Steel Me Away

by Vivian Lux

  Emmy

  "No."

  I had lost track of how many times I had said that word in the past hour. I had said it so many times it had begun to lose all meaning. No I won't go back with you. No I will not marry you. No you cannot force me back into your life.

  No, Mom, No, Dad. No, Robert. No no no no no.

  My mother poured iced tea into sweating tumblers. As if he was an honored guest. I was somewhere outside of myself, watching from on high as Robert dimpled his way into my mother's affections. I saw the same political pressing of the flesh, the glad-handing schmoozer who sailed through Philadelphia society like a prince on his Grand Tour. He was pulling out all of the stops, but he wasn’t aware of the flaw in his plan. I could see right through him.

  As I watched him flashing his brilliant teeth, I saw a stranger, and I wondered how I could have ever loved him. The reptilian gleam of his calculating eyes should have been my first hint of the evil that lurked underneath. But the brilliance of the blue was what blinded us. Even my father seemed to sit up straighter. He offered Robert a drink from his treasured rum bottle.

  "I loved Emilia from the moment I saw her," Robert was explaining to my beaming mother. Her eyes were bright as she listened raptly. "And no one knows better than we do that sometimes she makes rash decisions. You know what I mean, right Mrs. Hawthorne?"

  "Oh she can be so flighty, it's true," my mother trilled.

  "No," I repeated softly. But only Andy heard me. He was hovering near the doorway, stalking back and forth like he wanted to leap into the center of the room. I shot him a desperate look.

  "Emilia, where are your manners?" My mother smacked me in the thigh. I was squished next to her on the new, pinstriped couch, my thighs smooshed between hers and my father's. Robert had asked me a question from his perch on high in the easy chair. He regarded us as a king receiving his subjects.

  "It's alright Mrs. Hawthorne. I know she's upset. Emilia," he bent forward, placing his elbows casually on his knees. Only I could see the fury shaking in his hands. "Emilia, my sweet girl. We need each other. You know how I get when you're not there for me."

  My stomach gave a sour lurch. "Yes Robert. I know how you get." There was still a faint pain, deep in my center, to remind me. "You get violent."

  He sat back and for one minute his eyes showed the truth of what he was. He struggled to master himself, as I wondered why no one else could see what I saw. The silence stretched out long and interminable and I knew he was trying to break me. His nostrils flaring with the slow, sharp intake of his breath.

  No backing down, Emilia. My hands fluttered uselessly before I got them back under control. I ached to fill the silence. Andy's footfall sounded heavily in the hallway and then the front door slammed. I squirmed to move, but my parents hemmed me in. The beginnings of claustrophobia started clawing at my throat.

  "Let's not exaggerate, Emilia," Robert finally said. His voice was cold and flat and slightly singsong. "We both have tempers."

  "No."

  "You share some of the blame for what happened." Prodding at me like a parent prompting a naughty child.

  "What happened?" My mother rose to the bait.

  "No." I said it again, but knew there was no stopping him.

  "Well, Mrs. Hawthorne," he dragged the words out like he was speaking them reluctantly. He cast his eyes down to the brown carpet as if the weight of what he was going to reveal was too much for him. "I guess she hadn't told you of her infidelity?"

  My mother gasped. My father made a deep threatening noise. The claustrophobia closed around my throat and I started to panic.

  "It isn't infidelity if I broke up with you, Robert," I shouted wildly. "I left you. Let me go!" I couldn't keep the begging note out of my voice.

  But he wasn't paying attention to me anymore. Like obedient children, we all looked where he was looking. "Excuse me please," he said airily and strode over to where Officer Wilkens was standing. I saw the guard mime a phone call and point outside, but couldn't make sense of what he was indicating. "Just take care of it," I heard Robert mutter tightly. Officer Wilkens nodded and headed back out the front door. I heard a car start and wondered what errand Robert had sent him on. I dully wondered how much he was paying him.

  "Did you need anything?" My mother simpered as Robert stood in the hallway, chewing thoughtfully on his cheek.

