“You’re not serious, Eleanor. After everything, you’re just going to end it? What the hell is wrong with you? I tell you I want to be with you, and the next minute you’re going home with Dylan Scott!” Jess’s face is now blazing red, and I can tell he’s pissed. He paces back and forth in my living room while I dig my nails into the back of my velvet couch.
It could be so simply fixed. I could tell him the truth about what really happened last night with Dylan and apologize, but I stop myself.
“You need to leave, Jess,” I say, attempting to keep some form of composure.
He stops in his tracks and turns to me. “Why won’t you let anyone in, Eleanor?” He sighs, running his hand through his hair in frustration. “Does this even hurt you? Are you even affected?”
“You’re not my boyfriend,” I say helplessly, realizing the error of my ways the instant I say it.
Hurt flashes across his face but is quickly buried by his rising anger.
“You’re right, Eleanor. I’m not your boyfriend, so I don’t have to deal with all your bullshit anymore.” Jess storms toward the front door but not before twisting the knife that he just shoved into my chest a little deeper.
“Learn to let someone in, Els, or you’re gonna wake up one morning and realize you’re all alone.”
And with that, he’s out the door. Leaving me, indeed, alone.
“Ellie?” Viv whispers to me as she lightly shakes me awake. I reluctantly open my eyes and lift myself off of the couch. My body feels as if it weighs a thousand pounds as I sit up to face her.
“Will talked to Jess. He told me what happened between you two.” Her voice is soothing, and an unwanted lump forms in my throat.
I will not cry. I will not cry.
Viv’s face is full of understanding as she sits down next to me and wraps her arms around me. Usually I’d mind her curly blonde hair invading my space, but right now it brings me a sense of comfort.
“I had to let him go, Viv. I’m so bad for him.” My voice cracks as I tell her the truth that’s been eating me alive for so long.
“Ellie, you’re not back at this place again, are you? I thought we figured all of this out. Now we know that Jess didn’t sleep with Tiffany; why aren’t you with him right now?” The concern in her voice is overwhelming, and I can tell she’s tiptoeing around what she really wants to say, so why not just tell her.
“I didn’t sleep with Dylan. I made him drop me home after we left. The whole thing just felt too wrong,” I finally admit. “No matter how hurt I was by Jess, I could never go that far to hurt him. Him thinking I did is bad enough.”
Viv lets out a deep breath and then physically shakes me.
“Eleanor, wake up! What is wrong with you? Neither of you did anything that you can’t come back from. You need to go to him and tell him this. From what Will told me, Jess is not okay in the slightest. And coming home to find you asleep at six p.m. again is telling me you’re not okay either.”
I turn my head away from her so she doesn’t see the shame engulfing me.
“Don’t you think I know all of this, Viv? I don’t deserve him. All I’ll do is hurt him even more.”
“Eleanor, you’re hurting him by not being with him. The fact that we’ve had to have two conversations in the past few days to convince you of your worth is really concerning. I love you. And I will never leave you, but if you let Jess go without even trying to fix things, you’ll just be adding another regret to your list.”
The truth of Vivian’s words is like a slap in the face, and I suddenly feel as if the ground beneath me is gone. I can’t remember a time when I’ve been happier than the past few months, not just with Jess, but with the family all of us have created together. Before this year, all I worried about was staying away from anything that could be potentially harmful to my life, but now I’ve realized it wasn’t even a life at all.
“Oh god,” I whisper through heavy breaths. “What the fuck have I done, Vivian?”
A gentle smile forms on her lips as she pulls me in for a hug. “Finally, you understand,” she whispers. Pulling away from me, she knits her brows. “Well, what are you still doing here? Go to him!” she yells through a laugh.
Not even bothering to see if I look semi decent, I grab my keys and rush out the door. The stairs are wet from the torrential downpour that’s occurring, so I take note to hold on to the bannister. The last thing I need is to break my back before I get to Jess.
Ignoring the rain that’s turning my previously vibrant curls to limp strands, I jump into my Jetta, and then I speed to Jess’s house, praying that he’s home.
