Shame on It All

by Zane

  “Harmony, you bitch!”

  Harmony glared at Javon and clucked her tongue. “Javon, don’t make me get up off this couch and hurt you.”

  “I’d like to see you try.”

  “You have one more time to call me the B-word and it’s on,” Harmony spewed at him.

  Fatima slapped Javon on the forearm to draw his attention back to her. “Javon, this isn’t even about Harmony. This is about you. I looked the other way for years while you were out gallivanting with skank hoe after skank hoe. Not anymore. It’s over. I’m taking my life back. I’m going to…” Fatima waved her hand in Harmony’s direction, like she was trying to recall something important. “What was that word you used earlier, Harmony?”

  “Reinvent.” Harmony giggled.

  “Yes, that’s it.” Fatima turned the television back on and gave Javon a look that let him know he better not even consider turning it off again. “I’m going to reinvent myself and find me a real man.”

  “I am a real man, Fatima,” Javon said, trying to sound convincing. “I never cheated on you before that night with Harmony. I swear.”

  “Save it!” Fatima sat back down next to Harmony on the sofa. “I was a fool, but not one moment longer. I knew you were cheating on me years ago. At least, I knew you had the trait. I tried to convince myself that I could change you. That my love was so strong, you wouldn’t dare stray from home, from the comfort zone, because you would be afraid of losing me. What a crock!”

  “I am afraid of losing you. I’m terrified.”

  Harmony shook her head and tapped Fatima on the hand. “He’s full of shit!”

  Fatima grinned. “Well, you better learn to get over your fear because you and I have reached the end of the road.”

  “What about the kids?” Javon asked nastily.

  “What about them?” replied Fatima just as nastily. “You destroyed this marriage; not me. You put our future in jeopardy, but now my future is bright because it doesn’t include you.”

  “I have a right to see my children.”

  “Yes, you do have rights, and I’ll be very agreeable to visitation rights in divorce court.”

  “Divorce court!” Javon looked like his knees were about to give out on him. He sat down on the arm of his favorite recliner.

  “Hell yes, divorce court. Haven’t you gotten it through your thick head that I am moving on?”

  “I won’t let you do this to me. I’ll fight you tooth and nail.”

  “And I’ll fight back. I’ll be in court with my little videotape in my purse for safekeeping in case I need to break it out and pop it in the VCR for the judge.”

  Javon pondered Fatima’s comment, imagining the horror his life would become if the tape ever surfaced in court and how much money he’d have to dish out in a divorce settlement. “You wouldn’t!”

  “Yes, I would,” Fatima stated without a second’s hesitation.

  “Fatima, now I know you’re the one full of shit! Even if you wanted to embarrass me, you wouldn’t do that to Harmony in public.”

  “Actually, it wouldn’t exactly be public,” Harmony interjected. “This isn’t something worthy of Court TV or anything like that, Javon. Besides, I told Fatima she could use the tape if she had to. I messed up and I’m willing to do whatever it takes to make it up to her.”

  Harmony winked at Fatima and she winked back. They still had Javon fooled about the events of that night. Things were working out perfectly.

  “Does Zachary know about this? Does he, Harmony?” Javon cracked a wicked grin, realizing he did have some bargaining power after all. Harmony worshiped the ground Zachary walked on. He’d been witnessing that for years, ever since college. “I’m sure he doesn’t, but I’d be more than happy to tell him.”

  “Utter one word of this to Zachary and I’ll cut your little dick off!” Harmony lashed out at him. “If I can even find it!”

  Fatima started laughing so hard, tears began to fall. Harmony joined her.

  “Fatima, why are you laughing? This isn’t funny.”

  “Javon, you know what?” Fatima giggled, wiping her damp eyes with her sleeve. “You do have a little dick, and after flipping through some magazines Harmony brought over to cheer me up, I realize I’ve missed out on a lot over the years.” She gave Harmony a slap on the thigh. “A whole lot! Now that I’ve seen what real dicks look like, I’m amazed you even managed to impregnate me twice.”

  Javon jumped up from the arm of the chair and placed his hands on his hips angrily. “I’m not going to stand around here while the two of you insult me.”