  The sound of his reply was drowned out in the storm of indignation that raged in my head. My newfound fighting spirit clashed with my eagerness to please and I disappeared inside myself to fight the battle in my head. The passing of time lost its meaning. I diminished until I was nothing more than a pinpoint. There was a patch of light on the carpet and I stared at it fixedly while my inner war raged.

  Just say what he wants to hear! Just be good and do what they want! It doesn't matter anymore. You've lost. You shouldn't have been fighting to begin with.

  Shut up! I screamed inwardly. The patch of light moved across the floor, narrowing and narrowing until there was nothing left and darkness fell. I felt like I had been on this couch my entire life. For as much attention as everyone paid me, I may as well have just been a ghost.

  When the patch of light was gone, it felt as if my hope was too. It's over. Give in. Fighting is too hard. It's easier this way.

  Chapter 29

  Emmy

  I was exhausted, but Robert was indefatigable. "You made a mistake and I forgave you, Emilia. It was very difficult, but I was willing to let it go in the face of the future I want with you. Think of our future."

  It was a tactic I knew was one of his favorites. Drown everything out in a torrent of words.

  "You're too good to her, really." My mother poked me in the arm. "Emilia, how could you? I raised you better than to be a cheater."

  I closed my eyes and tried to find her. The fighter I was. The fighter I could be. "Stop, Mom." I shook my head. "Please just stop, you don't know what you're talking about." I pressed my fingers to my temples and exhaled, trying to fight the weight pressing down on my shoulders.

  "I think I do, young lady. I've been married to your father for twenty-four years and never once has it occurred to me to step out on my vows."

  "I'm not married."

  "Engaged."

  "It's not the same thing. And I broke it off."

  "Not the first time," Robert shook his head sadly.

  "The first time?" my mother squawked. "You mean you did this more than once?"

  "I'm afraid so, Mrs. Hawthorne. It's killing me to say this." The gleam in his eye said otherwise.

  "So you're a cheap slut now," she sat back heavily in the couch.

  "Mom...."

  Heavy footfall sounded on the porch. I heard the squeak of the door hinge. Andy came thundering around from the garage, but the sight of Officer Wilkens brought him up short. He looked surprised, like he had expected someone else.

  Officer Wilkens cleared his throat. "Excuse me everyone. I just wanted to let Mr. Whiteside know that everything is taken care of." He nodded subserviently and left to go resume standing in the rain.

  Andy gave a derisive snort. "Rich prick," he muttered, loud enough for us to hear.

  "Andrew!" My mother sounded mortified. "What the hell are you up to, running around the house like this? Come in here and say hello to your brother-in-law."

  My brother. My wonderful, scrappy, mouthy little brother just looked stone-faced at Robert's diplomatic grin. "No fucking way, asshole," he snarled. And he whirled up the staircase in yet another thunder of footsteps.

  Shifting and shimmying, I slid from the couch and freed myself. "I'm done here," I announced and turned to leave.

  I would call Sammie. Right now. It was only three hours to here from her parents' place. I could hole myself up in my room until she got here.

  But instead I thought of J. My wistful memory of waking up in his arms slowed my exit, giving Robert exactly the opening he needed.

  "Mr. and Mrs. Hawthorne, will you please excuse us fo
r a moment? I need to talk to my future wife privately."

  They sprang obediently to their feet, completely under his spell. "Emilia..." my mother shook her head. "I can't believe you. I'm so disappointed." Her martyred expression weighed me down even further. I lifted my hand to clutch her, but it weighed a thousand pounds. She slipped away before I could make her understand.

  "Thank you," Robert stepped in to the space between us. The minute his back was to them, his expression changed. Those cold eyes gleamed at me, the deep dark brows knitted together.

  My old fear remembered what was going to happen to me now. I threw up my hands and braced for the blow. Instead he knocked them to the side and crashed his lips into mine. I squirmed and tried to pull away, but his grip on my arms was iron. He dug his fingers painfully into my skin. I twisted away, pressing my lips tightly together. I knew he would love it if I cried out in pain.

  He forced my lips open with a slimy stab of his tongue, pushing the sour taste of him into my throat. Snaking a hand under my T-shirt, he backed us both up until I fell onto the couch, his heavy weight crushing the breath from my body.

