Possibility Days

by Mary Ramsey

  “But let’s go have some fun,” she insisted. “Raise your hand if you’ve never been to Jayden Clarke’s legendary Christmas party.” She raised both her hands, making me laugh.

  Leann kissed my cheek. “See? I know just how to put a smile on your face. Now, let’s see if we can locate the rest of our friends.”

  We already knew that was a tall order. The party was massive. Luckily, we had Sunflower: when someone feels the face of a massive pit bull pressing against them, they tend to get out of the way. We got to the main house, where we could at least escape the music being blasted over the PA system outside. We found my mother talking with Dr. Rocca, and I introduced them.

  Mom and I chatted for a moment while Leann and Dr. Rocca played “name that co-worker in one”. Feeling my energy flag a little, I asked Mom if she’d seen the others.

  She thought for a moment. “Jen took Shauna to the movie theater to meet up with Izzy and her friends from school. Last I saw of Sara and Johnny, they were by the winery, hanging out with their friends from the hospital. Oh, and there was a special announcement to meet at the movie theater at midnight. Not sure why, since I imagine the majority of people would want to be back on the road before then.”

  I grinned, keeping my suspicions to myself. That was the idea—only Jayden’s closest friends would stay that late.

  At midnight, as predicted, almost half of those remaining were the servers. Jen had tried to take Shauna home around ten, but I convinced her to let Shauna sleep on my chest as we enjoyed desserts and wine under the moonlit night.

  Jayden stood in front of the still-glowing screen of the improvised theater, the black-and-white images moving across his white suit. He was holding a microphone. “I want to thank you all for coming, and thank you even more for staying so late, even though it means opening presents tomorrow with a serious hangover.”

  I laughed along with everyone else, though relieved that mine wouldn’t be too serious.

  “Izzy, please join me,” Jayden said as the projector suddenly switched from the movie to a series of still images. They stood to one side as pictures of Jayden and London took up the whole screen. They’d been taken at the summer house, around the vineyard, down by her favorite shops in The Pearl, and even as she was babysitting Izzy and Shauna.

  I gently woke my daughter. “Look, Shauna.”

  She was groggy, but still looked up at the screen and smiled. We both knew what was about to happen.

  “London,” Jayden said into the microphone, “could you join us up here, please?”

  She walked to him in her long silver gown, already crying. Her sisters and their families were celebrating Christmas around the world, but that didn’t matter: she was about to have a new family, and I think she knew it.

  “All my life I’ve felt like a coward,” Jayden began. “I’ve watched people I love leave, because I didn’t have the strength to fight for them to stay. But a few years ago, some very special people came into my life—all of whom have shown me what it is to be truly brave,” he said, looking to my family.

  I glanced across at Sara, who was smiling so bright she looked even more excited than Izzy. Johnny nodded, his eyes sparkling. As Jayden looked at me with my daughter, I knew he could feel his sister’s spirit watching over him.

  Jayden got down on one knee, put the microphone down, and produced a ring box from his pocket. “Will you marry me? Will you make my family complete?”

  “Yes. Yes!” London nodded fast, hand over her mouth, as Jayden slipped the ring onto her finger.

  He stood up, and they kissed.

  Izzy ran over and gave her a hug. “I can’t wait for you to be my mom!”

  The microphone picked up every word; there was not a single dry eye in the crowd. The servers brought out the champagne. Everyone wanted to congratulate Jayden and London, but there was only one person the happy couple wanted to see.

  “Do you like my ring?” London asked, showing me her hand.

  I nodded. It was beautiful, with a massive cluster of diamonds and sapphires in the shape of a flower. But not as beautiful as her happiness. I squeezed her fingers. “I hope someone filmed this so we can send it to your mother.”

  She laughed. “It would be the final nail in the coffin.”

  “I got y’all covered,” Leann said, already typing on her phone. “I doubt I was the only one to film the whole thing, but what’s your email address?”