Fifteen minutes later, I’m parked out front. I don’t even bother to try and collect my thoughts. It could potentially already be too late, and I’m not wasting time. I’ve decided to just come right out and tell him. He could reject me, but at least I’ll have tried.
I slam the driver’s door shut and sprint to the front of his house, but not fast enough to miss the rain that has now saturated me. Pulse racing a million miles a minute and my heart feeling as though it could burst at any moment, I pound on his front door.
It feels like a lifetime until it finally opens, but when it does, relief floods me.
He’s here.
The look of shock and annoyance on Jess’s face is undeniable, but I’m determined to not let it stop me. Without even being invited in, I push past him and begin.
“I need to talk to you, and I’m not leaving until I get it all out,” I state, trying to be strong. My hands tremble as a wide-eyed Jess looks me up and down, clearly confused as to my disheveled appearance. I wouldn’t be surprised if he thinks I’m having a manic episode.
“Eleanor,” Jess says warily as he looks me up and down, “are you okay?”
Am I okay? Seriously, after everything I’ve put him through, he’s asking if I’m okay?
He leads me down the narrow hallway filled with pictures of hockey players I now recognize due to the time he spent educating me. Knowing this could be the last time I’m here, I feel an immense wave of sadness. He signals for me to take a seat on the sofa, but there’s no way I can sit still right now.
Ignoring his request, I begin pacing in front of the television, clenching my fists, which refuse to be stationary.
“I didn’t sleep with Dylan,” I blurt out, not able to keep it in for a moment longer. “I mean, I have slept with him, but I didn’t last night. I just wanted you to think I did so you would hate me.”
Shock and what looks like relief register on Jess’s face, and his expression gives me permission to continue.
Teeth now chattering and with a serious cold on the horizon, I keep going. “My whole life I’ve disappointed the people I cared most about. First my dad, then Winona, Vivian, and now you.” Taking a deep breath, I look away from him, unable to let myself see his reaction for what is to come.
“Jesus, Jess, I don’t even know where to begin. My whole life for the past five years has just been one gigantic lie. I mean, my name isn’t even Eleanor, for Christ’s sake.”
I pause, knowing I’m crossing into uncharted territory. “What I’m about to tell you is going to change everything between us, and I have to accept that you may never see me the same way, but you deserve to know the truth.” I risk looking up at him and am surprised to see he no longer looks angry; rather, he looks concerned and scared for me.
“I didn’t grow up in Los Angeles,” I say quickly. Wanting to be able to see Jess’s reaction, I sit down next to him, making sure there’s at least a foot of space between us. I’m reassured by the fact that the way he looks at me hasn’t changed, so I continue.
“I’m originally from Jersey, but I spent my summers in Los Angeles with my aunt.” I swallow before proceeding. “My dad didn’t exactly have an ethical job, so when stuff got bad at home, my parents would ship me out to LA for a few months until everything died down.” I look around the room, unsure if I can even continue, but Viv’s face appears in my mind, and I
know I need to tell Jess.
“I was fifteen when it happened,” I whisper quietly.
“What happened?” Jess asks, urging me to continue.
“I was at my best friend Winona’s house when I found out. My mother had been shot in an alleyway, point blank.” Chills break out across my skin, but I keep going. “The cops said it must have been a mugging gone wrong, but we all knew the truth. It was someone sending a message to Vinny Morello.”
Recognition flashes in Jess’s eyes, and I know he’s aware of the infamous mobster Vinny Morello. How could he not be?
“My father,” I say shamefully.
My pulse skyrockets and my heart feels as if it’s going to explode out of my chest, but then Jess grabs my hand. His face is darkened with remorse, and I know that I can stop now, but finally telling him this… I think it may just make me stronger.
“They never found who did it. My mom, she was my dad’s whole world, and without her, he just didn’t know how to deal. And neither did I. My mom was everything to me, and in an instant she was gone. When I got home from Winona’s house, my dad was nowhere to be seen, so I went to my room and cried for what felt like a week straight. I haven’t cried since.”
