Somebody's Doodle

by Nikki Attree

  Of course, if Elizabeth had been more forthcoming in her press releases he would already be aware that not one, but two of the film’s stars are currently staying at Wags.

  However, she hadn’t wanted to reveal Gizmo’s role to the press before they had a chance to see how the two dogs performed in front of the camera.

  Jack clicks next on the link labelled: “Our Staff” and is taken to a list of trainers, groomers, nutritionists, butlers, and receptionists. He’s planning to reconnoiter the hotel the next day, and memorises the names of the receptionists, thinking that they may come in useful when he visits.

  Finally he creates a false e-mail account in the name: Jason Gable (he’s a bit of a movie buff, and a fan of Clark Gable), clicks on the ‘Contact Us’ link, and sends an e-mail announcing that he is Elizabeth Parker-Smyth’s assistant producer, and he will be paying them a flying visit tomorrow afternoon to see how their star pooch is getting on.

  * * *

  Sunday, Wags Hotel. Filming is due to start the next day, and Doodle is getting increasingly nervous. She puts on a brave face, but Gizmo’s revelations about her breeding have unsettled her. She’s never been that confident about herself, although she hides it well, and now the vulnerability is coming to the surface. This morning she’s feeling particularly insecure about her appearance, and she’s worried that tomorrow will be a ‘bad hair’ day.

  She goes in search of female solidarity in the garden, and following the scent of expensive canine perfume, she meets Angelique, the A-list French Poodle V.I.D. belonging to teen heartthrob Robbie from ‘Boys On Fire’.

  The two girl dogs stretch out on sun loungers beside the pool to have a good woof. After the requisite girly gossip about their fellow guests ...

  (“Zat Gizmo. Ee is definitement ze piece of, ow-you-say, alright. N’est ce pas?”

  “Well yes, I suppose he’s not too shabby.”

  “And ‘ave you been up close and personal to our very own Oscar winning movie star?”

  “You mean Uggie? Oh yes, he’s sweet. I’m in the movies myself, actually.”

  “But ow about zat Shaggy, or as ee calls imself: ‘The Shagster’. Ee ‘as not stopped trying to get a shag avec moi and ee won’t take non for ze answer.”

  “Oh that revolting little runt. I’ve managed to avoid him lately, thank God.”)

  Doodle asks her if Wags’ fur stylist is any good. “We start filming tomorrow, and I have to be looking my absolute best. So if I spend this afternoon in the salon, I need to know that I’m going to be in safe hands.”

  Angelique giggles. "You are asking moi if Charlotte is any good? But ma cherie, tous le monde know zat she is zee very best. You really ‘ave to see Charlotte to experience zee wonderful things she can do wiz your fur. You will look absolutement fabulous darlin'."

  Angelique prances around Doodle, tweaking bits of her fur, and shrieking about how Doodle definitely needs a top groomer. “Oo on earth ‘as been doin your fur, cherie? They ‘ave made zee ear of zee pig’s dinner, non?”

  "Well, to be honest Angelique, I don't really like having my fur cut. Especially when the groomer starts to use the clippers. That always makes me nervous."

  This revelation provokes howls of derisive giggling. “Ah ha ha, mon dieu! Oo is zis so called ‘groomer’ wiz zee clippers? Zat is so passé. A stylist only uses scissors, never zee clippers. After all, we are not zee sheeps, n'est-ce pas?”

  Doodle is blushing pink now. The truth is that she has never actually been to a proper groomer, let alone a ‘stylist’. Elizabeth doesn’t have time to take her, so she leaves it to Cheryl, the dog walker bimbo. She claimed to be a trained groomer, having watched a couple of ‘how to’ videos on Youtube, and every six weeks she’s let loose on Doodle’s fur. The results are predictably awful, and Elizabeth invariably complains about the scalping, but her fur grows quickly, and a week later it’s forgotten, until the next time.

  Angelique carries on woofing scathingly: “... and do yourself a grand favour cherie, don’t tell zee other girls zat your groomer idiot uses zee clippers. No one, but no one, will woof wiz you."

  Doodle is not amused. How dare this French bitch come over all oo-la-la with her. She’s annoyed, but she can’t help feeling a bit upset as well. Gizmo’s revelations have definitely dented her confidence. Now she’s not so sure of her place in the canine hierarchy.