  London took Leann’s phone and sent the video to herself. “Thanks, hon. Really appreciate it.” She put a hand on my shoulder. “Sean, I want you at my wedding.”

  “I’ll try. I can’t promise, but I’ll try.”

  Twenty-Three

  Since my condition was reaching the end-stage, Jayden could finally prescribe the kit that I would mix together to end my life on my own terms. I got a formal appointment to discuss the process and his recommendations with him at the hospital. He explained how to store and mix the powders, which could be taken with a beverage of my choice, and which would ideally allow me to slip into a brief, peaceful coma before passing.

  “What do mean ‘ideally’?”

  “There’s always a chance of complications. After ingestion, your organs will start to shut down until …” Jayden removed his reading glasses and placed his hands over his eyes for a moment before pushing the pamphlet to one side. “You told London you would be at our wedding.”

  I was getting angry. “I said I would try. It’s not like I’m planning to take the drugs later today.”

  “I didn’t say that.”

  “It’s a last resort,” I snapped. And it was—only meant for the point when I was getting too weak to endure the pain any longer.

  Jen sat in the corner, reading a magazine. The disdain seemed to come off her in waves.

  “Could everyone please stop treating me like a coward?” I cried.

  Jayden sighed. “No one here thinks you’re a coward.”

  “Then why act like this is some whim I’ve had? You know exactly how long I’ve thought about having to do this.”

  “Alright, I’ll say it. I don’t want you to do this, okay? I don’t want to talk to you about ending your life because I love you. It’s that simple. But I will be prescribing the medications, and the people who love you will support your decision.” Jayden looked to Jen for confirmation.

  Jen swallowed hard. Flipped the page of the magazine.

  “Jen, contribute to this conversation, please.”

  “Fine, I’m the coward. I’m the one who’s afraid!” Jen brushed her bangs from her face. Out of depression she’d cut her hair off in uneven chunks, like she had as a teenager after Richie had assaulted her. “Will you two cut me some slack? My husband is dying, and my father … oh God, my poor father …”

  She struggled for words for one long moment, then stormed out of the room.

  Jayden and I looked at each other in silence.

  “Sean?”

  “Yes?” I answered in a comically innocent voice.

  “We can discuss this further at home.”

  “No, I’m good.”

  “Are you sure you don’t want to go after your wife? She has a valid reason to be upset.”

  “As do I.”

  Jayden sighed. “Fine, do you have any questions?”

  “Would it benefit advancements in cystic fibrosis treatments if I chose to donate my body to the hospital’s research department?” I wouldn’t live to see a cure, but maybe my body could lend answers.

  Jayden swallowed hard. “If that’s what you want. We could still hold a memorial, and your family would receive any—”

  “No matter what’s left over, I want it all cremated. I don’t want people to say goodbye to my remains.” I leaned back in my wheelchair, stretching. “There was this thing I read about online—something about pressing someone’s ashes into a gemstone? Just seems a lot nicer than ashes in a pot.”

  Jayden handed me the prescription. “I’ll look into it.”

&
nbsp; I left the office and scanned the corridor for Jen. She was nowhere. I headed for the pharmacy. If Jen wanted to find me, she knew where to go. After I got my medication, I called her cell. She didn’t pick up so I called Johnny, who told me with a heavy sigh that Jen had called him to tell him that she was going home without me.

  “Come up to the ICU, I’ll be off in a few hours.”

  When we got back to the house, Jen was cooking dinner. I flopped down on the sofa while Johnny put my medication in the special fridge in my room where we kept the cold packs and antibiotics. He then went straight to the kitchen to grab a beer, and I heard them having a not-so-quiet conversation. It was clear that she’d been crying, and that he was supposed to come talk sense into me.

  Johnny brought two beers into the living room. “Jen wants me to talk to you,” he said, sitting next to me.

  “I heard.”

  “Anything I can say to convince you to flush your new prescription down the toilet?”

  “Nope.” I raised my voice for Jen. “And if my bottle happens to grow legs and try to swim, just know I can always get another one.”

