Possibility Days

by Mary Ramsey

  “Old habits, huh?”

  “I was clean for sixteen years.” Remy looked up at the ceiling like a zombie.

  “Backslid, huh?”

  “I guess I unraveled more than a little when Diego walked out.”

  “Have you heard from him at all?”

  “Nope. I got Sara’s text about Suzanna, though.”

  “So, you knew his wife was dead and you didn’t go back to him? Why?”

  “I wanted to, I really did. But I was so fucked up. I was jacked on heroin and cocaine, bouncing from place to place. Falling in and out of love.” Remy swallowed hard. “I’ve been clean for two days now. I need to get help.”

  Jayden returned with a makeshift first-aid kit.

  “Is that my stuff?” I asked, referring to the needles and pills.

  “I’ll replace any items used in the treatment of your friend.” Jayden sat on the edge of the bed and reached for the ointment. “To treat the cut,” he explained to Remy. “Sean, you need to get back to the wedding. I’ll be there in a minute.”

  “Don’t do anything I wouldn’t do.”

  I rolled myself back to the ceremony and got myself out of my chair just in time. Izzy and Shauna did their walk, sprinkling pink rose petals on the ground before taking their place beside Johnny. I tried to put Remy out of my mind; there was enough drama to deal with. I wanted Sara to have one peaceful, beautiful moment— my moment.

  Sara didn’t have a bouquet of flowers, leaving her hands free to clutch my arm as I stood alongside her, already a little lightheaded without the oxygen break I’d planned on earlier. There were tears in her eyes. “You didn’t have to do this.”

  “I wanted to,” I whispered. “You were always my other half, my courage, my strength.”

  When we finally made it to the front, the minister opened his spiel. “Who gives this bride away?”

  “I … do.” My courage was met with applause, but the act took a lot out of me.

  Jen brought my wheelchair around. She patted my shoulder as I took a seat. “You did good.”

  “Dearly beloved, we are gathered here to bear witness to the love of Sara Jane Foster and Jonathan Phoenix Desilva …”

  I couldn’t stop grinning during the ceremony, and was intrigued about the vows they’d written for each other. The minister passed his wireless microphone to Johnny first.

  “For my wild rose,” he began. “Your spirit is larger than life and your determination is inspirational.” He focused on her hand, tracing his thumb over where they planned to get matching ring tattoos of the prairie rose, North Dakota’s state flower. “As you know, my family isn’t here. I’ve been on my own since I left home. But when I met you, I felt like I’d found my true home.”

  A gust of wind blew past Johnny, making him pause.

  Cam appeared, touching Sara’s shoulder. “My dad really does wish he could have been here to see you.”

  Johnny looked to me, as if to confirm what we were both seeing.

  I nodded, and I even got why he’d suddenly shown up. It was because of Remy’s appearance, I was sure of it.

  Johnny went on with his vows, smiling at his bride. “I know my real reason for being on this earth. It’s to make you happy. I want to be your best friend, your greatest supporter. I love you, Sara.”

  The minister motioned for Sara to take the microphone.

  “With this ring, I am wed,” she began, following his lead, and then took Johnny’s ring from Shauna, who had the job of being her ring-bearer.

  As Shauna stood back, smiling, I wondered if she could see Cam. Didn’t seem so. She was too calm.

  Cam had a look of disappointment. “Oh well. I’ll miss you, Shauna.” He then looked back at Johnny and Sara. “Sara inscribed the word ‘grateful’ in the ring. That’s interesting.”

  “Why do you say that?”

  “Let’s just say these two have a tough road ahead.”

  I tried to stay lighthearted as Sara held the ring, touching the inscription. “I tried to think of a word, one word that described how much I love you, Johnny. The day we met was one of the worst days of my life, but you … you never left my side. You were under no obligation to stay, but you did. You helped my family through a dark time, then you followed me out to California when you could have just chosen to forget about me.”

  “I could never forget you, Sara.”

