Possibility Days

by Mary Ramsey

  Johnny looked at me. His eyes were dark, soulless.

  I tried to remain calm while finding a hand towel I could use as a makeshift bandage. I wrapped his left wrist. “So, mind telling me what happened?”

  “Today I had my follow up with Dr. Fong,” Johnny explained. “He says I’m cancer free-and healing nicely.”

  “So, those tumors in your hips …?”

  “Malignant, but contained.” He sniffed. “I don’t have to undergo radiation, for the time being.”

  I was confused. Waited for the bad news. It was all looking up for him, so far.

  “I’ll have to be on medication to prevent new cancer growth for the next five years, I’ll need bi-weekly injections to maintain a healthy level of testosterone … and Dr. Fong said something about testicular implants, if only for balance and emotional comfort.” Tears welled in his eyes. “Is it possible to mourn the loss of a body part?”

  “Yeah, maybe.” I increased the pressure on the towel around his wrist. Jayden’s cleaning lady would have to forgive the blood stains. Johnny had cut just deep enough to make a mess, but not bad enough that I couldn’t stop the bleeding on my own and then tape it up. His depressed, drowsy state was more likely the result of the empty vodka bottle in the nearby corner. Even so, I had to check. “Sunflower, find Johnny’s pills.”

  “My pills are in the cabinet,” Johnny said softly as he rested his head back against the bath. “I wasn’t trying to kill myself.”

  “You could have fooled me.”

  Johnny forced himself more upright, looking me in the eyes. “You act like you’re the only one who’s allowed to feel anything. Because you’re the one dying, you’re the only one allowed to ask for help—everyone else is just a little pussy-ass-bitch!”

  “Look, man I was only trying to—”

  “Remember how you met me, Sean? What was I doing the first time we laid eyes on each other? I was trying to stop you dying after you stacked your sister’s car because you ran off in a temper. So, you if you’re going to get in my face about doing something stupid, take a long, hard look in the mirror first.”

  “I’m sorry.” I could feel my anger fading. “You want the truth? I’m fucking jealous!”

  “What?”

  “You’re going to have an amazing life, with or without your balls. You’re one of the smartest people I’ve ever known, and you’re going to inspire so many new nurses further down the line. Your life will mean something. You’ll get the opportunity to be a great husband and father—”

  “Father?” He laughed.

  “Eventually, I mean. You froze a sample, right? Hell, even if that doesn’t work out, I can see you adopting or devoting your life to helping or maybe being a big brother to foster kids. Johnny, you’re the kind of person who will find true happiness.”

  There was a knock at the door. “Johnny? It’s Sara. Jen said you’ve been in here ages. Can I come in?”

  Johnny motioned for me to open the door, which I did, just enough to allow her in.

  Sara covered her mouth. “W-what happened?”

  Johnny crossed his arms over his chest and started to sob uncontrollably. “I’m so sorry.”

  Sara was trembling as she stroked his face. “I need you to know I love you.”

  He nodded mutely, getting up on quivering legs.

  “We haven’t shared a bed since your surgery. You don’t let me hold you or even touch you. I’m your wife. Please, let me look after you.”

  Johnny took her hand and let her lead him back to their bedroom. The door closed behind them.

  I sighed and looked at Sunflower. “I guess it’s up to us to tidy up in here.”

  My dog left the bathroom.

  “Yeah, you make sure Shauna doesn’t come in here,” I chuckled to myself. “Good dog.”

  Twenty-One

  Summer came. Johnny had fully anticipated driving to North Dakota, but, out of nowhere, my condition took a turn for the worse. I was suffering from chronic fevers accompanied by internal bleeding. Jayden and Dr. Rocca were closely monitoring the situation. Some days were so bad I couldn’t get out of bed. Johnny had written to London as well as my mother to see if either one could come out to Portland for the summer.

  As it happened, news of my sickness moved fast. I was in bed when I heard the house phone ring. Hearing Shauna say hello in the hallway, I instinctively picked up the bedside line. Izzy’s screams of excitement damn near blew my ear out.

  “You’ll never guess who’s here!”

  “Who?” Shauna asked.

