The Ultimate Choice

by Emma Darcy

  Having achieved this awkward task, she raced into the house, eager to hear some answers from her grandfather. She headed straight for the kitchen where he and Judge Moffat invariably sat over the table when they weren't playing chess.

  It was a huge country kitchen, but not so countrified that it was used to house animals. Kelly came to a dead halt when she saw who was occupying the floor space between the stove and the table.

  There was no mistaking his identity. He stood there with the imperious air of an emperor of his breed, clothed in the finest fleece of the whole world, the distinctive curled horns adding their unique flair to the narrow, aristocratic face; the supreme sire-Octavian Augustus the Fourth!

  Kelly no longer had to be told the reason for the furore up at Marian Park. Nor for whom the search was being made. Nor why it was in the national interest that Octavian Augustus the Fourth be found without there being the slightest whisper of publicity.

  He was the greatest sheep sire in the world!

  But what the prize ram was doing in her kitchen was a question that sent chills down Kelly's spine. She felt a rising surge of hysteria which had to be ruthlessly suppressed.

  It took a concentrated effort to tear her eyes off the ram and look at her grandfather.

  His expression was decidedly shifty.

  She turned her gaze on Judge Moffat. His large, florid face was not as highly coloured as usual.

  'Judge,' she whispered, 'you didn't do it.'

  An air of guilt hung heavily over both men.

  She dragged in a deep breath.

  'Kelly…' her grandfather began softly. 'Things haven't worked out quite as we expected. We were only being patriotic! That's exactly how it was. Isn't it, Judge?'

  'Exactly!' the judge said decisively. 'Honour and country. They come first. We didn't think…'

  'We thought if we took Octavian Augustus the Fourth…'

  'Grandpa, the whole place is crawling with federal police and army helicopters!' Kelly cried, appalled that they could be so foolish as to think there wouldn't be dire consequences.

  Her grandfather tried to defend himself. 'You took Rasputin…'

  A horse that virtually belonged to her was one thing; a ram that was coveted by all the sheep- raising nations of the world was entirely something else! Kelly shook her head in despair. 'You men have no sense of proportion at all.'

  Her grandfather still argued. 'We thought we had it planned right. The judge was going to take him home in the horse-float…'

  'They'll check!' Kelly shrilled at him. 'They'll check everything. They even checked me coming in!'

  The judge sighed. 'We suspected that. We'll have to think of something else, Michael. Having started this, we're not going to lose now.'

  'We have to keep him a couple of weeks, Kelly,' her grandfather said with blustering conviction. 'Until Justin St John capitulates. We never thought there would be this amount of trouble. But you must see we've got to win now.' His eyes brightened in challenge. 'There's been more excitement around here than I've seen in a long time.'

  'Never had this kind of fun when I was sitting on the bench,' the judge said in support.

  Despite their bravado, Kelly sensed the underlying unease, the fear of having stepped out of their depth and pulled down forces that could very well wreak vengeance on them before the night was out.

  'It wasn't Justin St John who called in the army and the SAS. He was down at Dapto with me,' she said in instinctive defence of the man who had conceded so much to her.

  Her grandfather looked confused for a moment, then asked, 'He was there? Did you win?'

  'Yes. And yes. Not that it matters now,' Kelly said impatiently. 'What we've got to do is figure out what's to be done about Octavian Augustus the Fourth. The longer we leave it, Grandpa, the worse it'll get. It must be costing a fortune to have all those men out there searching for what we've got right here.'

  'If the worst comes to the worst, we can keep him here for a couple of weeks. They'll never think of looking in this kitchen for him,' the judge said hopefully.

  'We've got to beat him, Kelly,' her grandfather pleaded.

  'We've got to win,' the judge said with a hint of desperation.

  A heavy silence descended on the group.

  Kelly understood all too well what her grandfather and Judge Moffat were feeling. It was a matter of pride and principle not to give up, yet their goal was now clearly impossible. It was no longer a simple matter between them and Justin St John. The whole thing had escalated far beyond that.