  “For that, I’m grateful,” she said, placing the ring on his finger. “I’m so grateful to have you in my life, for everything that you do, for being the mystical Phoenix that you are.” She took his hand, squeezing it hard. “I can’t promise I’ll always treat you with dignity—” that got a laugh “—but I promise I will always love you.”

  “Man, you still have a chance to run,” I joked.

  Cam took a step backward. “You don’t know the half of it.”

  “With this ring, I am wed,” Johnny whispered in her ear as put his arms around her.

  “You may kiss the bride,” the minister announced, even as Sara cupped Johnny’s face in her hands.

  Watching people toss rice at my sister and my best friend, all I could think of was Cam’s warning, and how much I hoped he was wrong.

  Fifteen

  The next day I awoke to Shauna poking me.

  “Remy’s here!”

  I sat up, grabbing my crutches. I’d slept in the braces, which was weird. Must have been too tired to feel them. Or maybe Jen was too tired to take them off before bedtime. Jen was on her bed with Remy, holding him. As Shauna gave me a puzzled look, silently asking me why he was crying, I saw Jen’s phone on the comforter.

  “Oh God,” Remy groaned, “it can’t be true.”

  I took a seat on the corner of the bed. “I take it you’ve seen Diego’s email.” I had to wait for him to pull himself together for a moment, and was really glad I hadn’t told him about the cancer claim yesterday, before the wedding. That would’ve been a mess. “About the cancer,” I said gently. “Do you think it’s true?”

  Remy sat up. “Do I think he’s dying of cancer at an unnamed hospital? Why wouldn’t it be true?” He turned to Jen. “What did the police say?”

  “Yes, Mom,” Shauna echoed. “What did the police say?”

  Jen glared at us.

  Remy grabbed Jen’s shoulder. “I’m sensing a lot of negative energy.”

  Shauna crawled onto the bed, next to Remy. “Back in California, Mommy hit Daddy, and when I tried to stop her, she hit me.”

  “Are you fucking shitting me?” Remy spat at Jen. “After what your mother did to Diego?”

  “Language,” I snapped, pointing at Shauna. I didn’t give a crap about the hypocrisy at that point. Remy had no business getting in Jen’s face.

  Remy remained focused on Jen, blocking me out. “This is unacceptable. You need to look into your husband’s eyes with compassion. And Sean, I want you to look at Jen and tell her what you’re feeling and what you want out of your relationship.”

  “What I want,” I growled, “is for you to let go of my wife.”

  Remy released Jen, looking startled. “I was only trying to help—”

  “You’ve got be kidding me! Your life experiences include you disappearing off the face of the earth when the going gets tough. While the man you claim to love was burying his wife, you were—” I cut my volume for a second “—screwing your way across the country.”

  “When you were with my dad, you were a different person,” Jen said as she shoved Remy. “Now, if you’ll excuse me …”

  I got off the bed, intending to follow my wife. “I’ll allow you to redeem yourself by hanging out with my daughter,” I said to Remy. “But I swear to God, if you say anything that effed-up to my wife again, I will end you.”

  As I made my way down the corridor, I could just about make out Remy grumbling something to Shauna about heaven and God, and how we are all connected spirits, even when we were mad at one another. It was a good save. I guess I could be grateful he could still pull of
f his peaceful holy man act.

  Jen waited in the hallway, leaning against the wall. “I spoke to Jayden. He’s researching places to send Remy.”

  “Like an asylum?” I asked.

  Jen shrugged. “I really do hope that when he gets help, he’ll become the person that we used to know.”

  “The holistic hippy who, I honestly still believe, has a thing for me?”

  “I could handle that. At least it was predictable.” Jen walked to the bedroom. She flopped back on top of the bed covers, staring up at the ceiling. Her chest was heaving. I could see she was close to tears.

  “Remy’s a real asshole,” I muttered as I laid down by her side, leg braces and all. “Jen?”

  She was still looking at the ceiling, blinking away tears. “Yeah?”

  “Will you help me get my leg braces off?”