  “London Sharp! We’re headed to the guesthouse!”

  Shauna matched her scream.

  With Sunflower by my side, I was able to get out of bed. I desperately wanted to use my crutches. I didn’t want London to see me in my wheelchair.

  “Izzy says London is on her way to the house,” Shauna called through my open bedroom door, then ran to the guesthouse door, flinging it open.

  I watched as she ran out into the darkness. She returned moments later with London and Jayden. My mentor looked beautiful as ever in her sweatshirt and yoga pants.

  Shauna’s smile faded. “I missed you. Daddy cries in his sleep.”

  London gave her a hug. “I missed you too.”

  “I wish you could have seen him a few months ago,” Jayden added.

  I was standing a few feet away with Sunflower. But they were speaking like I was dead.

  Johnny shook London’s hand. “Shauna, sweetie, could you take London’s bags, and help your mommy get her set up in your room?”

  Shauna happily took London’s large rolling suitcase.

  “Let’s go for a walk,” I said to London. “I want to show you around.” I started to cough. I wasn’t on oxygen and my lungs were struggling.

  London caught my arm. “Maybe we should take your chair.” It was clear she knew I’d been trying to impress her. But then her eyes gleamed as she nodded down at the floor. “Aren’t you going to introduce me to the newest member of your family?”

  Shauna spun around, having handed off the suitcase to Jen. “That’s Sunflower; she was rescued as a puppy. She loves all of us and we love her.”

  Johnny brought my chair. I reluctantly sat, hooking myself up to my oxygen. Jayden held open the door as London started to push my chair. Sunflower instinctively followed.

  “So how have you been, Sean?” she asked as we walked.

  “It’s been a rough couple of years,” I admitted. “Sara had a miscarriage. It would’ve been a baby girl. And then Johnny had substantial tumors in the balls.”

  “But what about you? How have you been?”

  “I was doing well for a while—really well—and then I started getting one infection after another. My body can’t keep up.” We stopped at a bench outside of the winery. “But my doctors believe in me, especially Uncle Jayden. They want me to keep fighting.”

  “Why wouldn’t you?” she asked, petting Sunflower as the dog lay at my feet. She met my eyes. “What are you not telling me?”

  “I don’t know how much more fight I have in me,” I said, my voice breaking. “I’ve been having strange nightmares. I haven’t told anyone, not even Jen.”

  “Strange how?”

  “I keep seeing ghosts. I’ll wake up in the hospital, or sometimes in the vineyard, but everything is decaying and dark, covered in fog. The ground is always moving like it’s made of liquid. If I stop moving, I start to sink. And if I start to sink, the ground turns into hands and that’s when I see them. The ghosts, I mean.”

  “Shauna said you cry in your sleep?”

  “I heard. I was literally five feet away.”

  “Sorry. Tell me more about the ghosts.”

  “I don’t want to talk about it.” I really didn’t. I was seeing visions of Cam, and my mother, Izzy, but they didn’t actually offer up any information. Not even any spooky taunts about how I was going to die soon. All I was left with was depression. “I hate the fact I make Shauna so sad. She des
erves to be happy. She deserves to be a normal little girl.”

  “I promise you, for the time I’m here, I’ll do whatever I can to make her happy.”

  “I’m sure Jen will love that,” I chuckled.

  London doubled over in laughter. “If it comes to that, I’ll use my millions to spoil her rotten. I want your daughter to experience all the love and happiness she deserves.”

  I felt London squeeze my hand but I couldn’t bring myself to look her in the eyes.

  “Sean?”

  “I wanted to say, ‘thanks, I owe you one’ but I realized that I owe you about a thousand and I’ll never be able to repay you.” The words choked in my throat. “Not in this life.”

  London rested her head on my shoulder. “Never say never, Dakota.”

  The day of the joint birthday party, our family drove up the coast to Jayden’s beach house. The house itself was a single-story sprawl with two bedrooms, one bath, a full kitchen, and patio. It was smaller than one would imagine, but its most important element was the private beach.

  As the rest of the group unpacked and discussed sleeping arrangements, I rolled out to the patio overlooking the ocean as I inhaled medical marijuana from a vaporizer.