  And what was Justin feeling? She had rejected him, hurt him, and he had come home to find the king-pin of his sheep-stud missing. Injury on top of injury. Inflicted by both herself and her grandfather… after all he had done for them! It wasn't fair!

  'I'll have to go to him,' she said with urgent intensity. 'Even if he doesn't understand, I've got to go to him.'

  The two old men stared up at her in bewilderment.

  'Go to whom?' her grandfather asked.

  'Justin St John, of course,' Kelly answered tersely.

  'Why should you do that?' the judge asked. 'We'll beat him. However we do it,' he insisted stubbornly.

  'All we've got to do is stick together,' her grandfather staunchly declared.

  Kelly supposed it was remotely possible. The Crooked Creek community was close-knit, loyal to each other, ready to stand up for their own through thick and thin. But if they managed to secrete Octavian Augustus the Fourth away, they would never be able to give him back. Not openly. And not for any bargaining, either. And that wasn't fair.

  For the first time in her life, Kelly felt at cross purposes with the spirit of Crooked Creek. She didn't want Grandpa and the judge to win. The change that was taking place inside her was too profound to comprehend very easily, but she knew Justin St John was responsible for it. She hadn't meant to hurt him this afternoon, and she couldn't bear for him to be hurt any more.

  On the other hand, something had to be done about Grandpa and Judge Moffat, too. Somehow she had to safeguard them from any punishment for their folly. They hadn't really meant any harm.

  If Justin still wanted her, she did have something to offer… something to bargain with. Would he still want to marry her?

  Kelly drew in a deep breath to counteract the quantum leap of inner agitation and spoke as persuasively as she could. 'Mr St John was very generous to me this afternoon.' She flushed at the evasion of the full truth. 'He listened to me about the lambs, Grandpa. If I can get him to listen to me again…' She sighed at the enormity of that task alone. 'What else can be done?'

  The two men shook their heads. They were not impressed by the idea of her interceding for them. But they were unable to come up with any alternative suggestions that might get them out of trouble. They stared down at Octavian Augustus the Fourth. The ram stared back in royal disdain of the whole affair. The beat of the helicopter overhead reminded them that each minute passing was an extra indictment against them.

  'It might help, Judge,' Michael O'Reilly said gravely. 'Kelly's got a way with her.'

  'Anything's worth a try,' the judge nodded. 'Not that I expect any success.'

  'It's the only thing that's fair now,' Kelly said. She was nervously aware that the kind of petitioning she was about to do needed every advantage she could think of. 'I'm going to shower and change,' she said, cementing the decision.

  Nevertheless, uncertainties churned through her as she stripped off her riding clothes and hurried into the bathroom. She remembered Justin's pride. He wouldn't have her marry him because of the horses. How would he react to an offer to marry him because of a ram?

  She felt faint at the thought that he might very well spurn her. And his anger might then rebound on her grandfather and the judge.

  But what else could she do? If her grandfather was sent to gaol, it would kill him. And the judge and Arlene Moffat would suffer such dreadful humiliation if they were caught in what they had done.

  Kelly had t
o save them if she could. The only power she had over Justin St John was the power of her attraction to him. He did want her. She was certain of that. But, if he scorned to marry her, what could she do then?

  Her heart beat more rapidly as she realised the full import of what she was thinking.

  But it wasn't really like that! Kelly frantically argued the point over with herself. It wasn't as if Justin St John meant nothing to her. And he certainly wasn't repulsive to her.

  He had spoken the truth this afternoon. If they had been somewhere else, somewhere private, she wouldn't have stopped him from making love to her. Because that was what she wanted. She had excused herself before with the tenuous argument that it was in the heat of the moment. But that wasn't the full truth. Self-honesty demanded she face it.

  A shiver ran over Kelly's skin as she stepped from the shower. She dried herself vigorously with a towel in a futile attempt to wipe away her physical self- consciousness. It was impossible. Her body played traitor, remembering the sensations, the wanton desire that Justin St John had aroused. The moral dilemma in her conscience exploded into nothingness with the full blast of self-revelation.