  Jen stopped what she was doing and turned off the stove. She proceeded to calmly walk over, which I thought was promising, until she slapped me in the face.

  “Screw you.”

  The rush of pain caused a sudden realization. “Your brother ended his life.”

  “Yep, that was his choice, too.”

  I shook my head. “No, that’s what you need to understand—none of this is a choice. Not for me, and it wasn’t for your brother Cam, either.”

  “You weren’t there! Cam stopped fighting for his life, and then my parents never stopped fighting each other. The whole time I was growing up, mom hated dad for letting Cam let go—”

  I took her hand and pulled her close, holding her with all my strength. “No one made the choice to leave you. That’s not what I’m doing, either. I’m dying whether I like it or not. I just … I want a little control over when it happens. How it happens. I’m sorry I didn’t make that clearer.”

  Jen nodded, a tear rolling down her cheek.

  I stroked her face from her eyes down to her luscious lips. “I need to kiss you.”

  Jen leaned in and nudged my lips, once, then twice.

  I cupped her face. Looking into her eyes, I could feel her breath, her heart.

  Johnny cleared his throat, getting to his feet. “Uh … I’ll go finish dinner.”

  “Thanks, man,” I replied on behalf of both Jen and myself. “I can always count on you.” I pulled myself back into my chair and rolled to the bedroom with Jen on my lap.

  In the bedroom, I laid Jen on the bed and shifted next to her on my own. Jen touched the bare skin of my hips, lowering my jeans as I took off my sweatshirt. She caressed my body, my stomach, chest, and shoulders. Jen pulled me close, running her fingers through my long hair. It had been nearly a month since we’d made love.

  She kissed my neck, then my earlobe. “I love you, Sean.”

  I got on top, letting my hair fall over my shoulders. “I love you too, baby, always and forever.” I kissed her lips deep and slow as I caressed her curves, committing to memory the sensation of her mouth.

  I woke with a bad fever. My head was throbbing so badly I couldn’t open my eyes. I felt a woman’s hand touch my face.

  “Jen, is that you?”

  “No, my baby,” Izzy said. Not little Izzy, but my mom Izzy. My dead mom Izzy. “It’s time for you to let go.”

  I started screaming, bringing Johnny and Jen to my side at a run.

  In reality, I’d been having another seizure. I was starting to lose chunks of time. I would have memories of seeing my daughter leave for school, and then suddenly I would see her in the living room doing homework. Or I would wake in the middle of the night with no memory of the day before. I was genuinely afraid.

  Sara, Johnny and Jen all took turns keeping watch over me, changing my IVs, feeding me when I was awake or cleaning me up when I needed it.

  “Johnny … I’m sorry. I never asked if you were okay,” I said one morning, after Johnny helped me to the bath.

  “What are you talking about?”

  “After your surgery, after you lost something that could never be replaced. I never once asked if you were okay.”

  “You did eventually.”

  “Only eventually?”

  He gave me a crooked smile. “Thanks, Sean, but it’s fine. We worked things out long ago.”

  Later that same day, I was dozing when I felt that same woman’s touch. I froze, hoping it wasn’t another nightmare or fit. Thankfully it was only London.

  “Hey Sean,” she whispered.

  “London,” I said, “I think it’s time. Will you tell Jayden for me?”

  London stroked his face. “Yes, of course. Did you still want the party?”

  I reached for her hand. She’d talked about arranging this big celebration of my life, and I was totally down with that. “I want you to plan it with Sara.” I requested Sara because she knew me better than anyone.

  “Of course, any idea on a date?” she asked.

  I paused for a moment, resisting the urge to laugh. I had just asked London and Sara to exclude Jen. And London hadn’t even questioned it.

  “Sean?”

  “Nothing, I was just thinking about Jen.”

  “I already know why you said ‘Sara’ and not ‘Jen’.”

  “Really?”

  “Jen’s dad,” she said with a shrug, “the guy needs help, he needs someone. I know Diego loves you and he would be okay with Jen not being pulled in too many directions.”

