If I Had . . . Then

by Mari Yamaoka

  Chemistry, now that’s a feeling she misses, and hasn’t felt for some time.

  When Mika was younger, the sight of idle singers and handsome actors would start her heart fluttering like a hummingbird. Nowadays, she couldn’t even find hot actors who ignited that spark. Why has it been so long since I fell in love?

  Who was the last person that really sent her heart pounding? After she thought about it, she remembers. There had been a boy… Kenji, who was so IKEMEN (handsome-faced)! Just thinking of him made Mika grin as she strolled down the street, happy to find the feeling of her heart beating against her chest.

  What had happened with him? She remembered he’d been a painter, talented but having trouble selling his work, so he’d worked at a convenience store for a living.

  They’d had fun together, but he always showed up late to their dates. In the end, she got so sick of having to always wait for him that she dumped him.

  But he was so good looking! Hot, like a TV actor or model. Delicious eye candy.

  The memories with Kenji stirred up nostalgia, and made her feel sentimental. He hadn’t been perfect, sure, but every time she’d seen him, she had felt that coveted heart-flutter that seemed to be missing from her life nowadays.

  How heartbreaking! I can’t believe how much I miss him, and that feeling.

  Tears fill her eyes.

  If I hadn’t broken up with Kenji, what would my life have been like? Maybe we wouldn’t be rich, but there would always be that spark, that sensation of excitement. And maybe that’s the most important thing.

  It surprises her how much she misses him.

  So Mika nods to herself, and makes up her mind.

  OK. Let me go back to the days I was seeing Kenji.

  * * *

  When she opens her eyes, she’s at the Shibuya Station Hachiko Exit leading to Hachiko Square and Scramble crossing.

  She remembers: it’s 10 minutes before their scheduled meeting time. Being back here again stirs up the old memory, of the last time she was waiting for Kenji.

  * * *

  Mika and Kenji had made plans to have dinner and watch a movie together. But, of course, he still hadn’t shown up.

  Mika waited anxiously for over 30 minutes, pacing back and forth. Guess it was silly to arrive 10 minutes early, but she’d been so excited.

  Her cell phone rang—it was Kenji.

  “Mika! I’m sorry but I was swamped with the part-time job and couldn’t leave. I’ll be there in 10 minutes. Can you wait a little bit longer?”

  Late, the same as usual. Why did she think it might be different this time?

  “Again? You always do this, and I’m tired of waiting, tired both physically and mentally. You know what? This is the reason nothing is working in your life, because you’re so loose with time. You’re an inconsiderate jerk. Just forget it!”

  It felt good to get that off her chest, and after telling him that, Mika stopped waiting and went home. That was the last time she spoke with him.

  * * *

  This time, Mika is going to forgive him. She will wait patiently, and see what happens when they don’t break up.

  Just like before, her phone goes off. She picks it up right away and hears Kenji say, “Mika! I’m sorry but I was swamped with the part-time job and couldn’t leave. I’ll be there in 10 minutes. Can you wait a little bit longer?”

  “OK, I’ll wait for you, but you need to know I’ve already been waiting over 30 minutes. I’ll wait a little more, so call me when you get here.”

  Mika enters a nearby coffee shop and sits down, letting out a relieved sigh. Feels good to be off her feet.

  I should’ve done this last time, instead of standing around. Then I wouldn’t have been so tired. Or, maybe I should just set our appointments 30 minutes earlier than when I actually want to meet.

  Kenji calls Mika about 10 minutes later, letting her know he’s arrived. She tells him to come up to the coffee shop.

  When Kenji walks through the door, she gazes at him in fascination, astounded by his good looks.

  Some nearby women are staring at him with the same admiration Mika is. It makes her feel proud, to have such a handsome date.

  Men call younger, beautiful wives “Trophy Wife.” It is the same for her; having a younger, handsome boyfriend feels like a trophy. She feels that it is good she hasn’t broken up with Kenji this time.

  “Have you had dinner yet?” Kenji asks after sitting down across from her.