Jess’s hold around my hand tightens, and for once in my life, I feel as if I won’t break if I continue the story.
“My dad didn’t come home for three weeks after he found out. I was all alone to grieve for my mother, and when he finally walked through the door, he couldn’t even look at me.” I suck in a sharp breath at the pain of the memory. Although it’s been nearly six years, I will never forget that moment. The moment I lost my father’s love and with that, my ability to love.
“Els,” he whispers, “you don’t have to continue. I had no idea you went through all of this. I mean, I always knew there was something you weren’t telling me, but this? Jesus Christ, you were just a child.” Jess seems angry, but not with me. For me.
“The next few months were some of the worst of my life. My father practically ignored my existence, with the exception of the large amounts of money being thrown my way each month. I guess that was his way of dealing, you know?
“But I had to deal too, and that’s when it got bad. I started going out way too much, getting drunk almost every night, and hooking up with guys whose names I didn’t even remember in the morning. I was only just sixteen, and I pushed away anyone who could have given a shit about me, even my best friend, Winona.
“I had finally had enough, unable to deal with the constant reminder of how broken my family had become, so I left, never once looking back.” I let out a breath that I’ve been holding for the past six years and can’t ignore the relief that floods through me.
I’ve finally said it. Finally admitted to another person the truth about me, about who I was. Who I am.
When I look up at Jess, he also seems to be relieved, but his lack of words has put me on edge.
“You can say something. I mean, anything. I mean, you can ask me anything too if you want. Like at all,” I say with a nervous laugh.
“So I’m assuming your real name is Amanda? Considering the way you freaked out at my mom’s party when that man recognized you, I’m guessing you knew him?” Jess asks, free of judgment, only with curiosity.
“Yeah, my real name is Amanda, but only my dad really called me that. My mom had called me Eleanor ever since I was born. Big Beatles fan.” I shrug with a humorless laugh.
Jess’s eyes begin to regain some of the life that’s been missing for the past few days. “Eleanor Rigby,” he says with a smile. “She had good taste.” He nods as if it’s not a question but a fact.
“She was the best. She didn’t deserve what happened to her,” I whisper sadly.
Jess doesn’t say anything, but his expression says everything. He understands. But does that mean he forgives me?
“So, do you know where your dad is now?”
His question pulls me away from my worries, and I shake my head.
“I honestly have no idea. I’m sure I could find him if needed; it isn’t like it would be too hard. But I don’t want to. I don’t know why, but he blames me for her death, and I guess I blame him in return.”
A lump forms in my throat, and I look away from Jess’s gaze because, for the first time in years, I realize that I blame my father and maybe he always knew it. For all I know, he could blame himself, but that doesn’t excuse what he did. He pushed me away when I needed him, and that can’t be forgiven.
“I’m so sorry, Els,” Jess whispers.
I look up and give him the best smile I can offer, but I think we both know it’s frugal.
“I’m sorry I didn’t tell you until now. It’s just never occurred to me that I would find someone else besides Viv worth telling.”
“You’ve never told anyone besides Vivian?” he asks, clearly shocked.
I can feel my cheeks begin to burn because we’re finally at that point, the point where I tell him how much he means to me.
“Only Vivian and my best friend, Winona. But Winnie and I don’t talk anymore.” I look into his eyes, hoping, praying, that he understands how much telling him means to me.
“I understand if it’s too late, Jess. I get it if I fucked this up so majorly that you might not be able to see past it, but I want you to know, hell, I need you to know, I want this. I may not always be able to tell you everything right away, but I’m willing to try. I want us.”
I’ve done it. I have laid myself bare in front of him, and now it’s his move.
His silence begins to slowly crush me. Fear creeps up that I will, in fact, be rejected.
“I’ve wanted you since the day you sat next to me in Stein’s class,” he whispers before pulling me forward and connecting his lips with mine. I exhale the breath I’ve been holding and lean into him, deepening the kiss.
