"Why? I'm trying to speak to you on your level. I thought you'd appreciate it."
"Don't be like me."
"Be careful, Austin," she said, tossing her head. Her hair settled around her shoulders. "Someone might make the mistake of believing you actually cared. You wouldn't want that to happen. It would be a calamity. The earth might have to open up and swallow us whole."
He rose to his feet. "Stop it."
"Why? Aren't I being the perfect, loving little wife anymore? Do you miss her? I have news for you, pal. This is what it's like living with you. Nothing matters, not feelings or people. It's all just a game. You hide, then try to destroy anyone who is stupid enough to go looking for you." She sighed and dropped her forehead to her knees. "You win. I'm done playing."
He flinched as if she'd slapped him. "You're leaving." It wasn't a question.
"I don't know." She raised her head and met his gaze. He saw the pain in her beautiful eyes, the hurt and disillusionment he'd put there. "I want to believe it's going to be okay. I want to trust that I can win you over, but I don't know anymore." She shook her head. "I assumed loving you was enough, but it isn't, is it?"
"No," he said hoarsely.
"I thought as much. You have to love me back. You're not going to."
He didn't say anything. He couldn't. Love her back. Oh, God, and then what? Trust her? Trust that it was going to last? Trust that she could know the darkest, ugliest part of him and still be there every day? No, it wasn't possible.
He walked over to the window and stared out into the darkness.
"What do you see there?" she asked. "What do you stare at? The past? Do you relive those lonely times over and over again? Do you ever see me? Hear my voice? Do you ever tell yourself to believe?"
"I try," he whispered, fighting the emptiness clawing at him.
"But you don't yet."
"No."
He heard her sigh. The reflection from the lamp allowed him to watch her stand up and walk close to him. When she was directly behind him, he felt her hands on his back.
"I had this dream of a fairy-tale wedding," she said. "I wanted to wear a beautiful white dress and be surrounded by all my friends and family. I wanted to be in a church filled with roses and sunlight, and ringing with the sounds of laughter and happiness. I wanted to marry my prince there, ride off on a white horse and live happily ever after."
His chest tightened, making it hard to breathe. "Then Wayne died and you lost your dream."
"Wayne? No, Austin. You were the prince in that dream of mine." She leaned against his back and wrapped her arms around his waist. He stiffened at the contact, but she didn't pull away. "It was always you. From the very beginning. Despite everything, I love you. I'll always love you. Even knowing the secret you try to hide."
"No." He turned quickly and grabbed her wrists, setting her away from him. "You don't know anything." Her gaze held his. Love and light radiated from her face, hurting his eyes, but he couldn't look away.
"You're wrong," she said. "I figured it out. I thought it was about the way you watched me with the children. I thought you needed me to touch you and hold you, but that was only a symptom. The problem isn't that you're not worth the trouble. The problem is you believe you're not worth loving. But you are. You're kind and gentle. Generous. You treat me like I'm the most precious thing you've seen. You hold me in the darkness, you fight for me, you believe in me and what I want. The only part of me you won't accept is the part that loves you. Watch out, Austin. That's all of me. Every cell of my being is filled with love for you. You can't yell it out of me. You can't make me stop loving you."
She pulled her wrists free of his grasp and touched his face. He jerked back as if burned. She smiled sadly. "Be careful, though. You can't make me not love you, but you can drive me away."
With that she turned and headed for the stairs. He watched her go, wanting to call her back, but unable to form the words. He felt as if his world had shifted on its axis. Nothing was as he'd thought it should be.
Rebecca knew. Somehow she'd figured out the truth. That he wasn't worth loving. That he had a flaw so horrible even his own mother had recoiled from him. And yet Rebecca claimed to love him. It wasn't possible. He wouldn't let it be. He couldn't.
If he believed she loved him now, he would have to admit how much he needed that love. He would have to stare into the face of his empty life and know the suffering he'd endured. Better to turn his back on it all. Better to be alone than to risk it all.
He watched from the window, but she didn't appear. At least she hadn't gone for one of the cars. He closed his eyes and steadied his breathing. The silence surrounded him, pressing against his body. It deafened him.
There was a time when he'd enjoyed the silence. That was before his life had been filled with the sounds of Rebecca.
Now the quiet tormented him. He would get used to it again, he told himself. He would have to if he was to survive without her.
Outside the circle. Alone. He'd been happy there. Outside the circle, where David now stood. But the boy wasn't happy. He hadn't learned how to pretend it didn't matter that he didn't fit in. How to pretend he wasn't in agony with every breath, knowing he would live out his days in mind destroying silence.
"Rebecca," he whispered. Oh, God, what if it was too late?
He raced across the room and tore down the stairs. When he reached the foyer, he ripped open the door and stared out into the night, searching for her. "Rebecca," he called.
"Austin? I'm right here." She sat on the steps, looking up at him. "What's wrong?"
"I thought you were gone." He was panting, barely able to get the words out.
"I was going to take a walk, but I'm too tired."
He leaned down and brought her to her feet. Tightly holding both of her hands, he said, "Don't leave me."
