Marriage On Demand

by Susan Mallery

  Austin didn't look much better than Kyle. "Aren't you worried?"

  "A little," she said. "But childbirth is a normal part of a woman's life. Elizabeth will be fine."

  Before he could answer, she wrapped her arms around his waist and leaned against him. She forced herself to relax as she waited to be pushed away. Austin stood immobile for so long she thought he might not even be aware of what she was doing. Then he brought his arms up and encircled her body, holding her close. She breathed a sigh of contentment Looks like her idea had been dead-on. He needed the touching he'd been deprived of so many years before. He needed to know he was loved, not just desired.

  "I didn't mean about Elizabeth," he said, resting his chin on her head. "Are you scared for yourself? When it's your time?"

  "I try not to think about it," she admitted. "Sometimes it's frightening to think about going through labor. I don't deal all that well with pain. Then I think about having a baby, and I know it will be worth it in the end. Birth is a natural part of the cycle of nature. I want children, and this is how I'm going to get them."

  "I wouldn't want anything to happen to you."

  Her heart fluttered. That statement was the closest Austin had ever come to admitting he cared.

  "I feel responsible for the pregnancy," he continued. "Bad enough that your life has been turned around without anything else making it worse."

  Okay, so that wasn't exactly the romantic declaration she'd been hoping for, but it was enough.

  The door behind them opened. They both turned and saw Travis come in. He was still dressed in green scrubs. The color had returned to his face, and he was grinning like a fool.

  Rebecca smiled at him. "Well?"

  His gaze swept the room. "Where are my other brothers? Or couldn't they get away?"

  "Right behind you," came the gruff response. "Nice of you to wait until we got here."

  Jordan and Craig entered the waiting room. Craig, a cop in Sacramento, was still in uniform. Jordan, the black sheep and only fire fighter in four generations of policemen, was wearing jeans and a T-shirt.

  Travis turned and held out his arms. The two tall men moved into his embrace. Kyle crossed the room to be included. The four Haynes brothers clung to each other, communicating silently what they could not put into words.

  Rebecca felt a lump forming in her throat. When she had her child, her sisters would come up to be with her, as would her parents. The warmth and support of her family would allow her to get through whatever she had to.

  She turned to Austin, ready to share the moment. He stood stiffly, his hands balled into fists at his sides. The stark pain was back in his eyes. His expression of longing tore at her. In that instant, when she saw down into the empty, hungry part of his soul, she realized he'd spent his entire life on the outside looking in. Although he'd made friends with Travis and his brothers, not once had he been pulled inside the circle of closeness.

  Slowly, cautiously, so as not to startle him, she placed her hand on his back. He relaxed slightly, but didn't acknowledge her presence. Still, it was enough that she could be with him and that she knew the truth about him. Tonight she would take the next step in her campaign.

  She looked up and saw Travis standing beside her. He'd walked over and held out his hand. When Austin took it, Travis shook once, then f0lded him into his embrace.

  Rebecca had to swallow back tears. "You never told us, Travis," she said, sniffing. "What did you have?"

  He released Austin and grinned at Rebecca. Bending down, he kissed her on both cheeks. "A girl."

  "What?" Craig stared at his brother. "Did you say a girl?"

  Kyle raised his eyebrows and placed his hands on his hips. "That's not possible. There hasn't been a girl born into this family in four generations."

  "There is now," Travis said, grinning like a proud papa. "She's as beautiful as her mother."

  Craig shook his head. "A girl. I have three boys. Dad had four boys. He's one of six boys. So how did you get a girl?"

  Travis puffed out his chest. "Just lucky, I guess."

  "I think it's because you were in love," Rebecca said.

  Craig stared at her as if she'd grown another head. Kyle laughed out loud. Only Jordan didn't smile. "I think she's right," he said.

  While all the Haynes brothers looked very similar with their dark, curly hair and handsome features, Jordan was the loner. As Rebecca met his gaze, she realized he'd always been the one most like Austin. Although Travis was her husband's closest friend, Jordan shared his inclination to stand outside the circle and look in. He was the quiet one, the rebel the other brothers never ceased teasing about becoming a fire fighter, instead of a cop.