  She wanted Justin St John. She wanted to live with him, to sleep with him, to love him, to have his children, to please him and to take her pleasure from him. And damn everything else! Whatever the age difference, however much he tried to reject what she could give him, she would be her own woman! Together with him, joined in love, it had to be right. He wanted it as much as she did.

  She and Justin could overcome anything. Go on forever. They were soul-mates. Hadn't she felt it from the beginning? Something bound them together, and it would always be so… had to be so…across the total span of time.

  CHAPTER ELEVEN

  The walk up to Marian Park seemed longer than Kelly had ever remembered it. But she needed the time to think and bring her emotions under control. She had no problem passing through the cordon of men surrounding the property. What would happen when she reached the house became her main concern.

  She tried to swallow her apprehension and devise some plan. If Justin didn't want to see her, what was she going to do? And if he did see her, the same question had to be answered. What was the best way to go about it? The closer she got to the house, the more daunting her task seemed to become.

  This was going to be very much an ad hoc affair. She would have to float with the tide, see where it was taking her, adjust to whatever circumstances arose and seize any advantage she could. Her heart pounded one refrain over and over again, drowning out everything else. This afternoon she had been a fool. She had to reach Justin and never let him go again!

  Roy Farley was in conversation with a number of hard-faced officials at the front steps of the house. He frowned at her appearance, but the way his eyes rolled over the curves of her body was more than flattering. Kelly hoped that the embroidered camisole top that she had teamed with her best white slacks was not too revealing of her intentions.

  'Can I do anything for you, Miss Hanrahan?' Roy Farley asked. His manner was distinctly wary.

  'I wish to see Mr St John,' she replied, her eyes challenging him with determined purpose. 'I know he must be very busy, but this is important.'

  He hesitated, frowned again, and finally shrugged. 'He's in the drawing-room. Do you want me to announce your arrival?'

  'It's all right. I can do that myself,' Kelly returned quickly, not wanting Justin to have any advance warning.

  She hurried up the steps before Roy Farley could have second thoughts. Both the front doors stood open. Only the foyer to cross. Nothing could stop her now. It had all been much easier than she had anticipated. She prayed that Justin was alone. But even if he wasn't, he couldn't refuse to see her when she was right in front of him.

  One of the doors into the drawing-room was slightly ajar. Kelly pushed it open without knocking. Her sense of urgency was too overwhelming for such niceties to mean anything. She stood in the doorway, her eyes seeking and finding Justin instantly.

  He was seated on the sofa that faced the fireplace. His body was in a pose of total relaxation: legs stretched out in front of him, his head slumped back against the cushions, a drink of some kind nursed in one hand. He had not heard the door being opened. Nor did he sense Kelly's presence. He was staring at Noni's portrait. And the expression on his face…

  The purpose that had driven Kelly here-to this place and this man and this moment in time- quivered into uncertainty as a tidal wave of insight crashed through her mind.

  Noni…

  The sadness etched deep into every line of Justin's face, and his eyes-the naked look of yearning for something forever lost, of hunger that could never be satisfied…

  The revelation shook Kelly to the depths of her being as she tried to fathom all its implications.

  Justin had loved Noni. Kelly was sure of it. It answered so much that she hadn't understood. Justin's unreasonable prejudice against show- jumping, his aversion to Rasputin-a black stallion-the kind that Noni had ridden, to her death.

  It was why he had bought Marian Park and changed nothing, neither the staff nor the furnishings or anything else; nothing but the show- jumping.

  Noni and Justin-they had been the same age; Justin playing polo-their interests locked in similar pursuits; Noni so beautiful-Justin so devastatingly attractive. They had shared so much sixteen years ago.

  And Kelly a child-a child so young that to Justin she had only been remembered as Michael O'Reilly's granddaughter.

