Diary of an Evil Queen

by Stacia Deutsch

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  Table of Contents

  Copyright Page

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  To the Dark Wizard, Jim, and his Evil Apprentice, Jack. The Evil Queen would be so proud of you both.

  If found, please return this book to the Evil Queen, located in mirror prison, top of tower, Ever After High. Just tap on the glass, and I will gladly appear and reward you handsomely for your efforts.

  A Letter to My Dearest Daughter

  Dear Raven,

  This book is my gift to you. It is my lasting legacy, written from behind the shimmering glass of my mirror prison. From this day forward, I am going to use my time to explain to you how to be an Evil Queen in the hopes that you will someday embrace your destiny and follow in my footsteps.

  I don’t understand what has gone wrong. From when you were a babe, I taught you everything I know about evil. I was the best mother an up-and-coming Evil Queen could want, and yet, here we are: You have rejected your destiny and, by extension, me. Yes, in your decision to be good, you have turned your back on your mother, the one who raised you, nurtured you, and wiped your cruel little chin.

  (Of course, there were nannies who handled most things, but I was there, down in the castle dungeons, hard at work plotting my next evil plan, wondering if your nappies were clean and your chin wiped. And let me assure you, if they weren’t—heads would have rolled!)

  Now, now, there’s no use weeping over the past or what could have been.

  This book gives us both a chance to start over. I’ll gladly impart all that knowledge to you again because I am your mother and you are my one and only child. Here we go, Raven. We are going to take a fresh stab at Evil 101.

  If I hadn’t overstepped the boundaries of my own story, invaded Wonderland, and poisoned Sleeping Beauty—even though that was a stroke of evil genius on my part—we’d be sitting side by side on matching thrones, ruling all of Ever After together. I’m not saying what I did wasn’t worth it, because it was… but the first rule of evil is not to get caught.

  Say it with me, Raven: Never get caught.

  You must subtly let everyone know that you are behind the act, of course, to build your fame and reputation, but do not let yourself get taken into custody and sent away to prison. Compared to palace living, this place I’m in is an insult.

  Harness your evil, Raven, before it’s too late. No one ever took over the world by being nice. It’s better to be feared than forgotten. I am the ultimate example. How long have I been stuck in this mirror, and yet, I’m still witch and famous! Don’t you want to be just like me? Well, the me who isn’t wrongly imprisoned, that is.

  Here’s the worst part of my incarceration: All I need is someone, anyone, to break the mirror, and then I’ll be free. Just a light tap on the glass, and I’d be out there, instead of in here. I’d be sweeping through Ever After, hatching evil plots to conquer kingdoms, creating chaos, and working relentlessly to convince you to stand proudly by my side.

  Since I cannot be there in person, this book will teach you the rules of evil. You must understand that evil is not something you toss away like fresh flowers. It’s not a ridiculous gift like a puppy that you would never, ever want unless you are a simpering fool. (Remember when your father gave you a puppy for your birthday? I don’t know what that man was thinking when he did that!) Evil is precious, and it must be honored. Evil must be planted like a seed in the darkest part of your heart and allowed to grow. It must be nurtured until it rots.

  Evil is a science. It’s a way of life that includes how to dress, what to eat, how to cast dark spells. There is the evil training of dragons and rulers. Evil isn’t just one thing. It’s everything!

  No matter what you may believe, Raven, you and I are not so different. Evil courses through your blood as it does mine. Look in the mirror, and you’ll see how similar we are. Take a close look. Closer even. Maybe press your nose against the glass. Yes. Lean right into it. One little step forward, and I will show you how similar we are in person!

  Ah well, a mother can dream.

  And who knows, maybe one day soon I’ll find a way to set myself free.

  In the meantime, my precious Raven, if you insist on going off book… then this book will come to you.

  1

  The Importance of Evil

  Imagine a world without evil. You wake up in the morning and hear the birds chirping with their annoying little tweets. You push aside the headache from that wretched sound and proceed to the shower, where hot water is plentiful. When you emerge, your towel is waiting, warm, soft, and fuzzy.

  Your favorite clothes are laid out, clean, sparkly, and freshly pressed. They fit just right. Your hair falls exactly the way you like it, without weird curls or floppy bangs.

  Down in the kitchen, breakfast consists of your favorite foods. You eat fluffy eggs and toast without crusts and delicate doughnuts and crispy bacon and wash it all down with not-too-hot chocolate.

  I know this is difficult, but stay with me.

  Your day ends with another “perfect” meal, and as you warm your toes by the fire before bed, you think…

  THIS IS THE WORST DAY EVER!!!!

  It’s horrible.

  Awful.

  And you dread doing it all over again the next day. You know you will because all your days are just like this.

  How do you wake up from this nightmare?!

  Dearest Raven, know this: Without evil, nothing interesting will ever happen. Ever After would be a kingdom of boring princesses and dull princes humming with the birds and smiling their way through bland days of sunshine and rainbows. No evil means no villains. No villains means no heroes. No heroes means no adventures. No more princesses in tall towers, no princes lost in the woods, no daring rescues from giants, and no missions to steal precious jewels from the dragon’s lair.