  The other brothers gathered around Travis and started slapping him on the back. She looked up at Austin. "Maybe we should go look at the baby."

  He nodded and placed his hand on the small of her back. Before they could leave, Jordan stopped them. "I never got to congratulate you," he said, looking at Austin. "You got lucky. Don't let her get away."

  "I won't," Austin answered.

  Rebecca wanted to believe his comment meant something, but she was sure he was just being polite. Then Jordan turned to her. "I hope you're happy," he said, his tone sincere. Then he touched her face with his fingers and bent to kiss her. The brush of his lips was quick and warm, and overwhelmingly sad. In that split second of connection, she felt his emptiness. Startled, she tried to read his expression. Like Austin, Jordan Haynes had learned to hide what he was thinking.

  "Maybe you should find someone of your own," she said, drawing her eyebrows together.

  "Unlikely," he replied, and walked back to his brothers.

  She stared after him. What was Jordan's story? He was the best-looking of the brothers and all of them were easy on the eye. If the stories were true, he'd always been the quiet one. What had happened to make him withdraw?

  As they approached the nursery, she shook off thoughts of Jordan. As much as she liked all the Haynes brothers, right now her husband required her full attention.

  They stopped in front of the glass wall separating the nursery from the hallway. "They're so small," she said. A black haired infant directly in front of them waved a fist in the air and made sucking motions.

  "Oh, my." Her breath caught in her throat.

  Back in the waiting room, with Kyle and Austin so nervous, she'd been able to handle the thought of having a baby. She wasn't showing, she didn't feel sick, and she'd only missed one period. Although she knew in her head she was pregnant, she didn't really feel any different. Even the conversation about going through labor hadn't affected her.

  But now, staring at these tiny infants, she felt the heavy responsibility settle on her shoulders. This wasn't an intellectual discussion about some event far off in the future. This was real. She was actually going to have a baby.

  A nurse walked into the nursery. "Which one would you like to see?" she asked.

  "Baby Haynes," Rebecca said. "She was just born."

  "Let me see if she's cleaned up." The nurse disappeared into a back room. Seconds later she returned, a tiny child nestled in her arms. She moved to the glass partition and brushed the pink-and-ivory blanket away from the baby's face.

  The little girl, so small and red-faced, opened her big eyes and blinked fuzzily. Her mouth was the shape of a tiny rosebud. Even with her blotchy skin and wisps of light brown hair, she was beautiful.

  "Oh, Austin, isn't she wonderful?"

  When he didn't answer, Rebecca glanced at him. He was staring at the infant as if she was the most precious thing he'd ever seen. Rebecca felt her eyes start to burn. She blinked to hold back the tears. Then Austin reached for her hand. His fingers slipped between hers and he squeezed.

  Together they watched the newborn snuggle deeper into the blankets and fall asleep. Rebecca didn't bother to brush away the tears, not even when Austin put his 'arm around her and pulled her close. When his free hand touched her still-flat belly, she smiled with
contentment. They were going to have a child. Pray God they found their way together and were able to give their baby the warm, loving home every child deserved.

  * * *

  Austin picked up the television remote control and started hunting through the channels. From his place on the sofa he could see Rebecca cooking in the kitchen. After they'd left the hospital, they'd talked about going back to the carnival, but Rebecca had admitted to being tired. He certainly didn't need to spend any more time in the crowds, avoiding gossip and old lovers. So they'd come home.

  The news show couldn't hold his interest. He glanced up and watched his wife move from the stove to the counter and back. His wife. He'd never planned to say those words.

  He'd never thought he would get involved, get married or have a child. It had happened so quickly. He hadn't lied that morning when he'd told Rebecca that while he might regret getting her pregnant, he didn't regret the child.

  But it scared the hell out of him. He grimaced, remembering the man who had come into the waiting area and talked about the torture his wife had gone through to have their child. He could still see the horror in his eyes and hear the fear in his voice.

