"Is Austin home yet?"
"No, honey. He hadn't arrived when I checked an hour ago. He might have had to take a later flight," she said, then told herself it was stupid to lie for Austin. He wouldn't care that she was trying to make him look better to the boy, and it wasn't like her not to tell the truth. Austin would have left a message if he'd taken a later flight. He always told her where he was going to be. No, he was probably already home. He could come to the party if he wanted to.
"Where's the birthday boy?" Kyle asked as he came into the family room. He was holding an impossibly large present. Someone left this for him my m car." He glanced around. "Rebecca, do you see David?"
David smiled. "I'm right here," he said, crossing to stand directly in front of Kyle.
"Where?" Kyle looked on both sides of him, over his head, then turned and looked behind him. "David? Where is that little guy?"
David giggled. "Kyle, I'm right in front of you."
Kyle looked down. "Oh, there you are. You know you shouldn't hide on your birthday. People might think you didn't want presents." He lowered himself to his knees and placed the huge box on the floor. "Happy birthday, David. This is from me and Jordan."
"Wow!" David plopped down next to him and tore at the wrapping paper. "Thanks. What is it?" He pulled off the large sheet covering the top and stared at the picture of an elaborate train set. "Oh, Kyle! This is so great. Rebecca, look. It's a train!"
She bent down and studied the picture. "It's wonderful." She glanced at Kyle. "It's going to take a lot of work to put it together."
Kyle grinned, "I'm off for the rest of the day. I have tools and stuff in my car. I thought we could work on it tonight after everyone is gone."
"You sound as excited as David."
He shrugged, "Hey, birthdays are for everyone. Glad you like it, David."
The boy gave him a wide grin. "Thanks." The front door opened and closed. He looked up expectantly. One of the men from the town council came into the room. David looked down at the box and bit his lip. Rebecca's heart went out to him. He was waiting for Austin. She said a quick prayer that he wouldn't have to wait very long.
* * *
Chapter 14
« ^ »
By the time all the presents had been opened and the cake carved, David had given up trying to pretend. Rebecca watched him standing on the edge of a game, observing but not joining in. Several of the children invited him, but he stood stubbornly alone, waiting for the one person who wouldn't come.
He'd asked her once about his uncle. When she'd said she hadn't heard from him, he didn't seem too surprised. Austin was another matter. Over the past couple of months, Austin had become important to the boy. Rebecca fought her anger, knowing it would accomplish nothing. Her husband was acting true to form. She shouldn't be surprised, but she was. She'd hoped he would change.
A loud truck engine broke through her musings. She turned toward the sound. The children stopped their game to watch the large vehicle make its way across the dirt road. Her stomach clenched tightly. She had a bad feeling she knew what this was about.
Two men got out of the cab. "We're looking for a little boy named David," one of them said.
David stepped forward. "I'm David."
The taller of the two jean-clad men grinned. "Happy birthday, son. Someone sent you ponies to ride."
A cheer went up from the children and they all rushed toward the truck. David stood rooted in place. Rebecca walked over to his and put her hand on his shoulder.
"Here." The man thrust out a card. "Let me get 'em unloaded and you can have the first ride."
David turned the card over and over in his small hands. She squeezed him and fought her tears. When he opened the card and read the message, she already knew who had sent the gift.
"They're from Austin," he said, confirming her guess. "He says he's sorry he had to miss the party."
The men led eight ponies from the back of the truck and lined them up. "You ready David? We've got a special pony for you," the taller man said.
Rebecca felt his body stiffen. "I don't want to ride any dumb pony," he said, and threw down the card. He turned and ran toward the house. She took a step toward him, then stopped. He needed some time alone. She would give him a few minutes, then see how he was doing.
"Is there a problem, ma'am?" the man asked.
She shook her head. "He's thrilled about the ponies. It's just he thought someone important to him was going to come to the party and he didn't. Go ahead and start with the other children."
She watched the first kids being placed on the back of the docile animals. Oh, Austin, she thought. You really blew it this time.
She looked back at the house, then at the woods separating this property from the barn. Quickly making up her mind, she called out to Mary that she would be gone for a few minutes, then she headed through the trees toward the loft.
As she passed the garage, she glanced inside. Austin's Mercedes and truck were parked next to the new wagon. He was home. She cursed him under her breath, then felt embarrassed by her own use of swear words. That man was a bad influence on all of them, she thought, making her way to the barn and opening the front door.
"Austin Lucas, what do you think you're doing?" she called as she marched up the stairs.
"Rebecca?"
When she reached the second floor, she could see him standing by the bed unpacking. He turned to face her. "What's wrong?"
She laughed harshly and planted her hands on her hips.
"You're asking me what's wrong? Typical. You create a problem, then you don't want to deal with it."
He put the jeans he was holding on the bed, then shoved his hands into his pockets. "What are you talking about?"
"David."
He frowned. "Look, I'm tired. There was a thunderstorm last night. I didn't get any sleep. I had to get up early to catch my flight and I just got in. I thought about what happened before and I sent him a present. It should be arriving at any time."
"It's already here."
