by Amber Garza
I glanced back at Drake. He beamed up at my mom, his face serene and light. It made me wonder if I’d imagined the whole exchange a minute ago. Was I going crazy?
While Mom sipped on her coffee and Drake nibbled on the cheese from Mom’s fancy snack tray, I slipped into my room to call Isaac. Once inside, I closed the door tightly behind me and reached into my jeans pocket for my phone. Only it wasn’t there. I looked in my other pocket but it was empty too. After scouring my room, panic set in. Oh no. What if I left it at Thatcher’s? I may never get it back. Someone could have found it and reprogrammed it by now. Desperately, I tried to remember if I’d ever installed that tracking app. I kept meaning to, but I wasn’t sure if I ever had.
There was a rapping on the front door. Mom yelled down the hallway, “Kenzie, it’s that boy. The one that’s just a friend.”
I cringed and prayed he hadn’t heard her. Quickly, I emerged from my room and raced down the hallway. I was grateful that the front door was still closed. Of course, our walls were pretty thin so he still might have heard what she said. I opened the door and greeted Tanner warmly. From the happy expression on his face, it seemed he hadn’t heard Mom.
“Thought you might need this.” He held up my phone.
I snatched it from his fingers and squealed. “Thank you!” Without thinking, I threw my arms around his neck. He tensed under my touch, his expression serious. I could hear his heart pounding beneath mine. Swallowing hard, I let my arms drop and stepped away from him.
Tanner glanced inside the family room. “I’m sorry. I didn’t know you had company. Just wanted to drop off your phone. I’ll get going now.”
“Nonsense.” Mom waved him inside. “Come on in. The more the merrier.”
Tanner looked at me. I shrugged.
“Alright.” He stepped inside with a smile on his face. It vanished the instant he saw Drake. I watched as his face paled.
“Tanner.” Drake stood up from the couch. “So good to see you again.”
Tanner set his jaw, took a step back. He reminded me of a dog, ready to attack. I stayed close to his side.
“I hear you’ve made some changes, turned over a new leaf,” Drake said.
“Yeah.” Tanner’s voice came out strained. He still hadn’t moved.
“Even so, I’m sure I’ll be seeing you around.” Drake grinned mischievously.
Tanner’s face reddened, he balled his fists.
“How do you two know each other?” I asked.
Tanner shook his head, but didn’t speak.
“We go way back. Don’t we, Tanner?”
I narrowed my eyes. “What does that mean?”
Drake opened his mouth to answer, but Tanner cut him off. “Nothing. I have to go. I’ll see you later, Kenzie.”
“Yeah.” Confused, I watched him walk out the door. “Thanks for my phone,” I called after him as he fled.
“That was rude,” Mom muttered under her breath.
I glared at Drake. In the entire time I’d been hanging out with Tanner I had never seen him act like that. ‘Rude’ was the last word anyone would use to describe him. Clearly, Drake had done something to upset him.
I intended to find out what it was.
Chapter Fifteen
I stood in front of the bathroom sink, holding my hands under the running water. The soap in the school restrooms smelled like throw-up. I wrinkled my nose as the suds swirled toward the drain, emitting their disgusting aroma.
“I really thought you’d gotten better taste after last year.”
Scarlett’s reflection appeared behind me. Her strawberry blonde hair cascaded down her thin frame. Her green eyes glared at me, her painted ruby lips hardened into a determined line.
“What do you mean?” I pulled a paper towel from the dispenser.
“Tanner. I know you two are together.”
I dried my hands. “No, we’re not.”
“Oh, please. It’s totally obvious.” She came to stand beside me, and turned on the adjacent faucet. “I’m just surprised. You would think after what Caleb did to you, you’d want nothing to do with guys like them.”
Heat crept up my collar bone. “How did you know about that?”
“About Caleb?” She shrugged. “You know how rumors spread.”
I heard a toilet flush behind us. Embarrassment burned through me. I guessed nothing was sacred.
