We're Red, Weird, and Blue! What Can We Do?

by Dan Gutman

  “The prime minister of Japan!” I shouted.

  “Very good, A.J.,” said Mr. Klutz.

  I stuck my tongue out at Andrea again. As long as Mr. Klutz kept asking questions about toilets and presidents who threw up on people, I would be fine.

  “Andrea,” said Mr. Klutz, “which president’s first name at birth was Leslie?”

  Wow. These questions were tough.

  “Gerald Ford!” Andrea shouted.

  “Right!” said Mr. Klutz. “It’s going to be hard to choose between you two. A.J., who was the president from 1929 to 1933?”

  Uh-oh. I didn’t know that one. I was going to lose. Andrea would be competing against Dirk School in the Presidents’ Day Challenge, and she would be going to DizzyLand.

  “Uh . . .” I tried to think of who was the president from 1929 to 1933.

  In the front row, Michael caught my eye. He was making weird hand motions. It almost looked like he was vacuuming a floor. That was weird.

  “Michael, what are you doing?” asked Mr. Klutz.

  “I’m, uh . . . pretending to use a vacuum cleaner,” Michael replied.

  Vacuum cleaner?

  “Hoover!” I shouted. “The correct answer is Hoover!”

  “That’s right!” said Mr. Klutz. “Very good, A.J.! Andrea, which president has the same first name as a character on Sesame Street?”

  “Grover Cleveland!” shouted Andrea.

  “Right!” said Mr. Klutz. “A.J., who was the fourth president?”

  I had no idea. This was it. I was finished. In the front row, Ryan was making hand motions. He looked like he was arguing with somebody.

  “Ryan, what are you doing?” asked Mr. Klutz.

  “Uh . . . nothing,” Ryan replied. “I’m just pretending to be a guy who’s mad at his son.”

  Mad at his son?

  “Madison!” I shouted. “The correct answer is Madison!”

  “That’s right!” said Mr. Klutz. “Very good, A.J.!”

  “That’s not fair!” Andrea shouted. “Arlo’s friends are feeding him the answers. He’s cheating!”

  “I am not,” I shouted.

  “Are too,” shouted Andrea.

  “R2D2,” I shouted.

  We went back and forth like that for a while.

  Mr. Klutz had to make the shut-up peace sign with his fingers to calm everybody down.

  “I can select two third graders,” he said. “I think it’s obvious which of our students know the most about the presidents. Andrea and A.J. will both represent our school at the Presidents’ Day Challenge.”

  Everybody clapped their hands in a circle to give us a round of applause.

  “Oooooh,” said Ryan. “A.J. and Andrea will be in the Presidents’ Day Challenge together. They must be in love!”

  “When are you gonna get married?” asked Michael.

  If those guys weren’t my best friends, I would hate them.

  So Andrea and I would be representing our school. Ugh. I didn’t want to do it. I might actually have to learn something about the presidents. What a waste! The more time you spend learning stuff, the less time you have to spend on important stuff, like watching TV and playing video games.

  But everybody at school was really getting into it. All the kids wanted to see us beat those Dirk School dorks again. All the teachers were feeding Andrea and me facts about the presidents to help us get ready.

  When we went to the media center, Mrs. Roopy showed us more books and videos about the presidents.

  During computer class, our computer teacher, Mrs. Yonkers, told us that Bill Clinton was the first president to use email.

  During music class, our music teacher, Mr. Loring, told us that Bill Clinton also played the saxophone on TV.

  During fizz ed, our gym teacher, Miss Small, told us that Gerald Ford was a star football player when he was in college at the University of Michigan.

  All the grown-ups at school kept pulling Andrea and me aside in the hallway to tell us facts they knew about the presidents. Our security guard, Officer Spence, told me about how the Secret Service protects the president. He said you never know what questions might be asked at the Presidents’ Day Challenge.

  Even Coach Hyatt, my Pee Wee football coach, wanted to help.

  “A.J.,” she shouted to me at the end of practice on Saturday. “I want you and Andrea to pick up my car.”

  “What?!” I replied. “How would picking up your car help us win the Presidents’ Day Challenge?”

