Francis of the Filth

by George Miller

  In the million years that followed, Frank fell into a dormant state. He sat chest deep in water, leaning up against the pole upon which the old salamander was hanging. Deeply entranced, he was neither aware of anything in his surroundings nor of anything within himself. His own existence was as though a distant memory or a future dream. The amniotic waters preserved him and the still air sustained him. And in this period of absence, two things happened: Frank aged; and his chromosomes, free from contaminating influences, multiplied beyond measure.

  On a cool, lifeless day of endlessly shifting mists, vacant auras and soft groans - exactly like any other day in this realm - the sound of someone wading way in the distance interrupted the stillness. The sound come closer and in a direct line as though it were somehow able to navigate this place. There was a determination in its steps. On reaching the pole, the figure paused and stood patiently, silently eliciting a response.

  It took some time for Frank to awaken and when he did, it was in foggy phases. When his eyes were fully opened and his cognition returned, he looked up to see a white figure, angelic in appearance, gazing down upon him. In this land of shadows, it radiated light and had an overall countenance of glory. The very atmosphere of this place seemed to come alive in the presence of this figure. Its green head bobbed to one side. It stood, slowly and purposefully rubbing its nipples with its fingers and uttered the only greeting it could under the circumstances: “Nyes.” It was Salamander Man! Frank jumped up full of excitement and joy, splashing about in the calm waters and calling out in a loud voice, “Salamander Man! Salamander Man!”

  From an elevated position, however, and with his mind having progressed from its initial groggy state, Frank was disturbed to see the harrowing sight before him. Salamander Man, far from being a picture of radiance and life, was an abysmal figure. His body was lacerated all over and he was bleeding terribly. He staggered as he walked, struggling with short breaths. Yet it was his face which carried the greater tragedy. Normally mischievously spritely, he carried a countenance that was forlorn, wounded and deeply ashamed.

  He looked at Frank through sad eyes and the two of them stared at each other in silence for the longest time. To ease the sadness, Frank produced Salamander Man’s recorder which evoked the hint of a smile on the caudata’s face. He held it lovingly in his hands, then looked up at his old friend impaled on the pole. He placed the recorder gently in his right nostril and played a slow, final tune for his old friend. The old salamander knew that this would be the last time he would hear any music, let alone the sweet sound of Salamander Man’s recorder, and a large round tear fell from his eye and ran down his face. Salamander Man, too, shed tears as he played and his tune was occasionally marred by the heave of one in great sorrow. Frank stood to the side with his head bowed in a spirit of respect, and embraced the moment.

  When Salamander Man was done, he gave one nipple a little rub before dropping both hands to his sides and bowing before his old friend. He and Frank then turned and left the old salamander to his dreadful fate. The two of them walked away from the watery fields of gallows, neither saying a word to the other. On they trudged through the shallow waters till they could no longer hear the soft groans of the damned, and then on they walked some more, always in silence, until there was nothing but an eerie emptiness all about them. There was so much that Frank wanted to ask Salamander Man but couldn’t, and there was so much that Salamander Man wanted to avoid saying to Frank, so refrained. Frank never learned the cause of Salamander Man’s condition but they understood each other and that was what made their fellowship, even in the most troubling of moments, so wonderful.

  At a point where they couldn’t go any further into nothingness, Salamander Man turned to Frank and in a quiet voice said, “Nyes”.

  “What?” Frank couldn’t believe his ears.

  “Nyes,” he repeated.

  “Are you kidding me, Salamander Man?” He could barely contain his excitement despite the salamander’s sorry disposition.

  “Nyes,” he added.

  “Back in New York?”

  A small grin edged up the corner of Salamander Man’s mouth. Frank was all smiles.

  “All of them?!” he asked.

  Salamander Man nodded.

  “Then, my friend,” Frank said, “It is time.”