“Well, that has nothing to do with Tanner anyway. He doesn’t hang out with those guys anymore. He’s changed.”
Scarlet snorted, threw her paper towel into the trash. “Yeah, I’ll bet.”
I didn’t need to listen to this anymore. She was just upset because they broke up. I would probably feel the same way if Isaac and I broke up. Picking up my backpack, I turned away from the sink.
“I’m betting he didn’t tell you why we broke up,” Scarlet said.
I pressed my lips together. Scarlet came to stand in front of me. She flashed me an amused smile.
“Yeah, I didn’t think he had, because if he had you would’ve dropped him.” With that she left the bathroom, cackling.
In the mirror I saw Haley emerge from one of the stalls. Oh great. She was the last person in the world I wanted to hear that. My stomach lurched. She rolled her eyes at me and made her way to the sink. I was so not in the mood for another attack, so I hurried from the bathroom without saying a word.
When I got into the hallway, students closed in all around me. I felt claustrophobic from body heat and the smell of sweat and B.O. In my pocket, my phone vibrated. I disengaged from the crowd, stood against a row of lockers and fished out my cell.
Hey Beautiful, how is your day going?
A smile jumped off my lips. The unpleasant experience in the bathroom suddenly seemed like a distant memory.
Better now.
I waited patiently for him to respond.
I have to go to class now. I was just thinking about you.
My heart skipped a beat at the words.
I love you, Isaac.
U 2.
I shoved the phone back in my pocket and then ran to class so I wouldn’t be late.
When I pulled into my driveway after school, I saw Mom’s car parked in front. That morning she told me she had to work until seven. Puzzled, I cut the engine and stepped out of the car. Cold air slapped me in the face. I pulled my jacket tighter around my body as I scurried up to the front door. Loud music blared from the stereo system.
“Mom!” I shouted over the depressing music pouring from the speakers.
“What?” She popped up from the couch where apparently she had been lying down. Although, I’m fairly certain she hadn’t been sleeping with all the noise.
I made my way to the stereo, and turned the volume down.
“I didn’t tell you to do that.” Mom frowned.
“It’s terrible. It sounds like funeral music. Since when did you start listening to that?”
“Since Drake gave me the CD.”
I rolled my eyes. “Of course.”
“What’s that supposed to mean?”
“Nothing.” I decided to change the subject before it started an argument. “What are you doing home? Are you sick?”
“I can be home whenever I want. I don’t need permission from you.” Mom stood up, sticking out her bottom lip like a pouting child. She wore dirty sweats and her hair was pulled back in a messy bun.
“I know that, Mom. It’s just that you were supposed to be at work.”
“Work-Shmirk. I don’t need that place.” She walked toward me a little unsteady on her feet.
“Have you been drinking?”
“No. How dare you question me. I’m your mother.” She narrowed her eyes. “I’m tired of your attitude, missy.”
Startled, I took a step back. “Sorry. I didn’t mean to upset you. I’m just trying to figure out what’s going on.”
“Well, just mind your own business from now on, okay?” Mom pointed her finger at me. “And start treating Drake wi
th respect. I’m tired of you being rude to him.”
“I’m just trying to protect you.”
Her eyes flashed with anger. “I don’t need you protecting her from me!”
Fear laced around my heart. “What did you just say?”
“I just said that I don’t need you to protect me.” She repeated, only more gently and correctly this time.
Could it be she really just messed up her words before? I wanted to believe that but something seemed off.
“Mom, I wish you could see that something is wrong with Drake. Didn’t you see how weird Tanner acted around him?”
“If you ask me, something is wrong with that boy.”
“What does that mean?”
“He thinks he’s perfect. Just like all the other so called Christians. God, I hate religious people.”
I reeled back from her words. “Mom! How can you say that? I’m religious. Grandma’s religious.”
“A bunch of hypocrites, that’s what you are. All of you!” She swatted me away with her hands. “Stop standing there, judging me. Go away.”
My eyes widened as shock filled me. “Mom, what is wrong with you?”
