Resolution (Saviour)

by Lesley Jones

  Jemma had got herself a hairdressing apprenticeship straight from school; she had gone to college, served her time and qualified with bells on. She worked as a mobile stylist when the kids were little and then when they had started school her and Max had taken out a massive loan on the house and set her up in her own salon, fifteen years later she has three salons and employs over fifty people; all of her salons now have beauty rooms attached, where you can get anything from an eyelash tint, cosmetic tattoo, to a plain old manicure and business is booming.

  I have my hair cut and coloured, I have a mani, a pedi and both sets of nails painted with shellac in a nice shade of dark red, I get my eyebrows waxed and both them and my eyelashes tinted; by the time I leave, four hours later, I am feeling like a million dollars and I’m chilled out to the max; Gabe called earlier to let me know he had landed safely and that he missed me, Jemma kindly took a photo of me with tinfoil on my head and sent it to him.

  He messaged back.

  You look beautiful, I love you

  Twenty seconds later Gabe calls my phone, I don’t even get chance to speak. “Lauren, are the chemicals in that hair colour safe for the babies?’

  “What? Yes.” Shit… I have no idea!

  “You’re sure? I’ve googled it; I can’t really find anything that says it’s dangerous or safe.”

  I pass the phone to Jemma. “Please tell Mr Neurotic that my highlights aren’t harming the babies.”

  She looks at me confused and shrugs. “Hey Gabe, I’m using a low odour, ammonia free, hair lightener. Yes Gabe…. Gabe, I’ve been doing this a long time, I have coloured the hair of pregnant women before. No, I know the others aren’t your pregnant woman but your pregnant woman happens to be my best friend so all due care will be taken.”

  She shakes her head and smiles as she passes the phone back. “Gabe, you really do need to chill out a little bit, we have another seven months to go and I would prefer you to be alive and well when these babies arrive and not to have worried yourself into an early grave.”

  “I’m sorry, I, it’s just… I love you, keep your phone close, I will call you after my meeting.”

  “I love you too.”

  I smile to myself as I recall the conversation while walking around the supermarket later, I pick up a few essentials and head back to my car still wearing a stupid grin on my face, and walk straight into Jason. My stomach churns a few times, then drops to my toes, he speaks first.

  “Lauren, how are you? You look a lot better than the last time I saw you, take it you’ve fully recovered from your accident.”

  He doesn’t, he looks terrible. I smile the best I can, I actually feel a little sick and a whole lot guilty, have I done this to him? This whole situation is surreal, I’m standing at my local shopping centre, having an awkward conversation with a man I have shared half my life and two children with, but I barely recognise him, he’s lost so much weight, he almost looks gaunt, why didn’t Ryder tell me about this? I pull myself together and answer.

  “I’m good thanks. Just the wrist to heel completely, then everything will be back as it was.”

  I raise my arm and show him the cast around my lower arm and wrist. His eyes instantly land on my engagement ring. He reaches out and pulls my hand towards him and looks down at my fingers, he studies my ring for a few minutes before his eyes roam back up to my face. Eyes that I used to know so well, eyes that have seen each and every part of my body, eyes that have watched me walk up the aisle on my way to becoming his wife, that have seen me give birth to two children and eyes that have watched me cower on the floor, in fear of what he was going to do next to cause me pain, but they don’t look the same, I can’t see him in there, it’s almost a vacant look he gives me, like he’s looking through me, not at me.

  “Nice ring. Is it an engagement ring? Did you get engaged?”

  I smile nervously, what should I tell him? I’m standing right next to my car. He has to know sometime, I should just tell him and then get in my car and leave.

  “Yeah. Yeah it is, we did, just this weekend.” I move towards my car and because it’s keyless, as soon as I’m close enough it unlocks.

  “New car too Ren? A whole new life. You really have moved on.”

  I put my bags on the passenger seat and close the door back up while trying to think of what to say; I really don’t want this to turn into a confrontation but, he’s still my husband, he was once my world.

  “S’pose that number plate just about sums it up.”