  Frank stopped walking and Salamander Man drew beside him. “This place is as good as any,” he said. Salamander Man agreed but expressed this without so much as a nod. Frank took him under his arm and the two of them lay back floating on the surface of the water. Frank softly called the co-ordinates into the air. This was at once intriguing for Frank and a matter of course. He no longer needed to draw blood for transport as he was so chromosome rich. He no longer needed to expose his life source to open air. And co-ordinates for the destinations of his choice simply came through menial concentration. These things were innate knowledge to him now, like his own name or the recalling of a familiar memory. When the last of the co-ordinates had left his lips, they slipped under the water and were gone.

  Ochin chin ga daisuki day yo.

  The voice came to him as a whisper at first, like a faint dream intended for someone else. It whispered again, this time with greater penetration,

  Ochin chin ga daisuki day yo.

  Frank began to stir. It was the third utterance that brought the horror to life,

  Daisuki dayo,

  and Frank sat bolt upright on his bed. Unlike waking up from a bad dream, Frank had woken up into one and he was terrified.

  Hovering over him was a creature grotesquely familiar to him. Frank looked over the black halo that encircled his head, at his hideous, twitching body, and into the vacuum of his demented eyes. He tried to muffle any expressions of hatred for the dark lord but it simply wasn’t possible. Anger and hatred and fear seeped out from him and Chin Chin seemed to feed off it all. Everything from his appearance to his speech to his very essence pushed Frank to release droplets of detestation and rage and he began to retch.

  “Chin chin! Dark lord! Why have you come to torment me? Have you come to send me into the abyss?” Frank asked, paralyzed with panic.

  Ochin chin.

  “But I have made the sacrifices you asked for. The blood and pubic hair and nail clippings of a thousand youths were all duly provided with video evidence. I can show you right now.”

  Dai suki dayo.

  “Why do you need extra sacrifices? Weren’t those I made enough?” Frank was quivering with trepidation.

  Ochin chin. Ochin chin.

  “I swear I have no more. I have given you everything I had. I have no more chromosomes to give.”

  Daaii suki.

  He placed his hand on Frank’s trembling heart and wrested the remaining chromosomes from him. With that, he left abruptly, leaving Frank an empty shell on the bed.

  Once the shock waves had subsided and the space time continuum had returned to normal, fear was gone and life immediately returned to normal in Frank’s bedroom. That is, Frank sat on his bed and scratched his balls. He looked around to re-orientate himself. Then, very faintly at first, other activities began around the room. Initially, they started with just the lightest of movements from the cupboard door. It budged just a fraction; then a fraction more; then it peeped ajar. Finally the door swung wide open and out jumped a semi-naked little runt carrying some rosary beads.

  “Alpha Centurion!” Frank exclaimed. “Good to see you, my friend! Thanks for all your support a minute ago when Chin Chin was here!”

  He waddled over to Frank and sat on the bed beside him. “Good to see you too, Frank, you filthy little crapper. Good thing I wasn’t here a minute ago when that dark lord was here or I would have snapped his dick in two. I would have pounded those creepy black eyes of his all the way to the back of his head. I would have reached into his chest, pulled out his still-beating heart and held it up to his face so he could see how black it is.”

  “Alpha Centurion, what are you talking about my lec
herous little leprechaun? You were here the whole time hiding in the cupboard. You’re such a pussy.”

  “Alpha Centurion!” Frank exclaimed. “Good to see you, my friend! Thanks for all your support a minute ago when Chin Chin was here!”

  He waddled over to Frank and sat on the bed beside him. “Good to see you too, Frank, fucking tool. Good thing I wasn’t here a minute ago when that dark lord was here or I would have snapped his dick in two. I would have pounded those creepy black eyes of his all the way to the back of his head. I would have reached into his chest, pulled out his still-beating heart and held it up to his face so he could see how black it is.”

