Marriage On Demand

by Susan Mallery

  "Working on the plane."

  "Show me, please. Is this the wing?"

  David nodded.

  "Did you paint it yourself? It's a very good job."

  Slowly her questions drew him out until he was once again chatting animatedly. While David explained what they'd done and their plans for the plane, Rebecca kept her arm around him and used her free hand to brush the hair from his eyes and touch his face. Constant contact and reassurance Austin recognized her technique; she used it on him.

  In the past month, she'd kept her word. She hadn't gone back to the bedroom he'd built for her. Every night she'd shared his bed. Every night they'd made love. As much as he'd tried, he'd never been able to reclaim his distance. He could only be with her, in her, and feel the moment.

  He leaned back in his chair and studied the woman he had married. She wore her thick hair pulled back in a ponytail. The August heat made everyone irritable, but Rebecca looked calm and cool in a loose white dress. The waist was set low, around her hips, and the skirt flowed out around her knees. It wasn't see-through or low cut. Except for the fact that it was sleeveless, there was nothing sexy about the dress.

  Yet looking at her now got to him. It made him want her. She didn't even have to touch him. If he closed his eyes he was able to see her as she'd been last night, on top of him, riding him like a pagan queen. As he'd suspected, she had a wild streak of passion far beyond what she'd known about herself. She was flagrant and daring in bed, yet every morning she looked at him with the calm, loving eyes of a Madonna.

  Here, in the confines of his workroom, with her safely occupied by David, he could admit the truth. He adored being with her, next to her, inside her making love. More than that, he lived for the sound of her voice, the way she walked, her innocence, her belief in him, the light in her face when she smiled at him. He admired everything about her. But he refused to love her. That final step of faith was beyond him. It always would be. He couldn't trust her. Even more, he couldn't trust himself. Something would happen and she would leave. Not loving her was the only thing that would keep him alive in the aftermath.

  Rebecca stood up, drawing his attention back to her. "It's almost lunchtime, David. Why don't you head on back?"

  The boy slid out of the chair and obediently headed for the door.

  "You want to finish this tomorrow?" Austin called after him. David shrugged. "I thought you wanted it done in time for your party?"

  David stopped by the doorway and looked back. Disappointment filled his blue eyes. "It doesn't matter now," he said, then left.

  Austin grimaced.

  "What was that all about?" Rebecca asked, taking the boy's seat and picking up the wing. "He told me he wanted to have the plane done by next so he could have it at the party. I guess he changed his mind. Why?"

  He had a suspicion, but if he was right, it meant that he'd started to matter to the child. That was dangerous for both of them.

  It wasn't about him, he assured himself. David wouldn't notice if he was at the party or not. "I'm not sure," he said, then realized he'd just lied to her for the first time.

  She set the wing down, then leaned forward and placed her hand on his arm. "I really appreciate your taking the time to work with him. It means a lot to him."

  "No big deal." He'd kept his voice gruff on purpose. At the unfriendly tone, he saw Rebecca frown. He knew he confused her. She kept trying to get close to him and he kept backing away. He wanted to tell her it was a mistake to keep trying, but he couldn't. For some stupid reason he needed her to try, even though it was useless. In the back of his mind, he kept waiting for a miracle. There wasn't going to be one. He was long past believing in anything good happening. But he couldn't shake a sense of expectation.

  His gaze dropped to her stomach. There was the barest hint of rounding in her belly. He could feel it when they were together at night. He ached at the thought of having a child. It filled him with wonder. At the same time he prayed she would leave him before their baby was born. He couldn't survive losing them both.

  "You're not listening to me," she said impatiently.

  "I'm sorry. What were you saying?"

  She shook her head. "No. Tell me what you were thinking. You had the oddest look on your face."

  He couldn't lie to her again. "I was thinking that you make me very happy."

