by Mary Ramsey
“She’s not herself,” Johnny said.
I nodded. “I don’t even trust her not to kill me.”
Mother shook her head. “I really wish I could tell if you were joking.” She turned to Johnny. “You and Sara go pack, have a great time. Everything’s going to be fine.”
They came back Sunday night a couple hundred dollars richer and with a giant bag of M&Ms. At least as far as I could see when I woke up at midnight to spy on them. I mean greet them, of course. I got out of bed, slipping quietly into my wheelchair as Sara snuck into Shauna’s room with the candy. I watched from the doorway as my sister crept over to my daughter’s bed. Shauna was already sitting up, rubbing her eyes.
“Hey, Shauna,” Sara whispered.
She sat up in bed, wearing pink pajamas. “Auntie Sara!”
“A little treat for you …” Sara showed her the gallon-size bag. “I’m going to hide it behind the TV.”
Shauna nodded happily.
“Can I braid your hair?” Sara asked, sitting back on the bed, picking up a brush. “I always loved braiding your daddy’s hair. Your daddy has hair like a fairytale princess.”
I rolled my eyes at that, but watched while Sara braided Shauna’s hair, then kissed my daughter goodnight. “Welcome home, Sis,” I said as she crept back out.
Sara shut the door quietly and walked past me with only a pat on the shoulder. “Goodnight, Sean.” She went to the bedroom where Remy lay asleep. I watched as she took off her clothes and slipped into bed, straight into his arms.
Johnny sighed as he approached, carrying their luggage. “Have you heard from Diego?”
“No, sorry, man. At least we haven’t received any body parts in the mail.”
Johnny laughed. “True, maybe his wife has changed.”
“Yeah, maybe,” I said, still focused on Sara and Remy. “I’m still working on getting that asshole out of the house. It’s just difficult with how much certain people love him.”
“Yeah.” Johnny put down the bags and went directly to the sofa.
I couldn’t help but feel for the guy.
The next morning, after Sara left for school, Jen had an announcement to make while she made the breakfast. “I think we need to discuss sending Shauna to school.”
I winced in agreement—we were cutting it damn fine. August would be right on top of us before we knew it, and finding a school with openings would not be an easy task. She brought over plates of scrambled eggs, hash browns, and pancakes in two runs, handing them to me, Johnny and Shauna over by the sofa. My daughter was sitting on my lap, watching a cartoon explaining the educational merits of the Bible. Remy was asleep on a nearby loveseat.
Jen made herself a plate and pulled up the kitchen chair, facing us as if conducting an interview. “Did you hear me? Shauna needs to go to school.”
“No, I want to stay here!”
I took my daughter’s hand, knowing Jen was right. “It’s okay, hon, you’ll like it.”
“Daddy needs to get better. So, we all need to focus on helping him.”
“No,” Johnny said with a stern glare. “Do not try to say she needs to go to school for Sean’s benefit.”
“Please be quiet for those of us with a hangover,” Remy groaned. Shauna shimmied off my lap to sit with him. “Hey little one,” he said, holding her like she was a teddy bear. “You’re so soft and warm.”
Jen groaned as Shauna giggled. “I know all of you think of her as your baby doll, but Shauna has to go to school. She needs to be around actual teachers and kids her own age.”
I reached for Shauna, hoping she would choose my lap over Remy’s. “How would we even go about getting her into a school?”
“I was thinking you would ask your fairy godmother.”
“Fine,” I said, calling her bluff and reaching for my phone. “Shauna, do you want to talk to London?”
She nodded and finally left Remy’s lap. “I miss London.”
I had my mentor on speed dial and, as expected, she picked up on nearly the first ring and was more than willing to help, asking right away for me to put Shauna on the line.
I handed Shauna the phone and listened in as London hyped up “Heart of our Lord Elementary School”. From what I could gather, it was an expensive private school that she and all her sisters had attended, and they still had friends on the governing board. After just ten minutes of chatting about her connections, it seemed like Shauna had a guaranteed space for the upcoming semester.