  The years pressed down on her like a suffocating weight. Justin had lived and loved and known it all before Kelly had barely begun her life. And yet that didn't make what she felt for him any less real. Nor what he felt for her. The past was the past. They had to grasp the present and make the future!

  Kelly trembled slightly from the force of mind she had to exert in order to quell her uncertainties. She slowly shut the door behind her.

  Justin's head snapped around. The next instant he was on his feet, his body tense, his gaze raking her, taking in every detail of her appearance before looking her straight in the face. The glitter in his eyes radiated a bitter cynicism.

  'What do you want?'

  She flushed at the mocking taunt, but refused to let it sway her. 'I've changed my mind, Justin. I didn't know it this afternoon. But now I do.'

  His mouth curled. 'You've had time to think of all I can offer you. You disappoint me, Kelly. I preferred it when you were honest and said "no".'

  'That's a terrible thing to say!' Kelly cried, hurt by his accusation. 'I might be a fool for not recognising my own feelings, but I've always played straight with you.'

  'You mean that you haven't thought of the wealth and the position I can give you, Kelly?' he said sardonically.

  She slowly shook her head. 'I thought only of us.'

  He stared at her and Kelly held his gaze with unflinching directness, compelling him to accept her sincerity. And for several moments only she and he existed, with the future a shimmering mirage of possibilities between them. Then, with a flicker of regret, his eyes wavered away from the promise in hers.

  'I've had time to think, too,' he said wearily.

  'Of Noni?' No more secrets, Kelly thought savagely. Let everything come out into the open where I can fight it. 'You loved her, didn't you?'

  His face tightened. Kelly could feel him closing himself off from her, and almost panicked. Had she been too blunt? Was it foolish to remind him of someone else when she desperately wanted him to concentrate on her… on them… the togetherness they could have?

  Minutes seemed to drag by. Kelly didn't think Justin was going to answer her. She almost didn't want him to. Yet his very silence was a wedge between them, making any true understanding impossible to reach.

  Finally he spoke with cold, hard deliberation. 'Yes, I loved Noni Lloyd. With all the passion that a man is capable of. I couldn't replace her.'

  A terrible hollowness burrowed through Kelly's heart. Tears of sadn
ess blurred her eyes: sadness for herself, for Justin, for Noni… for the hopelessness of it all.

  'No matter how much you wanted me to be her, I couldn't,' she said in anguished despair. 'I'll always be me.'

  It seemed to jolt him. His expression darkened. 'Is that what you think I want?'

  Kelly's mind whirled again, grasping wildly at threads of hope. 'I don't know what you want. But you can't say you don't feel passion with me, because it is there. I'm not mistaken about that.'

  He gave a harsh, contemptuous laugh. Words exploded from his lips. 'Passion? You have no idea of the passion that has been driving me.'

  'I want you to tell me!' Kelly challenged fiercely, driven to the edge of desperation by his seemingly callous dismissal. 'Tell me what you feel! This afternoon you said we had something special. You know we do. And I want you to tell me I'm not making some dreadful mistake!'

  She started walking towards him, her hands stretched out in appeal, her heart thumping with the need to reach into him, claim him as her own. 'However much you try to hide from me, there's a bond that ties us together. I don't know why it is, but I feel it. It's your life and my life…intertwined.'

  His face drained of all colour and his fingers dug into her shoulders, keeping her at arm's length. 'You feel that?' he demanded hoarsely. 'You really feel that?'

  'Yes.'

  His eyes probed hers, incredulous… pained… 'You know who I am?'

  The question was strained through a gamut of emotions that made no sense to Kelly. 'Of course,' she answered.

  'You remember me?'

  The tortured, haunted look in his eyes frightened her. 'No… no…' she choked out. 'What do you mean?'

  The coiled tension in him eased. He shut his eyes, expelled a long, shuddering breath, then opened his eyes to glittering slits. 'You don't know,' he said accusingly, and released her, his hands falling to his sides as he turned and walked over to the fireplace.