  Angelique senses Doodle’s fragility, and mitigates the relentless snobbism with a soupçon of sympathy: “ah, cherie. Don’t be angry. It ees not a problem. Just make ze appointment avec Charlotte this afternoon, and everything will be honky-doree with your furriness for your big day tomorrow.”

  Angelique prances off, chuckling under her breath. “Clippers! Oo-la-la. Zoot alors! Zat is so passé. Quelle horreur!"

  * * *

  Sunday afternoon, Stoke Newington. Jack the Lad, is applying the finishing touches to his disguise. He’s basing it on Clark Gable - slicked back hair, ultra-thin mustache, and that piercing gaze. Dressed in his best suit and tie, he looks like a cross between the thirties film star and a spiv. He hopes that a handsome spivy chap will get the Wags’ receptionists swooning, and giving him the guided tour.

  He’s right: it works. As he walks into Wags’ reception, all eyes turn his way. He marches up to the desk and introduces himself in his best ‘Hooray Henry’ accent, mentally thanking his parents for sending him to that private school. “Good afternoon. It’s Jennifer, isn’t it?” he says to the pretty girl on the desk, recognising her from the staff page of the website and giving her a winning smile. “I’m Jason Gable from ‘Cutting Edge Films’. I sent an e-mail yesterday. My boss, Elizabeth Parker-Smyth mentioned that you might like to show me around. You’re looking after her dog while she does some filming at Pinewood.”

  “Ah yes, that’s right. Doodle has settled in very nicely” Jennifer replies, warming to the good-looking, smooth-talking young man. “I believe that she’s seeing our stylist, Charlotte, this afternoon. I’d be happy to show you around.”

  “Well, that’s most obliging of you. I’d love to see what you have to offer” the Lad says, looking straight into her eyes. With a coy smile, and a hint of a blush, Jennifer leads him through the foyer and out onto the terrace. They tour the pools, hot tubs, agility areas, and all the other luxury facilities.

  “And this is our salon” she says, opening a door. “As you see, Doodle is being expertly looked after by our stylist, Charlotte”.

  The groomer turns to greet them as they enter the room. “Oh hello Jennifer, and you must be Doodle’s owner? I’m afraid it’s not a very good time to arrive. As you see, I’ve got my hands full with her at the moment.”

  Jack’s pulse quickens. There, on the grooming table, is the white dog that with any luck will be their ticket to the big time. The pooch is covered in sweet smelling soapy suds.

  “No problem, Charlotte. I’m not actually Doodle’s owner, just her assistant: Jason. She certainly looks like she’s in good hands, but I might just pop back later this week to see how she’s coping with the filming.”

  “That’s fine with me, Jason” says Jennifer, smiling at Jack. “We’d love to see you again.”

  They make their way back to the foyer and Jack says goodbye. He’s elated to have got so close to their target, but disappointed that he couldn’t have spent a bit of time with the dog, finding out how nervous it would be around him. He decides to try again in a few days time.

  * * *

  The next morning a limo arrives at Wags to chauffeur Gizmo and Doodle to the studios for the first day’s filming. At breakfast Doodle is cock a hoop about her new fur cut, having spent the previous afternoon in the salon with Charlotte the stylist. But in the limo the nerves kick in.

  “I have to admit I’m a bit nervous, Gizmo. I know I’m looking my best, but I’ve lead a pretty sheltered life you know, and this is way out of my comfort zone. Do you think that we’ll be OK?”

  Gizmo is his normal relaxed self. “So laid back th
at he’s horizontal” is an overused expression, but in his case it’s actually true. He stretches out languidly on the luxury leather of the limo’s back seat, and reassures his costar: “don’t worry. What’s the worst that can happen eh? We mess it up and they sack us? Big deal. They’ll send me back to my family, and you’ll be back in your comfy house. When you’ve been through as much as I have, you learn to stay stoic.”

  “Thanks Gizmo. I know you’re right, but I can’t help feeling stressed. For one thing, my mistress, Elizabeth, is going to be there. In fact she’s the boss, so it’ll be very embarrassing if I mess up.”

