The Torn Up Marriage

by Caroline Roberts

  Chapter 11

  “Well, then, which was your favourite?”

  A big sigh came from Emily, her cheeks puffing out. How to possibly choose?

  “The lemurs,” Charlotte was decisive, “Aww, they were so cute. And I loved that we could really walk through them. With them all just hanging there… And that little baby with his mummy. He had such a funny little face.”

  Michael smiled.

  Emily was still “Umning” until she came up with “All of them. The sealions and the real lions, and the big rhinos-rus, giraffes, monkeys. Oh, oh, and the penguins.”

  “Like Happy Feet!” Charlotte joined in, flapping her hands by her ears to show their tufts.

  Michael went one better and started doing the penguin walk. Emily giggled, then joined in herself.

  “Yeah, they were the Rockhoppers. They were funny, weren’t they?” he said, as he bobbed from side to side.

  Emily nodded as she shuffled beside him. Charlotte pulling a face, saying “Da–ad”, but smiling too. Another family passed by them, shooting Michael a bemused look. Charlotte raised her eyebrows to the heavens, “Daddy, people are looking!” He exaggerated the waddle even more, his arms down, hands pointed out to the sides, Emily in fits of giggles now.

  “Okay, time for a drink and a snack,” he straightened up, “Anyone hungry?”

  “Yes-s” Charlotte answered. Emily nodded.

  They approached the white-painted wooden café. There were chairs and tables outside, and a sign with coffee and ice creams on. They were also approaching the time when he would have to tell them.

  “Hot chocolate? Coca-cola? An ice cream perhaps?”

  Jesus, this was going to be hard. He’d promised Kate he would tell them today. A limited version of the truth. The girls would need to know that he wasn’t coming home, that he wasn’t going to be living with them any more. And it felt as if he had betrayed them as well as Kate. He gulped back a sigh and ruffled a hand through his hair.

  “Well then?”

  “Ice creams!” came the unanimous reply.

  They went in through wooden doors and approached the counter. A young woman in her early twenties smiled across at them.

  “Um, a white coffee for me, please. Girls, which ice creams?”

  Excited eyes scanned the board by the counter with its various pictures: cones, choc ices, fruity ones, minty ones.

  “Smarties one, please.”

  “Twister.”

  “Okay, that’s it then, I think. Any drinks, girls?”

  Emily shook her head, whilst Charlotte asked for a Coca-cola.

  “Thanks and a small Coke, then, please.”

  The girl gave him a friendly smile. He noticed she had very pretty eyes, an unusual shade of green. But her look suggested that she felt a little sorry for him too – a father on his own. Another Saturday Dad. He smiled back. She probably saw it a lot – a lone father with his children. He was going to have to get used to it. Especially as he’d promised Kate he wouldn’t confuse the girls by introducing Sophie into their lives just yet.

  Coffee in a cardboard cup, ice creams in hand, they set off outside to find a bench. It’d be good to sit down a while; he’d left Emily’s buggy in the car and had ended up carrying her quite a bit. It was a warm day; they were lucky enough to get sunshine. He was filled with a sense of gloom. This wasn’t going to be an easy task.

  How to find the right words, even after going over and over them last night? Perched on a wooden bench, coffee in hand, the ice creams already half-licked, he cleared his throat, “Girls, I’ve got something I need to tell you… to explain.”

  They looked up, eyes wide, noting the serious tone in his voice.

  “It’s just… Well… Mummy and I, we’re going to have a bit of time apart. Which means I can’t live at home for now… Not to stay over.” The words were clumsy. He was doing this all wrong, he was sure.

  The two pairs of eyes just got bigger.

  “I… I can’t live with you at home like I used to.”

  “Well, where are you going to go, then?” Charlotte was trying to work things out. “Are you going far away?” There was a hint of panic in her voice.

  “No. NO. Not far away at all. I’ll still be in Alnwick. We’ll just have different houses. But I’ll come and see you both, all the time. And we can go out on trips. And when I get sorted out with my new house, you can come and stay.”

  Emily was nodding seriously, licking her ice lolly.

  Charlotte launched into a barrage of questions, “Well, where in Alnwick will you be? And why can’t you stay with us and Mummy any more? Don’t you want to come home? Don’t you like us any more?”

