Everything Is Awful and You're a Terrible Person

by Daniel Zomparelli

  His son arrived late today. “Boy, you make me wait out here in the freezing cold.”

  “Dad, it’s summer.”

  “This place, it’s always cold. Never gets hot. I dunno why she made us come here. Always raining and always cold. I can’t walk anywhere. Then I walk, and I get sweaty so I gotta hold my jacket and then I get inside and they got that air conditioning and I getta cold again. Everyone here is crazy. You hear me?”

  “Yes, Dad. Everyone is crazy. I got it.”

  “You no believe me. You always think you so smart.”

  “Yes, Dad. I am so smart.”

  “You just like you mother, think you so smart.”

  The car pulled up to his house. He fumbled out of the car. Inside, he put on a small saucepan for the pasta. He ate dinner quietly in front of the TV. Cleaned his dishes. Turned off the TV.

  ///

  “So, I have a coupla drinks. And they say I’m too drunk. I was no drunk. No, I had a coupla beers, that’s all. Just a coupla beers. And they sneak around the corner and tell me I’m a drunk. No! They drunk. They must be drunk. They take my breath and no let me see, so I say, no, I’m a no drunk. You drunk! And they take my license away. Now, I gotta sit here and talk to you stupid kids. You kids need to get a real job and then, then you can have a couple beers and drive. And I gotta drive her to the hospital, and I couldn’t no do that anymore. And you take my license away. How was I supposed to drive her to the hospital? And she too sick to—”

  He pulled at his thumb.

  “I dunno, boy. I dunno where I am.”

  His son was waiting for him outside. “You come too early, you waste you time coming this early. You know, these stupid people. They don’t understand. I need my license, I can no have you drive me everywhere. I gotta go work. I gotta get out of the house. I’m just supposed to sit and watch TV all day? I go crazy.”

  “Dad, you’re retired.”

  “I know that. You don’t think I know that? She leave us with all this debt. I don’t know what she was thinking. She come into my life and she want a business and she want all those clothes and that car. She want all this diamonds and gold, and I can no afford that. And the casino. She just put money into that machine, into that god damn building. And now … It don’t matter.”

  He pulled out his wallet to give his son some money for the gas. A small key fell out of the wallet.

  “Dad, what’s this key for? It’s almost rusted over.”

  “It no matter. For my truck.”

  “But your truck is broken.”

  “I just forgot about it. My truck was broken one time, and your mom, she got a key fixed for me. So the key work, but it didn’t start the engine. It just get me into the truck. But later, I lose the key, and then I find it again. I found it in her purse. So I took it.”

  “We can get you a replacement.”

  “I’m not stupid. I know we can get a replacement. Everything break, though. Everything. You know it’s that stupid curse.”

  “Dad, what?”

  “That gypsy, I tell you about her, remember?”

  “You have never told me this story before.”

  “Yes I did, you never listen. Before I get here, on the boat, in Italy. I pissed some woman off and she curse me. Why you think I get sick all the time?”

  “I’ve never even seen you with a cold before.”

  “No, sick, like my head hurts sick. You get it too. You know, why we can no drink coffee. Sick, like head too fast sick.”

  “Dad, that’s not a real thing. You weren’t cursed.”

  “Yeah, I get cursed and all this bad things happen. I even tried to get rid of it, I go to that psychic and she broke an egg over my head and it turned black, or no, the egg inside was black.”

  “The yoke?”

  “Yes! And she say she fixed it, but I still get sick and all this shit happened.”

  “A broken egg isn’t gonna fix this, Dad, and a gypsy isn’t the reason we get sick.”

  “Look at all the bad stuff that happen. How you think it happen?”

  “Dad, that’s not how it works.”

  The car pulled up to his house. He fumbled out of the car. Inside, he put on a small saucepan for the pasta. He ate dinner quietly in front of the TV. Cleaned his dishes. Turned off the TV.

  ///

  “Thank you for coming in. We have the forms for you to sign and then we can meet with you individually to figure out payments for your interlock ignition. You can pick up your new license at any ICBC location.” The teacher walked around to each student and handed out the forms.

  “I don’t know what any of this means. I wait for my son,” he yelled to no one in particular.

  His son walked into the class as everyone was packing up their belongings. The son started to talk with the teacher then waved his father over. He grunted, then walked to the front of the class.

  “Dad, she’s saying that you might not have to bother with the whole interlock ignition because of an amendment to the law.”

  “So I get my license?”

  “It sounds like it.”

  “Okay.”

  He pulled at his thumb.

  “I no want to pay for it anyway. Crooks take all my money.”

  The teacher and his son laughed. The son signed the papers on his behalf and ushered him to his car. “We’ll stop by the insurance place on the way home.”

  “For what?”

  “For your license.”

  “Nah, I don’ need that today. We get it another time.”

  “Dad, you can start driving again.”

  “Nah, I don’ need it. Don’ worry about it. Okay, just take me home.” He grabbed a book at his feet, “Another day,” and threw it into the back seat. “I don’ need it. Just take me home.” He pulled at his thumb. His son turned up the radio. “I remember when I was your age, I listen to music and go out to the disco.”