  “Yeah, sure.” She sat up. With lightning speed and precision, she freed my legs and shoved the braces off the bed. She then resumed staring at the blankness of the ceiling. “Remy really is an asshole. I mean, seriously—how do you report someone missing when you have no idea where to even start? Plus, my dad’s not a child. If he wants to die alone someplace …” The words choked in her throat. “If he wants to be alone, that’s his choice. Remy doesn’t hold a monopoly on caring about him.”

  As she rolled toward me, I noticed she was wearing an oversized Air Force sweatshirt along with my borrowed sweatpants.

  “That’s cool,” I said. “Where’d you get it?”

  “Japan.”

  “You visited an Air Force base?”

  “I took Shauna on a day trip to Okinawa.”

  “Oh.” So much stuff I’d missed out on in Japan while they were hanging out together.

  “Are you waiting for me to make breakfast?”

  It was clear she wanted to be left alone, but I didn’t want us to float apart again. “No, I’m good.”

  “Then what do you want?”

  “I want you.” I cupped her face in my trembling hands, so nervous. “I miss you.”

  Jen smiled as tears streamed down her face. “I missed you too. I miss US.”

  “I missed the United States too.”

  Jen tossed her head back, laughing. “That joke only works in text form.”

  “Apparently not.” I moved my hands under her sweatshirt, caressing her soft skin. “Take it off.” I chuckled slightly as I felt her suck in her gut. I was about to make a comment about how she didn’t have to impress me, and how she was, and always would be, my sexy dream girl, but decided actions spoke louder than words.

  For every touch, she responded with one of her own. We were kissing, caressing and undressing each other until naked in each other’s arms. And I was so unbelievably hard.

  Jen moved on top and soon I felt myself inside her, making love to my wife for the first time in what felt like forever.

  “Did you lock the door?”

  “No,” I answered honestly. But I didn’t want to stop. I couldn’t recall the last time I felt so strong.

  “What if Shauna walks in? Or worse, Remy?”

  “Shauna would walk back out, maybe ask questions later. Remy would probably want to join in.”

  Jen chuckled. We were too far into it to stop now. “It’s just you and me against the world, right Sean?”

  “The way it’s always been,” I moaned as I felt her body tense. “The way it always should be. I’ll love you for every moment we have. And I will love you long after I’m gone from this world.”

  From then on, Jen really cared for me. She administered all my medications, Johnny stepping back; she got me to appointments, and she kept me to a schedule. Best of all, she did it like she loved me.

  Which was just as well, because I got a whole lot sicker, and needed her close.

  The day Shauna started her new school in Portland, I woke up with a fever, dizzy and nauseous. Luckily, I’d slept with Jen and Shauna in the bed. Shauna shook my shoulder. “Daddy, are you okay?”

  “I’ll be fine,” I said between coughs. “I just need a minute.”

  When Jen saw how sick I was, she called Jayden to the guesthouse and went to get the kit to check my blood sugar. As she suspected, it was low. “You need to eat something.”

  “If I eat something, I’m just going to throw up.”

  “You can’t pass out during the school drop-off, hon.”

  Fair point. I needed to get my shit together. “Go make Shauna some breakfast and check back when Uncle Jayden gets here.”

  Jayden arrived twenty minutes later, dressed for work. “Are you sure you’re up for this? You can sit this one out. I’m sure Shauna will be fine.”

  “I’m fine,” I insisted. “I just need my oxygen and my chair … please.”

  Shauna came back in, looking adorable in her school uniform: a red shirt with the school’s redwood tree logo, and a burgundy skirt. “Mommy said to give you some apple juice.” She handed over a small box with the small straw already inserted while I slowly sat up.

  “I can hold it for you, Daddy.”

  I forced myself to finish it. The plan had been for all of us to ride with Izzy and Shauna in Jayden’s SUV. He helped me into my chair, attaching me to my oxygen.

  “After we drop off the girls, you’re going straight to the hospital.”

  “I’ll be fine, I’d rather go straight home.”

  “That’ll be a tall order—I’ve got a full day, and both Sara and Johnny drove to work.”

  “We can ask Sara for her truck after he’s been seen,” Jen suggested. “Would it be okay for her to hitch a ride home with you?”