  Doodle is right. As soon as the dogs arrive at the studios they are met by Elizabeth, very much in “I call the shots” mode, and she immediately starts bossing them around: “OK guys, no time to waste.” She beckons to a rather camp looking gentleman, who minces over to them. Elizabeth introduces him to her canine co-stars: “this is your trainer, Alfredo. He’ll be in charge of coaching your performances on set.”

  Alfredo makes a huge fuss of the dogs, producing biscuits from his pocket, and complimenting Doodle on her gorgeous fur-cut. Introductions over, Elizabeth is keen to get the show on the road: “OK, let’s get you two into make-up and into the first scene as quickly as possible. The crew are on standby, and time is money in this business.”

  The first few scenes are all Gizmo’s, and for most of the first day’s filming Doodle has to watch as he effortlessly slots into his role. On set he’s a natural, and the camera loves him. The trainer and the human actors can’t believe that this is his first time. He cruises through it as if he’s been doing this acting malarky since he was a pup. There again it’s hardly surprising that he finds the role so natural because after all he is playing himself, in a story that is largely based on events that actually happened to him.

  Then it’s Doodle’s turn. No wonder she’s so nervous and worried about messing up. Unlike Gizmo, she isn’t playing herself. She is being asked to pretend to be another dog, and that requires different skills. Skills that she’s never been trained to acquire. Watching Gizmo breezing through his scenes and getting so much praise doesn’t do much for her nerves, but the real problem is that basically she just doesn’t like being told what to do.

  That’s not entirely her own fault. For most of her life she’s been left alone, to her own devices, for hour after hour, then suddenly she has several humans all shouting different instructions, and ordering her around every few seconds. She finds it all very strange and unsettling.

  Alfredo does his best with her, but Elizabeth doesn’t exactly help. Instead of taking a back seat and leaving the trainer to do his job, she insists on being a back seat driver. She starts treating Doodle exactly like she does her daughter. The more she orders Miranda around the more her daughter rebels, and this vicious circle is the same for Doodle. In her dog’s case, she’s not so much willfully disobedient, as totally confused by all the conflicting instructions.

  Eventually Alfredo orders Elizabeth off the set, threatening to quit unless she leaves the dog stuff to him. She storms off in a huff, retreating to the office and the more familiar environment of her spreadsheets. Without her, Doodle’s confidence gradually returns, until by the end of the day they’re making real progress.

  The plan is to film all the interior scenes with the canine stars over the next few weeks, and then head off to Tenerife to film the location scenes. The studio scenes establish the relationship between the dogs as it develops from initial tension to eventual mutual attraction. In the ‘Nobody’s Poodle’ story the Doodle character then gets captured by the dog wardens, the budding love-pups are wrenched apart and go their separate ways for a while. When they are finally reunited, there’s a climatic scene on an idyllic beach as they run towards each other in slow-mo, with the waves crashing in the background.

  Elizabeth is quite looking forward to the location shoot, as her tan could definitely do with topping up. Miranda will staying with her dad, so it’s also a chance to escape from teenage angst. But first they have to get through this week in the studio.

  The first day is largely just establishing shots without much acting required, and then every day ramps up the complexity, until by the end of the week they need to film the interior love scene. In the screenplay, and the finished film, this obviously takes place after the tear-jerking beach reunion, but Elizabeth’s schedule calls for it be in the can by the end of this week’s studio sessions.

  The dogs are vaguely aware that this important scene looms. A scene in which they will have to get intimate with each other for the camera. As the week progresses, the tension between them mounts. Speaking of mounting tension, Gizmo is acutely aware that it will be him doing the mounting, or at least the simulating. To be honest, he’d rather be mounting than simulating, but his co-star insists that he’d better stick to simulating, or there’ll be dire consequences.

  * * *

  Meanwhile, dire consequences are definitely mounting up for that other wannabe V.I.D. canine star: Shaggy. His appearance on ‘Who Wants to be the Mutt’s Nutts’ didn't go well. It was the same old problem: he was hot wired to shag everything in sight, and no amount of training seemed to deter him.

  Shaggy’s amorous antics did initially contribute to the show’s ratings. He was beginning to get quite a following with some of the viewers, and in fact ‘Mutt’s Nutts’ was starting to become a bit of a daytime TV cult, especially with students. However the presenter, Anneka Richardson, was not one of his fans.

