Odds & Ends

by Amy Ignatow

  “Oh good, you are here,” Willis said. “Time to spray the goat and see what happens.”

  “What? No!” Farshad watched as Jay leapt in front of Gertie. “Willis, old man, your antidote is dangerous. It made little bitty, very loud bunny rabbits go all explode-y. We just have to find a way to get out of here.”

  Willis shook his head. “No, I am sure it is fine. Bring me the goat.”

  “Did you not see those bunnies exploding?!?” Cookie asked, horrified.

  “No. I am pretty sure the antidote is fine. Bring me the goat. Please.”

  “I do not want to explode!” Gertie bleated.

  “We can’t kill Gertie!” Nick said.

  “Help! Help! I do not want to explode!” Gertie looked wildly around for an escape route. “You are all terrible people who take me to strange places that don’t have food and then you don’t feed me and now you are going to blow me up! I disagree with this! I disagree!!!” And with that she started running around the room.

  “Get him!” Rebecca cried as Gertie darted in and out between everyone in the room and knocked over lab equipment.

  “She’s a girl!” Willis said, chasing Gertie with a spray bottle.

  “MEH! MEH! I DON’T WANT TO BLOW UP! YOU ARE ALL TERRIBLE PEOPLE!”

  “Watch out!” Farshad yelled. “If you spray the wrong person we’ll lose our powers!”

  “OR EXPLODE!” Cookie added, hiding behind an overturned lab table.

  “No one will explode, no one will explode,” Willis gasped, trying to corner Gertie.

  “What about the bunnies?” Nick asked.

  “That wasn’t my formula! I’m pretty sure,” Willis said.

  “Then why did they explode?”

  “Probably because of him,” Martina said, pointing to the now-open door.

  It was Mr. Friend.

  “I can’t control it!” the substitute teacher shrieked as smoke billowed in from the hallway behind him.

  “SPRAY HIM!” Cookie shouted.

  “Who’s he?” Willis asked.

  “NOT ME!” Gertie bleated.

  “WE HAVE TO GET OUT OF HERE!” Nick yelled, throwing his arms around Martina, who in turn grabbed Farshad’s hand. Farshad suddenly felt the pressure of another body colliding into him, and the next thing he knew they were all slipping and falling on wet grass near the edge of the forest that surrounded the Auxano campus.

  Nick had managed to grab Martina and Farshad, but to his surprise Cookie had grabbed hold of him as well, and they all tumbled together into a pile at the edge of the forest.

  In the distance they could see smoke pouring out some of the windows of the Auxano building, and they could still hear the alarms going off. There was a huge smoking hole in one of the outer concrete walls, and Nick couldn’t tell if someone had used it to get in or out of the building.

  “That does not look good,” Martina observed.

  “We have to get back in!” Farshad gasped. “We can’t just leave Jay in there to fight by himself!”

  “If we go back in, we’ll breathe in the spray and lose our powers,” Cookie said.

  Nick looked at her, confused. “I thought you wanted to lose your powers,” he said.

  “I . . . I think I’ve reconsidered? I can’t make this decision right now,” she said, her voice miserable.

  “Screw the powers!” Farshad said. “We need to help Jay!”

  Nick turned to Cookie. “Can you hear him? Can you hear what’s going on in there?”

  Cookie closed her eyes. “It’s just kind of chaos.” She turned to Martina. “What about you?” she asked her. “Can you see anything?”

  Martina trained her eyes on the Auxano buildings and in the moonlight Nick could see her eyes turning a startlingly light green. “I see a building,” she said.

  “Thank you, Captain Obvious,” Cookie growled. “Now is not the time for your patented Martina weirdness.”

  “I’m still looking,” Martina said. “I see a building and I don’t see anyone coming out of it. There are lots of doors and a big hole in the wall, but everyone is staying inside, even though parts of it are on fire.”

  Nick looked at the building. If they went back in, they could get Jay and the others out. If they didn’t, they’d keep their powers.

  It wasn’t worth it.

  “I’m going back,” he said. “Who’s with me?”

  “I am,” Farshad said.

  Cookie looked resolute. “Me too.”

  Martina picked up a big stick. “I’m ready.”

  “What, are you bringing a weapon?” Nick asked.

  “You’re not?”