With that parental win under her belt, Jen allowed Shauna to spend the rest of the day with me and Johnny. We played video games and then cooked lunch. After lunch, Shauna participated in a very special physical therapy session. Johnny had me lie down on the living room floor and rolled up my sweatpants to my knees, exposing my bare feet and ankles.
“Shauna, I want you to tickle your daddy’s feet.” This would serve as a distraction for his real test: how much feeling did I have in my legs?
“Sean, can you feel that?” he asked as he placed soft pressure on my knee.
I nodded, smiling, then raised my upper body, putting my weight on my elbows and wrists. Johnny asked me to flex various muscle groups. He tested my reflexes and strength, figuring out how to gain strength in my legs without putting weight on them. “I’m going to lift your leg. Hold it in place for as long as you can.”
“You can do it, Daddy!” Shauna cheered, still tickling my feet.
Johnny was smiling because he knew that when I didn’t focus on the pain, my body was stronger. I completed six lifts with my right leg and five with my left.
“Impressive, that should be enough for today. Shauna, for your help, you can pick what I make for dessert this evening.”
I fell asleep to the sound of Shauna and Johnny laughing in the kitchen. Jen was nowhere to be found, but I was too exhausted to care.
“You know, Sean, when we first met, you were homeschooled by your mom.”
“What? Who said that?” Looking around, I was still in the condo, but everything was in black and white. Sitting in the loveseat, facing away, was a man with long blonde hair worn in cornrows and pulled into a ponytail. “Are you a friend of Remy’s?”
He chuckled, turning to face me, his shades not reflecting the light. He was the doppelganger I’d asked Sara to track down—Jayden Clarke. I massaged my temples, scrambling to remember where I’d seen him before I’d seen the pictures I’d sent Sara to help with the research. And then something clicked. It was sudden—maybe having him here, live, sparked the actual memory. Things started falling into place. I grinned.
“Yes …?” Jayden coaxed. “Remembering me yet?”
“You were a physical therapy nurse back in North Dakota. When my sister and I were seven, you took us to McDonald’s. Then we never saw you again. Mom said you got fired.”
“I did not get fired,” he groaned, sounding an awful lot like Remy. “I got accepted into medical school.”
“And you just happened to leave the same day my mom called security on you?”
He snorted. “Oh, that part you remember. Great.”
I gave an embarrassed shrug.
“I’ve seen you since.”
I shrugged again, feeling rude somehow, like I was denying his existence by not placing his face elsewhere. My head had taken a few knocks over the years. That was my excuse, and I was sticking to it.
He leaned forward, frowning. “You seriously don’t remember me or your mother—your birth mother, Izzy—talking you through your return to your body after your car accident? I know it’s been a long time since your smash, but still—”
“How do I know I’m not totally imagining you?”
“It’s scientifically proven that the brain cannot create faces. Everyone you see in a dream is someone you’ve seen in real life.”
“Like celebrities and fictional characters from movies,” I said with a nod.
The man chuckled. “Let’s say I’m a fictional character—an amalgamation of every cool
nurse you had as a kid. You want my advice or not?”
“Advice? Sure.”
“First off, listen to your wife. Shauna needs to be in school. Your mom kept you homeschooled until you were fourteen, but I don’t see you or Jen having that kind of discipline and commitment. And certainly not Mr. Johnny Jack-of-all-Trades. Damn, is he annoying.”
“I know. We’re getting that figured out.”
“You’re getting London to make it happen, you mean. Did Jen even get a vote?” His gaze was gentle, but the disapproval made me squirm. I figured against giving my side of the story—he seemed to know everything. “What do I do? How do I fix things?”
“Do what you should have been doing all along—support your wife, work to regain her trust and respect. That’s the key.”
He had a point. Maybe this dream was the physical manifestation of my conscience. “So, what are you? An angel?”
“Nope. Not even dead. I’m someone who made a lot of big mistakes so you, hopefully, won’t have to.” He stood up and walked to a window. “Do you remember what you said when you were a kid? What was your biggest dream?”
“I wanted to see the ocean. Growing up in North Dakota, it felt like an unachievable fantasy.”
“Maybe we’ll see it together one day.”
“I’ve seen the ocean.”
“From California, sure, but not where I’m from.”