  “Alpha Centurion, what are you talking about. I saw you hiding in the cupboard. Also, you owe me money. You came up short.” The clock on the wall suddenly opened up and from it a tiny, wrinkled human stuck his head out and said, “That was a great joke, Frank. Seven out of ten!”. They aggressively winked at each other. The little guy returned back into the clock, never to be heard from again.

  Before the runt could respond, the bedroom door swung wide open to the sound of a series of disabled grunts and in hopped a demented looking guy, pink from head to toe. “Pink Guy! It’s you! You’re here, too! You made it! You just missed all the action by the way. You’re a pussy, too, you know that? You and Alpha Centurion are both a couple of pussies — leaving me to face Chin-Chin all on my own. It was pretty scary for a while there.”

  At that moment a rustling noise came up from under Frank’s bed. “Come out Salamander man, I know it’s you.”

  “Nyeessss!” came the reply as the huge humanoid salamander peeped out from under the bed.

  “Salamander man, what are you doing under my bed? Have you any idea of the filth that lies under there? I tell you, there’s some nasty stuff down there.”

  “Nyeessss!” He pulled himself fully out and immediately began to caress his nipples. He was now completely back to his normal self. All his lacerations had healed and his nipples were back to full erection. Whatever morbid woundings had previously disturbed him, he was back to his normal cheerful self again. “Nyeessss!” he cried and immediately inserted a recorder into his left nostril and broke into a rousing rendition of a tune from his glory days.

  Before Alpha Centurion could start dancing to the music or Frank could compliment him on his playing or his general good looks and SICK moves, the door was kicked wide open and in strolled a strange Japanese man wearing brown spectacles, a Hawaiian shirt and a safari hat. “Wow!” he declared. “Wow, Franku!”

  “Safari Man!” cried Frank, ecstatic that his whole posse was reunited once again. “I thought you were still back in…”

  “No, no! Let’s not go there! Suffice to say, being married to a negi was never going to work out for someone like me ha ha ha. She had no pussy. Can you imagine aggressively trying to make a dent in drywall with your dick? Not for me.” He was shadowed by Drone who hovered just above his left shoulder.

  Frank gestured for them all to come together. They embraced in a tight and passionate group hug, with Alpha Centurion once again burrowing with pleasure into Pink Guy’s thighs. “You know I love you guys, right?” They all affirmed this. “But I want my chromosomes back.” There was a lot of good-hearted complaining at this but they all knew it was the way it had to be. Frank had dispersed almost all his chromosomes amongst his posse to keep them from the dark lord, and this made them feel like kings of the world, brimming with life and power and authority and worth. As Frank embraced them all, he took back his chromosomes and a friendly murmur of discontent spread amongst them. Yet they were okay with this. They knew who Frank was and who he was becoming. They understood the honor that was theirs. They knew they were Friends of Frank, his fellow Fiends of Filth, his posse, and this was more than enough for all of them.

  More so, they started to believe. They believed that Frank was much more than they had once known and would yet be much more than he now was. They had seen him overcome the dark lord, feigning fear and covering up chromosomes. And as they beheld him now they were in utter awe. He had handled the peace lord in a masterly fashion. He had just confronted the mighty Chin Chin, and here he was, not just alive and not merely unscathed, but composed, rugged and impossibly chromosome-rich. And though they believed now they were not yet willing to speak of it. Frank, the mere mortal who had shaken the omniverses by becoming a rankenfile, had in his travels, risen to the tier of the mighty chimpillas. They knew that full well. But now, Frank had ascended, he had become…it was too much for them to utter but they believed it, they owned it and they rejoiced in it.

  And so it was on that softly lit autumn afternoon in New York City that Frank, Alpha Centurion, Pink Guy, Salamander Man and Safari Man and Drone came together to celebrate their triumph over Chin Chin, and to look forward to the gay and merry days which lay ahead. With the six of them now together, the circus was pretty much complete again. And there was jubilation until late into the night with everyone laughing and dancing and farting.