  Her smile was slow and sweet, filled with promise. "Do I? I try. It's important to me. Well, of course it is. I mean, I'm your wife. Every wife wants her husband to be happy. Well, not every wife. Some wives might hate their husbands, especially if they're getting a divorce. I'm not saying I want to get—"

  "Rebecca?"

  She clamped her mouth shut. Faint color stained her cheeks. Her eyes held his, then slipped away. "Yes?"

  " You're babbling."

  "I know. I was embarrassed by your compliment. Thank you. I'm glad I make you happy." She bit her lower lip. "You make me happy, too."

  "Do I?" The thought surprised him. "How?"

  "There's that thing you did last night." Her grin was teasing.

  He was surprised to find himself feeling a twinge of hurt at her words. He didn't want their relationship to be just about sex. Which was insane, he told himself. He was the one so damn set on keeping her out of his life. "You make me happy by being with me," she went on. "By helping me and supporting me, by holding me. And mostly by talking to me like I'm an intelligent person."

  "You are."

  "A lot of guys hate that."

  He leaned forward and brushed her lips with his. "A lot of guys are wimps."

  She giggled and tilted her head so their foreheads touched. '"I'm worried about David," she said.

  He straightened. Great. So she'd figured out he'd hurt the child. He tried to think of a defense, then realized he didn't have one. He deserved whatever she was about to say.

  "He's been talking about one of his uncles coming to his birthday party," she said.

  "He mentioned it."

  "The uncle isn't going to show up. He hasn't called or anything, but I've been working with this family for three months now. They don't want anything to do with David. I don't understand them. They make me crazy." She stared at him and twisted her ring. " You…"

  He braced himself. He told himself he could handle any criticism she might make. He'd always known he wasn't perfect.

  "You…" She took a deep breath. "This is so hard."

  "Just spit it out."

  "I don't spit," she said, giving him a quick smile. Her mouth twisted. "I thought maybe we could adopt him."

  He stared at her, sure he couldn't have heard her correctly. "You want the two of us to adopt David?"

  She nodded. "I know it's asking a lot. We're still trying to put the marriage together. I'm pregnant. This is the worst possible time. But he needs us, Austin. We would be good for him. And I've seen you working with him. I know you care about him."

  "No." He stood up and glared at her. "You want me to be some kid's father?" He laughed harshly. "Hell, lady, you should have been here about twenty minutes ago. I nearly sent the kid into tears because I told him I couldn't make his birthday party."

  "But you're going to be in Kansas next week. It s a business trip. That's hardly your fault."

  "I could get back if I wanted to. The point is I don't give a damn about some kid's party. I don't care about him or any of those other children. I don't want to adopt him. That's final. Do you understand?" He stopped when he realized he was yelling. He closed his eyes briefly and struggled for control. "Rebecca, I'm sorry."

  "No," she said, standing. "You're not. You're still fighting all this, aren't you?"

  He didn't answer.

  She sighed. "I know it's only been a month, but I thought I was making a difference."

  He thought she was, too, but it was too dangerous to admit that.

  "I love you, Austin."

  He stared at her, the words hanging between them. He couldn't speak.

  "I've loved y
ou for a long time," she continued. "I thought it was about my crush, or sex, but it's not. I love you. Flaws and all. Even knowing you might never be able to love me back. I suppose I'm a little crazy. I can't help believing in you."

  "Don't," he whispered, backing away from her. "Don't love me. Don't believe. I won't let you."

  "Austin, wait."

  But it was too late. He stalked out of the room and toward the barn. Instead of entering the building, he walked around it, heading into the trees. He had to be alone. He couldn't let her find him. What if she was able to convince him to believe? No, it couldn't happen. He wouldn't let it.

  Adopt David. She was crazy. He would end up destroying the child, just as he'd destroyed everything he loved. What about his own child? What about Rebecca? He didn't want her to love him.

  He trekked through the woods, his thoughts going around and around. Nothing was real. Nothing made sense.