  “Pick it up!” she shouted back. “Show us how tough you are. If you can pick up a car, you can do anything.”

  That was weird. Coach Hyatt is a riot.

  Finally, it was Presidents’ Day. We had that day off from school, and the Presidents’ Day Challenge would be on Wednesday night. On Tuesday morning, we were in Mr. Cooper’s class when an announcement came over the loudspeaker.

  “Andrea and A.J., please report to Mr. Klutz’s office.”

  Uh-oh.

  “Oooooh,” said Ryan. “A.J. and Andrea are going to Mr. Klutz’s office together. They must be in love!”

  “When are you gonna get married?” asked Michael.

  Andrea and I walked a million hundred miles to Mr. Klutz’s office. When we got there, he was hanging upside down from the ceiling.

  “Why are you hanging upside down from the ceiling?” Andrea asked.

  “It helps me think,” Mr. Klutz replied. “Your brain works better after the blood has rushed to your head. You should try it.”

  Mr. Klutz is nuts. He climbed down and sat behind his desk.

  “Did we do something wrong?” I asked. Usually, I get called to the principal’s office when I did something wrong.

  “No, no, no,” Mr. Klutz replied. “Just the opposite. I’m so proud of you two. Win or lose, you’ll be representing our school. You’re going to be under a lot of pressure tomorrow night. The questions will be harder. There may be some trick questions too. I know you’re both going to give it your best shot.”

  I looked at Andrea. She had on her mean face.

  “What’s the matter, Andrea?” asked Mr. Klutz.

  “Arlo doesn’t know anything about the presidents,” she complained. “He’s not prepared, and he’s not even trying.”

  “I know lots of stuff about the presidents!” I said.

  “Oh, yeah,” Andrea said. “You know which president put a toilet in the White House. You know which president threw up on somebody. But that’s all you know. Arlo is going to bring our team down, Mr. Klutz.”

  “Hey, I didn’t want to do this in the first place,” I shouted. “I don’t want everybody to think I’m some kind of brainiac like you. All my friends are making fun of me. You know what? I quit! Do it yourself.”

  I went to open the door, but Mr. Klutz stood up and blocked me. He came and put his arms around me and Andrea.

  “Look,” he said gently. “You two kids have known each other for a long time.

  You were chosen to represent Ella Mentry School because you’re really smart. You’re both in the gifted and talented program. I need you to put aside your differences and work together as a team for the good of the school. Can you do that for one night?”

  “Okay,” Andrea and I replied softly.

  We walked a million hundred miles back to our classroom without saying anything. But Andrea seemed to cheer up just as we got to the door.

  “I have an idea, Arlo!” she said excitedly. “Why don’t you come over to my house after school today. We can be study buddies!”

  Study buddies? I didn’t want to be Andrea’s study buddy! I just hoped my friends didn’t hear her say that as we walked into the classroom.

  “Oooooh,” said Ryan. “A.J. and Andrea are going to be study buddies. They must be in love!”

  “When are you gonna get married?” asked Michael.*

  Finally, it was the big night. My mom made me get all dressed up in a jacket and tie. Ugh.

  “You look so handsome
!” she told me.

  I felt like I was going to a funeral. My own. As we drove to school, I started thinking—I don’t know anything about the presidents. Why do I have to represent the school?

  When we got to the all-porpoise room, the place was packed. All my friends and classmates were there, along with lots of kids and parents from Dirk School. Some of the kids were holding signs. Some were chanting.

  “Dirk! Dirk! Dirk!”

  There was electricity in the air.

  Well, not really. If there was electricity in the air, all of us would have been electrocuted.

  But everybody who was anybody was there. Dr. Carbles, the president of the board of education, was in the front row. So was Peter Porky, the owner of Porky’s Pork Sausages. He was sitting between Mayor Hubble and Mr. Wilson, the principal of Dirk School. Even Ella Mentry, the old lady our school was named after, was there.

  My parents wished me good luck and took the only seats that were left, in the back of the room. I walked down the middle aisle to get to the front. Lots of people took pictures and held out their hands for me to slap.

  “We’re counting on you, A.J.!”