  I turn around and meet his gaze; he doesn’t look angry or confrontational. He looks sad, defeated, empty and I know that I shouldn’t but I feel sorry for him, I want to go to him and make it right for him, but doing that would just make everything else in my life so very wrong.

  “Jase. Please… I’m sorry, I.”

  “When’s the wedding? Do the boys know?”

  Shit. I really do not want to be having this conversation. Especially not while standing in the middle of Woolies car park. I should have called him. Should I? Do I owe him that much. I know how I should feel, but I just. Shit, this is so confusing.

  “Of course the boys know.”

  I can’t mention that Ryder was part of our celebrations, that would just be spiteful and cause trouble and despite everything, I don’t want to hurt him. I look over his face, the face that used to light up my life, his brown eyes are looking at me longingly and I hate that there’s still a pull. Not sexually, I seem to be immune to other men’s sexiness these days. Apart from David Gandy and Henry Cavill of course, but that’s a given right? Other than those two, there’s not a man out there who holds my attention, makes my insides clench or inspires naughty thoughts. Not even for a second. Nobody other than Gabe, but there is still something there for Jason, even if it’s just the desire not to cause him pain.

  “Well good luck with it all Lauren; I hope he makes you happy. We erm… We need to get together and sign some paper work, for the house, and I need you to come and have a sort through some stuff you still have at home. Clothes and some old photos and stuff, if you want them, that is. Is there any furniture or anything that you want? I’m moving into a two bedroomed unit so I won’t have room for everything. Just come round and take whatever you want to take. I don’t mind. Let me know and I can make sure I’m out or I can be there if you prefer whatever you want to do.”

  I feel sick to my stomach. I’ve been so swept away with Gabe and our new life that I’ve not really taken into account that I’m in the middle of a divorce. That I have this whole other life that I still have to deal with, whether I want to or not.

  “Well I have a bit of time on Friday, could I come round then?” Better to get this out of the way and done while Gabe’s away.

  “Friday’s fine, what about the paper work. When do you want to deal with that?”

  “I…Erm.” I don’t want him in the house while I’m there. I don’t trust him enough and plus it would just feel weird.

  “It’s ok Lauren. We can deal with the paperwork another time. I have put a lot of your stuff into boxes already but you still have stuff everywhere. Just go through everything. It’s still your house. You have keys right?”

  “Yeah. Yeah I still have keys. Right, well I will be there first thing Friday and try to take most of my stuff, I can’t really remember what’s there so it may take a couple of trips.”

  “First thing as in nine am or first thing as in midday, you’re kind of first thing?”

  He smiles as he speaks and it knocks ten years off of his handsome face and I can’t help but smile back. “Come on Jay. I can tell you I will be there at nine, but you of all people know full well that it will be closer to twelve.”

  Shit. Why did I say that?

  “Some things never change, do they Ren?”

  I shake my head and fight back tears. Shit. Shit. Shit. Why am I getting tearful? “No they don’t Jay.”

  “Look Lauren, there’s a lot we need to talk about. Would you have a coffee wit
h me, in public? Not back at ours I mean.” Gabe will kill me. I shake my head.

  “I can’t Jay. I have a girlfriend coming over tonight, we are going out for dinner, I need to get myself ready.”

  He nods at me slowly. “You look beautiful as you are Lauren, you’re glowing. Gabriel is obviously good for you, I envy him.”

  “Don’t Jay. Please, let’s just keep this pleasant.”

  “I’m being pleasant Lauren, I was paying you a compliment. I was paying you both a compliment, Gabriel’s obviously doing something for you I couldn’t. You look really well, radiant almost. I miss you Lauren. So fucking much, I’m jealous, I would do anything, give anything to have you back.”

  I can’t listen to this. I don’t want to hear it and I hate hearing him saying Gabe’s name. Like he knows him, like he knows us, about us. He has no idea; I’m not Lauren East. I’m Lauren Day now and he has no idea who she is and what she’s about.

  “I have to go Jay, let me know if there is a problem with me coming by on Friday. It’s good to see you.”