  “I don’t see why not.”

  The school was only twenty minutes away in the lush wine country. Izzy’s friends met her at the front gate. They all looked like child models. “This is my little cousin Shauna,” Izzy told them, then paused to correct herself. “No, her daddy’s my cousin, so Shauna is …”

  “I’m your second cousin,” Shauna said shyly.

  “This is my cousin Sean,” Izzy announced, pointing back at me. “Sean, this is Lauren and Madison.”

  “Are you famous?” Lauren asked.

  “My daddy was a model before he got very sick,” Shauna piped up.

  Lauren put her hands over her mouth. “Oh! You’re Dakota, London Sharp’s friend! I love her! Can you get me an autograph?”

  “I could ask, but I know she answers all of her fan mail personally.”

  “My parents blocked her site,” Lauren huffed. “They say she’s a bad influence, but I think she’s awesome.”

  “I’ll see what I can do.”

  Shauna hugged me and kissed my cheek before leaving with Izzy. Jayden drove us to the hospital, where we met up with Sara on her break. She’d been on duty since six.

  “Sean’s not feeling well,” Jen explained. “Can we take your truck, and you can get a ride with Jayden?”

  “I’m going to be off hours before Jayden,” Sara groaned.

  I looked at her with puppy dog eyes.

  “For you, Sean, I will make it work.” Sara rolled her eyes and handed over her keys.

  It took Jen over an hour to get me home after I’d been checked over. I took my medications: my immune boosters, antiviral meds as well as painkillers. Lots of painkillers. I went straight to bed, my arms still just about strong enough to get out of the chair on my own. Jen connected my BiPAP.

  “Can you sleep this way?” Jen asked, moving me to the center of the bed. “I want to see you.”

  I stayed on my back, knowing she would first have to access my PICC line. Jen caressed my face. I was burning with fever. She went to the fridge and retrieved the IV bag.

  “I don’t need that, I just need you.”

  Jen kissed my cheek. “You get both.” She set everything up expertly, connected the line, and started the flow of medication.

  I could feel the cold, soothing, liquid entering my body. Part of me hated the fact that I was so used to the sensation, but another pa
rt was truly going to miss it.

  Jen climbed into bed to hold me. She stayed awake while I drifted, listening to my BiPAP, watching my chest rise and fall, enjoying our peaceful moment. “I love you, Sean.” She caressed my face from my forehead down to my jaw. “I want to remember your beautiful face.”

  Sixteen

  “Oh, the sounds of silence,” I said as I got out of bed. From my window, I could see the beautiful colors of the autumn leaves.

  Johnny had started school, having landed his spot in the nursing program he’d applied for. With many of his prerequisites transferable from his time at the community college in North Dakota, he could finish his degree in two years, maybe even less. Sara had started her residency in endocrinology, shadowing Dr. Jennifer Sanders. I knew Sara wasn’t having a good time when she started to compare the woman to our mother.

  But the best part was Remy had gone.

  Jayden had paid to get him a place at a rehab center. He stayed for about a month, and then out of the blue, he left. No one had seen or heard from him since.

  “Good riddance,” I muttered for the umpteenth time, trying to relax in the lounge of the quiet guesthouse. I was exhausted with a bad headache and fell asleep quickly, as I often did now.

  I awoke hours later to the sound of Sara crying.

  “I hate this! I feel like a fraud!”

  Luckily Shauna had already gotten home from school at three, was already playing video games, and was happy to keep Sara occupied. As I grew less groggy, I recognized she was playing the game London had bought her, where all of the adorable main characters were made of craft paper and yarn.

  “Auntie Sara, I can’t get past level five.”

  Sara sat down on the plush white carpet in front of the sofa while Shauna sat with me.

  “Daddy’s awake!”

  Sara frowned at the television. “Be quiet, I need to find the secret. There’s always a secret.”

  I knew all she needed was to finish her first year. Year two would send her to cardiology, where she would have the friendship and kindness of Uncle Jayden.

  Sara managed to kill the bad guy stopping Shauna from moving on with her game.