  Yet for Frank, his deepest dilemma remained and his interest was still aroused: who was he and what was he becoming? He understood that power without purpose was corrosive. And he was now fully aware that chromosomes were not simply being added to those he already possessed but that his own chromosomes themselves were truly multiplying. Exponentially. He marveled at this yet remained greatly troubled by it. Despite increasing displays of power, he still seemed no closer to finding out why he had such power. There had to be more to this. Beyond the peace lords, there had to be a Tierless One, a Supreme Power, an Ultimate God. The Ultimate God. Frank was exhilarated and haunted by this thought. He was more determined than ever before to find Him, confront Him and demand the answers to his questions. And so his quest became all-consuming.

  Chapter 12

  Time is not a line but a dimension, like the dimensions of space. Though Frank woke at a time in his New York bedroom, he was also aware of his own presence in other realms. It was an odd realisation for him to stumble upon but an exciting one as well. With each multiplication of his chromosomes, it seemed, he was able to discover new things about the omniverses and about himself simultaneously. The two were becoming closer to one with each passing day. And this day introduced a dimension to him that changed not only the course of his own path, but, in time, that of the omniverses as well.

  He was the first to wake that morning and he observed his still-sleeping friends with a hint of adoration. Alpha Centurion was sleeping in the cupboard (the door was open) in a position that was, curiously, very nearly upside down. The side of his head was flat on the bottom of the cupboard, his neck was at right angles against the side wall, and his body lay upright above his neck, with limbs sprawled across the side and back of the cupboard. He drooled as he slept and occasionally whispered obscenities.

  Pink Guy lay across a sofa at the foot of Frank’s bed. Even in slumber, his lip continued to curl in the manner of one demented. Occasionally he would softly grunt. There would be moments when his body would spasm before relaxing again for a while and then he would start to slide off the sofa. A few spasms later and he would be back up on the sofa and steamy. The whole process was endearing for Frank to watch.

  Under the bed, surrounded by soiled socks and underwear and breathing in their contents, lay Salamander Man. More than any of the others, there was little difference between him sleeping and being awake. He lay on his back, a crusty sock hanging from the corner of his mouth and his nose, just an inch away from Frank’s bedsprings, slowly rubbing his nipples. “Nyess,” he would gently breath. “Nyesss.” Drone lay beside him.

  Safari Man was the only one not allowed to sleep in the same room because he kept speaking in an inappropriately loud voice and laughing in his sleep which kept all the others awake. He was banished to a room across the hall yet the doors remained opened and Frank could see his twisted Japanese friend sprawled across a futon in happy rest with his hands behind his head and an enormous erection in his underpant
s. Occasionally he would mumble something in Osaka dialect and then scratch his scrotum. This is what Frank had returned for. This fellowship was the fruit of his longing and he felt a rich fulfilment as he watched the dozing circus all around him.

  Now, it was no secret to these friends (nor to many of his enemies) that Frank had something of a penchant for rats. Many times he had put them in a falafel wrap and served them up to Pink Guy or thrown them into the bath while Alpha Centurion was bathing. They went absolutely ballistic at Frank and were deeply concerned about his mental stability for doing such things yet Frank knew that it was episodes such as these that kept their brotherhood fresh and true.

  Those tricks, however, usually contained dead rats. Frank thought it would be a special treat if he presented a living rat to them as a means of welcoming them to a new day, and he had a beautiful specimen reserved just for this occasion. He kept it in a plastic container holding some old pizza. He placed the rat gently on the ground by the tail and watched it scatter about. At first it just stood and busily sniffed the air for a while but it shortly made its way, possibly drawn by the scent of the soiled clothing, under the bed and sidled up beside Salamander Man. After contemplating him for a bit and sniffing about his navel, it moved up to his exposed nipples where it began to have a little nibble. “Nyess,” said the salamander never flinching. A small smile stretched from one corner of his mouth. “Nyess.”