  I walk around to the driver’s side but he grabs my arm before I get the door open. “Is it Lauren? Is it really good to see me? If you really wanted to, you could see me every day. You could put a stop to all this and just come home. I’ve said I’m sorry, over and over I’ve told you, I don’t know what more I can do to convince you to put a stop to all this. You’re a forty five year old woman. Not a fucking teenager, you need to stop with all this bull shit and come home.”

  I pull my arm from his grip and get into my car, slamming the door behind me. I have no idea how to lock the doors from the inside. Fucking stupid new car. I press the button and start the engine, take a deep breath and start to reverse, I can see him still standing behind the car in my reverse camera. I beep at him and he steps to the side. I avoid making eye contact with him and pull away. I’m so fucking angry with myself. When will I learn? Every time. Every time, he starts off pleasant and says all the right things and I feel sorry for him and then he just can’t help himself. He still just doesn’t get the fact that it’s him that’s in the wrong and not me and I don’t think he ever will!

  Stella and I have a lovely evening, until she questions my lack of alcohol consumption. I blame it on the fact that I’m driving but she argues that I can have a couple, especially as I will be eating.

  “What has got into you and Gabe lately darl? He has driven me mad this week, making sure that I was definitely coming over to stay with you, and he’s rung me like six times today, telling me we are not to go to Main Street and you are not to drink and then perhaps it would be better if we just stayed home with a takeaway. What is going on Lauren? Has your ex been making threats again?”

  “No, no, he just worries when he’s not around. He’s just over protective and paranoid Stell, its best just to humour him, you should know that.”

  “But why the no drinking? He won’t even know, I won’t tell him. Strewth, it would be more than my life’s worth.”

  “He just knows what you and I are like when we have a drink together. Look what happened the last time I went to Main Street with you and without him. We’ve been together just over ten weeks Stell. I was attacked by my husband on the night I met him. Then again a few weeks later, actually in Gabe’s home. And then the accident up at the lake. He’s just worried something else will happen. I have been a bit of a disaster zone lately. Poor bloke, he really must wonder what he’s got himself into.”

  “Naaa Lauren, he loves you big time. Fuck, he’s marrying ya isn’t he? Jeeze, I for one never thought that would happen, never thought I would see Gabe fall in love even and definitely not want to get married again. He’s changed so much since he met you. Like, instantly, overnight, he met you on the weekend and came back on the Monday and was just different and he didn’t keep it secret. He was open and told the boys that he had met someone and that it was just different, I felt so sorry for him; the boys were just taking the piss and saying it was just because you had a great rack. They obviously noticed your tits in the pub. I s’pose because… well, you do have a great rack Lauren, but anyway, I wasn’t there so I hadn’t seen it all unfold but the boys were just laughing and telling me how he couldn’t take his eyes off you. He didn’t deny any of it, he just laughed at himself and shrugged and then said to me. ‘Fuck it, I’ve met someone I like. What’s the big fucking deal? They need to grow up.’”

  I smile as I hear this new revelation. It makes my heart want to burst, I’m missing him now. I could handle being apart if I knew that I was going home to him tonight but I’m not, nor tomorrow night either. God, it’s just two nights, get a grip woman.

  “Stell. Can I ask you something?”

  “Of course you can.”

  “Do you think if I arranged for Gabe to see a counsellor he would go?”

  “A counsellor? Why does Gabe need to see a counsellor? What’s wrong?”

  “Please do not repeat a word of this to anyone ever Stell, seriously.”

  “I swear, I won’t, you’re scaring me Lauren, tell me what’s wrong.”

  I take a deep breath. “Gabe thinks he doesn’t deserve to be loved. He thinks that I’m going to eventually leave him and Ava will one day cut him out of her life. He doesn’t feel he’s worthy of love… Because of what went on between him and Jackie.”

  “Far out. Seriously, why, why would he think that? It wasn’t his fault. It’s not like it was an affair. She abused him, he was under age.”

