The Divine Heart

by Danielle R. Mani

  “It’s okay. I don’t bite,” he says with a smile. I think about his wife standing right outside the door. Besides, what could such a sick old man do? I rationalize. I move closer to him. He reaches for my arm and pinches it, hard.

  “Ouch!” I yell.

  “I said I didn’t bite. I never said anything about pinching!” He lets out a loud, deep laugh. It sounds like he hasn’t laughed in years. He immediately starts choking and coughing.

  “Are you okay?” I say, rubbing my sore arm.

  “Oh, I’m fine. Thank you for not being mad,” he says with a smile.

  “I didn’t say that. Why did you pinch me?” I say, pointing to the red mark he left on my arm.

  “I had to see if you were like the rest of ’em.”

  “The rest of them?” I repeat. “I’m sorry. I’m don’t know what you’re talking about.”

  “Ever since my surgery, I’ve been seeing them. So I pinched you to make sure you were not like them, you know – dead!”

  “Dead? So you mean you’ve been seeing people who are not alive?”

  “That’s right, Miss. So tell me.” He clears his throat. “If you’re not one of them. Then what are you doing in my room?”

  “I have an appointment over at the clinic. I was just walking the halls while I waited and I met your wife. She asked me to come speak with you. She thought it might be a good idea if I told you about my experience.”

  “My wife really is something.” Roy licks his lips and smiles to himself.“Especially for a woman who’s been dead for almost fifteen years.” He turns to look at me.

  “What?” I whisper.

  “Sweetheart, my wife passed. I never thought I would see her again. Well, that’s not entirely true. I expected that I would see her after I left this world. To be honest, I had no desire to live after I lost Elizabeth. But after almost dying a couple of weeks ago during my surgery, I’ve been able to see her and talk to her again. Not for long periods of time, just enough so that I know she’s okay.” I can feel my insides beginning to churn. I look around and locate the small bathroom in the corner of the room. I feel like I’m going to be sick.

  “Elizabeth isn’t the only one I’ve been seeing, either. There have been others. I used to feel alone after Elizabeth died but now I don’t feel alone anymore. To be honest, I’d rather be with the ghosts. At least they don’t make me feel CRAZY,” he yells. “Like everyone else in this godforsaken place makes me feel.”

  “Mr. Johnson, just to be clear, did your wife have short wavy hair and a beauty mark on her right cheek?”

  “That’s her alright.”

  I feel my legs buckle. Roy, suddenly able, sits up straight. “Honey, have a seat. Don’t faint on me. I need to have you around. Folks around here seem to think I’m nuts, so I could really use another witness in case they try to put me away in the funny farm.”

  “How could I see your wife?” I pull over a chair and sit on the edge. Normally, I would have run out of his room so fast I would have left skid marks, but now things were completely different. I know he could be telling the truth.

  “Maybe you died on that operating table, the way I did. You see the way it was explained to me is that when I died, I crossed over.” He taps his fingers to his forehead like he’s having trouble remembering. “Or was it my spirit crossed over? Anyway, I came back. But I still have one foot, so to speak, in the spirit world.” He looks at me and winks. That’s how I’m able to see them. I’m guessing that’s how you can too.”

  “But I know I didn’t die.” I squeeze the arm of the chair. My hands are wringing with sweat.

  “Well, the person whose heart is beating inside your chest certainly had to die. So I guess that’s your connection to the spirit world.”

  I was surprised at how lucid his explanation seemed to be. I understood now why Cas wanted me to meet Mr. Johnson. It was her who led me to him, I’m sure.

  “Mr. Johnson, I haven’t been able to see the girl whose heart I have, I can only hear her thoughts.

  “According to this,” he points to a book on the nightstand beside his bed, “it usually takes a spirit a while to become an ‘intelligent ghost’ –that’s what they call it.

  Since Cas was gifted, I wonder for a moment how long it would take for her to learn how to come through to me. I wish it would be soon so I could know what she wants. If only I could have a few minutes to speak with her. “Mr. Johnson, how do you know all these things?”

  “I learned a lot from that book,” he says, waving the book in front of me. “Reading has been the only thing that’s kept me going.” He cups his hand to his face like he’s telling a secret “All the nurses around here think I’m…” He twirls his index finger on the outside of his temple.