  Johnny pulled up a chair, joining me in looking at the beautiful afternoon sky. “Sara and I are taking the guest bedroom, and Jayden wants you, Jen and Shauna to take the master bedroom. Jayden and Izzy will stay in the RV, and London says she’s fine with sleeping on the sofa.”

  “Cool.” I turned my chair, looking through the glass door. Jayden and London were talking, smiling. She laughed at something he said, and he smiled as he brushed a piece of hair from her face. I grinned at Johnny. “Are you seeing what I’m seeing?”

  Johnny shrugged. “He’s a flirt.”

  It was more than that. Jayden seemed genuinely happy and London was blushing. “Naw man, he totally took the one-eyed snake to the clam shop. And from the looks of things, he’s looking to make another trip.”

  Johnny snorted, but looked baffled. “If you’re so smart, when would your Uncle have had a chance to go balls-deep in your best friend?”

  “Your wedding reception.” I liked the idea of Jayden and London finding love.

  Johnny shook his head. “Nearly food o’clock. I need to go set up.”

  For the party, Johnny brought out his grill, cooking hot dogs and hamburgers while Jen made rosemary-baked chicken and baked garlic fries in the kitchen. I watched Shauna and Izzy play in the ocean with Jayden and London. Shauna looked precious in her red one-piece. Izzy wore a rainbow bikini and swam in the slightly deeper waters with her father at her side.

  Wearing my white swim trunks, I rolled my chair to the tide, as close to the waves as I could get. I whistled for Sunflower. She came to my side, allowing me to lean on her while I sat myself down in the sand. I was close enough to my chair to stay attached to the oxygen while letting the water wash over my legs. It was bliss.

  Sara sat down beside me, looking cool and relaxed in her blue swimming costume, her hair in a loose bun. “Happy birthday.” She handed me a soft, square item wrapped in napkins. “It’s a pot brownie. I have a bunch of them.”

  “Sorry, I didn’t get you anything,” I said, already unwrapping it. “I had kind of assumed we weren’t exchanging gifts.”

  “I have you, there’s nothing more I want.” She laid her head on my shoulder as we watched London, Jayden, and the girls.

  Jayden dove under the waves, pulling London down as Izzy laughed. Jayden stood up, flipping his hair back, his tan skin glistening in the sun. London stood up, laughing.

  “They make a cute couple,” Sara said.

  “Food’s ready!” Johnny shouted as he and Jen put out folding tables and set up the buffet with Styrofoam plates. The plan was to eat the meal on the beach, sitting in the sand.

  “Would you like a towel?” Jen asked Jayden, looking firmly away. While he wasn’t actually wearing a thong, his choice of swimsuit left little to the imagination.

  “No, I’m good, it’s pretty warm out here,” he said, making himself comfortable as Izzy prepared his plate.

  “Here Daddy.” She handed him a hamburger and fries with a beer. “Could I get you a plate too, London?”

  She smiled at Izzy, stealing a fry from Jayden’s plate. “Sure, I’ll take some of Jen’s chicken and a Coke.”

  For dessert, Johnny and Jen had worked together on a single cake: a chocolate-frosted layer cake filled with strawberry preserves. As the sun went down, our little party moved to the patio, where we finished off the cake and drank red wine from Jayden’s vineyard. We talked about everything, in particular Sara’s plans for the coming semester. She was already shadowing Dr. Rocca, taking patients, and learning about the science and treatment of lung-related conditions from cystic fibrosis to asthma to cancers.

  Johnny had recently learned he would intern in the ICU. The work would be difficult and the hours long, but Jayden and Johnny’s teachers felt he could handle it. Johnny was still so honored by how much Jayden believed in him.

  “London, what are your plans?” Sara asked.

  “The usual,” she said, resting her head on Jayden’s shoulder. “Do what my mom tells me to do until I’m sick of it and choose to run away to Portland.”

  He grinned. “Your mommy doesn’t know you’re here this time? You’re a naughty girl.”

  As London giggled, I glanced at Johnny. If he wasn’t convinced before, he was now; London and Jayden had hooked up.

