Edge of Chaos (Love on the Edge #1)

by Molly E. Lee

  All my laundry had been washed and folded or hung up in my closet, and my kitchen was more spotless than when I’d moved in.

  Mom.

  I shook my head and read the note she’d left me on the fridge.

  Made your favorite cookies, they’re on the counter. And I picked up a few other things at the store for you. Please text me when you’re home safe. Love You. P.S. Hail was an angel.

  I opened the fridge. Mom hadn’t picked up a few things, she’d fully stocked it. The gesture nearly made me cry.

  Instead I popped the lid on the Tupperware on the counter, grabbed three triple chocolate chip cookies, and sank onto my couch. After one bite the taste of home filled me so much I debated calling Mom and begging her to come over. She could hold me and tell me where to go from here, much like when I was little and struggled with the next step in a complicated word problem.

  Hail jumped up beside me, her floppy lips in the perfect pout.

  “No. I’m sure you’ve been spoiled enough the past two days,” I told her and finished off my cookies. I leaned my head back and stroked her fur. I couldn’t put this on Mom. This was my life . . . finally mine. I just had to figure out how I wanted to live it.

  A WEEK HAD gone by and I still hadn’t spoken to Dash. He’d nod to me during classes, but nothing more than that. He was giving me space and time, like I’d asked, to figure out who I was and to sort out my relationship drama. I respected him more for taking me seriously, but I also kind of hated him for it. I missed him on a daily basis—he was the first person I wanted to talk to in the morning and the last person I thought about at night. I knew this meant my feelings for him ran bone deep, but I still wasn’t ready. It wouldn’t be fair to either of us to dive into a relationship, so I sucked it up and let him stay away from me.

  My phone vibrated on the coffee table. I peered over my Climate Change and Agroecosystems book and instantly sank back into the couch. Hail snored peacefully next to me, her thick body keeping my feet warm. Justin had called several times a day, every day, since that night at the sorority house. And I still refused to answer. The night I broke it off I’d thought Justin deserved a serious conversation to give us closure, but after seeing him with Lindsay so quickly afterward, I knew I didn’t owe him a thing.

  I stared at the words on the pages in front of me, but they blurred into a one big blob of white and black. I couldn’t stop thinking about him.

  Dash.

  Justin’s loss should be the one I mourned, but I couldn’t force the feelings any more than I could force my body to react to him the way it did to Dash.

  Every time I closed my eyes our kiss burned behind my lids. I’d never felt more alive or desired in all my life.

  My cell beeped with a new text message. I snatched it off the table, hope rising in my chest. I instantly deflated. Justin—he was getting desperate.

  We need to talk. You can’t ignore me forever.

  My fingers shook. I took a deep breath and let it out slowly before texting back.

  What’s done is done.

  I tossed the phone back on the table and heaved myself off the couch. Hail grunted but sprawled out to her full length, taking up the important job of keeping my spot warm. A few minutes later and I sank into a scalding hot bath, completely prepared to soak for an hour before bed. I’d even broken out my special bottle of lavender oil to help me relax, because sleep had been nonexistent lately.

  Every time I laid down my mind whirled, mixing the past and present together. Memories of Justin and I in high school battled more recent events, and each time I found myself less and less upset about how things ended. His quick betrayal stung more than losing him, and I knew Dash played a huge part in that.

  Thoughts of the future—of what Dash and I could be—consumed all others until I was so worked up and shredded inside that I’d have to abandon the idea of pleasantly drifting off to sleep and instead study until I couldn’t hold my eyes open anymore.

  Dash’s friendship had come effortlessly. Being with him was as easy as opening my eyes. And now, after everything, they truly felt open for the first time. Like I’d spent the last three years of my life in a constant dreamlike state, where everything was shaded in gray, and Dash had been the one to wake me up and show me colors I didn’t even know existed.

  I sank my head under the water. I’d been so blind. I was mad for him. I think I had been since the moment he walked into my work that first night. Still, I couldn’t do anything about it. The timing was off.