  “Let’s go through the hole,” Nick said. “I don’t want to go back to the women’s bathroom.” He grabbed his own stick and they set off running down the hill toward the building they’d just escaped.

  “FOR JAY!” Farshad yelled.

  It was still smoky in the hallway when they re-entered the building, and Cookie immediately took off her sweater and tied it around her face. Martina saw her and did the same. Farshad used his thumbs to rip the sleeves off of his hoody and gave one to Nick. They looked like nerdy banditos.

  “AAAAAAAAAAHHHH!!!” The screaming was coming from somewhere nearby, and Farshad led the charge toward the noise. They turned a corner to find Jay, naked to the waist and running at them with two half-full spray bottles of formula. “AAAAAAAAAAHHHH!!!”

  “Jay!” Nick yelled, “It’s us!”

  Jay stopped short. “The cavalry has returned, splendid!”

  “What happened to your shirt?” Cookie asked, eyeing Jay’s skinny white chest.

  “It was covered in rabbit entrails, so I took it off. I am probably deeply and irrevocably traumatized! But no matter, Willis’s antidote works!”

  “How do you know?” Farshad asked, just as Addison came barreling around a corner. Her hair was wild and she was screaming incoherently. Jay leapt in front of the others and began running toward her while misting her with the spray bottles. She screamed and dropped to the floor.

  “Addison!” Cookie found herself shrieking.

  “Bluuurrrgggh,” Addison groaned from her place on the floor. They heard a nearby explosion. Jay knelt down beside the fallen girl.

  “My dear!” he yelled over the alarms and other nearby screams. “You’re going to go with Cookie!” He turned to Farshad. “Can you lift her?”

  Farshad ran forward and scooped Addison up as if she weighed nothing. “Take her to the lab with the others!” Jay yelled. “And find a way to get out of here!”

  “What about you?” Cookie asked.

  “I’ve got work to do,” Jay said grimly, wiping the sweat and soot off his forehead with his skinny forearm before dashing off down the hallway.

  “Maybe he’s looking for more Company Kids?” Cookie asked.

  “And Mr. Friend,” Martina added. Right. There was still a crazy fire-thrower in the mix. GREAT.

  The smoke was getting thicker and Cookie started to cough. “We have to go!” She turned to Nick.

  “I’ll get him,” he said, jogging down the hall after Jay.

  Cookie and Martina followed Farshad as he ran with Addison away from the heat. Auxano was a mess—there were scorch marks everywhere, as well as smoke and debris. Cookie slipped on what looked like—was that poop? Was that animal poop? Martina grabbed her hand to keep her from falling and they kept running until they got back to the lab where Willis had created his antidote.

  In it they found a crowd of people. In one corner the Company Kids were huddled together, and in another Beanie, Rebecca, Willis, Abe, and the Farm Kids were eyeing them warily. The team of chemists had been let out of the closet and were tending to all the crying kids, Gertie the goat had her head in a garbage can, and there was a herd of . . . dogs.

  “We’ve got to get out of here!” Cookie said. There was smoke in the lab, and it wouldn’t be long before they were completely trapped.

  “There’s no way out!” one of the chemist
s said. “We’re three stories underground.”

  Nick! Cookie thought desperately. Nick, we’re all trapped here!

  “Is everyone here . . . okay?” Farshad asked, looking from the dogs to Abe to Beanie and Rebecca and Willis.

  “Willis is, but Beanie and I are still . . . you know,” Rebecca said. “Jay sprayed the goat, and she immediately stopped talking. Then he sprayed Willis, but that’s when the explosions began and he went running off with the sprays, and then Abe came in with all these dogs. Do you know how to get out of here?” she asked.

  “The hallway is filled with smoke,” Farshad said.

  “Nick . . .” Cookie began, and suddenly he was right next to them. “Nick! We’ve got to get everyone out of here!”

  “Right . . .” Nick said, looking around wildly at everyone. “I’m pretty sure we have to go in small groups, I can’t get everyone out at once and I still have to find Jay . . .” He disappeared.

  The room was getting hotter, and nearby an explosion sounded. One of the scientists started to whimper.

  Farshad whipped his head around in search of an escape route. “Even if Nick gets back, there’s so many of us. We can’t wait for him to transport each and every one of us.” He looked at his thumbs.

  “Could you use those to bust through a wall or something?” Cookie asked in desperation.