The kiss is slow, reassuring almost, unlike the frantic pace of our last one. He cups my face in his hands and pulls away, looking me in the eyes.
“If we’re going to do this, we’re going to do it the right way, Eleanor. I won’t do this half-assed. You mean too much to me. I want to be your boyfriend; I want us to be exclusive. I won’t share.”
His declaration nearly makes my heart jump out of my chest, and a huge grin spreads across my face.
“I would expect nothing less, Mr. Parker.” I giggle as he pulls me into his arms.
“Hey,” I say warily as Dylan takes a seat in front of me at Little Billie’s, a local coffee shop. His hair is wet and styled to the side, so I can tell he’s just showered, not that the scent of his designer aftershave didn’t give it away.
Jesus, I hope he doesn’t think I asked him to meet me for the wrong reasons. By the look on his face, I’m going to say he does.
“So what’s up, Els? You finally decided to give in and go out with me?” He laughs at his own words, but I can’t help but notice the flicker of hope behind his eyes.
I anxiously pull apart a napkin, trying to find the words to let him down easily. After Jess and I decided to be official, I figured I owed Dylan the courtesy of telling him in person.
“Dylan,” I say cautiously as I look up at him. His carefree expression is gone, and instead he looks as if he knows what I’m gonna say next.
“Whatever we were doing, it can’t happen again. It won’t happen again. I’m sorry if I led you on.”
“It’s Parker, isn’t it?” he says with a scoff. His question is met by my silence, and he has my answer. Usually, I wouldn’t feel this bad about telling someone we have to break it off, but with Dylan it’s different. My relationship with Jess is all he ever wanted with me, and it was all I could never give him.
“I’m sorry, Dylan. I know you and I weren’t together, but I felt I owed it to you to tell you in person as a courtesy for what we had.”
“He’s just going to hurt you, Eleanor. I mean, it’s Jess fuckin’ Parker. He’d screw anything if you’d let him.”
My shoulders tense at
his words, not because I think them true, but because he has the balls to insult Jess to my face.
“I’m gonna go,” I say, grabbing my purse and slinging it over my shoulder, not bothering to continue this conversation.
“I guess it’s my own fault for not figuring it out earlier,” he says as I slide out of the booth.
“I guess so,” is all I reply as I walk out of the coffee shop, not looking back once.
“How do you think they’re going to react?” Jess asks as he opens the door to Dina’s for me.
The scent of fried food and pancakes hits me as soon as I walk through the door, and a huge smile spreads across my face. After the day I’ve had, there’s nothing I want more than Dina’s.
Jess and I seat ourselves next to each other in a booth near the back and wait for Viv and Will.
“I honestly don’t know.” I shrug. “I mean, Viv is definitely going to be initially shocked, you know, considering I haven’t had a serious boyfriend. But I think once it settles, she won’t be surprised. She kind of gave me the little extra push to come and find you yesterday.”
Jess’s smile doubles in size, and he pulls me into his side. “I guess I owe Viv thanks then.”
I can’t fight the grin on my face, and to be honest, I don’t want to fight it.
“Jess, I figure you probably already know this, but you can’t tell Will about my past. It isn’t that I don’t trust him, but I just can’t risk it getting out.”
“I wouldn’t dream of it, Els. I will take this to my grave if you ask me to.”
I lace my fingers through Jess’s and let out a small sigh. “Thank you, Jess, for everything.”
“You don’t need to thank me,” he says with sincerity, and I know he means it.
“Yes, I do. Before you came along, I lived my life in constant fear of people discovering who I was, but since I met you, none of that has mattered. So a ‘thank you’ is definitely in order.”
He doesn’t argue with me, because I think he understands. Instead, he pulls me close and gives me the briefest kiss across my lips.
I guess it wasn’t that brief, because both of us hear a throat clear behind us. Will and Viv are staring at us, both with goofy grins on their faces.
Brief Encounters_The Encounters Series Page 17