  “Don’t let us down, A.J.!”

  “No pressure, A.J.!”

  “If we lose, it will be all your fault, A.J.!”

  “Just have fun, A.J.!”

  “You’d better win, A.J.!”

  I took a seat next to Andrea in the front row.

  “It’s about time you showed up, Arlo,” Andrea whispered. “I thought you were going to chicken out.”

  “No way,” I replied. “I’m in it to win it.”

  Mr. Peter Porky of Porky’s Pork Sausages climbed up on the stage. Everybody clapped.

  “Welcome, boys and girls, parents, teachers, and all our guests,” said Mr. Porky. “I will be the moderator of tonight’s Presidents’ Day Challenge and blah blah blah blah . . .”

  He went on for a million hundred minutes. Mostly, he talked about Porky’s Pork Sausages.

  “. . . and now I’d like to introduce the home team,” Mr. Porky said. “From Ella Mentry School . . . two third graders in the gifted and talented program . . . A.J. and Andrea!”

  “Ella Mentry! Ella Mentry! Ella Mentry!” our classmates chanted as we climbed on the stage and took seats at one of the two tables up there.

  “Dirk! Dirk! Dirk!” chanted the Dirk kids.

  “And from the visiting team at Dirk School,” said Mr. Porky, “I’d like to introduce two exceptional third graders . . . Tommy and Morgan!”

  Oh no, not Morgan Brocklebank! She’s the star of the Dirk School TV station. We competed against her in the Brain Games.* She is annoying.

  Morgan and Tommy climbed up onstage and took seats at the table next to us. The whole audience stood up and gave us a round of applause.

  “Well, well, well,” Morgan Brocklebank said to me while everybody was clapping. “We meet again. Are you two ready to lose?”

  “Your face is gonna lose!” I said, pointing my finger at her.

  “Oh, yeah?” Morgan Brocklebank replied. “I don’t think so. Tommy and I went to Washington to do research on the presidents. We know everything. I hope you two will have something to do while we’re having fun at DizzyLand.”

  “You’re going to LoserLand!” I told her.

  Meanwhile, that kid Tommy just sat there, picking his nose.

  “We’re going to crush you!” said Morgan Brocklebank. “This is going to be a cakewalk.”

  What did cake have to do with it? Why is everybody always talking about cake?

  Finally, the audience sat down in their seats. It was time to start the Presidents’ Day Challenge.

  I was nervous. Suddenly, I felt my mind going blank. I forgot everything I learned over the last week. Who was the first president? I couldn’t remember his name. I only remembered that it had something to do with laundry. George Detergenton? I was all sweaty.

  I thought I was gonna die.

  “Let’s go over the rules,” said Mr. Porky. “I will ask each team a question blah blah blah blah ten seconds to answer blah blah blah blah one point for each correct answer blah blah blah blah then a lightning round blah blah blah blah and one final question for both teams blah blah blah blah. There may be a few trick questions in there too, so stay on your toes.”

  Why should we stay on our toes? That made no sense at all. I was going to sit on a chair like everybody else.

  “Before we begin round one,” continued Mr. Porky, “please join me in singing the Porky’s Pork Sausage jingle.”

  Two fifth graders from our school orchestra came up on the stage with violins. They played while Peter Porky sang . . .

  Porky’s Pork Sausages

  The best sausages in the land.

  Porky’s Pork Sausages

  You can eat them with your hands

  What a dumb song.

  “I don’t approve of these violins,” I whispered to Andrea.

  “Quiet, Arlo.”

  I looked over at that doofus Tommy. He was still picking his nose.

  “Okay, let’s get started with round one,” said Mr. Porky, reaching into his pocket. “I’ll flip a coin to see which school goes first. Call it!”

  “Heads!” I shouted as Mr. Porky flipped the coin.

  “Heads, it is,” said Mr. Porky. “Ella Mentry School gets the first question. Is everybody ready?”

  “Ready!” Andrea and I shouted.

  “Ready!” Morgan and Tommy shouted.

  “Okay,” said Mr. Porky. “Which president had a pet raccoon that would roam around the White House?”