  “We’re underground,” Martina pointed out.

  “Does anyone have any ideas?” Cookie looked at the groups of crying Company Kids, terrified Farm Kids, and the chemists.

  “I do,” Rebecca said. She looked pale and extremely grim. “We walk out.” She looked at Beanie. She ran to the door, wincing with pain as she opened it.

  For the first time Cookie could actually see the fire, and it was terrifying and very, very hot. Rebecca walked right into it.

  “NO!” Farshad yelled, lunging after her. Cookie and Martina jumped on him to hold him back, and the three of them tumbled to the floor, coughing as the smoke rolled into the room.

  A moment later they were soaking wet. Rebecca had walked through the flames to get the emergency fire hose. Cookie stared at her, fully aware that her mouth was hanging open and happy that her sweater was still around her face so no one could see it. Smoke and steam were rising off of Rebecca’s singed clothing, but her skin was completely untouched. She still had the power to heal herself (although she was struggling to control the bucking, industrial-size hose).

  Cookie jumped up and ran into the hall to help. She grabbed hold of the hose behind Rebecca, and Martina and Farshad joined her. “Let’s go!” she screamed to the dazed group behind her.

  “Wait!” Abe cried out before nudging himself between Rebecca and Cookie, and suddenly she felt the hairs on the back of her neck rise.

  The alarms stopped sounding; in fact, it was almost totally silent, and the air around them, which had a moment ago been filled with smoke, was strangely clear.

  Abe’s doing this, she heard Martina think to her.

  Of course. Abe was protecting them the same way that he had protected the farm animals when he’d led them out of the fire. Cookie could see the smoke and the flames nearby, but it was as if she and the rest of the group were encased in a moveable, impenetrable bubble. It was extraordinary, and Cookie was struck with a wave of gratitude that he’d chosen to keep his power.

  But why had he? The thought flitted through her mind as they moved slowly as a group through the smoky hallway. Why hadn’t he and Rebecca taken the spray?

  Over Abe’s shoulder she could see the doorway to the stairs. Farshad leapt forward and wrenched the door from its hinges, flinging it to the side.

  “That seemed unnecessarily dramatic,” Martina observed.

  “Run!” Abe said. They dropped the bucking hose and ran out the door.

  “Jay!” Nick yelled through the smoke. “Jay, we have to get out of here!”

  “Go!” Jay yelled back. “I’ll find my own way out!”

  Nick concentrated on Jay, and a moment later he was by his side. “What are you still doing here?” he yelled. “We have everyone! It’s time to go!”

  “I have to find Mr. Friend! And I have to get my mom!” Jay yelled back. “But I’m all turned around. Take us to the women’s bathroom!”

  Nick grabbed him and a moment later they were back at the edge of the woods that surrounded Auxano. In the distance, they heard sirens.

  “NO!” Jay yelled. “My mom!”

  “It’s okay, it’s okay, I already got her!” Nick yelled. “She’s at my house. It’s a long story. But she’s fine.” He heard a huge crunching noise and watched with fascination as Beanie used himself as a battering ram to blast through the door that Farshad had destroyed during their last excursion. Nick felt relief as he saw the figures of Rebecca, Abe, Cookie, Farshad, and Martina leading the Company Kids and the Farm Kids out of the smoking building. They’d all gotten out.

  “Here!” Nick yelled, waving to the group. Next to him he heard a sob come out of Jay.

  “Hey,” he said to his friend, wrapping him in a bear hug, “it’s okay. We’re okay. Everyone got out.”

  “Yeah,” Jay said, “but . . .”

  “But what?”

  “Nick, I sprayed myself,” Jay said, looking down at the now-empty bottles of antidote in his hands. “I sprayed myself and now I’m . . . not me anymore.”

  Nick looked at Jay’s tearstained face. “What . . . How do you know?”

  “I can’t think clearly anymore!” Jay wailed. “I used to know what to do all the time and now I have no idea. My intelligence is gone.”

  Nick looked at his half-naked friend. “What are you even talking about?”

  “Nick! Nick, my slow friend, I’m like you now,” Jay said, collapsing into a heap on the damp ground.

  “Okay, that seemed unnecessary,” Nick grumbled, plopping down on the ground next to his tragic friend, who flopped on him as he wept. Nick held him and patted his back.