  "Went too easy on you last time," he breathed in my ear. I could hear my parents' voices in the kitchen. I inhaled to scream for them, and his hand closed around my throat, choking the words from my lips. I could only cough as he squeezed tighter. "Think you can hit me, you fat slut? Think you can lay a hand on me?" I heard the jingling of his belt and tried to scream again, but it only ended in a choked gasp. He slammed my head into the couch. "Even if you do scream, you think they're gonna care? Your parents see you for what you are. They know you're just a fat whore and can't wait to be rid of you." With his hand still around my throat, he unzipped my jeans. "Get you back under me where you belong."

  I bucked and thrashed with the last vestiges of breath in my lungs. My wild flailing connected solidly against his ribs and for a moment I could breathe. He swore as I gasped to scream and lunged for me, closing his fists tighter around my throat. I felt his hard organ attempting to invade me and twisted myself away.

  "Fucking bitch," he snarled and squeezed tighter. I knew then that he meant to kill me. Right there in the living room of the house I grew up in, only feet away from my parents. They had no idea that their only daughter was dying on the new sofa on the other side of the wall.

  I made a strangled, whispering noise, yanking at his hands, but every exertion robbed me of precious oxygen. I could see stars, the edges of my sight dimmed. Blackness crowded in to claim me.

  Chapter 30

  Emmy

  And then I was free and gasping. With a half whoop, half sob, I gulped the precious air back into my lungs and started coughing.

  "Get the fuck off of my sister!"

  Andy gave Robert another shove and he stumbled, catching his balance on the beat up old piano with a crashing, discordant chord. He quickly shoved his hand into his pants, hiding the evidence of what he was attempting. I tried to scream that he was raping me, but could only cough and gasp.

  Robert pushed himself up to his feet just as my parents appeared at the doorway.

  "Get out of here!" Andy was not a trained fighter, but he was scrappy and wily. He lashed out with a vicious kick to Robert's shinbone that connected with a loud crack.

  "Andrew!" My mother sounded mortified.

  "Mom, shut the fuck up! He was hurting Emmy, look!"

  My mother finally noticed me gasping on the couch. I could feel the red welts burning out in an incriminating circle around my neck. She must have seen them, because her mouth fell open. "I don't...."

  "Get the fuck out of here!" Andy shoved Robert again.

  Robert stumbled, then drew himself up to his full height. "This is none of your business," he drawled. "You think you saw something you didn't."

  I choked and found my voice. "No, he saw it," I croaked. My voice was harsh and screeching. "You're a liar, Robert. You tried to kill me."

  My mother turned slowly between us, her mouth a perfect 'O' of dawning realization. "Robert," she said slowly and almost reluctantly. "I think you had better go."

  "You need to leave my house," my father echoed. His rum soaked voice wavered slightly; his eyes were watery and unfocused. He looked confused, like he was about to cry.

  "Out." Andy made to shove Robert again, but Robert stepped lightly backwards and my brother stumbled.

  Robert caught him by the wrist and yanked him upright, smiling down at him smugly. "Careful now."

  Andy yanked his wrist back and wound up to punch Robert in the face. I shot off the couch, "Andy don't!" I half screamed, half croaked. "He's got friends. You'll go to jail."

  "Listen to your sister," Robert smiled.

  "Get out of here," my brother spat.

  Robert turned with an arrogant grin and walked to the door. He paused at the stoop, with one foot on the porch. "Goodbye Hawthornes," he sighed. "I tried to help Emilia get rid of her white-trash beginning, but it was too strong. Now I see where she got it from."

  "Fuck off!" Andy shouted. He ran at Robert with his arms straight out and caught him hard in the chest. Robert flew backwards through the doorway and landed hard on his ass on the porch. Andy stepped out over him in the rain.

  "Joey!" Robert shouted.

  My heart started pounding before my brain registered what it had heard. I rounded the corner to the doorway, just in time to see my brother felled by a giant fist as Robert looked upward smugly.

  Officer Wilkens' first name was Joey.

  "Andy!" "Stop it!" My mother and I both screamed at once.