  His son responded with silence.

  “Back then, I even went to that disco where you go roller skating. I remember I was nineteen, and I just get here. I can no speak English, and Friday they give us a paycheque and we go out. We stay out all night, and then Sunday we drive around church to see if there was any girls who wanted to get married. You gotta go to church, that’s where you find a girlfriend. You never have a girlfriend, you’re getting too old, and no girls. You can’t be alone. I’m alone now, and I know marriage was no good, but at least someone is there. Sure, you drive each other crazy, and we fight, but I dunno. I remember that, going out Sunday, driving around looking for girls, and then I meet your mother. Now I’m here. I dunno. I get my license and where do I go?”

  “We can still pick it up.”

  “No. I have nowhere to go.”

  The car pulled up to his house. He waited for the car to pull away, then walked around to the back of the house. He lifted a small package from a planter, a mix of salt and pepper. He opened it, let it scatter across the backyard as rain trickled down. He put the key back into the packet and into the planter. Once inside, he put on a small saucepan for the pasta. He ate dinner quietly in front of the TV. Cleaned his dishes. Turned off the TV.

  HANDSOME MEN

  Mother

  You know, I had a boyfriend that I met at the hospital once, it was just like this hospital. I was very sick, and this other man was in the bed across from me.

  Me

  I thought you only had that boyfriend before you met Dad.

  Mother

  No, I had another boyfriend. We only dated for a short time. He was so handsome. Really attractive. I was only sixteen, you know?

  Me

  How did he ask you out?

  Mother

  He just kept flirting with me while in the hospital. We were both in hospital gowns. Then finally he asked me out. Handsome men don’t really need to hesitate to ask anyone out.

  Me

  I guess not. Why didn’t it work out?

  Mother

  You can never trust handsome
men.

  Me

  I know.

  FAKE BOYFRIEND

  Welcome to Fakeboyfriend.net. Would you like a boyfriend who texts you all the time, and ONLY has time for you? Sign up NOW for your first twenty texts free. Fakeboyfriend.net is here for you.

  NEIL

  Neil: So how does this work?

  Anthony: Well, I can meet you for sushi, or we can go see a movie.

  Neil: But you don’t actually come to see the movie or eat with me?

  Anthony: Um, well, I mean, I have all the time in the world for you.

  Neil: So we just text?

  Anthony: I am a really good listener.

  Neil: What do you look like?

  Anthony: I have brown hair, blue eyes, and I’m a surfer, so pretty fit.

  Neil: I’m mostly into Asians.

  Anthony: I forgot, I’m half Asian.

  ERIK

  Anthony pulled up to the café. He could see a guy texting on his phone who looked like the guy described. He sat in his car for a while, still texting him. “I’m here, where are you?” Erik texted back, “sitting at a table, join me.”

  Anthony unbuckled the seatbelt, wiped the sweat from his forehead, and got out of the car. He ordered a coffee and waited, without turning around to find Erik. He wasn’t ready to say “hello” until he was mentally prepared. The barista called out his order. He took the coffee and slowly walked toward the guy he was certain was Erik.

  “Hi.”

  “Hello.” Erik looked up from his phone.

  “Um. I’m Anth—”

  “Anthony, from fakeboyfriend.net.”

  “Yeah.”

  Anthony sat down and took a sip of his coffee, while Erik continued to look at his phone for a moment, then put his phone down; he was sweating. “So, this isn’t, like, part of the service, is it? Like, you shouldn’t be here?”

  “Technically, no. And it would be great if you didn’t report me. If they find out that I’ve visited one of my clients, they’ll fire me right away.”

  Erik nodded and looked at his phone. The sweat from his palms made the cover slippery.

  Anthony sighed and then finally perked up. “Did you know that one of the most common documented causes of breakups is not giving your relationship the proper title? We’re so used to labelling everything, that when it’s mislabelled, it can lead to broken hearts. Imagine someone mislabelled something at the grocery store, and you bought it, say hummus, but you wanted spinach dip. You’d return it, right?”

  “Heh, yeah, I guess.” Erik sipped his iced coffee.

  “So, I guess we already kind of know each other a lot.”

  Erik smiled. “I guess you’re right. How long do you think you’ll have to work at fakeboyfriend.net until you finish your masters in Biology?”

  “Oh, like a couple years at the most. I’ve had a lot of interest from employers.”

  “Sorry to sound stupid, but what does someone with a Masters in Biology do?”

  “They mostly do research jobs.”

  Erik smiled. Anthony put down his mug and took some of the foam from the sides with his finger and licked it. He hadn’t grabbed a napkin so he wiped his finger on his shorts.

  The short coffee date turned into dinner that turned into drinks. Anthony refused the drinks but had a soda. Erik drank more and more until his hands were touching Anthony’s lap.

  “You want to come over?” Erik was slurring by now.

  Anthony nodded.

  KEVIN

  Anthony: It’s just for a coffee, I promise. Nothing weird.

  Kevin: I just can’t. Please. I don’t feel well. I don’t want to meet you.

  Anthony: I promise I am just as nice in real life.

