for a sexual relationship, all her hopes for the future, vanished in the blink of an eye. No, they didn't vanish. They'd never existed in the first place.
"This is what you want?" she asked.
When he didn't answer, she looked at him. He was staring past her, gazing at something she couldn't see. He twisted his wedding band around and around, as if it was uncomfortable. It probably was.
She'd been fooling herself. He'd never wanted a real marriage at all.
She took a deep breath, determined to make one more try. "Austin, I'm your wife."
"I know," he said, and started for the stairs. "I've thought this through. It's for the best. For both of us."
* * *
Chapter 10
« ^ »
Austin stood at the front window of the loft. From here he could see over the trees to the big house where the children were staying. He could see past that to the other side where a larger grave of trees separated his property from his nearest neighbor's. At night the stars glowed from the heavens and moonlight cast eerie shadows across the land. He knew. He'd spent each of the past seven nights staring out this window, listening to the silence and wondering how badly he'd messed everything up.
This morning was different. Voices filled the air. He drew he gaze from the horizon back down to the activity in front of the barn.
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