  The sound of laughter caught his attention. He turned toward the sound. He'd come through the trees to the section that separated the barn and garage from the main house. He could see children playing on the grass. The playground set he'd purchased gleamed in the bright August sun. There were ten or so children, from very young to ten. They were having fun running around and calling out in the pattern of some intricate game.

  He stood outside the circle watching as he always had, as David did. Even as a young boy he'd never fit in. Going from place to place, being dumped where he was never led, wondering if his mother would come back for him, hoping she wouldn't, praying she would. How confused he'd been. A lonely child. No one had taken the time to him. Until that day in junior high when Travis had seen past the bully to the scared boy inside. Until Rebecca had believed enough to love him.

  He leaned against one of the trees and fought the emotions welling up inside him. He knew what she wanted. A single step of faith. It was so damn hard. But if he didn't take it, he would lose her. He wanted to reach out. He wanted to trust.

  Then he remembered even if he did reach out, she would leave, anyway. He would find the one way to drive her from him. As he had with everything he'd ever cared about.

  He would never be Wayne – a good, decent man. He would always be the dark loner. In time she would figure that out, as would David. It was better to stay outside the circle. Safer for all of them.

  * * *

  Rebecca tied off the last balloon and attached the ribbon tail. "I miss Austin," she said, staring at the bouquet of balloons she'd spent most of the morning finishing. Streamers flowed down from the high ceiling in the house's giant family room. Most of the furniture had been moved out to clear space for games, although two tables had been pushed against the far wall. One was for the cake and ice cream, the other for presents.

  "It is difficult when your husband goes away, leaving you to take care of decorations all by yourself," Elizabeth said, then laughed.

  "Okay, I'll admit I miss him for more than his balloon blowing-up technique, but right now that's most on my mind."

  "When does he come back?"

  "This afternoon. His plane gets in early enough for him to make it to the party, but I'm not sure he will."

  Elizabeth stood up and stretched. Except for her full breasts straining against her T-shirt, she didn't look as if she'd had a baby just a month before.

  "I thought Austin liked David," she said.

  "He does. It's just difficult to explain." Rebecca grabbed three balloons and walked them to the corner of the table. She bent over and began tying them to the leg. The bright decorations floated in the air. "He's concerned about getting too involved with David, then having him leave when this whole mess with his family is settled."

  "Rebecca." Elizabeth joined her. "You'd mentioned something about wanting to adopt David. Did you talk to Austin about that?"

  Rebecca secured the knot and straightened. "He doesn't want to."

  "I'm sorry."

  "It's for the best." She tried to smile, but had a feeling it came out shaky. "At least that's what I keep telling myself. Oh, Elizabeth, I'm so afraid. What if I've made a terrible mistake? I keep trying with Austin. I'm just not sure I'm getting through to him."

  "You are." Her friend patted her arm. Her eyes darkened with concern and encouragement. "I know it's hard now, but you have to keep plugging away. Remember what Travis went through with me? He was ready to get married and I didn't even want to see him again. He had to give me time and room to come to my senses. You have to do the same. It's worth it in the end, I promise."

  Rebecca glanced down at her wedding band. "But we're already married. I feel as if we've done this whole thing backwards. First we make love, then I get pregnant, then we get married and now we're getting to know each other. I think even a strong relationship would have trouble with that sequence of events, let alone one that's brand-new."

  Elizabeth leaned forward and hugged her. She smelled of baby powder. The sweet scent made Rebecca want to cry.

  "Give yourself a break. So it's not going perfectly, but it is better, isn't it?"

  Rebecca shrugged. "Sometimes I think so. Sometimes I feel like I'm banging my head against the wall."

  "You're stronger than any old wall. For what it's worth, I think Austin is desperate to love someone. He just doesn't know how. Show him the way. Keep believing. If not just for yourself, then for your child." Elizabeth glanced at her stomach and grimaced. "I can't stand the fact that you aren't even bloated."

  "I am." Rebecca smoothed the front of her dress tight across her midsection. "See?"