I was going to ask where he was living now, but a single word drifted into my mind, like he’d nudged it there. “Portland?”
“Excellent. You’re very receptive,” he said with a smile. “Well, you be good to your wife and your daughter. I know you can do it. After all, we’re family.”
I opened my eyes back in reality. “We’re family?”
Ten
On Shauna’s first day of school, Johnny made sure to make her feel as comfortable as possible. He woke up early to start slow-cooker chocolate oatmeal: oatmeal so dense with chocolate and spices, it tasted more like chocolate lava cake. Sara, Jen and I woke up at seven to the smell of chocolate and coffee.
“This tastes like an orgasm,” Sara said with a smile.
“What’s an orgasm?” Shauna asked
Remy appeared and kissed Sara’s neck. “An orgasm is the purest form of happiness.” He yawned as he stretched his back. “Sean, you’ll be happy to know I’ll be moving out.”
“Really,” I said, actually feeling my eyes light up. “You’re serious?”
Shauna held Remy. “No, please don’t go.”
“Shauna,” Jen cut in, “finish your breakfast. You need to get dressed.”
“I don’t want to go, I’m scared. Why can’t Daddy come with me?”
Jen tried to steer Shauna toward the bathroom. “Daddy is like your teddy bear, and a big girl doesn’t need her teddy bear.”
Shauna twisted free, so I hugged her. “Don’t be scared. Heart of our Lord is literally a place of love.”
I returned to bed, waking hours later. Shauna’s first day went well; she came home with stories of new friends and new knowledge about faith. All the while I lay in bed hooked up to an antibiotic IV. At least Remy kept his word. He was gone before lunch. To where? I had no clue. Nor did I care.
For the next few days, I woke up with headaches and mild fevers, making me too tired to eat breakfast with Shauna. I could hear my family in the kitchen while I tried to sit upright in bed.
“Where’s Daddy?” Shauna asked, her voice fretful but loud.
“Still in bed. You can kiss him goodbye, but, baby, you have to eat your breakfast and get dressed.”
Johnny was moving around out there with them, likely preparing my morning cold packs of towels and ice. “How about this? Shauna, please take four more bites and I’ll come help you get dressed.”
“She’ll be hungry!”
“Then pack her a good lunch,” Johnny shot back. “Shauna, go take these cold packs to your daddy, I’ll meet you there. I’m just going to grab some orange juice to take with his pills.”
Shauna shuffled in, her arms full. “Good morning, Daddy.” My little girl placed the cold packs on my chest and forehead before crawling into bed with me.
When Johnny came in, she was lying on my chest, listening to my heart. She looked up at him, her lower lip quivering. “I can’t go to school, my daddy’s too sick.”
I hooked my arms around her for a tender hug. “I love you, Shauna. You need to be brave.”
Shauna held me tight. “I love you too, Daddy.”
The next few days would be just as bad. I couldn’t wake at seven, either due to sickness or physical exhaustion. The morning school run became a battle for control.
One day Jen woke Shauna up at six to watch her cook. Shauna tried to run off. “I want to see Daddy!”
“I thought today you could cook with Mommy. I learned how to cook from my mommy.”
“I want to see Daddy!”
I wrapped my forearm across my face, trying to retreat from the sounds of arguing. It was painful to listen to Jen trying to figure out different ways of keeping Shauna occupied before school, only for her to pitch a fit. Jen yelled at Shauna to go get dressed if she didn’t want to cook, and then the yelling reached a stand-off point, broken only by the ringing phone.
As Jen picked up, Shauna took the opportunity to run to my bed. I was shivering—not a fever, but my body was just exhausted.
“Daddy?” she held my hand. “Should I get Johnny?”
“No, please stay with me.” I was having horrible chest pains. It felt, in that moment, that there was a real possibility I was going to die.
Jen pulled her off. “Shauna, you’re going to be late for school.”
“Johnny!”
Johnny, wearing only boxer shorts, appeared at the doorway, jumping back as Jen forced Shauna out of the room.
