by Susan Stoker
Jesus. Just when she didn’t think she could love the man more, he made her feel like an ooey-gooey marshmallow.
I have another session the day after tomorrow.
What time?
Whatever works for you.
I’ll be there as early as visitors are allowed.
Beth put the phone down in her lap for a moment and looked up, trying not to cry as she had an epiphany about her relationship with Cade.
She hadn’t run from him because of what he’d said…not in the way he probably thought. After she’d gone into his room, she’d realized he was right. Every single word out of his mouth was dead-on. She knew playing with the matches and candles was a slippery slope she might not be able to come back from. She’d traded one coping mechanism for another.
She wanted to be the kind of person Cade was proud to stand beside. She wanted to be there to support him, not have him be the one propping her up all the time. Knowing she wouldn’t be able to if he was there holding her hand was what enabled her to make the painful break.
But suddenly the thought of seeing him again, and knowing he’d drop everything to fly halfway across the country for a simple therapy session, said everything it needed to.
Visitors are allowed at nine.
I’ll be there at eight-thirty so I’m the first person through the door.
Beth could barely see the screen through the tears coursing down her face. God.
I love you, Beth. I’ll be sure to wear one of the fancy pairs of underwear you ordered for me.
She smiled at that, thankful her man had a sense of humor.
Her man. She liked the sound of that.
Now if she could only make it through the session with Dr. Neal without blowing it.
CHAPTER 19
Cade sat on the bench outside The Anxiety and Agoraphobia Treatment Center with his hands dangling between his legs and waited for it to open. It was eight-twenty, and he couldn’t wait another moment to get there. He’d flown up the evening before and had only been able to sleep a couple of hours. Knowing he was so close to Beth but he couldn’t get to her was killing him.
He needed to feel her safe in his arms. There were so many things he wanted to say, and the first would be an apology. He had no idea what she was going through. It was easy for him to say she was using him, but did he care? No. She could use him all she needed to.
A slender woman wearing a dark blue power suit walked up to the front door and stopped, looking down at him. “Cade Turner?”
Cade looked up in surprise. “Yes, that’s me.”
The woman turned to him and sat down on the bench, placing her dark brown briefcase on the ground next to her. She crossed her legs and held out a hand. “I’m Dr. Neal, Elizabeth’s doctor.”
Cade immediately reciprocated the gesture and gripped her hand. “It’s good to meet you. Beth has nothing but good things to say about you.”
“Then she’s lying. There are times when she really doesn’t like me at all, but it’s all a part of the process. Thank you for coming today.”
“There’s nothing I wouldn’t do for Beth. All she has to do is ask and it’s hers.” Cade didn’t even fidget as the doctor looked him over for several moments.
Finally, she spoke. “I told her this already, and I think you should hear it too. I can’t say it enough. It’s possible she’s never going to be completely cured. Many times, agoraphobia is a lifelong affliction. She’ll get better and you’ll think she’s over it. Then there’ll be a day where all she wants is to hide under the covers. You could be in the middle of an ordinary outing that she’s done successfully hundreds of times and she’ll have a setback. Being here isn’t a cure, Cade.”
“I don’t think you get it,” Cade articulated clearly, his ire showing through his modulated words. “I love her. She’s the most amazing human being I’ve ever met. She’s funny, smart as hell, compassionate, and I can’t imagine my life without her in it. I don’t want a perfect Beth. She’s the way she is because of everything she’s been through. I wish I could turn back the clock and make it so that asshole didn’t get his hands on her, but I can’t. All I can do is stand by her side now as she makes her way through the life she’s got.
“As far as ‘setbacks’ go, I don’t care. If she wants to hole up in our bed all day, I’ll do what I can to be there with her. If she has a panic attack in the middle of the grocery store, I’ll leave all our groceries right in the aisle and get her to a place where she feels safe. I need you to tell me what I can do to help her, but being by her side and supporting her isn’t something you have to teach me. I’m already there.”