  “I know you’re not crazy, Mr. Johnson, and there must be at least one other person working here who believes you. I mean, they got you that book to read, didn’t they?”

  “I think Doctor Carmichael is the only person in this entire hospital who doesn’t think I’m nuts. Either that or he’s just plain humoring me.”

  “Dr. Carmichael?” I repeat. “You mean he is the person who gave you that book?” Roy nods.

  ***

  I get out of the car and wave as Kate pulls out of the driveway. I take a deep breath as I approach the stairs. I knock on the door using the brass doorknocker that still gives me the creeps. The chimes that once relaxed me now make me cringe.

  “Hello, Elle.” Jocelyn greets me warmly. She takes me by the hand and prances through the house, her purple parachute pants rustling as she walks. She holds open the basement door and waits for me to pass. I hold the rail tightly as I descend the stairs and Jocelyn follows behind. I’m relieved when I touch the bottom stair and smell the familiar scent of lavender.

  Jocelyn turns to face me, a sympathetic glint in her eye. “I can’t tell you how happy I am to hear that you’re feeling well.” She takes both my hands in hers and gives them a hard squeeze. I hope she can’t read the look of doubt on my face. “You haven’t had any more strange occurrences, have you?” She brushes a strain of red hair away from her eye and I notice how intently she’s staring at me. I feel like she’s trying to read my thoughts, but I sense a frustration coming from her. Maybe she can’t get a read on me.

  “No, nothing strange,” I lie. “I’ve been looking forward to our session.”

  “I think relaxation is exactly what you need. Come on into the studio. Would you like a glass of lemon water before we begin?” She points to the large pitcher of water placed next to the gurgling fountain.

  “No, thank you.” If I start to drink lemon water now, I’ll really spend all my time in the bathroom.

  I follow her into the studio, where the lights are dim. She takes a seat on her mat, and I take the mat next to her. Without saying a word, she closes her eyes and begins to breathe deeply. She arches her back and spreads her arms out across her chest.

  “We want to open our hearts.”

  I peek through my lashes and see that she is looking at me as I pretend to be deep in mediation mode. “We open our heart chakra, taking in a long, deep breath through our nose.”

  Our exercises continue for the next fifteen minutes, until I hear a gentle buzz; it’s the doorbell. A light flashes in the corner of the studio. Scott had set up a security system so Jocelyn could see her clients, or anyone else, at the door.

  Jocelyn looks into the camera and tilts her head, like a dog trying to understand his master. “It looks like we have some company. I’m not sure who it is. I don’t have to answer it, though.”

  “No.” I’m alarmed by the urgency in my own voice. “You should answer it. I don’t want you to lose any prospective clients on account of me.”

  “It’s just that I haven’t made any appointments with anyone.” I hear a hint of confusion in her voice.

  “Still. You should see who it is anyway. I’ll just continue. I know the routine.” I smile and continue. The bell rings and the light fla
shes again.

  “Okay, I’ll be right back.” She sighs. I hear her pants swish all the way up the stairs. I’m glad she chose to wear those pants today instead of her leotard, which lets her slink around like a cat. When I’m sure she’s gone, I stand and watch the camera. It’s Rob – I knew he wouldn’t let me down. He’s pacing the porch stairs. I watch as Jocelyn opens the door. Rob smiles and begins to speak. I wish I could hear what they’re saying.

  I can’t believe Rob suggested this. My original plan didn’t involve him at all. I was going to excuse myself from our session the same way I’d done before, and look around the house while pretending to use the bathroom. But Rob thought it would be safer if he acted as a distraction, so Jocelyn wouldn’t come looking for me.

  Jocelyn extends her arm to Rob and ushers him into the house. We’ve crossed the first hurdle! I wish there were cameras throughout the entire house so I can see what they’re doing. Actually, that would be a very bad idea, considering I’m about to case the place. I tilt my head toward the door and listen. When I hear their voices getting closer, I run back over to the mat.

  I strain to hear them on the stairs. Rob is explaining how badly he needs yoga as a distraction from the stresses of life. He is good. He used to joke that his aunt wanted him to take acting classes; hearing him in action, I’m thinking it wouldn’t be such a bad idea.