  Andy sprang back to his feet, his eyes wild with rage and hurt. With a guttural yell, he launched himself at the guard. Momentarily taken aback by the fury of the attack, Joey lost his balance. The two of them toppled off the side of the porch, landing heavily on the wet, slippery grass.

  But my street fighting brother was no match for a former police officer. Joey rolled deftly and leapt back to his feet before Andy could right himself in the mud.

  "No!" I shrieked as Joey's boot connected with Andy's side. "Robert! Stop him!"

  "Why?" Robert seemed genuinely curious.

  My tears were mixing with the rain. "If you ever loved me, stop hurting him brother."

  "He attacked me," Robert explained patiently. I heard my brother scream in pain. My mother cried out in horror. I felt my insides twist.

  "Did you ever love me?" I pleaded.

  He looked down at me. His eyes flicked over my body possessively and I wanted to shrink away. But I knew how to appease him. Only I could stop this. Only I could save my brother and draw this maniac away from my family. "Whatever you want," I heard myself say. "If you stop him from hurting my brother, I'll do whatever you want."

  The gleam in his eye made me want to vomit. He licked his lips and closed his hand tightly around my arm. I winced as his fingers found the already formed bruises. The ring of fire around my neck blazed painfully. "Joey!" he called, raising a fist of triumph.

  My brother was on the ground, curled into a ball, his arms flung protectively over his head. Officer Wilkens cracked his knuckles and looked disappointed, but stepped obediently back.

  "Come with me, Emilia." Robert tugged my arm. "We'll talk this through."

  "Emmy..." My mother's whisper was a faint as the whisper of wings of a butterfly.

  "I have to," I realized. And I let him lead me.

  We walked slowly to the car. Each step carried me back into the past. My heavy feet scraped the gravel below legs that felt like tree trunks.

  Nothing had changed. My brief taste of true love was ashes in my mouth. I had left J. without saying goodbye. I would never see him again.

  The tears came fast and flowing as we crossed the damp, dark lawn. Robert led me towards the car, now parked at a crazy angle at the end of the long driveway. The black, hulking shape seemed to move and waver in front of my tear-filled eyes. It undulated, and then a part of the blackness detached itself from the car and lurched forward. The sh
ape of a man, dressed in black riding leathers. The emerald shards in his eyes snapped cold fire in the porchlight's weak glow.

  "Emmy," J. rasped.

  Chapter 31

  Emmy

  Robert stood motionless for a moment, giving me just the time I needed to yank my arm free and run to the man I loved. I caught him in my arms just as he stumbled forward and struggled to hold him upright. "J.! What happened?" His head fell forward onto my shoulder and I wrapped my hands tightly around his waist, half to hold him, half to know that he was real and warm and back in my arms. "How did you get here?"

  He moaned into my neck. I pressed my cheek to his forehead and peered down at him. His face was contorted into a grimace. He leaned heavily on me, favoring his left leg. In his left hand he held a helmet, horribly scraped and battered.

  I felt sick at the realization of what this meant and I looked around for a sign of his bike. "How did you get here?" I repeated. "How did you know?"

  He sucked in a deep breath and smiled, but didn't answer. He just tucked a loose, damp strand of hair behind my ear. I closed my eyes and exhaled at his touch. With one slight brush of his finger, he could erase all of the horror of the past hours. I felt the tears rise up inside of me. I wanted to collapse against him and let him hold me. His arms would keep the terror at bay.

  But the terror wasn't over. "How touching." Robert's sarcastic voice behind us cut through me like a knife and I shuddered.

  J. raised his head from my shoulder and I saw his expression change. The weak light wasn't weak enough to hide the shadow that crossed his face. He steadied me, checking to make sure I was standing. Then he stepped back and I saw the fury that he had been holding inside rise up and out from him. "Got a piece of advice for you, asshole," he called.

  "And what is that?"

  J. stepped forward. "You send someone to kill me, they better make damn well sure I'm dead."

  My stomach dropped and I gasped in horror. For a moment the world swam before my eyes. I reached wildly for anything to hold on to and my hand found J.'s arm. With one hand he steadied me, while he raised the other in Robert's direction. "You want me gone?" he continued. "You want me out of Emmy's life? You fucking take me out of it yourself."