  The producers had chosen her because of her looks, popularity with their target audience, and because she was relatively cheap, but they had neglected to find out about her phobia of dogs. Again, for a while this actually contributed to the show’s popularity with viewers who watched it for “ironic” reasons. Her obvious distaste for the dogs gave the show a more real form of the sort of pretend sneering adopted by other well known game show hosts. Her disgust when one of the canine contestants was caught short and relieved himself on her shoes made for great daytime TV, but the game was up for Shaggy when he manically humped Anneka’s leg and had to be detached from it by two of the crew.

  ‘The Shagster’ had overstepped the mark this time, and it was the last straw for the presenter. Her screams reverberated through the studio and beyond. She absolutely refused to continue with the show until Shaggy was removed, for ever. The studio audience loved it, and the crew were wetting themselves as Anneka stormed off the set. The producer managed to persuade her to stay by threatening to post the leg-humping footage on Youtube, but the unfortunate mutt was dragged from the studio in disgrace, his tail between his legs, and his dreams of fame and fortune dashed because of his insatiable appetite for “a lille bit of good ol rumpy pumpy”.

  When Gizmo saw him back at Wags, he looked broken. He was scheduled to fly home to Houston the next day, to have the “operation” and rethink his career.

  “Ah mean, ah’m just a normal hound with normal needs, like y’all dude” he woofed sadly. “All ah ever wanted was to be loved by everyone, like Uggie, or you Gizmo. Now they’re talking about counseling for mah “addiction”, and some kind-ov operation to cur-tail mah maleness. It’s the end for me, dude ...”

  His whimpers and sniffles soon turned into full-on howls of despair. Even Gizmo was genuinely sorry for him as the hotel staff led him away. But not Doodle: “thank Dog for that. Maybe I can relax a bit now, without that odious little runt pestering me all the time. I know that you’re not like him Gizmo, but all the same, you better be on your best behaviour tomorrow.”

  She trots off to visit Charlotte in the salon for yet another facial, trim, and makeover. They are filming the big romantic scene tomorrow, and once again she needs to look her best.

  * * *

  Jack arrives at Wags for his final reconnoiter, again dressed smartly in his Jason Gable spiv disguise. He enters the foyer just as Doodle finishes woofing with Gizmo and disappears to the salon. The Lad sees Gizmo alone, and waving to Jennifer th
e receptionist he follows him towards the chill-out zone, convinced that he’s staking out their victim.

  “Ah, good afternoon Mr Gable” the receptionist says to Jack, flashing a flirtatious smile at him. “Paying us another visit, I see. Feel free to have a wander around, and please do take advantage of all the facilities.” She gives him the tiniest of knowing winks.

  “That’s most obliging of you” Jack says, returning her smile and answering her wink with one of his own. “I think I just caught a glimpse of Doodle outside. I’ll go and see how she’s enjoying life here. I must say, I’m very impressed with how welcoming you’ve been to both of us. Oh, I hope you don’t mind if I take a few photos to show my boss?”

  He gives her a little wave and strolls out of the foyer into the grounds. Gizmo is stretched out on a lounger in his usual so-laid-back-he’s-horizontal pose. He looks as if he hasn’t a care in the world, and this is his default approach to life. When he’s horizontal nothing much fazes him.

  Jack bends down and cautiously strokes him. Gizmo opens one eye, gives the Lad one of his quizzical Gromit looks, briefly wonders who this strange looking human is, and closes the eye again. Jack gently scratches his ear. As far as Gizmo is concerned this new human is clearly dog-friendly, so why waste time and precious energy barking at him? (Or moving at all for that matter?)

  Jack is relieved to find that their target is so relaxed with him. He’s breathing faster though. To be actually touching their quarry after all these weeks meticulously stalking it! He’s briefly tempted to do a Harry and walk out of the hotel with the pooch there and then, but he quickly dismisses the temptation. That would be stupid. A betrayal of all his disciplined preparation. He knows that the cameras are watching, and his disguise isn’t that good. It’s highly unlikely that the staff would just let him walk out with the dog, however smitten with him they are. Instead he takes out his phone and snaps a few photos. Happy with his afternoon’s work, he whispers to Gizmo: “I’ll see you again soon, Doodle” and heads back to the reception desk.