"So what's the problem? Are you telling me David doesn't want to ride a pony on his birthday?"
"Yes. That's exactly what I'm telling you." She shook her head. "Why can't you see what's right in front of you? It's not the gift. He's got plenty of presents. This is his first birthday without his family. He's lonely and scared about the future. You're the one person who's gotten through to him. He doesn't care about any ponies. He wants to see you. He wants to hear you wish him happy birthday and give him a hug. He wants to know you care. "
Austin turned back to the bed and dumped the remaining contents out of his suitcase. "What makes you think I care?" he asked, zipping up the sides.
"You make me want to scream," she said, holding her arms out in front of her. "Why are you so stubborn? What is so terrible about admitting to having any gentle feelings? It won't hurt, I promise. He's just a small boy. He needs you."
"I'm tired," he said coldly, and walked to the closet concealed in the wall.
She stepped closer to the bed. "Damn you, Austin, don't you dare turn away from me. Who did it? Who beat it out of you? Who made you think you had to be hard to survive? Why isn't it okay to care? Why isn't it okay to love someone?"
He slammed the door shut and glared at her. "Love is a myth, just a line men use to trap women into sex and women use to trap men into marriage. It doesn't mean a damn thing. It never has."
There was a darkness in his gray eyes, a determination she hadn't seen before. It was as if he'd found a way to shut the door in her face, and he was never going to open it again.
He didn't believe anymore – if he ever had. Not in David's feelings for him, or hers. Her promise of love had meant nothing to him.
"Then that's it," she said. "You're not going to come see him."
"No."
They stood staring at each other, poised like characters in a play. She prayed for a sign that she hadn't made the worst mistake of her life. God chose not to oblige
.
An iciness settled over her, freezing her blood and opening a crevice in her soul. It didn't matter what she'd said or how she'd tried to convince him of her feelings and her commitment. He didn't care. He didn't believe. He was and always had been a stranger. She'd created a facade and put it over the real man. It had all been make-believe.
Without saying another word she walked away, down the stairs and out into the bright August afternoon. The heat of the sun should have warmed her, but she didn't feel anything except cold.
What had she done? What was she going to do? A part of her said to keep trying, but her heart whispered it had always been too late.
* * *
It was dusk when Austin made his way over to the house.
He hadn't seen Rebecca since she'd stormed out of the barn. He couldn't blame her. He'd been a real jerk. The funny part was he'd done it on purpose.
When he came out of the grove of trees, he looked around. The children had long since gone inside. He looked down at the shoebox-size package in his hand. This was his present. If David still wanted it.
He stared at the big house knowing he didn't have the courage to walk up there and knock on the door. He couldn't face Rebecca right now. Not knowing what she thought of him.
He started to turn back when a flash of color caught his eye. He stepped to the left and saw David sitting alone under a tree in the backyard. His red shorts and red-and-white shirt looked much the worse for wear. Stains covered the fabric, grass, punch and something that looked like chocolate cake.
So the kid had had a great birthday, he told himself. David probably hadn't even noticed he hadn't shown up.
Yeah, right, he thought, wondering when he'd stooped low enough to start lying to himself.
He walked around the house to the backyard. David was staring at the ground. The slump of his shoulders hit Austin in the gut. He'd stayed away out of fear. Because he wasn't man enough to face a little boy. He deserved to be shot.
"Happy birthday," he said quietly.
David snapped his head up. His blue eyes widened, then he scrambled to his feet and raced across the lawn. "Austin!" he yelled, holding out his arms.
Austin dropped the package, bent down to gather the boy close to him, then pulled him up to his chest. "Hey, sport, how's it going?"
David wrapped his thin legs around Austin's waist and buried his head in his shoulder. "You came. You really came."
"It's your birthday, isn't it? I wouldn't want to miss that for anything."
The boy clung tighter, hanging on as if he never wanted to let go. Austin absorbed the slight weight, wondering why he'd worried it would be a burden. Then David raised his head and looked at him. "I was scared you'd be too busy." His lower lip trembled. "My uncle Bob couldn't come. I didn't miss him like I missed you." He sniffed. "And my parents. I tried really hard not to miss them. But kept 'membering." He choked on a sob. "I want my mommy and daddy."
Tears poured down his face. Austin wrapped his arms around the boy and held him closer. With one hand, he stroked his back, then his head. "It's okay to cry, David," he said, his own voice a little froggy. "I understand."
Hell, who better? He knew exactly what it was like to be left alone on birthdays and other holidays. His mother had done it to him countless times. Once he'd gathered his courage together and the next time he'd seen her after his birthday, he'd asked her if she'd remembered he'd turned nine. She'd looked back at him and snapped, "No. And I didn't get you a damn present, either, so shut up about it."
That was twenty-six years ago and the words still had the power to hurt him.
The child's sobs tore at his heart, reminding him of all the times he hadn't let himself cry. Crying was weak. It let his mother know she'd won. Silence had been his only victory.
Still holding David, he crouched down and picked up the present, then made his way over to the tree where the boy had been sitting. Austin lowered himself to the ground and arranged David on his lap. The sobs had lessened, but not let up completely. Austin continued to hold him, murmuring occasional words of comfort, wishing he knew what else to do.