  Keys rattling in my door startled me to the surface. Hail’s bark followed and I hopped out of the tub and dried off as best I could before slipping into my robe and tying it tightly around my waist. I padded barefoot down the hall and peered through the peephole.

  Justin grunted outside and pounded on my door, the vibrations making me jump.

  “Really? You changed the locks?” he yelled. I took a deep breath. I’d asked the apartment’s maintenance crew to change it the day after we’d caught him with Lindsay. I hadn’t wanted any surprise visits, like now.

  “Blake, I know you’re home! Open up.” Desperation colored his voice and he had a slight slur to his words.

  My heart thudded against my chest and a rock lodged in my throat.

  “I just want to talk. Just hear me out and I’ll leave.”

  I closed my eyes.

  “Lindsay told me Dash’s crew had gone on a lot of out of town chases recently. I just need to see that you’re okay. Please, Blake,” he begged.

  Anger boiled in my gut, and I clenched my jaw. I took a deep breath in an attempt to calm down. Perhaps if we got closure we could both move on with our lives and stop dwelling on the past. I raked my fingers through my wet hair and opened the door.

  Justin flew past me, and I shut the door with a thud.

  Hail gave her usual growl but elected not to move from her position on the couch. I loved her willfulness and understanding that we no longer catered to this man’s needs.

  Justin looked horrible. His stained jeans were even more grimy than normal and he hadn’t shaved in days.

  “I’m perfectly fine, Justin. I only went on one overnight chase with the crew anyway,” I said, trying not to let the disappointment ring in my voice. I knew they’d continue chasing while Dash gave me space, but I missed the action almost as much as I missed him.

  “Why haven’t you answered your phone?” he asked, coming closer.

  The sour smell of tequila coated his breath, and I backed up toward the kitchen.

  “Do you seriously want me to answer that?”

  “No.” His head dropped. “Blake, I’m so sorry. I don’t want to lose you. Please, give me another chance.”

  I shook my head, astounded that he launched into one of his standard cut-and-paste apologies. “Justin, what you did . . .” There was no fight to my voice. “I understand why you did it. We’ve been broken for a long time. It’s not your fault. It’s just . . . it’s over. All right?”

  “Just like that?”

  “No. Not just like that. We’ve been growing apart. You know that.”

  “No we haven’t!” He slammed his fist onto the counter, and I retreated farther into the kitchen.

  Noticing the sheen over his eyes and the clench in his jaw, I kept my tone calm. “We’d been together so long, it was bound to happen. People change. I grew up.”

  “You can’t say we’re over. I don’t want to live if you’re not with me.”

  I swallowed hard. I’d prepared for this, but I didn’t believe him. Not anymore. I couldn’t. Not after he’d so quickly hopped into another woman’s bed after we’d ended things. The act had brought to light all the ways in which he’d manipulated me over the years and isolated me from friends. “You said yourself that was just a ploy to keep me. It won’t work anymore.”

  Justin hadn’t wanted me to know anything outside of us. Maybe he knew if I did, then I’d wise up and realize the way he treated me wasn’t how real love worked. It
had taken finding myself—through chasing storms and becoming friends with Dash—to realize that.

  “We aren’t right for each other,” I continued. “We don’t fit. Maybe we used to, when we were younger, but not anymore. You need someone different than me, and that’s all right. Someone else can make you happier. Maybe Lindsay can, because I know I haven’t been.”

  And in my heart, behind the massive hole of realization of all that he’d done to me over the years, I really wanted that for him. I didn’t want him to suffer. I could still see the potential of the boy I’d fallen for long ago becoming the man I knew he could be, but I wasn’t the one to make him find that man inside. I hoped someone else could.

  Justin looked back up at me after a few moments, his dark eyes slits. “You aren’t the girl I fell in love with.”

  “I’m not. I grew up, Justin.”

  He scoffed. “You didn’t grow up! You’re still an immature little girl playing at the real world. You want to know the real reason I went to Lindsay? Because you could never give me anything in bed. You know how hard it was, getting it up for you time after time?” His voice heightened, and he stalked toward me. I backed up as far as I could against the kitchen counter, until he towered over me. “You couldn’t even come with me, Blake! You know how messed up that is? You’re so fucked-up you couldn’t even get yourself off. It was disgusting, knowing that every time I was inside you, you were going to be as dry as the fucking desert!”