  “Like I told you before, I’m in the studio with a client. You’ll just have to wait here until we’re through. Then we can discuss what exercise plan would be best suited for you.” I can hear them more clearly now they’re standing in the waiting area. I walk over to them.

  “Elle, this is Rob. He is interested in taking some sessions with me. Apparently, he was referred to me by a friend who works at the hospital.” Jocelyn speaks with an apprehensive lilt to her voice. Maybe her psychic radar is going off. “Who did you say your friend was?” Jocelyn asks like a detective in an interrogation.

  “My friend Dave, he’s an orderly there.” Rob is so cool and confident – I would swear he’s done something like this before. I think I once told Rob about Dave – after all the time I’ve spent in that hospital, I know the entire staff. I’m surprised Rob remembers, though, but Dave is the perfect alibi. He is a really nice guy who talks to everyone, but he also likes to drink. He keeps a flask and deck of cards in his shirt pocket at all times. He used to play a few hands with me whenever he came by my room. Even if he had met Rob, he would never remember.

  “Jocelyn, you should thank Scott, I guess he really has told everyone at the hospital about you.” I dart my eyes toward Rob. “Actually, I need to use the restroom. You guys can go over some things. I have no problem waiting.”

  “Elle, the restroom down here is working fine, now. There’s no need to go upstairs.” I can sense the tension in her voice.

  “I have to use the restroom, too,” Rob quickly blurts. I stick out my neck and give him a hard stare.

  Jocelyn sighs. “Elle, why don’t you go upstairs, since you know where it is? I’ll show Rob to the bathroom down here.”

  “I’ll be back.” I dart up the stairs, knowing this time I have to move a lot faster. I walk straight into the second door on the right, where I found the bear. I wonder if Jocelyn has even noticed it’s gone.

  My stomach is in knots as I look around, not sure what I’m looking for. I open the top two bureau drawers and peek inside. Except for a few tee-shirts they are mostly empty. I pull open the middle drawer and see a pink baby blanket neatly folded. I step over to the closet and pull open the doors. I let out an audible gasp when I see what’s inside – heart monitors, IV poles, wires, and shelves stacked with prescription drugs. I touch my hand to my chest, remembering the scar from the other night. I suddenly feel a nudge.

  “There.” Her voice is not just a sound in my head – I can feel her presence, even the dampness of her breath. I’m compelled to look at the floor, where a small box sticks out from beneath a stack of medical supplies. I take a moment to look at my watch. I’ve only been gone two minutes, I’ve allocated myself six.

  The box is about the size of a child’s shoebox. It’s white with small purple flowers, and the top is hinged with ribbon. It obviously has no place in this closet filled with medical equipment. I look around again before opening it – the coast is still clear. There are small pieces of paper inside, folded neatly. I shuffle through and see a card with a rabbit painted on the front. I wonder for a second what Rob is doing to keep Jocelyn entertained. I pull open a note that looks like a bad attempt at origami.

  Dear Lily, We hope you have a wonderful birthday. Love, Mommy, Daddy and Cas.

  My heart skips a beat and I feel a little lightheaded. I tuck the letter into my pocket and quickly rummage through the rest of the paper. I spot another card with a birthday cake painted on the front. I open it and see a note written inside:

  Happy Birthday, Lily! All our love, Mommy, Daddy and Cas.

  Tucked inside the card is a photo. I turn it around and let out a shriek. It’s the girls from my visions. The older one I know immediately to be Cas, and the younger girl has to be Lily. Flanked in the middle of the girls is my father, Glenn.

  Chapter Seventeen

  My mind is spinning – I have trouble standing. I reach my hand out behind me and feel for the bed. I take a few steps back and sit down, clutching my hand to my chest. I look at the photo crumpled in my hand. I close my eyes and immediately get a vision of two young girls. They are wearing the same yellow and pink sundresses they have on in the photo. I see Cas is smiling. For the first time, she looks happy. As tears stream down my cheeks, I realize that I’m smiling too. She and Lily are running. My father is chasing them down the boardwalk. It feels so real. I can even smell the ocean water, and hear the squawk of the seagulls. I snap my eyes open. I know I mustn’t get lost in the moment, Cas’s moment. She took me back to that time – back to her memories from that day with my father.