She sighed. "I was being melodramatic. I'm sorry. I won't leave you, despite your lack of belief in us. I love you, Austin I'm going to keep saying it until you believe me."
He released her hands and cupped her face. He'd been given another chance. A last chance. It wasn't too late. "You are so beautiful," he whispered. "I love you, Rebecca Lucas. I love you with my heart and soul, such as they are. Don't leave me. Please. I would never survive the silence."
"Austin?"
He bent down and kissed her. Softly, tenderly, his lips pressing against hers. She trembled in his embrace.
"Austin, you're not kidding, are you?"
He smiled. "No. I've been frightened of caring, but I'm more frightened of losing you forever. Of not seeing our child. I don't know what kind of husband and father I'm going to be, but I'll do my best."
"You're a damn fine husband," she said, holding him close. "The best."
"Rebecca?" He kissed the top of her head, then her nose. "You're far too innocent to swear."
"I was trying to relate to you on your level." In the moonlight, he saw her smile.
"I love you," he said again.
Her smile broadened. "I'll never get tired of hearing those words. The way you've fought me on this, you'd think I was asking for blood. It's not so hard, is it?"
"No," he answered, lowering his mouth to hers. Now that he believed, loving her, being loved by her, was going to be the easiest thing he'd ever done.
* * *
Epilogue
« ^
The church was filled with white roses and sunlight. The sounds of laughter and happiness stretched up to the arched ceiling of the old building. Rebecca stood at the altar, with her husband at her side. Her two sisters, her parents and Elizabeth stood on her left. Travis and his brothers stood on Austin's right. In front of them, the minister cradled their newborn son.
As the Reverend Johnson touched the holy water to the baby's forehead and proclaimed him to be christened Austin Jason Lucas – Austin after his father, Jason after his mother's father – Rebecca had to fight back her tears. She sniffed softly. Austin reached for her hand and squeezed it.
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She smiled at him and wondered what she'd done to deserve such happiness.
Everything was working out wonderfully, she thought as her eyes grew misty. The new home had been built for the children. She and Austin had remodeled his big house and were moving in this weekend. Their son had been born healthy and perfect, with his father's gray eyes and his mother's smile. The reverend handed her back her son, then bowed his head for the final blessing.
The audience of well-wishers crowded around them.
Austin accepted the attention easily. In the past few months he'd grown more comfortable with the people in town, more willing to be a part of the community.
"That was wonderful, dear," her mother said, giving Rebecca a hug. "Little Jason was perfect. Weren't you, sweetie?" She touched the baby's cheek.
Elizabeth congratulated her next. Julia observed the celebration solemnly from her mother's arms. "At least they're close enough in age to play together," Elizabeth said.
"Just eight months apart." Rebecca smiled. Maybe they'll grow up and get married. "
Travis came through the crowd to find his wife. "Matchmaking already? Don't you think they're a little young?"
"No," the two women said together, then laughed.
Rebecca looked around for Austin, but he was lost in the crowd. She raised herself on tiptoe trying to see him. Kyle came up to her.
"I just wanted to say congratulations," he said. "I can't come to the house for lunch."
"Why?" Rebecca asked, narrowing her gaze. Kyle had the oddest expression on his face.
"I have to help a friend move."
"Friend? Why do I know this friend is a female."
Instead of teasing her about his prowess with women, Kyle simply looked uncomfortable. "It's not like that," he said. "Sandy is a friend of the family. All my brothers know her. I thought she'd left Glenwood for good, but she's moving back. I just want to help."
There was an earnestness about him she'd never seen before. "She sounds like a special lady."
Kyle bent down and kissed her cheek. "Yeah, she is. Or at least she used to be. I haven't seen her since I was sixteen. Take care of little Jason here and yourself. I'm glad you're happy."
She smiled at him. "You be happy, too."
"I will." But his dark eyes were tinged with sadness, the way Travis's had been before he'd had the good sense to fall in love with Elizabeth. What was it about these Haynes men?
Rebecca watched Kyle leave, then turned to search for her husband again. She saw him on the outside of the crowd. He didn't notice her. He was looking around at all the people. She waited, knowing he wouldn't stay outside the circle. In the past few months, he'd allowed himself to love and be loved by her. He'd become the warm, tender man she'd always dreamed of. He'd changed.
Austin stared into the crowd, then ducked low. When he straightened, he had David in his arms. He stepped into the throng and began working his way toward her. She met his gaze and smiled, then focused on the eight-year-old boy who was talking animatedly. The adoption had been finalized earlier that week. She glanced at the baby in her arms and knew they really were a family.
Austin stepped around a young couple, then moved next to her. She held out her free arm and embraced him.
"I love you," he said quietly.
"For how long?" she teased, glancing up at him. His gray eyes held her own. "Just for today?"
"For always," he promised. "You and David and Jason. Forever. "
He lowered his mouth to hers and kissed her. She clung to him, savoring the sweetness, trusting in the future. Austin had stepped inside the circle of their love to stay.
* * * *
Marriage On Demand Page 22