“Good. And I agree. You should know that as much as it doesn’t seem like it, Beth is one of the lucky ones. She’s a highly functioning agoraphobic. Since it was triggered by a traumatic event it’s easier to treat.”
“What about the fire thing?” Cade asked, knowing what she told him in regards to it might not be what he wanted to hear.
Dr. Neal waved her hand in the air in dismissal. “I think that’s the least of your worries.” At Cade’s look of disbelief, she continued, “Look, I know you’re a firefighter and putting out fires is what you do for a living, but pyromania is an impulse-control disorder. That’s not Beth’s issue, feeling out of control is.”
“Impulse-control disorder?”
“Sorry, yeah, it’s where a person can’t resist the impulsive desire to set fires. It’s also the same disorder that causes kleptomania and gambling addictions. People with it usually know it’s not right, but they literally can’t stop themselves. Beth started experimenting with fire because it was something she had power over. It helped with her anxiety because it gave her something else to focus on, to control, other than what was stressing her out, but I firmly believe that by teaching her other coping techniques, the fire thing won’t be an issue anymore.”
When Cade didn’t look placated, Dr. Neal asked, “What’s your real concern, Cade? That she’ll burn down your house? That you’ll be embarrassed if your buddies know you’re dating someone who likes to set fires? What?”
“No! God, I don’t care about that. Okay, I did worry about that at first, but Beth—Beth is my biggest concern. What if she hurts herself? What if she starts a fire and gets trapped? If I can’t get to her in time, she’ll burn to death.”
“Ah…a firefighter’s biggest fear. Look, Cade, I can’t promise that she won’t get hurt, just as you can’t promise her that you won’t get hurt while on the job. Hell, you could get hurt lighting the grill in your backyard. The best I can offer you is to talk to her. Communication is really important with someone like Beth. Ask her how she’s doing, ask what she’s feeling, make sure she knows you’re there to listen to her—and when she does talk to you, pay attention. Stop everything you’re doing and really hear what she’s saying.”
Cade nodded and kept his eyes on the doctor, absorbing everything she was telling him.
“I honestly think the pyromania was a short-term thing. She was feeling out of control and the fires helped her get some of that back.”
“There was a trash bag in her apartment full of matches and candles and stuff when I went to find her when she disappeared.”
“Yeah, she told me about that. She’d already come to the conclusion that she needed to get that under control, which was a healthy decision. Not a lot of people in her shoes would’ve had the strength to do that. As strange as this will sound, I think the fire at her apartment complex was a good thing. It scared her enough to really see the road she was on was a slippery slope.”
Cade sighed in relief and tried to sneak a peek at his watch. Eight forty-five.
Dr. Neal laughed, obviously noticing his not-so-subtle action. “Anxious are we?”
“You have no idea.”
“One more thing before our meeting this morning.”
Cade looked at her expectantly.
“There will be two other people joining our session. Beth doesn’t know about th
em, but I honestly think she needs to see them.”
“Will it hurt her? Because I don’t want her—”
“I think the two of you will be just fine.” Dr. Neal smiled hugely at Cade. “But to address your unimplied insult, I would never do something that would hurt any of my patients. Will she be surprised? Yes. Would she choose to see these people if I didn’t invite them? I doubt it. But, Cade, it’s my professional opinion that she needs to see them, to talk to them. If she’s going to move forward, it has to be done.”
Cade wasn’t sure he’d like whatever the doctor had planned, but it didn’t look as if he had a choice. He nodded once, grinding his teeth in frustration that he couldn’t fight all Beth’s demons for her. For now, it was enough that she’d asked him to come. That he’d be with her through whatever the doctor had planned.
“Come on,” Dr. Neal said as she stood. “Let’s go find your Beth. I know she’s just as anxious to see you as you are to see her.”