  Whoh, this was going to be tricky. “Oh, Lottie, Em, of course I like you. I love you, both of you. But it’s just got difficult for Mummy and me. And we think we’ll be better just having a break and trying out living on our own.” How did you pitch it for a five and two-and-a-half year old? Without mentioning the fact you had fallen in love with someone else, and without trying to make their mummy seem second best in any way.

  “But who will you be with?” Lottie’s voice was getting louder.

  Emily frowned, concerned now.

  “Well, just on my own for now. I’ll be okay.” He tried to keep his tone light. He had promised not to mention Sophie. The lie sat uneasily on his tongue, yet he realised it was necessary. It was too soon, he had to agree with Kate. Too much for them to take in and, to be honest, it was early days for him and Sophie. It all needed time. He looked across at them both, hating the sad look that was filling Emily’s face, her eyes full of confusion. Charlotte’s brow furrowed, ready to quiz him some more.

  “Want Daddy home.” Emily’s bottom lip was wobbling.

  This was so bloody hard, and yet he’d started it all, set it all in motion, by choosing to sleep with another woman. He struggled for a few seconds, trying for their sakes to keep calm, to look as though this wasn’t too big a deal, took a big gulp of coffee. The girls licked at their ice creams. Damn, he needed to make this as positive as possible. He needed to make it better for them than this.

  “You know, we’ll go out and be together lots, like today. We can do all sorts of things. And Mummy has my telephone number, so even if I’m not there with you, you can ring me any time you like. Whenever. If there’s anything to tell me about school, or your day, or what you want to do at the weekend.”

  “Will you be there to read our stories at bedtime?” Charlotte again.

  “Gruff’lo?” Emily joined in.

  “Oh, well, I can’t be there every night, but I can do some of them. I’m sure Mummy will let me do lots of the bedtimes. Or maybe I can read a story down the phone.” A sorry substitute, he knew, but it was the best he could offer.

  “Oh, okay.” “’Kay”

  Well, there was no going back now. The girls knew. The reality of it all tightened in his gut. He wouldn’t be there with them every morning, every night. And then, what about the birthdays, Christmas? It was every separated parent’s nightmare and reality, that juggling act. He forced a reassuring smile at them both. “It’ll all work out fine. It’ll just be a bit different, that’s all.”

  “Daddy, do you still love Mummy?” Charlotte’s eyes fixed his.

  Oh, Christ. The question caught him off guard. Totally threw him.

  “Ah…” trying to think what was the most honest, helpful answer. What was true in all this mess? “Yes, sweetheart, I do.” And it was true. He’d always love Kate. He knew that. It just wasn’t in the way it used to be any more.

  “Okay.” That seemed to be enough for Charlotte then. “Can I have some popcorn? I’m still hungry.” And with that the conversation was about to move on.

  But he wasn’t quite ready. He still hadn’t had chance to say all of the things that seemed so important last night to get across – the things that he’d been going over and over in his mind. He ransacked his brain, but they seemed to have gone.

  “Popco
rn, ye-es just a small bag… And girls… if you have anything you want to ask me or Mummy, then that’s fine. Just ask. ‘Cos sometimes it can all be a bit confusing… And I don’t want you to feel like that… And it’s not your fault. Don’t ever worry about that. It’s about me and Mummy.” Still clumsy, he knew, but he was trying.

  “O–kay. It’s like Max.” Charlotte again.

  “Max?

  “Yeah, Max at school. He’s got a Mummy and a Daddy and a second Daddy, the one that he lives with.”

  “Hmn, like I say, it can get a bit complicated.” God, the things we do to our kids. And now he was as guilty as the rest of them. No wonder Kate had insisted that he didn’t mention Sophie. One to save for another time, another daytrip, more ice creams and fun, when really you were just tearing all your lives apart.

  He stood up, gathering the empty wrappers for the bin. Plastering positivity into his voice, “Popcorn then, that sounds like just the thing!”

  Chapter 12

  Doorbells. Bloody phones.