  “Good!” Fatima squealed, still laughing hard.

  “So leave already!” Harmony giggled.

  Javon glanced at the television, where one set of women were acting similar to the pair in his living room. “Fatima, we’ll talk about this later. Sometime when we can talk in private.”

  Fatima finally stopped laughing. She wanted to drive her next point home with a tone of seriousness. “I have nothing further to say to you. You’ll be hearing from my attorney.”

  “I’m not going to make this easy for you.”

  “I’m ready for whatever you throw at me.”

  Javon headed for the foyer, but turned around. “Where are my kids? I’d like to see them before I leave.”

  “They’re in the swimming pool.”

  “Alone?” he asked accusingly.

  “No, they’re not alone.” Fatima got back up and walked over to him, staring him dead in the eyes. “Don’t even insinuate that I’m a bad mother. Don’t even try it.”

  Javon diverted his eyes from Fatima long enough to throw Harmony an I-better-not-ever-catch-your-ass-in-a-dark-alley look. “I’m going to spend some quality time with them while you sit up in here and giggle with your fellow loony bird.”

  “Whatever, Javon!” Fatima pointed to the rear of the house, moving out of Javon’s way so he could get by her. “I want you gone by nine though. The kids need to be in bed by then.”

  “I’ll leave when I’m good and ready.”

  “You’ll leave whenever the hell I say, or I’ll have you thrown out.”

  Javon stopped in his tracks and swung around to face her. “Please! By whom?”

  “Don’t worry about it. Just be gone by nine.” Javon stormed toward the back patio. Fatima yelled after him, “I want your things out of here by next weekend, or I’m donating them to charity!”

  “You tell him, Sis!” Harmony exclaimed, applauding from her eagle’s-eye view on the couch.

  “How’d you like that?” Fatima asked, plopping back down beside her.

  “It was awesome!”

  “You proud of me? I finally learned to stand up to his ass.”

  “I’m extremely proud of you.”

  Fatima grinned and crossed her arms over her chest. “Yeah, I’m proud of me, too.”

  15

  The Strap-on Story

  “I don’t know why you need to hang out with Colette tonight anyway,” Troy said sarcastically as he paced around Bryce’s living room. “She’s nothing but a straight-up hoe and you got a man now. You can’t be hanging out at all hours of the night with skimpy-ass outfits on and shit.”

  “Troy, I never complain when you hang out with your friends, and at least you know where I’m going.” Bryce was checking herself out in the mirror and had to admit she looked damn good in the hunter green sheath with three-inch leather pumps to match. “Half the time when you fall up in here at three A.M., I have no clue where you’ve been. Probably out at tits-and-ass bars with your freaky ass.”

  “Freaky? Sheit, all the kinky-ass shit you make me submit to up in here, make a brotha want to call for backup.”

  “You love every minute of it.” Bryce walked up behind the couch and leaned over it to give him a big, fat kiss. “If you want, I can get Colette to pick you up a jar of Niagra. They sell it around her way. I hear your dick stays hard for three weeks on that shit.”

  “Hell naw, I don’t want
none of that shit. I heard it’s some kind of hallucinogen mixed with Cherry Ade.”

  Bryce laughed, sat down on his lap, and looked at her watch. “Damn, ole gurl is always late.”

  “So, where’d you say you’re going again?”

  “Well, Poppi, we’re going to a house party. One of the gurls Colette used to work with at the warehouse is having it.”

  “And the house is located where?”

  “Hmmm, I’m not quite sure. The gurl lives in Northwest, but the party is at her cousin’s girlfriend’s fiancé’s uncle’s daughter’s house.”

  “Shit,” Troy replied. “In other words, you don’t know where the hell you’re going your damn self?”

  Bryce giggled. “Colette’s driving. I just told her I would go along with her for the ride. Plus, she doesn’t know these people that well. Colette’s just trying to be kind because the gurl called her a dozen times sweating her to roll through.”

  “Whatever!”

  “Hey, now, don’t go stealing my word!” Bryce tapped him on the shoulder. “Whatever is my word and marvelous is Harmony’s word.”