  What? I didn’t know that. Why would anybody know that? I looked at Andrea. She shrugged her shoulders.

  “I’ll give you a hint,” said Mr. Porky. “The raccoon’s name was Rebecca.”

  “Calvin Coolidge!” shouted Andrea.

  “That’s right!” said Mr. Porky. “One point for the Ella Mentry team.”

  Everybody cheered. Andrea smiled the smile that she smiles to let everybody know she knows something nobody else knows. I leaned over to her.

  “Wait a second,” I whispered. “You didn’t know which president had a raccoon, but you knew the name of the raccoon?”

  “Yes!” Andrea whispered back.

  That was weird.

  “The next question is for Dirk School,” said Mr. Porky. “Name two presidents who signed the Declaration of Independence.”

  Morgan and Tommy whispered to each other for a few seconds.

  “John Adams and Thomas Jefferson,” Morgan said.

  “Correct!” said Mr. Porky. “The score is one to one.”

  Wow. Those Dirk dorks are smart.

  “The next question is for Ella Mentry,” said Mr. Porky. “Fifty-seven people signed the Declaration of Independence. How many of them were women?”

  I had no idea.

  “It’s a trick question!” Andrea shouted. “None of them were women! And it’s not fair!”

  “Right!” shouted Mr. Porky. “Very good, Andrea. The score is two to one. The next question is for Dirk. Name two presidents who signed the Constitution.”

  Morgan and Tommy whispered to each other.

  “George Washington and James Madison,” shouted Morgan.

  “Correct!” said Mr. Porky. “It’s all tied up at two to two. Isn’t this exciting? Ella Mentry, which president grew up on a peanut farm?”

  I had no idea.

  “Jimmy Carter!” shouted Andrea. She is really smart.

  “Right!” said Mr. Porky. “Three to two now. Dirk, who was the first president to ride in an airplane?”

  “See?” Andrea whispered in my ear. “I told you they might ask that question.”

  “Teddy Roosevelt!” shouted Morgan Brocklebank.

  “That’s right!” said Mr. Porky. “It’s now tied at three to three. Ella Mentry, Thomas Jefferson and John Adams did not sign the Constitution. Why not?”

  I had no idea. I looked over at Andrea.
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br />   “What are you looking at me for?” she whispered.

  “I thought you knew everything,” I whispered back.

  “Well, I don’t! It would help if you knew anything!”

  “Maybe those guys were in the bathroom when the other guys were signing the Constitution,” I whispered.

  “Don’t you dare say that, Arlo!” Andrea whispered.

  A buzzer rang.

  “Time’s up,” said Mr. Porky. “They didn’t sign the Constitution because they were overseas at the time! Thomas Jefferson was representing the United States in France, and John Adams was doing the same thing in England.”

  “Ohhhhhhh,” the audience groaned.

  “I should have known that!” Andrea said, slamming her fist against the table.

  “It’s still tied up at three points each,” said Mr. Porky. “Dirk School, who was the first president to have electricity in the White House?”

  “Benjamin Harrison!” shouted Morgan Brocklebank.

  “Correct!” said Mr. Porky. “The score is now four to three in favor of Dirk. Ella Mentry, you can tie it up again. Only one of our presidents was born on the Fourth of July. Who was it?”

  I had no idea. Andrea didn’t look very sure of herself.

  “Grover Cleveland?” she finally answered.

  “No, sorry,” said Mr. Porky. “The correct answer is Calvin Coolidge.”

  “Ohhhhhhh,” the audience groaned.

  That was the end of round one. Dirk was leading, four to three. Andrea looked mad. But there was still plenty of time for us to catch up.

  “Okay,” said Mr. Porky. “Round two will be the lightning round.”

  “We’re going to get struck by lightning?” I asked. Everybody laughed even though I didn’t say anything funny. Andrea rolled her eyes and slapped her own forehead.

  “This is going to go fast,” said Mr. Porky. “You only get five seconds to answer each question, and each question is worth two points. I’ll tally up the points at the end.”

  Andrea leaned over to me.

  “Arlo, you’ve got to get your act together!” she whispered. “You haven’t answered any questions.”