Rebecca wanted to adopt this boy and bring him into their family. He was probably better off in the home. At least there he was around adults who knew what they were doing. They weren't as broken and flawed inside. They wouldn't thoughtlessly wound him.
Austin leaned his head against the tree and studied the sky. Could he learn to be a father? Did he want to? Was his desire to have Rebecca walk away and take the baby with her just a way for him to cover his feelings of inadequacy?
He shook his head. He was right not to get involved. Look at how he'd hurt David today. This was just one event in a child's life. There were thousands, and he had the potential to screw up every single one of them. He couldn't risk it. It wasn't fair to any kid.
David's sobs faded to sniffles. "Austin, are you mad at me?"
"No, why?"
"'Cause you didn't come to my party before. Did I mess up the airplane bad?"
"No. You did a wonderful job. I'm proud of you."
David sighed and leaned against him. "So you're not mad?"
Austin swallowed hard. Even though Rebecca had told him what David was feeling, he hadn't wanted to believe her. Now he knew the truth. He could walk away from this boy, leaving him with the same type of wounds his mother had inflicted on him, or he could speak the words and start the healing. The former was all he knew how to do. The latter left him open to pain.
But David was only a little boy.
"I was never mad," Austin said slowly, staring out into the night. "Sometimes I don't want to know that people care about me. It's hard for me to let people like me. When they do it makes me uncomfortable."
"'Cause you don't like 'em back," David said, his voice very small.
"No!" Austin looked down and cupped the boy's chin in one of his hands. "No. Because I do like you back. It scares me."
It sounded too dumb for words, yet of anyone, David would understand. "I'm always afraid if I care about people too much, they'll go away."
David nodded. "Like my mom and dad."
"Yes. But if you don't care, no one ever loves you. You don't get to love anyone back. You spend your life alone. It's safe, but it's not right."
"You're not alone, Austin," David said with the confidence of youth. "You've got Rebecca."
He wasn't so sure anymore. But that wasn't for the boy to worry about. "I'm sorry I missed your party. I didn't mean to hurt you."
David smiled up at him. "I understand. I'm glad you came now." He thought for a minute. "Oh, thanks for the ponies."
Austin remembered the package he'd brought over with him. He reached around the tree and held it out. "This is for you. Happy birthday."
David grinned and tore at the wrappings. When he raised the lid on the box, he stared at the rows of wood-working tools. "Golly, look at this."
"They're scaled down so they'll be easier to work with," Austin said, absorbing the boy's wide smile and the light in his eyes. "You'll have to be careful, though, and only use them with supervision. We never did finish that birdhouse. I thought you might want to bring them over tomorrow and we'll get to work."
David reached up and flung his arms around Austin's neck. He squeezed hard. "I love you," he whispered. "I knew you'd remember me. I knew you wouldn't forget."
"I'll never forget," Austin promised.
"When I'm gone, will you write me?"
Austin pulled him back and stared at him. "What are you talking about?"
David shrugged and stared at his new tools. "I was in the hallway the other night and I heard Mary tellin' someone that my family is going to send me to a boarding school. I don't know where." He looked up hopefully. "Will you write?"
"Yes," Austin promised. He touched the boy's face, his hair, then finally pulled him against his chest and held on. "I'll write."
David chattered about his party and all the presents he'd received. His voice got slower a
nd slower, until he fell asleep. Austin continued to hold him, to listen to his soft breathing. It was happening again. The family would send David to a school and forget about him. They would abandon him until it came time to move him somewhere else. He would never be wanted, never have a home, never know what it was like to be loved.
It was already starting. David had so easily resigned himself to his fate. Austin raised his gaze to the heavens and silently screamed at a world that would allow this tragedy to occur again.
* * *
It was close to midnight when he made his way back to the barn. He'd delivered David to bed, then spent an hour with Kyle setting up the train set. If the other man had noticed his lack of conversation, he had never let on.
Austin climbed the stairs quietly, thinking Rebecca might be asleep. When he reached the loft, he saw her sitting in the living room. A lamp shone from the corner, but other than that it was dark.
"You were gone when I got back," she said.
"I went to see David." He sat across from her in the wing chair. She was curled up in a corner of the sofa. The large cushions looked as if the could swallow her whole. "We talked about my missing his party. I guess we made up."
"I'm glad."
He leaned forward and rested his elbows on his knees, lacing his fingers together. "He said that his family wants to send him to a boarding school."
"I know."
"Is that why you want to adopt him?"
"I wanted us to adopt him," she said, "because I thought we could give him a warm and loving home. I knew about their plans. Given the choice between being shuffled between unwilling relatives and the stable environment of a boarding school, the school comes out ahead in my book."
"I agree."
"Fine. We're in accord about something."
He hated the bitterness in her voice. "I'm sorry, Rebecca."
She pulled her knees closer to her chest. "Are you? About what?"
"About everything."
"That's nice and general. It's clean, tidy, covers everything without your having to admit to any wrong. I'm impressed."
"Don't be sarcastic," he said, staring at her.
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