“You’re what’s wrong with me, Kenzie!” She screamed, her head in her hands. “I’m so tired of you. Can’t you see? I’ve spent my entire life caring for you and now you’ve turned into a judgmental, self-righteous, holier-than-thou religious person. It makes me sick.”
Tears stung my eyes, and my lips quivered. I turned down the hallway and fled to my room. After slamming the door, and wiping the tears from my face, I called the only person who could help me.
“Kenzie, what’s wrong?”
At the sound of my grandma’s sweet voice, I burst into tears again. “I-it’s Mom. She yelled at me and called me names. Grandma, I’m worried about her. She’s not acting like herself.”
“Okay, honey, calm down. Tell me what’s going on.”
So I did. I started at the beginning and told her everything. When I finished, I let out a ragged breath. I felt like a weight had been lifted, just knowing that someone else was shouldering the burden with me.
“Has she ever been moody like this before?” I asked.
“Well, yeah, when she was pregnant with you, but all women are like that. Although there was one thing that was weird.”
Holding the phone to my ear, I paced the room. “What?”
“She used to sleepwalk.”
“She did? When did this start?”
“After she swas raped.”
My stomach tightened. “And how long did it last?”
“Well, up until you were born and she moved out.”
“Why didn’t you tell me this when I asked about the night I found her outside?” I was irritated with her for keeping vital information from me.
“I’m sorry. I didn’t think the two were related. The house was never trashed. She would just walk around. Why? Do you think she sleepwalked and trashed your house?”
I sighed. “I don’t know, Grandma. I really don’t. Do you think Drake could be evil?”
“I suppose he could.” Wind rattled against the window. I jumped. My nerves were frayed.
“Like Wesley evil?”
“Oh, I don’t know, honey. I hope not.”
“Me too.” I dropped onto my bed, weary from the events of the day. Why couldn’t life just be simple? “I just can’t wait until Christmas. Everything will be okay then.”
“So, you’re still planning to come here?”
“Of course.”
“It’s just that I talked to your mom earlier and she said that you guys weren’t coming now.”
My stomach plummeted to the ground. “What? But we have to. I’ve been looking forward to this since we got back.”
“Me too.” Her voice sounded sad and distant. It made me feel even more isolated than I already did.
When I hung up with Grandma, my mind replayed all the vicious things Mom had said to me. Surely, she didn’t mean them. I was certain she didn’t know what she was saying. She wasn’t being herself. We may have had our fights before but she’d never been mean to me like that. Whether she meant her words or not, they had done their damage. My heart ached. I felt battered and bruised and wondered if the scars would ever heal.
On top of that, we may not be going to California for Christmas. That had been the only shining light in my dark existence lately. I was looking forward to getting away from scary sculptures, Mom’s mood swings, creepy boyfriends, and the conflicting feelings I felt about Tanner. At Grandma’s I would be safe again and everything would be normal.
I wanted to march out into the family room and demand an explanation, but I couldn’t bear another attack from Mom. My life was so out of control right now. I felt the pull of the bathroom. Icy fingers grabbed my hand and guided me there.
Sitting on the toilet seat, I held the razor to my arm. It was the only way. Right before I was about to pull and feel the releasing pain, I stopped. My teeth chattered. A tear slid down my cheek. I didn’t want to do this anymore. But it was stronger than me. Why couldn’t I stop myself?
“Jesus,” I whispered into the bathroom. “I need you. Jesus, help me.”
The icy wind evaporated and warmth replaced it. A man materialized in front of me. I almost screamed, but then I recognized him. Light illuminated him. He was all white and beautiful and glowing.
“You,” I breathed. It was the man who carried me that night on the bridge.
Without speaking, he reached out and plucked the razor from my hand. Before vanishing, he looked at me with intense, loving eyes and smiled.
I sat on the linoleum floor, and rested my head against the wall. For the first time in a long time, I felt at peace.
I felt cared for.
I felt safe.