  Elizabeth snorted in disgust. "I think I'm going to hate you through this pregnancy. You'll probably gain all of fifteen pounds, never get puffy and look perfect two days after giving birth. I'm still fighting to lose fifteen pounds and I've been dieting for almost five weeks."

  Rebecca grinned. "They must all be in your chest because you look great."

  Elizabeth glanced down at the front of her blouse. "Travis is kind of excited about that part. I haven't told him most of it will go away when I stop breast-feeding. I hate to disappoint him." She glanced at her watch. "Speaking of Travis, I've got to run. Little Julia is going to be hungry in about a half hour, and that's one activity Travis can't do for me." She leaned over and kissed Rebecca's cheek. "Hang in there. Keep believing. And if you ever need a break, there's always a room waiting for you at our place."

  "Thanks."

  Rebecca watched her friend leave, then turned back to the decorations. She was determined to make the party special for David. It was his first one without his family. She'd put the word out in town, and she knew enough about the community of Glenwood to know the people would come through for the little boy. If only Austin would do the same. It would mean so much to David.

  She collected another three balloons for the far side of the table. It wasn't all for the child, she admitted. She needed Austin to show up for David because it would give her hope for their future. But deep in her bones, she prepared herself to be disappointed. She was beginning to wonder if her husband was ever going to change.

  * * *

  By two-thirty, the party was in full swing. Several people from town had come by to drop off presents for David. The table was stacked high with packages. Some of the children in the home had made him gifts, others had used their candy money to buy something small. Sounds of conversation and laughter filled the room. Despite the hot August afternoon, a lot of the children were outside playing, although the adults stayed in where it was cooler.

  Rebecca glanced out the rear bay window and saw David in the center of the activity. For once, he wasn't standing on the outside watching. She breathed a sigh of relief. At least that was going right. Now if only Austin would show up. For the hundredth time in twenty minutes, she checked the door to the family room. Nothing. Then she heard a commotion toward the front of the house. She hurried out, telling herself she was foolish to hope.

  As she rounded the corner into the hallway, she saw Kyle setting a large cake
on a table by the front door. "Beware handsome men carrying gifts," he said when he saw her.

  "Thanks for getting the cake," she said, trying to keep the disappointment from her voice.

  Even so, Kyle must have heard something. He walked over to her and put his arm around her. Brown eyes, as dark as midnight, met her own. He squeezed her hard against him. "You're disappointed because I'm not wearing shorts." He motioned to his jeans. "I know it's difficult for you. You probably spent most of last night dreaming about seeing my legs this afternoon. But in your condition—" he patted her stomach "—I thought the excitement would be too much. I didn't want to be responsible for you fainting away at my feet."

  She swatted his arm and stepped out of his embrace.

  "You have some nerve."

  He winked. "Ain't it terrific? Makes you realize you married the wrong man, huh?"

  She planted her hands on her hips. "If you ever thought any woman really cared about you, you'd run in the opposite direction."

  Kyle's grin faded, leaving him looking devastatingly handsome and just a little lost. "Maybe not."

  Rebecca refused to be sucked into a conversation with him. "You always say that when you're between women. Then when you get involved with someone, you can't wait to dump her before she dumps you. What is it about you Haynes men, anyway?"

  For a second she thought he might answer her seriously.

  But that went against Kyle's sense of fun. He bent down and grabbed her around the waist, then raised her in the air and twirled around. "Because us Haynes boys are too good-looking. No one can stand it. That's why you had to marry that sorry dog Austin, instead of me."

  "Put me down, you savage."

  He lowered her to the floor. "Can you handle the cake? I've got a present for David."

  "Sure." She picked up the cake and carried it to the family room. When she set it on the table, she saw David had come inside. "How are you doing?" she asked him, then straightened his party hat. "Having fun?"

  He nodded, but didn't smile. She knew he was missing his family, but he was being a good sport. She gave him a quick hug. "Kyle is here. He's bringing you a present."