  Well, she didn’t have to answer them. Intrusive, droning, buzzy, bloody noises. She buried herself deeper under the duvet. SHE DID NOT HAVE TO SPEAK TO ANYBODY. SHE DID NOT HAVE TO PRETEND SHE WAS ALRIGHT.

  She’d fielded all those horrid, heart-wrenching questions from the girls, about why Daddy was going to live elsewhere. She’d made it to school and nursery this morning. Another day, another fake smile. She’d held it together. Got home. And then dragged the duvet from the spare room down to the sofa.

  “Buzzzzzzz.”

  Jesus, didn’t people know when to give up, leave her bloody alone? She wasn’t in. She wasn’t here. Gone shopping. Gone to London… Paris… Rome…Tokyo. Anywhere but her own life would be good right now. She sank lower, the air stuffy beneath the duvet.

  There was a tapping noise, insistent on the glass, like a bird’s beak at the window. Shit, she should have drawn the curtains closed. She froze, going back to her five-year- old self, hiding from the bogey man in the black hole of her bedroom. If she just kept totally still, then he wouldn’t know she was there.

  The tapping got louder, more persistent, then a voice, “Kate… Kate. It’s me, Mel.”

  Kate lay rigid, hardly daring to breathe.

  “Are you in there?”

  She could picture her friend’s face pressed against the glass. She kept dead still. It was just an empty duvet left there on the sofa, not her at all, honest.

  “Kate… look, I guess something’s wrong. I just want to help. Please… Let me in.”

  Kate felt her muscles soften, weaken. But no, there was no way she was going to let anyone in. No one could make her do anything she didn’t want to.

  “I’m worried about you, Kate.”

  Damn, her friend’s voice was kind, concerned. Of all the people she might let in, it was Mel who she might be able trust. But this was too soon. She didn’t want to have to tell anyone else, not yet. It had been so bloody hard telling her parents yesterday, and then the girls with all their innocent questions. She couldn’t go through it all again today.

  And once her friends knew, there was no going back. It made it true. Final. What if Michael came home tonight, saying he’d got it all wrong, that he wanted to come back? He loved her after all. A few more days might give them both a chance.

  The voice started up again, “I’ll just make you a cup of tea and then go. I’ve brought doughnuts. You don’t even have to speak to me.”

  Kate gave a wry smile, still buried under the duvet. That was so Mel, bringing emergency food parcels, even though Kate couldn’t face eating a thing. A little voice inside told her to get up, let her in. She was one of the few close friends she had, and, boy, did she need a friend right now. And if she kept her out there any longer all the neighbours would know something was up, anyhow, what with all the bloody shouting at the front window.

  She poked her head gingerly above the duvet. As she had pictured, Mel was there, face pressed up against the glass, kind dark eyes looking in, breath misting the outside of the pane.

  A smile of relief broke on Mel’s face. “Can I come in, then? ‘Cos I’m getting a bit muddy out here in this flower bed.”

  Kate found herself mute and just nodded her head a fraction, pushing the duvet slowly away and resting her bare feet on the carpet. The floor seemed to shift as she came to stand, walking felt odd, as if she’d been on a boat for hours. She headed, with a slight wobble, to the front door, released the catch. The light was way too bright as she opened it.

  “Hi. Hey…What’s wrong? Are you ill?”

  Kate just shook her head, afraid to speak, to let out the truth. Because the more it was said, the more it became real.

  Mel came in, shutting the door behind her. “I’ll make us a cup of tea, then.” She didn’t ask, just headed for the kitchen. Kate following a few paces behind, stood watching as her friend found teabags, two mugs, filled the kettle and clicked it on. Kate then turned and wandered back to her duvet bolt hole, sat back down, huddled in the middle of the sofa.

  Mel was soon striding in with two steaming mugs in one hand and a plate with two sugary-warm doughnuts in the other. She set them down on the coffee table. “Sorry, no milk,” she stated, as though it was she who’d forgotten to go shopping for the essentials. She sat in the armchair, which was angled beside the sofa, then passed across a mug for Kate.

  “Okay then, hun. Are you going to tell me?”

  Kate sat mute, her eyes flicking across to Mel, then away again. Could she? Could she just come out with it? She sipped her tea, watched as Mel eyed the coffee table, taking in the half-empty glass of white wine there. Last night’s probably, Kate mused… or was there a chance she had topped it up this morning? The bottle beside it was empty.