  Kevin: I don’t do well in public places. I just need to talk, please.

  DAVE

  Dave: Tell me you’re sorry again.

  Anthony: I’m sorry.

  Dave: Like u mean it

  Anthony: I’m so so sorry, i never meant to heart u

  *hurt

  *autocorrect

  Dave: Thank you.

  Anthony: I know this might be weird, but would you maybe want to meet in person?

  Dave: I didn’t think that’s how this service worked.

  Anthony: Well, it doesn’t. But I just think maybe we have a real connection.

  Dave: I don’t know. That doesn’t feel right.

  (…)

  Anthony: No worries. Just a thought.

  Dave: Okay. Or, just not right now.

  ERIK

  Erik: What are you up to?

  Anthony: Just thinking about you.

  Erik: :) You want to hang out this week?

  Anthony: Of course! You name the place and time.

  Erik: Sushi, Main Street?

  Anthony: Perfect.

  Erik: Wait, but we will actually hang out, right? Like, you’re not playing fakeboyfriend right now and we will actually meet?

  JULIAN

  Anthony waited outside Julian’s place. He memorized the walkway, every step that led to the doorway, the pathway that swooped around the entrance, the plants that lined the windows. Julian came out of the basement suite door on the west side of the house. He was tall, handsome, and very young. Much younger than Anthony’d expected.

  Julian smiled at Anthony and walked over to the car. When he sat down, Anthony quickly mumbled, “How old are you?”

  “I’m twenty-eight, like I told you.”

  “You’re not twenty-eight.”

  “Okay, no. I’m twenty-five.”

  Anthony felt a twitch in his stomach that let him know Julian was still lying, but if he made too much of a fuss he might get caught breaking his contract. Anthony started to drive and asked Julian more questions.

  “So, you like music?”

  “I love music.” Julian perked up.

  “What musicians do you like? Like, No Doubt or maybe, say, One Direction?”

  “Do I look like I’d be into One Direction?”

  Anthony grabbed them seats near the back of the theatre. He was already paranoid enough about being caught on dates, but it was obvious that there was more than ten years between his current date and himself.

  Julian put his hand on Anthony’s lap. Anthony couldn’t help but become aroused.

  “Who’s your favourite actor? Do you like, um, say, Chris Pine or are you more of a fan of Tom Cruise?”

  “Is Tom Cruise the one who was in those Speed movies?”

  Anthony nodded, not wanting to correct him. The movie started, and Julian’s hand slipped up Anthony’s thigh. He felt the button on his pants flick open and the pressure on his stomach released. Julian’s cold hand slid down into his underwear and pulled on his dick. Anthony inhaled deeply and let Julian’s head come down on his lap. “I’m not supposed to do this,” Anthony whispered. There were only a few theatre goers, but they looked like they were in their late sixties and sat as close to the front as possible.

  “You’re not twenty-five, are you?”

  Julian continued to tongue Anthony’s head and slowly turned to say, “I might be twenty-two.”

  NEIL

  Neil walked up toward the coffee shop. Anthony was sitting in a booth, texting on his phone.

  “Another boyfriend?”

  “Uh, yeah,” Anthony giggled nervously.

  “I am still weirded out by this, but I was intrigued.”

  “Intrigued how?”

  Neil gave him an irritated look. “Oh, I don’t know. Maybe someone using a weird fakeboyfriend site to find dates is just a bit … weird.”

  “I don’t use it to find dates.”

  “Right, so what is this?”

  “I just wanted to meet for coffee. I like to see the fakeboyfriend’s faces. It helps me provide a better service.”

  “Do you actually believe that?”

  Anthony became hot with irritation. His skin warmed and sweat gathered on his forehead. “I do!”

  “Right. Have you even h
ad a real boyfriend before?”

  “Yes! I’ve had several! I was even almost married once.”

  Neil laughed, “Well, then what happened—you found out he wasn’t real?”

  “Fuck you. We were happy. We were just—”

  “What, not enough time to come up with your lie when there’s no phone between us?”

  “We lived in different cities and he, he couldn’t move here.”

  “Sure.”

  “I don’t have to prove anything to you.”

  “Okay, well, this has been enlightening, but I am done here.” Neil got up to walk away, but turned back. “You’re not even half Asian, are you?”

  “It’s what you wanted me to be.”

  Neil looked at the floor. Anthony could sense his sadness. “It’s okay to pretend.”

  Neil walked out of the coffee shop.

  ERIK

  Erik: You never came to sushi yesterday.

  Anthony: Sure, I did. We had a great time.

  JULIAN

  Julian: Hi, this isn’t Julian, this is his mother. It says on his phone that you are his boyfriend. Julian never told us he was gay. I do not know how else to say this but Julian passed away last night. I know we have never met but the family would like to meet you. This is a very tough time for me and our family and I would just like to know more about you. I’m sorry to be the one to tell you. — Maria

  Anthony: Let me know where I should meet you.

  The entire house was filled with grieving women. Everyone was dressed in black. They led me into the kitchen where several older women were simultaneously cooking and cleaning. They sat him next to a woman with her head down in her arms. An older woman rubbed the back of her neck.