CHAPTER 20
Beth picked at the food on her tray in the small common area of the treatment facility. The fare was surprisingly good, but she didn’t have an appetite. She was nervous and excited at the same time. The last time she’d seen Cade—it was hard to believe it was over a month ago—they’d both said some not-so-nice things, but she hadn’t realized how much she would miss him until she’d been away from him. Texting was nice, but it wasn’t the same as feeling his hand holding hers, keeping the world at bay.
Over the years since she’d been kidnapped, the computer had become her friend. It was reliable and did what she told it to do. She’d met hundreds of people online and would even call some of them friends…but she hadn’t realized how lonely she was until Penelope and Cade came into her life.
It was one thing to see words on a screen and “hear” them in your head, but it was another altogether to feel the warm skin of someone else against yours. To hear them laugh, to watch them be worried for you.
Beth knew she’d never lose her love of computers, but she couldn’t wait to see Cade again.
Dr. Neal stuck her head into the room and called out quietly, “Beth, you have a visitor.”
Beth took a deep breath and nodded at the doctor. She picked up her tray and brought it to the corner, where she handed it to one of the ladies who worked in the kitchen, then shored up her courage and headed out of the room to see Cade.
Entering the visitor’s room Dr. Neal had pointed to, Beth wasn’t sure what to expect, but she shouldn’t have worried.
As soon as she walked in, she was in Cade’s embrace. He hauled her to him, wrapped both arms around her, and simply held her. They didn’t have to say anything, and somehow Beth knew Cade felt the same sense of peace she did at finally being together again.
Finally, Cade pulled back and Beth looked into his eyes.
“I missed you,” he murmured in the low, rumbly voice she loved so much.
“I’m sorry I—”
“Don’t be sorry. I’m just so glad you’re all right. Everything else can be worked out.”
Wow, Beth hadn’t been expecting that. Some sort of reprimand or something, but not immediate acceptance.
Obviously reading some of what she was thinking through the look on her face, Cade quickly said, “I was worried about you. Dr. Neal says that I should communicate with you as much as possible, so here goes. I might have been upset for a while that you skipped out of town, but Beth, I was more concerned about you. Everything I said that night came from right here…” Cade grabbed Beth’s hand and laid it flat on his chest over his heart.
“I was so scared that you’d been trapped or hurt in that fire, I said some things that came out wrong. I love you. I love you so much I’ve been a huge asshole to all the guys at the station and Penelope is ready to disown me. I want you to get better so you can come home with me.”
Home. The word settled into Beth’s heart and the knot in her stomach loosened for what seemed the first time since she’d stepped foot inside the treatment center. “I want to be normal for you, Cade. And I’m deathly afraid I never will be.”
“What the hell is normal, anyway?” Cade asked without missing a beat. “Are any of us normal? I run into burning buildings when everyone else is running out. I hear sirens and get excited. I haven’t told you this yet, but I’ve named my truck Curly Sue.”
She smiled a wan smile, but wasn’t ready to be swayed yet. “You deserve more.”
“More than what?”
“More than me,” Beth told him.
“Come here, sit with me.” Cade kept hold of her hand and towed her over to the small loveseat in the room. He sat and pulled her so she was sitting on his lap.
“There is no one ‘more than’ you, sweetheart. I took one look at you all those months ago, standing in your apartment watching as we put out that oil fire, and I was a goner. You’re the perfect package.”
“I’m not perfect.”
“No, you’re not; neither am I. What I should’ve said is that you’re the perfect package…for me. I feel like a better person when I’m around you. And this probably makes me sound like a douche, and Dr. Neal would have a field day with it, I’m sure—wait. Are these rooms monitored?”
Beth smiled a genuine smile for the first time. “If they are, I’ll hack in and make sure the tape is erased. But for the record, I don’t think you could say anything that would make you sound douchey.”
“You needing me makes me feel complete.” The words hung in the air for a moment before he continued. “I don’t know what it is in my DNA that makes me want to be a hero. Maybe it’s because of Penelope. She’s my younger sister and I always wanted to protect her. She’s as good a reason to blame for the way I am more than anything else.” He grinned. “When she looked up at me when I told a funny joke, or when I pushed a boy down who was bothering her, I felt ten feet tall.”