  So many secrets. I stand from the bed and look at my watch. I’ve been gone almost five minutes. I don’t know how much longer Rob can keep Jocelyn entertained.I slip the photo into my back pocket. As I exit the room, I realize I’m trembling. Did my mother know my father had another family? If she didn’t know, how could I tell her?

  I barely make it down the first flight of stairs. I need to take a moment to collect myself. I stand at the top of the basement stairs and wipe my eyes with the back of my hands. I take a deep breath and pray as I step down to the studio.

  “Look who’s back!” Rob says with a relieved look plastered to his face.

  “Is everything okay?” Jocelyn asks. I suddenly begin to panic. Has my face given something away? I put my hand on my back pocket and feel for the photo. I’m not ready to confront her. It’s too soon.

  “It was nice meeting you, Rob.” Jocelyn places her hand on Rob’s shoulder and nudges him toward the stairs. “I really must continue my session with Elle.” She reaches for a business card that’s placed in a bamboo basket on the table.

  “But I thought you were going to teach me feng shui,” Rob blurts. Despite everything, I can’t help but laugh.

  “Feng shui is the art of furniture arrangement. I’m not an interior decorator, I’m a yoga instructor.”

  I can tell Jocelyn’s patience is wearing thin. She gently nudges Rob up the stairs.

  “I’m sorry. I get all those things mixed up.” Rob looks back at me and smirks. “Well, thank you for your time.” Jocelyn takes a deep breath.

  “My goodness, he’s an incorrigible thing.” She glides back down to the mat.

  I smile and try to hide my uneasiness. My mind is racing. I want to confront Jocelyn and ask her what she’s hiding, but I know now that there’s someone else involved – Lily. I close my eyes and try to summon Cas, all while Jocelyn murmurs soothing chants. The little hairs on my arm raise as I listen to her voice. After a while, just when I think I can’t keep myself composed for another second, Jocelyn wraps up our session and I hear my Mom�
�s car horn.

  “Please, tell your mother to come inside. I can make some tea.” I don’t know how Jocelyn manages to remain so calm. I don’t think it’s the yoga. I’m sure it must be her meds. I grab my bag from the entry table and drape it across my shoulder. “That’s very nice of you, but I really have to go, thank you.” Jocelyn reaches for my shoulder and I take an exaggerated step back.

  “I was just going to pull your hair out from the strap of your bag.”

  “Thank you.” Feeling embarrassed, I pull my hair back away from my shoulders and adjust my bag. I look at Jocelyn, who is staring back with an expression I’ve never seen on her before. Her eyes sharpen and I feel like her glare is penetrating my skin.

  “Make sure you practice your techniques at home, and don’t hesitate to call me with any questions.” Jocelyn opens the door and waves to my mom, who is parked outside with her head perched out the driver’s side window.

  “Hi Jocelyn! Thank you!” she calls.

  Jocelyn waves back and smiles at me before she quickly retreats back into the house.

  “How’d it go?” Mom asks as I slip inside the car.

  “Good,” I lie. I slip my hand inside my back pocket and feel for the photo again, reassuring myself that it’s still there. My mom is juggling a large cup of iced coffee as she makes a wide right turn onto Main Street.

  “Are you sure everything is okay?” She places the coffee cup in the cup holder and pats my thigh.

  “I’m fine,” I say, sounding more annoyed than I intended. I want to rip the photo from my pocket and demand some answers.

  Rob calls shortly after I get home from Jocelyn’s, probably wanting to discuss his Oscar-worthy performance. But I need time to digest what I’ve discovered, so I let the machine pick up, instead. Immediately, my mother begins to suspect that something’s wrong. She asks me a million times what the matter is, but I dodge the question and escape to my room right after dinner. I want to be alone with the photo and my thoughts.

  I place the chair in front of my bedroom door, figuring that, if my mother tries to open it, the chair will give me a few seconds to put the photo away. I’ve never been allowed to have a lock on my door – my mother was always afraid that I would collapse, die, or something, and she wouldn’t be able to open the door in time to save me. It’s just another one of those things that most teens my age take for granted. My privacy, like my heart, is non-existent. I sometimes think about my old heart. I imagine it sitting in a jar of formaldehyde in some creepy lab somewhere.