There were too many mornings like that. Jen tried to get Shauna to adjust to a schedule: get up at seven, get dressed, eat breakfast, get in Johnny’s van, leave the house, battle traffic, and get to school by nine. What Jen did not budget enough time for was Shauna’s devotion to me. For a while, Jen felt she had the upper hand; she was bigger, she was stronger, but she didn’t have Shauna’s tenacity.
One day Shauna had run to my room to hide under my comforter, and it was a real job getting her out in the open. “Shauna, you can’t stay here. Mommy’s going to be upset.”
“Mommy’s scary. Please, Daddy. Let me hide here.”
Jen barged in. “Where is she?”
I groaned, trying to fake a headache and postpone a showdown.
I could hear Sara emerge from her bedroom. Her door had god-awful hinges, and Sara’s tread was never light before eight. Jen called to ask her if she’d seen Shauna, yelling, frustrated, that she’d looked everywhere.
“You haven’t looked everywhere, trust me,” Sara snapped.
“What are you saying?”
“Jeez, ask Johnny. Even he knows Shauna better than you do.”
From my open door I watched the drama unfold, wishing Sara would choose better times to open her mouth. She really wasn’t helping things. Johnny was already awake, making coffee.
Jen paced the main room, checking behind sofas and under tables. “Guys, it’s getting late. Where is Shauna?”
I didn’t catch what he said, but from her body language, it looked like he’d thrown me under the bus.
“I checked Sean’s bed.”
Don’t come back!
Johnny slumped into a seat. “Did you get close enough to touch him?”
Son of a bitch!
Jen paused for a second, breathing, staring at the ceiling. Then she stomped towards my room. Johnny put down his coffee and ran after her. At that moment I didn’t know what to feel; Shauna was trembling in my arms, so there was no way Jen wouldn’t see her.
At the doorway, Jen stood for a moment shaking her head, as if talking to herself. She looked on the verge of tears. I understood why. Shauna had to go to school. And I had to
stand up for my wife. But first I had to stand up to my wife.
Jen pursed her lips as she stood in silence with her hands at her sides, fists clenched. Then, much to my surprise, she turned and glared at Johnny. “You are such a piece of shit!”
“Jen, baby,” I said in my most soothing tone. “Calm down, take a step back, and then I’ll tell Shauna to get up.
Shauna peeked out from under the blanket. She briefly locked eyes with Jen and shuddered, clinging to me even harder and burying her face in my chest. “It wasn’t Johnny, it was me,” Shauna cried. “I want to stay with Daddy.”
Jen tore off my dark blue comforter. “Shauna, I need you to get up.”
“No.”
“Now!”
Within the struggle, I took a hit right to my chest port. I tried to hide it, but couldn’t help but recoil in pain.
“I hate you, Mommy!” Shauna lashed out with her long legs, kicking Jen hard in the thigh.
Jen gasped, grabbing her leg and accidentally dropping Shauna on the carpeted floor. The thump was loud. Like, loud. There was a moment of ominous silence from my girl as she figured out what had just happened.
I threw off my blankets and tried to get out of bed, but my legs collapsed under me. My little girl could have been hurt and there was nothing I could do. But she got right back up.
“Are you alright, Shauna?” I asked, holding her.
“Daddy, I hit my shoulder.”
Jen grabbed Shauna by the bad arm, making her scream.
“Jen, please.” As she backed up, I slowly moved my hand to Shauna’s face. She was so amazing, her heart, her beauty, her extraordinary mind. “You know your Auntie Sara used to pull me out of Grandma Claire’s bed, just so she could be the one to love me?” I traced her soft cheeks, brushing back the beautiful dark hair that she never let Jen cut. She wanted her hair to be long and wavy like mine. “And you know where Auntie Sara is all day, every day?”
“School, because she’s going to be a doctor,” Shauna replied, sniffing.
“So that’s where you should be.”
She was still holding her arm. Nervously, I lifted her shirt to examine her back. She had the beginnings of a massive bruise.
Jen cupped her hands over her mouth and quickly left the room, making Shauna cry harder than before. I rocked her in my arms, looking to Johnny for help. I knew I couldn’t stand on my own, much less carry my daughter. Did I even want to force her to go to school in this condition? “Mommy didn’t mean to hurt you. You understand that, right?”