  “Not yet. What about you, Kenji?”

  “Nope, me neither. Let’s go get some food! There’s a ramen shop nearby that my friend claims is super tasty.”

  “Ramen? That sounds great.”

  Mika would have preferred a classy Italian joint, or maybe some French cuisine. But ramen is fine, too—she has to keep Kenji’s tight budget in mind, as a fancy restaurant would probably be a burden for him. At least he’s not stingy with the little money he has.

  Mika and Kenji eat dinner at the noodle shop. Kenji slurps his noodles, obviously enjoying his food, while Mika eats without making a sound. The noodles here are actually really delicious, maybe even tastier than the pasta she’d been craving.

  Mika chats cheerfully in between chewing noodles. No matter how much she stares at him, she still thinks he’s the most handsome man she’s ever met in her life, and here she is out on a date with him. Not only is he gorgeous, but he’s also kind. She can’t help smiling, her mood soaring. Maybe she’d finally chosen the right time fork.

  At the movie theater, they choose a sad movie, and Mika can’t help sobbing at a particularly heart-wrenching scene. Kenji gently strokes her arm.

  How gentle he is! I’m so happy to sit next to the man I love.

  Her heart is brimming with happiness. This is love, she’s sure of it, and it’s a wonderful feeling. She thinks about Junichi, and remembers that “Money can’t buy love.”

  After the movie, they head over to Kenji’s place. His apartment is an old wooden flat, a 6 mat Japanese room with OSHIIRE closets. The TATAMI mats are old and discolored, browned from too much time in the sun. It’s a pretty small space, crowded by a small desk and chair near the right wall. A laptop and painting tools sit on top of the desk, and nearby there’s a CD player and panels of his work. A folding Japanese low table and ZABUTONs (floor cushions) sit in the center of the room.

  In the OSHIIRE closet, FUTON beddings are ready to be taken out for the night.

  There’s no bathroom, nor even a kitchen in the room. A shared kitchen in the hall way has a stove and stainless steel sink. Railway tracks run alongside the old building, intermittently filling the room with the clickety-clack sounds of passing trains. Down the hall is a Japanese style water closet, filled with stained old tiles, some of them even ripped off.

  In every aspect, the cheap flat is far from comfortable. However, Mika doesn’t care, because she knows it’s not all about money, and besides, her heart is filled with love for him. Just being around him makes her happy.

  Kenji prepares tea for Mika, and then hands the cup to her. She takes a sip, smiling her thanks. He stares into Mika’s eyes, and she stares right back. Her heart is almost bursting with happiness.

  After Mika finishes the tea, she sets it down. Kenji scoots closer to her, and puts his arms around, pulling her close. He kisses her.

  Chapter 4

  DINKS (Double Income No Kids)

  Mika wakes up in a double bed inside a neat bedroom. The interior décor is simple, but cute and welcoming. The alarm clock on the nightstand beside the bed says 9:08 A.M., Saturday. Next to her, the space on the bed is empty.

  Mika sits up, stretching her arms above her head, and then places both her feet on smooth, brown flooring.

  Who is it that usually sleeps next to me?

  She begins searching for clues, and finds a stack of business cards on the dresser tucked against the wall. Kenji’s name is on them.

  “So, I’m living with Kenji,” Mika murmurs, and begins smiling�
�what a relief!

  Next, Mika makes her way to the closet. One side is filled with Kenji’s clothes, and the other is filled with woman’s clothing. She spots a couple of her familiar silk scarves.

  She makes her way to the bathroom, where steam is sneaking beneath the door and she hears water running. A hazy form is showering on the other side of the smoky glass door. It must be Kenji. Mika opens the door and peeks inside, smelling fresh soap. Sure enough, Kenji is taking a shower.

  “Good morning!” he says, smiling. “Did you want to shower first? Or do you want to get in with me?” He wiggles his eyebrows playfully.

  “No, thanks. I’ll go in after you. Take your time,” she answers, blushing a little.

  Quite a rollercoaster of a life! Mika thinks, but still finds herself grinning. Then a question pops up into her head.