  “And what’s Lucky’s word?”

  “Hmmmmm, Lucky doesn’t really have a word.” Bryce sat there, deep in thought. “Speaking of Lucky, I need to call her and check up on her. She hasn’t called in a couple of weeks and that’s unusual.”

  “Didn’t you say she has a new homie in her life?”

  “Yeah, but still, my sisters and I always keep in contact.”

  “Your baby sister is probably too busy getting her groove on to call. You and I fuck every damn night. Maybe she’s doing the same.”

  “First of all, you and I don’t fuck every night. Secondly, blood before dick.”

  “Name one night we didn’t fuck.”

  Bryce rolled her eyes. “We didn’t fuck on Monday night. The night we went over Harmony’s for dinner.”

  “Point made. Your sister’s a sweetheart.”

  Bryce giggled. “Sometimes. Don’t piss her off though ’cause she will get in that ass.”

  “By the way, leave her number so I can get in touch with Zachary.”

  “Aiight.” Bryce decided to be nosy and make sure the men weren’t scheming behind her and Harmony’s backs. “What do you want to talk to Zachary about?”

  “The brotha is mad cool and he invited me to play golf with him tomorrow. I just want to call to accept.”

  Bryce looked at Troy with astonishment. “Don’t get me wrong. I’m glad the two of you are bonding because Harmony and I plan on keeping you around until hell freezes over or impotency sets in, whichever comes first, but—”

  Troy gave Bryce a love slap on her ass. “Impotency? Gurl, I might have to tear that ass up before Colette shows up, you keep talking like that.” He grabbed his dick and moved his sack over. “You know this is the joint.”

  “Whatever!” They shared a brief kiss. “Anyway, like I was saying, I’m glad the two of you are bonding, but what does a ghettoized nucca like you know about playing golf?”

  “Shit, you have a versatile man. In fact, I’m THE MAN just like my vanity plate says. Better get used to it.” He started pinching her nipple, seriously contemplating taking her to bed and refusing to let Colette in the door. “I might act ghetto a lot, but you know that shit’s not true. Besides, I know how to play golf because some of the auto brokers I do business with at the dealership play once a week and sometimes I join them.”

  Bryce blushed, happy that she had finally found herself a good man. One that was responsible, loving, successful, and most importantly, one that mirrored her freakiness. “I hate you, Baby!”

  “I hate you, too!” They started tonguing. By the time Colette showed up, Troy was eating a snack and she had to wait outside until he got done.

  “Damn!” Colette exclaimed after Bryce got into her Impala. “You smell like fucking! No wonder it took your ass so long to come outside!”

  “It’s your fault,” Bryce replied. “You were so late, Troy said fuck it and got his groove on before I left. I’ll spray on some cologne.”

  “Please do because I don’t want you falling up in my gurl’s house with crusty semen between your thighs and dick breath.” Bryce punched her in the shoulder. “I got some Tic Tacs if you need one.”

  “Naw, I didn’t have time to suck his dick. If I had started on the dick, you would’ve been rolling by yourself tonight because I’m damn addicted to the dick.” Bryce sprayed on some CK cologne. “Besides, where’s this party anyway? Troy asked me and I looked like an idiot ’cause I didn’t know.”

  “Southeast.”

  “Southeast as in by the waterfront, by Capitol Hill, or Southeast as in Gangsta’s Paradise?”

  “Bryce, you’re always such a smart-ass,” Colette complained. “You’ve totally ignored me since you hooked up with Troy. I should’ve known it was his ass that called you up that night.”

  “I haven’t ignored you. I’ve just been busy. Besides, you’ve been working at that law firm and keeping busy yourself.” Bryce noticed Colette was too quiet. “Aiight, what now?”

  “Whatcha mean?”

  “You know what the hell I mean, heifer. I mentioned the law firm and your ass clammed up, so what’s going on?”

  Silence, and then Colette tried to play that turn-the-radio-up game, but Bryce was the master so she reached over and turned it completely off. She kept pressing. “Are those people Harmony hooked you up with mistreating you? Because, if so, she can get you another hookup.”

  “Naw, everything’s cool.”