  At around two in the morning, when the rest of the house was asleep, I heard movement outside. I got in my wheelchair to quietly investigate. From the doorway of the main bedroom, I could see and hear Jayden and London, clear as day. He was at the main door, coming in from the RV.

  “It took you long enough,” she said as she pulled him close.

  “What would you have done if I didn’t come in?” he asked, between kisses.

  “I knew you were coming inside. The infamous Jayden Clarke would never miss an opportunity to ‘come inside’.”

  Relationship status confirmed.

  The next day, everyone was eating breakfast in the living room when Jayden came in from the RV, humming a pop song from decades back. Izzy looked up from her pancakes, smiling.

  “That was Mommy’s favorite song.”

  “How would you know that?” I asked.

  “Daddy sang it to me when I was a baby.”

  Jayden nodded, his smile so bright his happiness became contagious. “Your mother came to me in a dream,” he told her.

  “Really?”

  “She was sitting in a field of flowers wearing the dress we gave Sara, which was strange because she’d never worn it while she was alive. When I approached her, she stood up, smiling; she nodded at me and then, before I could say anything, she started to walk backward into a bright light.”

  “Wow.” I bit my lip, resisting the urge to grin. London was truly magical. Even with the nausea growing in the pit of my stomach, coupled with my trembling hands, what I felt was pride, happiness, and joy. I knew if I gave into my emotions I would likely cry like a baby in front of my entire family.

  Jen came into the suddenly silent room with a plate of freshly baked biscuits. “Well, hello, Jayden. I see someone slept well.”

  Her flirtatious smile caused me to burst into laughter.

  “Where’s London?” Shauna asked as she took a sip of orange juice.

  Izzy took it upon herself to answer. “Her mom tracked her down and now they’re having a meeting.”

  “Oh?” My laughter subsided. That’s not good. “How long ago did she leave?”

  Izzy shrugged. “She was in bed with Daddy. She said a lot of bad words into the phone, and then left. I think it was still dark out.”

  It was then that London reappeared, barging in through the front door. “I told my fucking mother that thanks to her being an absolute bitch, I’ll be extending my stay.”

  Izzy and Shauna looked at her wit
h wide eyes as if they’d never heard cursing.

  “Daddy,” Izzy chirped, “is fucking a bad word?”

  Jayden raised an eyebrow.

  Izzy started laughing. “Sorry, I couldn’t resist.”

  London sat on Jayden’s lap, pulling his arms around her waist. Noticing everyone was looking at her, she played up to it, beaming at Shauna. “Sweetie, I have great news.”

  Shauna looked up at her. “Yeah?”

  “I’m going to be staying here for the rest of the summer,” she declared. “We’re going to swim in the pool, play with my makeup, and any other fun thing you want to try.” Her smile broadened as Shauna and Izzy screamed with excitement. “The only change is that I’m going to sleep in the main house, because while you have your mommy and daddy, Jayden is all alone.”

  “Because Izzy has her own room,” Shauna said.

  I kissed Shauna’s cheek. “Yes, sweetie. That’s the only reason.”

  “Daddy, why is everyone laughing?”

  London stayed for a little over a month. Having her around was like a shot of serotonin, and I got on top of my infections for a little while. At least enough to be able to use my chair for walks around the vineyard, when she wasn’t spending time with the girls. “Is there anything you miss about Hollywood life?” I asked.

  “Nope! Not my career, not the paparazzi, certainly not my mother. My life and my estate will still be there when I go back. If go back.”

  “Jayden?” I could tell she was in love. He worked six days a week, but when he came home, she was always by his side, drawn to him like a magnet.

  Jayden didn’t attend church, but he studied the Bible with a strong focus on prayer. He taught London about the use of prayer in daily life. Some days he would invite her to his garden where they would meditate, focusing on creating a connection with the earth, and with God.

  He also invited me and Jen to join him, but all the talk about chakra energy reminded me of Remy. I watched from the sidelines as the others prayed. London looked so happy. As their hands touched, their chemistry was so electric I swear I could feel the energy of their love emanating from their bodies.