  Ever After High would no longer offer classes on potions or beast training, and Mr. Badwolf would be out of a job. Your friends would spend their days learning math, science, and literature! Can you imagine a bleaker future? Math! There’s no math in evil… unless of course, you are calculating the diameter of a fire pit and whether that fire would engulf the whole town. Okay, I guess there is some math in evil.

  Raven, you must recognize the kind of world you are heading toward.

  Think about it.

  Do you really want Mr. Badwolf to get FIRED because there’s nothing for him to teach? He’ll never find another job, and that would be all your fault. For someone who wants so badly to do good, do you really want to be responsible for the poor man wandering through the woods searching for a basket of treats and a soft bed?

  Without the sleeping curse, there’d be no Sleeping Beauty.

  If not for the poison apple, Snow White would still be living with those dwarves, singing and dancing in their cramped hut.

  Hansel and Gretel would have all sorts of poor health issues because the Candy Witch would have just let them devour her entire house. All that sugar is terrible for the teeth! Ah, and then the Candy Witch would be wandering in search of a new home, just like Mr. Badwolf.

  And that’s just the beginning.…

  You’d sit down to read a fairytale book and nothing hexciting would happen. Good things would happen to good people, who would all get what they wanted in the end. What hexcite
ment is there in that?

  Honestly, happy dwarves and cheerful flittering bluebirds are only interesting for maybe ten pages. After that, you’d be begging someone to throw a poisoned apple into the story. Begging, I tell you!

  Darling Raven, in your quest for goodness, you are missing the point of being evil:

  Evil is GOOD for everyone.

  Evil brings happiness. More happiness for some, obviously, but still happiness for all! Evil is the key to a Happily Ever After.

  There is badness in the world, dear daughter, but is that the fault of evil? Absolutely not. Evil doesn’t hurt people. People hurt people.

  Think about it: Evil is a big part of that “goodness” you love so much. It’s based on truth, honesty, and dignity. At the end of a story, when an evil villain confesses, they tell the whole story, no lies, no embellishments. The whole truth and nothing but the truth.

  I mean, look at me, I’ve confessed to my wrongdoings hundreds of times. Maybe thousands. For that, I should be admired, not skewered, and certainly not imprisoned for my righteous dignity.

  You just need to change your perspective, and you will realize that evil, on its own, never injured anyone. In fact, evil helps! Really… it does, and I can prove it.

  Let’s try this little test I created especially for you. I think it should be part of Mr. Badwolf’s General Villainy class. He could require all the students to take it, knowing, of course, he’d have to give you, my dearest, the highest grade of all. No one should be more evil than Raven Queen, except perhaps her mother.

  You will get hextra credit for cheating.

  I’ll tell you the evil deed, and then you match it with the good that came out of it:

  The Importance of Evil:

  A Test by the Evil Queen

  Snow White eats a poisoned apple.… She makes a fortune designing pajamas for wolves.

  The Big Bad Wolf steals Granny’s nightgown.… The student doesn’t have to do thronework.

  Sleeping Beauty pricks her finger and falls asleep.… She misses several dull dinner parties.

  Evil Step-Librarians toss an inquisitive student out of the library.… The dragons skip over their awkward middle school years and get big immediately.

  Faybelle feeds the dragons growth formula.… The kids learn the merits of healthy eating.

  The Candy Witch tries to eat Hansel and Gretel.… She marries a handsome prince.

  The Evil Queen escapes from mirror prison. Raven accepts her destiny and becomes evil.

  2

  Question: Who Deserves Freedom? Answer: I Do, Of Course.

  Your roommate, Apple White, is going to keep a secret from you. As your one and only mother, I see it as my duty to reveal the truth of what happened. Don’t be angry at Apple, my darling. You see, Apple only wants what is best for herself, and I only want what is best for you. So if I took a little advantage of the situation, who could blame me?

  I am so selfless. Honestly, my altruistic nature should be celebrated, not condemned. I ask nothing more in life than the chance to pass my legacy on to you, Raven. You see, evil must triumph, no matter the cost. And you, my child, are my single hope for the future. There is no one else to carry on the precious family traditions. Think of the future, Raven, and you will understand my desperation.

  So this is how it happened: There I was, trapped behind that dastardly mirror, imagining a time when you and I would sit throne by throne, when I noticed Apple White staring into the glass in the room you share.

  Apple looked directly into the mirror and asked: “Why is life so unfairest after all?”

  She didn’t know I was lurking there behind the glass, and yet, who was I to ignore such a despairing plea? Poor Apple. She needed an answer, and though I am not her mother, I felt obligated to treat her as I would any pathetic child.

  Apple was so wrapped up in fulfilling her destiny, it wasn’t difficult to lure her to the tower. One enchanted apple was all it took. She followed it, just as I knew she would.

  From there, it was easy.

