by Nicole Smith
“She doesn’t like the living. She doesn’t have any living friends. All her friends are ghosts,” I heard a man’s voice explaining this to someone. He can’t possibly be talking about me. I have some real friends. I felt hurt by this stranger. I just prefer the company of ghosts to the living. I can make the choice. I can function among the living. How dare he make me sound like a freak?
“She is in love with a ghost. She won’t go anywhere unless he is with her, aside from school of course. She is still attending high school. Thank goodness she hasn’t dropped out. She isn’t that far gone, yet. The first time I met her, she just had her first tattoo completed. I asked her what it represented, what it meant to her. The lotus flower, I understood, it’s pretty, but she told me bluntly it meant that something beautiful has risen out of the mud. I related with the symbolism, but then she added a white flame above it. She told me that there is more pain to come in her life, and it will burn her. I’m not sure she’s talking literally. I just see her as manic depressive. She can’t accept that something is good, without believing it will end. Her parents should consider putting her in an institution. It’s been my recommendation since I first met her. She will never be able to care for herself on her own. I don’t know how her mother is coping with it, she isn’t very stable herself. I have been made aware of the times where Natalie talks to herself. In all fairness, I think she really does believe she is with someone, that a real living person is with her, but it must be so odd for those around her,” the voice continued. It surrounded me. I couldn’t get away, he wouldn’t let me escape.
“Shut up! You don’t know me. You don’t know anything about it. Just go away!” I screamed. The voice muffled a laugh. I ran down the trail, trying to get this voice out of my head. I stopped dead in my tracks, amazed to see Adam’s house in the distance. I lost my breath for a moment as I looked up at the little cottage in the woods. I remember Adam bringing me here and telling me he didn’t want me to find it on my own. The hurt I felt then washed over me like an open wound. Even with all the time that has passed and everything that happened between us it still hadn’t completely healed. He couldn’t take care of me and he knew I couldn’t stay with him. I loved being here with him though. There was a time when I never wanted to leave this place. I wanted to feel Adam holding me now. I ran up the steps and threw open the door. It’s like I transported back in time somehow. I really believed he would be in there waiting for me.
“Adam!” I shouted. Tears were pouring down my cheeks as I searched every room looking for him. I began to slow my pace when I realized he wasn’t here. This was some kind of cruel dream. I slowly walked back downstairs. I sank down onto the sofa, still covered in the white sheet we made love on. I curled up into a ball and closed my eyes. I couldn’t cry anymore, all my tears have dried up. As I lay there trembling I heard that man’s voice again, he’s still in my head, he’s following me.
“I told you she’s in love with a ghost,” he said callously.
“I was but I’m not anymore. Stop talking about me. Get out of here,” I shouted bitterly, anger rising in me. Why am I being tortured like this? I just want to go home. I want to go home to Hayden. He is alive and he loves me.
~~~
“Is she still breathing?” Clive asked as he entered the tent. Hayden lied beside her all night. He only just recently dozed off. He reached for her wrist and waited for the pulse. He leaned over the lifeless body and tilted his head to listen for her breath.
“Yes, she is still breathing Clive,” he answered calmly.
“I have been up all night contacting people from all over the world who have been witness to any type of outer body experiences. I’m afraid to say that the biggest fear we have now is that she dies in the other realm or for some reason she can’t find her way back to her body,” Clive tried to explain the different scenarios or possible outcomes.
“I wish you hadn’t told me that Clive. I have to believe that she is going to come back to me,” Hayden shook his head. He wouldn’t allow himself to think the worst. Carlos sat up on the other side of the tent. He moved closer to her. He checked for himself that she was still breathing. He had to touch her.
“Sorry Hayden, I didn’t mean to be insensitive. I think for now we should leave her here in the tent though. I don’t want to move her until we have too. She will have to be watched closely,” Clive explained. Hayden could tell he is worried, unsure of what to do next.
“She will come back to us. She is strong. She is happy here Clive, you know that. She is stable with me,” Hayden vented. He was confident Natalie would fight as hard as she could. He prayed she wouldn’t give up. He pushed the thoughts of her in the hospital after Adam left her from his mind. Natalie loves him and he needed to believe that she knew he loved her too. He hoped it would be enough. He looked down at her and gently brushed her hair from her face. He leaned down and kissed her lips as a single tear rolled down his cheek.