  “Hmm, okay, but just let me know because there’s one thing Harmony doesn’t fuck around with and that’s clients trying to mess over her temps.”

  “I know, gurl. Harmony’s real nice to me now. I’m shocked. Every time I go by the agency to pick up my weekly paycheck, she makes a sincere effort to tell me how well I’m doing and how proud she is of me.”

  “Say what? My sister does that?” Bryce was shocked. “Well, I must have been wrong.”

  “Wrong about what?”

  “At first, I thought what was bothering her months ago was something major, something I couldn’t put my finger on, but it must have been all about Zachary.” Bryce added as an afterthought, “I’m glad Zachary is back, though. She’s a different person now and even likes Troy.”

  “Word?”

  “Yeah, she even invited us over for dinner this week, and you know Harmony usually refuses to let me bring nuccas over to her house.”

  “I heard that.”

  They were quiet for a couple of minutes, then Colette said, “I did go out with this junior partner at the firm. He’s the only brotha there.”

  “Hmph! And?” Bryce didn’t like this shit from jump, and she knew Harmony better not ever get wind of it because she believed in professionalism at all times.

  “And”—Colette glanced over at Bryce while they were stopped at a red light and saw the you-might-get-pimp-slapped-if-this-is-bad look in her eyes—“I fucked him with a ten-inch strap-on.”

  “Excuse me while I yawn to clear out my ear canals. Did you just say that you fucked a partner at the law firm with a ten-inch strap-on?”

  “Yeah,” Colette said casually. “Bryce, don’t look at me that way. He asked me to.”

  “Whatever!”

  “Really! We ended up at his place after dinner and he told me he had this fantasy he always wanted to play out. I was tore the hell up drunk so I said fuck it and strapped the shit on.”

  As pissed as Bryce was, she couldn’t help but laugh. Especially, since she and Troy were doing mad freaky-deaky shit out of her favorite book, The Sex Chronicles. The thought of Colette with a strap-on, pumping it in and out a nucca’s ass, was funny as shit.

  “First, he told me he wanted to know what it felt like to give a blow job, but didn’t want to do it with a man since he was only bicurious and not sure he went that way. So, I stood there and let him suck the fake dick while I was wearing it.”

&n
bsp; “You have got to be making this shit up.” Bryce chuckled. “No fucking way!”

  “Yes, way.” Colette cackled. “I even gyrated my hips and moaned like he was really sucking me off. He waxed that jimmy, too! I think that brotha might be able to suck a dick better than me, and you know that’s saying sumptin’.”

  “Then what happened?” Bryce was all into the shit by that point and trying to picture every move.

  “Then he told me to put it in his ass slowly. At first, I only put the tip in, but he kept asking for more and more until I had the whole thing rammed up his ass.”

  “What did you use? K-Y jelly?”

  “Hell naw, that Negro took that shit raw dog.”

  “Eww!” Bryce flinched. “He took the whole thing?”

  “Hell yeah, and then he kept telling me to fuck him harder and harder.”

  “Shit” was all Bryce could say in response. “I hope you didn’t see his ass again after that?”

  “Nope, he never asked me out again after that. Thank goodness!”

  “Amen to that.”

  “In fact, I can’t say this shit for sure, but I think he may be dating another junior partner from the firm now. This white dude. They seem mighty close. Giggling and shit like gurlfriends all the time.”

  “Well, I guess he’s more than bicurious then, but he better get him a Mandingo-dick brotha if he took ten inches up the ass raw dog.”

  They were both still laughing and holding their sides when they finally pulled up to the house where the party was. Two seconds after they pulled up, they were stuffing their cash in their bras and pushing their purses underneath the car seats.

  16

  Limp-Dick Leprechaun Midgets

  “Gurl!” Bryce plopped down on Harmony’s living room sofa. “Wait till you hear the shit Colette and I did last night!”

  Harmony laughed as she set a pot of warm tea and a plate of cinnamon bran muffins on trivets on the coffee table. “That bad, huh?”

  “Hell yeah!”

  “Great. I could sure use a good laugh. I’m glad you decided to come over today to keep me company while our men go make asses of themselves on the golf course.”