  “I know, I’ve told him all of this but he just feels so guilty. I think Charlie dying has made him feel worse and he’s really struggling with it all and I don’t know what to do, I want to help him but I don’t know where to start, I need you and your brothers and Sam and Jen in on this one, he doesn’t think any of us should love him. He broke down and told me all this, this morning, that’s why he’s being so paranoid. He thinks that if I’m left alone with time to think, that I will get rid of the babies and go back to Jay.”

  SHIT!!! I know what I’ve just let slip before Stella takes it in. I watch her face as she digests my words. Her mouth drops open. “Wh…wait a minute. What babies? Are you pregnant?”

  Her mouth drops open again as she looks from my water to my belly to my face. “You are? You’re fucking pregnant aren’t you? Are you serious and you didn’t tell me? When? How far? Oh my god, get him on the phone. I’m gonna kill him, why the fuck didn’t he tell me? Get him on the phone right now.”

  There are only one other couple in the restaurant and they are staring right at us. “Stell. Calm down, don’t ring him yet, it’s supposed to be a secret, no one is supposed to know, I have to have some tests done because of my age, once we get the results back from them and we know everything is okay. Then we will tell people, we have to consider Ava, she will be devastated if there is anything wrong with them.”

  “Them? Anything wrong with them. YOU’RE HAVING TWINS?”

  Seriously, Stella has no volume control, but I can’t help but smile at her enthusiasm. “Yep. We’re having twins, around June the twenty first they are due…All being well”

  Stella jumps up from her chair and slides onto the bench seat and throws her arms around me. “I can’t believe it Loz. I am so happy for you both. Oh my God, he must be over the moon, another set of twins, you two are like your own little fairy tale. Oh my God I’m tearing up.”

  We spend the rest of our meal and the rest of our evening in fact, discussing, babies, Gabe and Jackie. Stella ends up sleeping in my bed with me, but tells me the next morning she had to go to the spare room in the middle of the night because my snoring was so bad. Well I slept fine!

  I get up when I hear Stella moving about in the kitchen. I have to be up at the Palmers place at nine to meet the carpet fitters so I need to get my arse into gear. I call Gabe to wish him good morning and to let him know that as it’s such a beautiful morning I am off to take a walk on the beach for half an hour but he doesn’t answer, I don’t leave a message, those horrible
voice to text things never seem to understand my accent and end up leaving a message that makes no sense, I will just call him once I’m back.

  As I walk into the house my mobile and the land line are both ringing, I grab my mobile first, its Gabe. “Morning Ba…”

  “Where the fuck have you been? I’ve been calling you for over half an hour? Fuck Lauren. I told you to keep your phone on you.”

  “Yeah and good morning to you too… Have you quite finished?”

  “No. Where were you? I was calling the land line from the hotel phone and your mobile from mine, you didn’t pick up either.”

  “I went for a walk on the beach. I have no pockets in my leggings or vest.”

  “Well tuck it in your fucking bra. Don’t leave the house again without your phone, are we clear?”

  “Who the fuck are you talking to? I am not a child; do not speak to me like I am a fucking idiot.”

  “Well don’t fucking act like one!”

  I hang up. Who does he think he is, talking to me like that, this paranoia is getting ridiculous, he seriously needs help! My phone starts to ring again. Well if he wants to treat me like a child I will fucking well act like one. Prick!

  I flip the phone to silent, put on some music and get into the shower; an hour later I am pulling up on the driveway of ‘Bella Cliché’, just as the carpet fitter’s truck arrives. I leave them to unload as I take a walk through. The place looks amazing, a complete transformation, I cannot wait to get the pieces in place that I have chosen; the whole house is surprisingly clean. I wouldn’t be surprised if Gabe told the cleaners to do an extra special clean, not just your average builders clean. Shit. Gabe, my phones still on silent. Actually I went a step further and switched it to airplane mode when his calls kept interrupting my music. I pull it out of my bag and change the settings, seventy eight missed calls. Not just from him but from his whole family, and all of my friends, and text messages from all of them too. This is ridiculous, it starts to ring again as I’m scrolling through my messages, most of which are telling me to ‘Ring Gabe’.