  Austin hit the remote again and switched from the news to a baseball game. As much as he wanted a child, he would give his life to keep anything from happening to Rebecca. He couldn't bear knowing he'd hurt her by their living arrangements; he would never survive if he knew the pregnancy would do her harm.

  They were going to have a child. He leaned back on the sofa and tried to absorb the words. They'd had little meaning until he'd seen Travis's daughter. She'd been so tiny.

  How did anyone take care of something that small? How was he supposed to know what a baby needed or wanted?

  "It'll be about ten more minutes until dinner," Rebecca called.

  "Fine. Do you want me to set the table?"

  She looked up and smiled. "Already done."

  She'd taken her shoes off when they'd come upstairs. Her hair was pulled back in a loose braid, with a few wisps floating around her face. Her dark eyes flared with life and contentment. From the first moment he'd seen her, he'd thought she was beautiful inside and out. Time had convinced him his initial assessment was correct. Rebecca was one of those rare souls who truly believed there was good in world. She didn't use sarcasm in her speech. She thought the best of everyone until proved otherwise, sometimes even after seeing proof that person had no good side.

  God knows why, but she thought he was worth saving. It didn't matter what he told her about his past or how much he unintentionally hurt her. She continued to believe he had a heart of gold. Today he'd seen that damn light back in her eyes when he'd taken David on a few rides. Why did she have to make a big deal about it? The kid had been alone. Anyone would have done the same thing. Besides, he'd had time to kill until Rebecca was done with her volunteering.

  But she didn't see it that way at all. She'd looked up at him, her eyes glowing with pride, her heart on her sleeve. He'd felt like slime. The sharp pain in his chest had been one part joy, two parts fear. Because it was too easy. It was just a matter of time until this whole thing blew up in his face. The second he started to need her and depend on her, he would lose her.

  The problem was, he admitted to himself, it was already too late. Even though they slept apart, he couldn't imagine the place without her. The whisper of her perfume kept him awake long after she'd fallen asleep. The sound of her laughter echoed in his lab, taunting him throughout the day. Needing her would make him vulnerable. Not needing her would snuff out the light in her eyes.

  With a certainty that crawled over him like the cool, smooth belly of a snake, he knew he had to let her go. Let her go, or hold on for all he was worth. And he couldn't do that. Ever. Holding on, caring, meant exposing himself. Once his dark secret came to light, he would crumple and blow away on the wind. Then she would know the truth. That inside there was nothing worth loving. The black hole of his soul sucked in all the light and let none escape.

  But his arms ached to hold her close. Not just to make love, but to be near her, touching her, being touched by her. All afternoon she'd been next to him, brushing against his body, resting her hand on his arm. Little touches. They'd been a balm to his wounds. He'd horded the memories storing them to feed on in the long winter to come.

  He would let her go because it was the ultimate act of kindness. To bind her to him was unconscionable. A woman like her shouldn't be tied to a bastard like himself.

  She hummed under her breath. The sweet sound called to him. He glanced at her face, at her slender body, at her still flat stomach, and knew he had to let her go before it was too late. Once their child was born, he would never be able to survive losing her.

  His gaze returned to her face. Their eyes met. Rebecca studied him as if she knew exactly what he'd been thinking and didn't like it one bit. Before he could turn away, she slid the pan off the flame, turned off the stove and walked over to him.

  "I don't think so," she said.

  "What are you talking about?"

  "Whatever you're planning. You've already made enough rules without my input. I suppose it's my own fault for letting you. I should have spoken up right away. After all, we're partners in this marriage. Don't you agree, Austin?"

  There was a light in her eyes he'd never seen before. The strength he'd always admired seemed to steel her spine as she got closer.

  "Yeah, right," he mumbled, not sure what she was talking about. He reached for the remote and punched off the TV.

  "They've been your rules, put in place for your convenience. That's about to change." She knelt on the soft next to him, then slid one knee over his thighs so that she was straddling him. Raising her hands high, she unfastened her braid. When her hair was loose, she brought her forehead down to touch his. The dark, curly strands provided a curtain of privacy.