Chapter Sixteen
In the morning, Mom acted as if nothing had happened the day before. Maybe she had been drinking. I’d never known her to do that during the day but it was the only explanation I could come up with. We sat across from each other, silently eating our bowls of cereal. Mom wore her fluffy pink robe, and hot rollers covered her head. I had just gotten out of the shower and my wet hair soaked the shoulders of my black top.
After swallowing my bite of frosted flakes, I looked up at Mom. “I talked to Grandma last night.”
“Oh?” She raised an eyebrow.
“She mentioned there was a possibility we weren’t visiting her over Christmas break.” I held my breath, awaiting her response.
“It’s not just a possibility. It’s a fact. We’re not going.” She shoved a spoonful of sugary cereal into her mouth.
Anger flared. “What do you mean we’re not going. Why?” I slammed my palm down on the table. Mom flinched. I was almost glad to see her scared of me for a change. “It’s because of Drake, isn’t it?”
“No, it’s because of you.”
“Because of me?” I was dumbfounded.
Mom calmly got up from the table and carried her bowl to the sink. “I just don’t think it’s a great idea for you to be back in that environment.”
Letting out a bitter laugh, I placed a hand on my hip. “What kind of environment? A sane one?”
Leaning against the counter, Mom frowned at me. “I think it was a mistake to send you there in the first place. Before you went there you were a normal teenage girl. Sure, a little wild, but still normal. But going there put all these weird ideas in your head about spirits and demons and stuff.”
“They’re not ideas, Mom. It’s real. Why can’t you believe that?”
“See, this is what I’m talking about. I’m really scared for you, Kenzie.” She sighed heavily. “When you first made up that crazy story about Wesley, I thought it was like when you were a kid and had that imaginary friend. Only, this isn’t the same. You’re almost eighteen and you’re not letting this go.”
My chin trembled, my eyes filled with moisture. I blinked and bit down on my lip.
“I know it’s
my fault, okay? I haven’t been the best mother in the world. I know that. But I’m trying to make up for that, and I think the best thing is for you to stay away from Grandma and Isaac. They fill your head with too much nonsense.”
“It’s not nonsense, Mom. This is!” Even though I tried to stop it, a sob tore out of my throat.
“Oh, Kenzie, I’m sorry. I didn’t mean to upset you.”
“Yes you did! That’s all you do.”
Mom took a step toward me, her feet encased in slippers. “You may be mad at me now but you’ll understand someday.”
I shook my head, tears spilling down my cheeks. “No, I won’t. This is the only thing I was looking forward to. You are always ruining my life.”
“Kenzie, for goodness sake, why do you have to make everything so dramatic? If I wanted to ruin your life I would’ve taken Drake’s advice and had you admitted to the hospital for a medical assessment.”
My body went hot. “He wanted you to do what?”
She gave me a dismissive flick of the wrist. “You know how doctors are. Don’t worry, I’m not going to do it. I know you will let go of this fantasy world at some point. My job is just to keep you rooted in reality. And that’s what I plan to do.”
“Yeah, the reality that my life sucks!” I spat.
“Okay, that’s enough.” She glanced at the clock on the wall. “I’ve gotta get these rollers out of my hair, and you’ve gotta get to school.” As she made her way out of the kitchen a thought struck me.
“It doesn’t matter what you say anyway. I have a car. I can drive to Grandma’s.”
Mom spun around, her eyes blazing. “If you even attempt to drive to Grandma’s, I will put you in the hospital. Do you understand?”
I nodded, all the while crossing my fingers behind my back. Her threats didn’t matter. If I went to Grandma’s, I would never return.
“Are you gonna tell me what’s wrong?” Tanner asked at lunch.
My stomach hurt so much I couldn’t eat. I had picked at my sandwich so much that now I had a pile of breadcrumbs on the table. I blushed.
“It’s nothing. Just had a fight with Mom this morning.” I glanced over at Rick and Janna, their heads bent together in deep conversation. A few tables down Haley sat with Ian. It was raining so we couldn’t stay in the quad.