  Cookie was the first to reach them and dropped onto the ground next to them. “This is wetter than I expected it to be. Whatever. I’m done.” She lifted her head slightly to look at them. “What’s up with Jay?”

  “He got sprayed and now he thinks he’s dumb.”

  “That’s dumb. He was always dumb,” Cookie mumbled into the grass.

  “You’re getting muddy,” Martina observed.

  “Don’t care,” Cookie mumbled back.

  “Okeydokey.”

  Farshad came and sat next to them and together they watched as the Farm Kids trudged up the little hill to them. “This was fun,” Kurt said, looking around at the destruction. “Uh, we’re going to go. Is he okay?” he asked Nick, eyeing Jay.

  “Sure, he’s just needs a moment to realize he has no idea what he’s talking about,” Nick said.

  “I do, too!” Jay sobbed, his voice muffled in Nick’s shirt.

  “Okay, bye,” Kurt said, and with that he and the rest of the Farm Kids headed out to the truck they’d parked a little ways off. “We were never here.”

  Nick nodded. Abe, Rebecca, Beanie, and Willis headed for the woods. Abe gave a quick wave and they disappeared into the darkness.

  Nick held Jay as he looked down at the Company Kids, who had gathered near a parking lot away from the blaze.

  “Mom,” Izaak was crying into his phone, “can you come get me?”

  “Martina!” They heard a voice nearby, and Cookie let out a little shriek as she saw Mr. Friend being dragged, as if by an invisible hand, toward them. “Got any more of that antidote?”

  Jay leapt up and ran toward Mr. Friend and the voice, enthusiastically pumping the rest of the spray out of the bottles while emitting what sounded like some sort of incomprehensible battle cry. Soon a guy with a beard was waving enthusiastically at them.

  “Oh, hi, Ed,” Martina said, taking off her sweater mask. “Hey, look, it’s Ed.”

  Mr. Friend started to wake up. “I don’t want to be in education anymore,” he moaned from
the spot where No-Longer-Invisible Ed had dumped him.

  “I may have hit him a little harder than I had intended to,” Ed said, looking around.

  “Ed, your brother Gabe—” Cookie started, not wanting to tell him that Dr. Deery had betrayed them.

  “Yeah, I know, I know. We’re going to be having a brotherly talk later,” Ed said, dragging Mr. Friend to his feet. “But we’re going to get out of here before anyone starts asking questions. I suggest you guys do the same.”

  “I should have gone to nursing school,” Mr. Friend muttered.

  “You still can, buddy, let’s get moving. Is my car still on the side road?” Ed asked.

  “Uhh . . .” Nick said, remembering that they’d kind of crashed it.

  “COME WITH ME IF YOU WANT TO LIVE!” a high-pitched voice screamed as The Hammer came barreling through the woods. He had a wild look in his eye and was holding a car jack over his head like a cudgel.

  Cookie looked up from her spot on the ground. “Who is this fool?”

  “That’s The Hammer,” Farshad answered, flopping down next to her. “You’d think he’d have an actual hammer.”

  “Seriously?” Ed said, looking at The Hammer. “Hey man, love your work.”

  “Thank you! I trust you’ll keep my identity a secret.” The Hammer turned to Nick and the others. “And I get exclusive interviews with you all?”

  “Uh, sure,” Nick said in the least committal tone he could muster.

  “Excellent! What is your name?”

  “Ash Williams,” Nick said. Beside him he heard Jay let out a little giggle.

  In the distance they could see the blue and red lights of emergency vehicles heading toward the smoking building.

  “Time to go, Ash,” Cookie said, getting up and trudging toward the woods.

  THE DAILY WHUT?

  Oh, my faithful readers, have I a story for you. As you know, we were all forced AGAINST OUR WILLS to remain in our homes this past Friday night . . . for our own good? Or perhaps it was because of POSSESSED FERAL BLOODTHIRSTY CHILDREN.

  Now Hammer, they will say, you’ve gone too far. OH, HAVE I? What if I were to tell you that I have irrefutable proof that not only were possessed feral children lurching through the streets of Muellersville, but they were made into superstrong PROTOHUMANS by none other than Auxano Labs? And how do I know this? BECAUSE I SAW IT WITH MY OWN EYES. I even filmed it on my camera phone, which I unfortunately can’t seem to find right now because I had to RUN FOR MY LIFE.