  “So you’re not ill?”

  Kate shook her head again.

  “Then it’s something that’s happened? Are the girls alright?”

  She nodded as the tears began to stream down her face. Hot, greedy tears, ready to devour her, time and time again.

  “Hey…” Mel moved to the sofa beside her, her arm gentle around Kate’s shoulders. “It’s okay, it’s okay. I’m here for you. You can tell me if you want, but you don’t have to.”

  Kate felt herself crumple, giving in to it. Having kept it all inside, for days now. She hadn’t told anyone other than her parents. Was that only yesterday, the zoo visit the girls had with Michael, her trip to her parents? So it must be Monday, a week since that call. Christ, and already she was a total mess. She hadn’t meant to be like this, so pathetic. She had tried so hard to keep it together, to make it all alright for the girls. She’d had a whole sodding week of it. She’d just about managed in front of them, but on her own it had all gone to pieces. There was no lying to herself.

  “It’s…” she paused, took a slow, deep breath, feeling as if she was drowning. Mel sat watching her intently. “It’s Michael… he’s having an affair.” The words were out, filling the air around them like radiation. Her husband guilty. Someone else now knew.

  The arm about her tightened. “Oh, Kate.”

  Kate sighed, gulped another breath, “He’s left me.”

  “Oh, God, Kate. You poor love.” Mel took her in her arms, quiet together there, except for the sound of Kate’s muffled sobs. “When? How did you find out?”

  Kate paused, pulled away from Mel slightly, knowing this was going to hurt, “He was on his mobile. It all seemed quite normal. Going to stay over, working away.” She stopped speaking, feeling it all rise up again in her, the shock of it all. “Then the phone rang back… he hadn’t realised… clicked it on somehow. There was a woman there. They were arranging a meal out together… I just knew… I just knew.”

  “Oh, Kate, I can hardly believe it. You two seemed okay, no, good together. Are you sure?”

  She nodded sadly, “He’s admitted it all. Told me himself, Mel.”

  “Bloody hell!”

  They sat a moment or two, silent on the sofa am
ongst the crumpled duvet, Kate hugging her tea mug, Mel shaking her head sadly, trying to take it all in.

  “What will you do? Do you think he’ll come back?”

  “What the hell can I do, Mel? I can’t just march around there and demand he comes home, can I? Like he’s just been a bit of a naughty boy. God, I don’t even know where he is. I don’t know where she lives. It’s his bloody secretary… I – I don’t even know if I want him back.”

  “Whoah! I see. Well, if it was my Kev I’d have him strung up on a meat hook, and get a carving knife to his knackers. But that’s just me.”

  Kate rallied with a small grin. Now there was a thought.

  “And the girls,” Mel continued, “has he seen them at all? How are they?”

  “Okay-ish. But they’re asking loads of questions, naturally. He took them out yesterday, tried to explain the situation a bit. I think he misses them. I can tell they’re missing him.”

  “No wonder! What an idiot! How could he do it to you, Kate? You’re beautiful, clever. He doesn’t deserve you if he can act like that. What a tosser! He’ll regret it, you know. Once his dick stops doing all the thinking for him. Bloody men!”

  “Yeah, bloody men… Your Kev’s alright, though, isn’t he? He’s never done anything like this, surely?”

  “No, he’s a good’un. Well, as far as I know. But they haven’t all been… I was let down badly once. A guy I’d been going out with for a year or so, we were engaged. Well, he had a few too many drinks one night, told me he thought we were getting a bit staid, needed a break. A few days later I found out he’d gone off with my girlfriend, Angie.”

  “Oh, Mel, I’m sorry.”

  “Ah, it’s okay. It was years ago. Then I met Kev. It’s been good.” Mel took a large bite out of a doughnut. “Anyway, what are we going to do about you, hey, hun? How can I help, Kate? Just say. Anything? Shall I have the girls for you for a few days?”

  “No,” Kate’s tone was sharp. It surprised them both. “No,” again, softer now. “It’s just, I need to be with them, to have that routine. It’s the only thing keeping me going right now. Thanks, anyway.”