  I gave her a sympathetic ear. A shoulder to lean on. I told her that I could help her steer you back on course and turn things back to the good old days. It was when I pointed out I could help her achieve her Happily Ever After that I knew I had her fate firmly in my grasp.

  I must say, the reason why you are friends with Snow’s sorry daughter is a mystery to me. You should have the rivalry that Snow and I had when we were students. We were never friends. That simply doesn’t fit with our stories! And it doesn’t fit with yours, either!

  Alas, Raven, it has been clear to me for a while now that I must drive a wedge between you and Apple. It’s for your own good. You’ll see. Everything I do, I do for your own good!

  With your well-being in mind, when Apple looked into that mirror, so vulnerable and full of doubt, I knew my opportunity had come.

  All I had to do was give her a push in the right direction. Once I suggested that she needed to be more like her own mother and embrace her own destiny, I knew I had her under my spell. I upset her. She threw the apple. The mirror prison glass shattered. And… I…

  I stepped into freedom.

  Apple would probably rather sing off-key than ever reveal this secret, my dear. She would never want you, or anyone else, to know that she was the one who freed me, but as you see, Apple is an important part of this story. When her destiny is on track, yours will be as well.

  Now that I am free, I can do whatever I want! The evil possibilities are endless! But first, I must reach out to you, my dear daughter. I must go to your classes, eat lunch with you in the Castleteria, bond over stuff you like. (What do you like? I am assuming we don’t share a lot in common—yet.…) I must stick to you like glue, get into your head, make evil suggestions, and turn things around.

  But how should I proceed?

  I simply cannot storm into the Castleteria and demand you join me for lunch forever. Though that would be fun for me, I can imagine you would not appreciate the gesture. No teenage girl wants to have lunch with her mother day after day, no matter how amazingly cruel and wonderfully awful that mother may be.… So I understand that predicament. I was a teenager once myself. Ah yes, I was a teenager.

  I must take this slowly. There is no need to get Apple in trouble for what she’s done… at least not yet, anyway.

  I’ll need to reinvent my look and blend in at Ever After High. Hmmm. I have a plan coming together in my mind already.

  I can’t tell Raven what I am doing because it’s all a big surprise, but I will outline it here, step by evil step, just in case she ever finds herself in a similar predicament and wonders, “What would Mom have done?”

  Step One: Disguise

  I need a secret identity in order to infiltrate Ever After High.

  The options are endless, but which is the best? Let me consider…

  A sheep: Since Lilly-Bo Peep never knows where her sheep are, this would be a ridiculously easy disguise. Those sheep are always wandering around the school. I could go anywhere I wanted at any time. No one would ever suspect!

  The downside: It would be really hard to convince Raven to join me in evil if all I can say is “bahhhh.” Also, the wool costume would be way too itchy and unflattering.

  A pig: The three little pigs are often seen in the Castleteria, cutting the line and filling their plates with students’ leftovers. That would give me the ability to talk to Raven at every meal. Oddly, one of them is even more than willing to be a villain, taking over Raven’s place in her story, so no one would be surprised to hear a pig spout evil ideas.

  The downside: I’d have to get rid of a pig to make it work, and that’d be harder than it seems. Pigs don’t go away easily. Also, pink is not a flattering color.

  A dragon: I would enjoy frying things with my breath, so this could be the perfect disguise. Private rooms are available in the stables, and food is always plentiful. No waiting in line! There’s hay to keep warm at night. The saddles aren’t very comfortable
at first, but I’d get used to them. Once the Dragon Games start up again at Ever After High, I’d be winning trophies, and Blondie would show my picture on her MirrorCast. I’d be even more famous than I already am.

  The downside: Raven already has a dragon of her own and probably doesn’t want two. Shifting into a dragon’s form is not worth it if I can’t get access to Raven all the time. It’s not like she’d willingly give me Nevermore’s bed and kick that disgrace of a pet out in the cold.

  A prince: This might be perfect. Then again, after years in mirror prison, I am sick of mirrors. Love of mirrors seems to be a requirement for most princes. That Daring Charming never puts his down. I can’t stand reflective surfaces, or even the back sides of reflective surfaces—they give me nightmares. Forget it.

  A teacher: Ever After High can always use a new teacher! Sadly, the ones here are the same ones as when I was a student, so maybe it’s time for a new infusion. Convincing those Grimm brothers to hire me wouldn’t be hard at all. A little spell here and a curse there, I’d have an office and a classroom in a lightning flash. There’s no one teaching important subjects like Life Behind the Looking Glass, Crimes and Punishment, or Apples for Every Occasion. This might be the evilest plan I have ever conceived and yet.…

  WAIT. HOLD EVERYTHING.

  What if I joined the ranks of the students at Ever After High? With a youth spell and a little high school know-how, I could hang out with Raven, become friends with her, and then reveal myself when the time is right. My darling daughter would never know what was coming, and by the time she realized it, she’d have decided that Mom’s not so bad and that being evil is actually good.

  Forget all the other ideas. I’ve decided on this one.