  Are we just living together, or are we married? There’s no ring on her finger!

  Kenji had once suggested living together as a sort of trial arrangement. But Mika’s parents are pretty traditional, and would never allow such a situation. If they found her living with a man outside of marriage, they’d be furious with her.

  She checks the bedside cabinet on her side, then breathes a sigh of relief. In a small case she finds a wedding ring and a couple other pieces of jewelry.

  So we were married after all. That’s good. Now I won’t have to worry about hiding him from my parents.

  Mika makes her way to the living and dining room. It’s medium-sized, but looks pretty new.

  A sliding door leads to a balcony, which provides a pretty view of town. Looks like their apartment is on the fifth floor.

  Next, she makes her way to the kitchen and checks the mid-sized refrigerator. Inside are eggs, bread, meats, vegetables, and various drinks. Not bad!

  Kenji comes into the living room. He looks a little more mature than when they were dating, but still handsome as always. His fashion sense is still delightful as well.

  Things are looking pretty good! Mika thinks. Kenji is no longer a starving artist, and still makes her heart pound the way she loved so much. And their place is pretty comfortable, a downtown, one-bedroom apartment with a den. It’s a residence pretty typical for DINKS, a Double Income No Kids couple’s lifestyle. A much better life than living alone in a small studio, not to mention the gossiping coworkers.

  But the best part of all is being married, and living with such an attractive man, who she loves. Now she won’t have to stress about matchmaking websites or boring blind dates, or worry about reading mail from men who aren’t her type, or endure the verbal sexual harassment so common among men.

  Kenji and Mika have brunch together. The TV is on and Kenji eats while watching. Mika is more interested in staring at Kenji, rather than watching TV. Kenji is 7 years younger than her, so he’s still 33: Much younger than 50 year old Junichi, with his balding head and obesity. Kenji still has a sparkling, youthful air and charm. Still the most handsome man I’ve ever met. I’m so lucky!

  Since it’s Saturday, Mika wonders about what to do for the weekend.

  “Kenji, what’s your plan today? Do you want to see a movie?”

  “I’m sorry but I can’t. I have a work appointment this afternoon.

  “Really?” Mika asks, unable to hide a frown.

  “Sorry,” he says as his cell phone beeps, and he begins checking his text messages. He hurries to the bedroom and begins talking with someone. Then he changes into more formal clothing, and comes out of the room.

  Even though she’s disappointed she can’t spend the day with him, Mika can’t help marveling at how cool he is. Any woman would be lucky to have him!

  “I’ll see you later,” Kenji says, and leaves their home.

  Mika remains behind, alone. She doesn’t feel like going out by herself on a Saturday afternoon. So, Mika decides to call her friend Kazuko. Since she’s single, she’d probably enjoy hanging out with Mika.

  The phone rings a few times and then a message is played. “This number is no longer in service…”

  What’s going on? Mika wonders…Did Kazuko change her number? Or maybe she is leading a different life, too?

  Mika scroll through her phone for Kazuko’s parents’ home number, and dials once she finds it.

  “Hello, could I speak to Kazuko-san? This is Mika Tanaka.”

  “I’m sorry but she doesn’t live here,” says Kazuko’s mother. “Don’t you know her Chigasaki number?”

  “Chigasaki? No.”

  “Then I’ll give you the number. Do you have something to write it down on?”

  “Yes.” Mika grabs a pen and paper, and writes down the number.

  I wonder why had she moved to Chigasaki? It’s a bit far to commute.

  Mika calls the new number, and after a few rings, she recognizes Kazuko’s voice.

  “Hello!” Kazuko says.

  “Hello! This is Mika.”

  “Mika-san! How’re you doing? What can I do for you?”

  “I was just wondering if you might like to go shopping with me?”

  “I have to take my daughter to English conversation class, but I’m free afterward.”

  “You have a daughter?” Mika asks with astonishment.

  “Yes. Are you feeling OK? She was born 4 years ago, remember?”

  Mika is perplexed. So Kazuko is married as well.