  "It's time for new rules. My rules." She shifted her weight from knee to knee, then sank onto his lap. Her panties rested against his crotch, her hands touched his shoulders. "Rule number one. More touching." She pressed her breasts against his chest. "Lots more touching."

  He told himself to pull away. He knew this was a mistake. One of them was bound to get hurt. But he couldn't move. Her slim arms were like bands of steel. Or maybe he just wanted them to be. Maybe he was tired of pushing her away and hiding from the things she made him feel.

  She bent closer and brushed his lips with hers. Instantly fire flared between them. Heat rolled through his body, settling in his groin. By the time she'd leaned forward and nibbled on his ear, he was already hard.

  "Oh, Austin, I'm your wife," she whispered, dragging her mouth back to his. "Don't keep shutting me out."

  The second kiss wasn't quite as fleeting. She pressed against him, moving slightly. The soft pressure taunted him. Of their own accord, his hands slid up her calves to her thighs. He slipped under her full skirt and touched her warm, bare skin. She shivered against him.

  "Don't resist me," she said softly, then swept her tongue across his lips.

  He moaned low in his throat. His mouth opened. Slowly, so slowly he thought he might go mad, she pushed her tongue inside. Tentatively tasting, savoring each moment as if it was precious.

  He brought his hands up her legs, feeling her muscles tense and release as he held her hips, then slipped back to cup her rear.

  She wrapped her arms around his neck and breathed his name, then angled her head and plunged into his mouth again. Her kiss changed from searching to demanding. When he responded, she bit down lightly.

  "Stop being a jerk," she said, pulling back and glaring at him. "I mean it. We didn't get married under the best of circumstances. I'll admit that. But so what? We can still make it work between us. But we both have to try." Her brown eyes searched his. "I can't do it by myself. You have to let me in. Just a little. I know you don't want to expose your feelings. That's okay. But you have to give me something to work with."

  His hands stilled on her bo
dy. "I don't know if I can."

  "Try. Today at the hospital when we saw Elizabeth and Travis's baby, I knew we weren't pretending anymore. This is very real. We have to be ready to provide a home for our child."

  Or end it now, he thought grimly, knowing he didn't have a hope in hell of letting her walk out that door tonight. It wasn't just because he was hard and ready and the dampness of her panties told him she was just as willing. It was because if he pushed her away he would hurt her, and right now he wasn't strong enough to face that. And, a small voice reminded him, if he sent her away, there would be no one to hold him and care for him…

  "I know you have secrets," she said. He stared at her, wondering when she'd learned to read his mind. She went on as if she hadn't noticed. "You don't have to share them with me. What's more important is that we make this marriage work. That we respect each other. That we work on building a bond between us."

  He touched her face, then ran his fingers through her long hair. The bond she spoke about was already in place. He could feel the silken ties wrapping around his heart and squeezing. She didn't know what she was asking. It was too late. It had been too late for years. Didn't she know that anything he loved or tried to love had been destroyed?

  He'd desperately loved his mother and she'd returned those feelings with abandonment and betrayal. He'd wanted to know his father, but the old man had threatened to put him in prison if he ever approached him again. Even when he was just fifteen and he'd loved this town and his friends more than anything in his life, he'd managed to screw it all up by stealing a car. Just because he knew it wasn't going to last. Rather than wait for the pain, he'd created it himself so he could meet it on his own terms.

  He didn't want to mess up with Rebecca, but it was inevitable. Somehow, sometime, he would say the unforgivable, lash out in fear and destroy the bond she sought to weave between them.

  "Austin," she said, cupping his face in her hands, "it's not supposed to hurt that much. I'm sorry."

  "It doesn't matter."

  "Of course it does. You matter to me. Very much." She traced his nose, his mouth, then the line of his jaw. Last of all, she touched his earring and smiled. The tenderness in her gaze made him flinch. "I don't need you to love me back," she said softly. "Just let me in enough to love you."