“I’m sure it’s why I’m in the career I am. It feels good to help people. To be there when they need someone. But you…you make me feel like a knight in shining armor simply by letting me hold your hand. I don’t think a relationship with a woman who didn’t need me like you do would ever work out. I’d feel…superfluous or something. You think you’re the one taking from me, but you’re wrong. I get so much by standing by your side, helping you keep your demons at bay, you have no idea.”
“So you could get the same feeling from helping anyone here at the treatment center? You’d be their hero too if they could hold your hand and have you keep their demons at bay while they took a walk around the grounds.” Beth wanted to understand, but she couldn’t deny his words soothed her soul and some of the worries she’d been carrying around.
“It’s not the same, and I hope to God you know it. It’s you, Beth. You. I hold people’s hands all the time in wrecks, in hospitals, at fire scenes, but it’s your hand I need to grab onto to feel complete. You make me want to be a better person. There’s nothing, and I mean nothing, I like more than sitting with you, just like this.”
“But you like being outside…you’re athletic and have a ton of friends.”
“We have a ton of friends, and you’re right, I do like playing softball and hanging out with my buddies, but Beth, you have stuff you do that I can’t as well.”
“No I don’t.”
“Yes, you do. Your computer stuff. It’ll always be over my head.”
“But that’s just for fun.”
“Not if Tex has anything to say about it. Look, my point is that we don’t have to spend every day, all day, connected at the hip. But at the end of the day, when I come home, you’re the person I want to see and talk to. You’re the person I think about telling funny things to while I’m at work. I love you, Beth. You.”
“Even though I’ll probably always have panic attacks?”
“Yes. Will you love me if my hair recedes?”
Beth giggled. “Your hair isn’t going to recede.”
“I wouldn’t bet on that, sweetheart. I think I have a
bald relative or two in my family tree.”
“Then yes, I’ll love you even if you have to have a comb-over.”
“If you’ll take me as I am, I’ll take you as you are.”
Beth looked into Cade’s eyes for a moment before collapsing on his chest and grabbing hold of him as hard as she could. “I love you, Cade Turner. More than you’ll ever know.”
“The feeling’s mutual, sweetheart.”
After a few minutes, Beth heard Cade ask, “What time is our meeting with Dr. Neal?”
“I think ten.”
“So we have some time.”
“Time? Yeah, I guess so.”
“How private is this room?”
“Not that private,” Beth told him with a blush.
“Beth, when we make love again, it won’t be rushed, and it won’t be in a visitors’ room where who the hell knows what has happened in it or where anyone could walk in. We’ll take our time and I’ll show you how much you mean to me by relearning your body inch by inch. I only asked because I wanted to make out with you a little bit. We haven’t been to second base in a while.”
“Oh…okay.”
Cade smiled and kissed her forehead. Then the tip of her nose, then her cheek as he made his way to her ear. Beth tilted her head, giving him more room to work. She felt his hot breath against her neck as he nipped and lightly sucked his way up. He took the lobe of her ear between his teeth and worked it gently as he nuzzled against her.
Finally, he let go and moved his lips up her ear. “I can’t wait to feel your heat surrounding my cock. You have no idea how good it feels, how good you feel. But it’s been way too long since I’ve felt your lips on mine. Kiss me, Beth?”
Ignoring the goosebumps that had spread down her arms at both his words and the feel of his length under her, Beth took Cade’s head in her hands and gave him what he wanted. What they both wanted.
She crushed her lips to his and sighed when he immediately opened for her. Her tongue swept inside his mouth and he met it with his own. They writhed in each other’s arms as the carnal kiss continued on and on. Cade tipped her back until he was holding her to him with one hand at her back and she was clasping him around his neck with both of hers. It wasn’t until Beth felt Cade’s hand creep up the front of her shirt and pull down the cup of her bra that she realized where they were.