  Could it be related to the fact that I married a poor, but handsome artist?

  “Are you still there?” Kazuko asks.

  “Oh, sorry, I was daydreaming. So you’re free after the lesson? Is there someone who will take her care after?”

  “Yes, my husband will be home after 1:30 P.M.”

  “Then would you like to come out to Ebisu? Or shall I go to Chigasaki?” Mika asks.

  “Ebisu is fine. I’d like to go downtown for a change.”

  “Well then, how about 3 P.M.?”

  “OK!”

  At the cafe, Kazuko shows Mika pictures of her daughter and her husband, and also a picture of their house. Kazuko seems to be living a happy married life.

  Still, it’s strange to see such a change from the Kazuko that Mika knew. Both of them had been unmarried office workers together, which was actually why they’d gone out together so much and become such good friends.

  Mika skillfully manipulates the conversation to get more current information about Kazuko’s life, as well as her own.

  Currently, Kazuko only works weekday mornings while her daughter goes to kindergarten.

  Mika and Kenji had married six years ago, and not long after, Kazuko had married her partner as well. Her partner was financially unstable, but Kazuko found him amiable and charming nonetheless. With both of them working, they’d saved up and bought a house in Chigasaki two years ago.

  According to Kazuko, Mika 's husband has been resistant to having children. Lately, Kenji’s been coming home late, and sometimes doesn’t get home until the morning.

  Kazuko asks, "How are things these days? Is he still coming home late?"

  Mika cannot answer because she doesn’t know.

  "Kenji is very handsome, so you’d better be careful," Kazuko says, then keeps on talking as if discussing the weather.

  Kenji certainly is a handsome, and is too cool for a married man. And too hot.

  For Mika, men who are married, no matter how handsome they might be, have been of no interest to her because they are not available. The moment she knows a man is married, the fire of a possible love interest would be extinguished. Marriage is sacred, and should be respected.

  But some women who lack morals don’t care if a man is married or not. They might go after the man anyways, blind to anything but their passion and attraction for a good-looking man.

  The thought makes Mika suddenly uneasy, just like when she had to take over Junichi’s business.

  "How about having children?” Kazuko suggests. “Because they will make you a real family, then Kenji may come home earlier."

  Mika cannot agr
ee with her idea to have children in order to keep the husband tied down to home. She had encountered a lot of married men looking for cheating partners on the net. Many men have still cheated and divorced, even though they had young children.

  But Kazuko might be right, at least in that regard. Maybe she should talk to Kenji about it.

  I’ve always wanted children anyways, I just didn’t want to push it. What if demanding children from someone as stubborn as Kenji ended up ruining all her chances? Still, they’ve been together for 6 years. It’s a good time to have children, and since Mika has reached the 40-year-old mark, there’s a high probability that she will not be able to wait much longer.

  Chapter 5

  Another Woman

  After coming home from shopping, Mika is restless, and spends the rest of the day thinking over her conversation with Kazuko. Kenji doesn’t come home until 1 A.M. He smells of alcohol, and as soon as he collapses into bed he falls fast asleep.

  Lying beside him, listening to his snores, Mika can’t sleep. She spends hours just staring at the ceiling, thinking about different scenarios Kenji might have been up to.

  Unable to lay still any longer, Mika gets up from bed, grabs Kenji's cell phone, and pauses a moment to see if he awakes. He just keeps snoring.

  With cell phone in hand, she gently slips out of bed and tiptoes to the living room.

  Mika looks through Kenji's phone calls and text messages, and notices someone who texts him frequently. She doesn’t recognize the handle name, but once she starts scrolling through the messages, she gasps.

  It's a woman. And she’s expressing her feelings for Kenji. Her horror keeps rising as she reads texts about secret meetings. Finally, she pushes the phone away, unable to look any longer.

  Sadness and anger surge within her. She feels totally beaten—helpless—and in a fit of rage, grabs a carton of eggs from the refrigerator and throws them at the table. Soon the table is covered with crumbled eggshells and dripping egg whites.