  With each stinging word, the memory of all the painful, foreplay-less sex flashed in my head. All the times he’d told me it was my fault or denied my suggestions for alternate positions. All the times he’d laughed at me for wincing. It pierced me until I couldn’t take it anymore. “I’m perfectly capable of getting wet. Just not with you.”

  He flinched as if I’d hit him and grabbed my shoulders. “Oh yeah? Who with then? That tool, Dash?”

  His fingers cut into the soft fabric of my robe, and I suddenly felt extremely vulnerable with nothing underneath. When I’d let Justin in, I hadn’t even thought about it, we’d been together so long he’d seen me in every manner of dress. Now, with him towering over me, the smell of alcohol on his breath, and the anger coming off him in waves, I felt terribly exposed.

  Justin took my silence as confirmation, and his mouth dropped. “Wow. I fucking thought so! I knew the second I met that douche bag he’d weaseled his way into your pants.”

  “It’s not like that,” I said, but my voice came out a whisper. His hold on me bordered on a death grip, and I tugged at his hands. “Justin, let go. You’re hurting me.”

  His focus sharpened through the glaze in his eyes. “I couldn’t hurt you as much as you’ve hurt me! You’re throwing us away for some blond douchebag!”

  I pulled harder on his wrists.

  “No!” he yelled. “I won’t let you! I’ll make you love me again!” He released his grip and the blood rushed back to my shoulders so fast it stung. His fingers yanked at the fabric of my robe.

  I pushed him backward. “Stop it!”

  Justin came at me again, this time pressing his full body against mine so hard my back snapped against the counter. A white-hot wallop of pain erupted on my spine. I sucked in air through my teeth and shoved him harder. He barely stumbled backward this time.

  He ripped part of my robe open, exposing the top left half of my body. He grabbed my breast and bit at my neck. “You’ll understand again . . .” he slurred against my skin. “How it feels to be with a real man.” He dragged his tongue across my ear and shoved his hand lower. “Is this what Dash did? Huh? Did you give it up to him on that first night?”

  I trembled, the cold hand of fear clutching my heart. “Justin, please!” I yelled and pounded on his chest with my fists.

  A loud growl broke through my plea and Justin flinched.

  “The fuck?” He whipped his head back and looked down.

  Hail jumped up, pushing her front paws against Justin’s thigh. She lost her balance and stood on all fours again, barring her teeth and growling like I’d never seen before. The fur on her back stood on end. I took advantage of Justin’s distraction and quickly slipped to the left, holding my robe closed with my hands, my heart pounding furiously against my chest.

  Hail growled, a low snarling sound. Justin sucked his teeth and swung his right leg out. The connection his foot made with Hail’s side was sickening, but her loud yelp was worse. She instantly fell to her side, whimpering.

  Something snapped inside me. Broke completely the fuck off.

  I reached for the first thing I could grab—an empty longneck of Dash’s from last week I hadn’t been able to throw away—and hit Justin over the head with it. The bottle didn’t smash into pieces like I’d always seen in the movies. Instead, it made a horrible thunk sound and the vibrations from the action reverberated through the glass and into my fingers.

  Justin stumbled backward with his head in his hands. My chest heaved and I held the bottle over my head, ready to hit him again.

  “Get out!” I screamed.

  Justin dropped his hands, revealing a red lump already rising on his forehead. I took a step toward him with the bottle and he moved to the side, until finally he stumbled out of my door. I slammed and bolted it behind him and grabbed my cell.

  My knees hit the hard kitchen tile, shocking my already frayed nerves. I used one shaking hand to dial the only number I could remember at the moment and the other to stroke Hail, who lay whimpering on the floor.

  She kept raising her head as if to try to get up, but would yelp and lay it back down. Hot tears welled in my eyes and I trembled as I ran my free hand over her side. A knife pierced my heart when I felt a distortion in her ribs.