  “You are wise beyond words.”

  “So, what’s your answer?”

  I knew whatever answer I gave was going to make her cry, and the idea of not living to see thirty still pissed me off on a cosmic level. “Let’s shoot for the week after my birthday. Is Shauna home?”

  London nodded. “She’s in the living room.”

  “Can you please bring her here?” I asked. I needed to talk to my little girl while I was still coherent.

  “S-sure …”

  I lay in bed in the dark for a few minutes before hearing Shauna’s voice getting closer.

  “Hi, Daddy.”

  “Hey.” I stayed still as they arranged themselves around the bed. Jen and Shauna snuggled up next to me, while Johnny and Sara sat together at the edge, both holding my hands as well as each other’s. I heard Sunflower snuffling down by the floor, which made me smile. I felt so blessed.

  “London told us you want to set a date,” Johnny said.

  “I do. But I want you all to know how much I love each and every one of you. I don’t expect you to be okay with my decision.”

  “We’ll be alright,” Shauna said sweetly. “We’ll be sad, but we’ll try to be okay.”

  “Sara, Johnny, will you promise me something?”

  “Anything,” Johnny replied.

  “After I’m gone, I want you all to make it back to North Dakota. I wanted you to see your families again—to have a fresh start.”

  “Um, why?” Johnny asked in a ‘you have to be kidding me’ tone. “I mean we all worked our butts off to get out of North Dakota.”

  Sara shot him a glare. “I hate North Dakota more than anyone, but we owe it to Sean to hear him out.”

  “That’s just it,” Johnny added, since apparently it was still his turn to talk, “some of us don’t really have anything to go back to.”

  “You’re right,” I said with a raised hand, in an attempt to retake control. “I owe you all an explanation.” I looked at Sara, to give myself confidence. “We’ve all been through so much, but we’ve also left too much behind. I mean, Mom will take care of things …”

  “So will Jayden,” Johnny replied from his spot. “In fact, Jayden’s done one hell of a job taking care of us. You really want us to just turn our backs on him?”

  Now it was London’s turn. “Jayden will have me. And I
think what Sean is trying to say is you need to reunite with Sean and Sara’s mom. Not because you are little children who need a leader, but because she needs you, and so does Jen’s dad. Go back for them.”

  I nodded, thankful for London’s wisdom. “Go back as a team, because you’ve always been stronger together, as a family. And I hope you always will be.”

  The birthday itself was a quiet affair. I was put on a stronger dosage of morphine to combat the excruciating headaches. Jayden, London, and Izzy hung out at the guesthouse, discussing preparations for my party and keeping me up to date on the confirmations and the arrangements.

  Sara came to my room and crawled into bed by my side. “I’m tired. Can I sleep here for a while?”

  I opened my eyes. “I want to go to the beach house.”

  “Yeah, sure.” Sara’s voice was breaking. I closed my eyes as she kissed my forehead. “I’ll talk to Jayden, see if he’s up to it.”

  We all drove up the coast in the RV. Johnny was driving, with everyone else holding on for dear life.

  “You are the coolest!” Izzy shouted as Johnny managed to cut off a semi-truck.

  “You would think the loss of his balls would cause him to drive like a normal human,” Jen groaned. She lay in the bed with Shauna, holding me close.

  I hadn’t been on any IVs or even oxygen for close to four hours, but I had no fevers, shortness of breath, or even coughing. “That’s Johnny for you,” I said with a peaceful smile. “Can’t kill a cowboy’s spirit.”

  We got to the beach house in record time. Johnny volunteered to do all the cooking so Jen could spend some quality time with me and Shauna.

  I laid myself on the sand, letting the waves wash over my legs. The waves started to swell, washing over my stomach, then chest. The next few waves caressed my body up to my neck, then one last wave broke over my face. The water felt soothing, as if I was being washed away to become one with the ocean. Was this what it would feel like to die? Would death be a soothing caress, allowing me to become one with the great beyond? God, I hoped so.