  “Please, please, pick up . . .” I keened, unable to control my sobs.

  “Hello?” A gruff voice finally answered.

  “Dash! Look, I know things are weird between us right now, but please come as fast as you can!” I stuttered through my plea, sobbing and out of breath.

  “Blake, what’s wrong?” he asked and I heard his truck door slam.

  “Please, Dash. Just get here.”

  “Already halfway there.”

  Thank you, God. I glanced at the ceiling and hung up. He must’ve been at Bailey’s.

  I put my face close to Hail’s. “It’s going to be all right, baby,” I whispered, sniffing loudly in an attempt to pull myself together. She rolled her eyes toward my face and looked at me like she wished she could move to comfort me. I shook my head.

  By the time Dash knocked on my door, Hail’s breathing had grown ragged.

  He walked in, looked me up and down, saw Hail, and sprinted into action.

  “Get dressed faster than you can think. And grab a blanket while you’re at it,” he ordered, sliding next to Hail and running his hands over her fur. Her tiny tail wiggled, but she whimpered again, and I ran down the hallway so fast my feet barely touched the floor.

  Dressed in who knew what, I hopped to Dash’s truck while yanking on my shoes. He carefully loaded a blanket-wrapped Hail into the center seat and flew down the street before I’d buckled in.

  “There’s an emergency vet clinic not far,” he said, making a quick right turn.

  “Thank—”

  “Don’t thank me yet,” After a short ride, Dash slammed on his breaks in front of a building with a bright red neon sign that read “Moore Emergency Vet Clinic.”

  I silently thanked God again, because Hail’s normal vet wasn’t an all-hours and I’d had no idea about this place. Dash carried her in with strong steady arms, and they rushed her to the back before I could squeeze out the words “she got kicked in the side.”

  We weren’t allowed to go with her, despite my desperate pleas, so I reluctantly took up a seat in the waiting room, my knees bouncing anxiously. Dash gripped the arms of the chair he sat in and swallowed hard.

  “Now, tell me,” he said.

  Tears welled up in my eyes again, and his arm instantly wrapped
around my shoulders. I winced, a sharp pain pinching the area he touched. He lifted his arm and gently moved my shirt to the side. I glanced down when his eyes turned to slits.

  Fingernail marks and the dusting of red and purple sat on each shoulder from where Justin had clung to me.

  “Explain,” he said, his voice tense.

  I leaned further into him, pulling his arm down around me, ignoring the pain. He smelled like rain and comfort, and I spilled the night’s events into his shirt along with some more tears.

  “If anything happens to Hail, I’m going to kill him,” I said, finally reeling in my sobs.

  Dash clenched his jaw and stood up, pacing the area in front of me. “I’m going to kill him for touching you.”

  The scene replayed in my head and I shuddered. I wondered if I could’ve done anything differently to avoid the outcome. Maybe if I’d just let him do what he wanted, then Hail wouldn’t have needed to intervene, and she wouldn’t have gotten hurt.

  “Don’t.” Dash sank to his knees in front of me and placed his hands on either side of my face.

  “What?” I asked.

  “You’re blaming yourself. I can tell. Put this blame where it belongs. On that asshole.”

  “I already did.” The sound the bottle made as it hit Justin’s head rang in my ears. I didn’t feel bad about doing it, and anger seethed below my worries for Hail, threatening to burst out, and track him down, and bash him over the head some more.

  “I’m proud of you for that, but you shouldn’t have had to.” Dash raked his hands through his hair.

  After a few deep breaths I realized we were alone in the waiting room. The only attendant behind the massive counter had gone to the back to check on Hail. The place smelled heavily of fur, disinfectant, and urine.

  Dash looked at me, his eyes softening.

  “Thank you for coming,” I whispered.

  “Blake . . .” He sighed. “Look—”

  “Ms. Caster?” A tall woman in a white coat stepped out of the swinging door that lead to the back.

  “Yes.” I bolted to her and Dash quickly followed.

  “Hail is going to be fine . . .”