~~~
I awoke back in the hospital again. The laughing had finally stopped. The doctor is gone. I looked through the window in the door and didn’t see anyone in the hall. The lights were dim. I turned back to the bed when the door squeaked open. I looked back but no one appeared to have opened it. I didn’t even sense a spirit with me. It’s always such an odd feeling to be so completely alone.
I opened the door just enough to walk through and quickly ran down the hall. The nurse wasn’t at her desk. The other patient’s rooms were empty. I ran towards the exit, praying I would be able to reach the outside. I had to leave this place. The sun was shining through the open doors. I ran out laughing, I smiled with such relief. I’m finally free of that place. It seemed like a dream. A beautiful garden spanned out before me, full of cherry tree blossoms and magnolias. Everywhere I looked there were bursts of color. I skipped along the trail, completely ignoring the fact that I didn’t know where I was or where I was going. I just didn’t seem to care at that moment. I felt so high and so free. I didn’t think anything could bring me down.
I hummed as I stopped to smell the vibrant and lush red roses. I moved on to the little fragrant white jasmine flowers and collapsed on to the purple thyme. I closed my eyes and drew in a deep breath. As I exhaled I felt a cool breeze wash over me. I opened my eyes and saw that all the flowers were dead. There was a coating of frost on the ground. I shook as I stood up.
“No!” I shouted. I began to run. I didn’t know in which direction to go, I just had to keep running. Something is after me.
I began to feel physically exhausted when I came upon a campfire and a tent set up in a clearing in the woods. I hoped that maybe these campers would have an idea of where I was and how I could get back to the city. I approached the tent cautiously. I didn’t want to scare them. The fire drew me in. I stood by it and warmed my hands.
“Hello,” I said aloud, looking towards the tent. No one responded. I opened the flap to the tent and peaked in. I actually let out a small moan as I peered inside. The pillows and blankets looked so inviting and the smell of cinnamon and chocolate soothed me. I sighed as I stretched out on the soft pillows. I wrapped the warm blankets around me and dosed off. I awoke hours later to the smell of food cooking on the fire. I couldn’t remember how long it’s been since I ate last. I opened the tent flap and was greeted by Anton, standing by the fire, grilling salmon he must have caught. He smiled as I approached him. I knew in that moment all of this is just a dream, it’s too good to be real.
“Anton? Is that really you?” I reached my hands out to touch him. He felt warm and real to me though. I lost control of my emotions. I began to cry and laugh as I wrapped my arms around him, holding him as tightly as I could. His embrace felt so good and I have been so lonely. If this is a dream I didn’t want to wake from it. He kissed me softly and continued cooking again. Something wasn’t right though.
“Anton? Why are you here?” I asked, unsure if I wanted to hear him explain.
“Eat Natalie,” he simply stated as he pas
sed me a plate of food. I obeyed. I sat on the ground and ravenously ate everything he gave me. He continued to stand by the fire, glancing my way from time to time. When I finished I stood up, brushing the dirt from my pants. To my surprise Anton picked me up and carried me back into the tent. He placed me gently on to the blankets and lied down beside me. He stared at me as he reached for my hands.
“Natalie, I am only here for a little while. I need to warn you about something. This place and time you are in is not real, do you know that? Your body is somewhere else, in a different world, in your world. It lays protected back in the woods. Don’t worry, you will get back to it, but you have no one here to protect you. You are all alone and you have to find your way back soon. You can’t keep running from what’s coming Natalie. You have to stand tall and face it, only then will you be able to come out the other side. As frightened as you are, you have to face it. Trust me Natalie, know that you will get through it, especially when you’re in the heart of it, in the darkest parts of it, just remember you will get through it,” he said as he gently held me in his arms. I breathed in his familiar scent. I wrapped my arms around him, remembering how much it hurt when he left me in that dark, dirty basement. I wondered if the carpet is still there. I think I want it in my beach house now. I needed him so much once.
“I don’t want you to go,” I whispered. I don’t remember what happened after that. I awoke all alone in the field again. I couldn’t see much, the stalks were really tall this time. I began to walk quickly, hoping I would emerge somewhere out of this. I tried not to panic when the field wouldn’t end. I worried that maybe I was going in the wrong direction. I began to run the other way. I felt the ground begin to shake below me. I heard the dull rumble of a tractor in the distance.
“Oh no,” I gasped. It’s harvest season. This couldn’t be what I’m supposed to wait for, could it?
“Anton!” I shouted as I ran. When I looked up at the sun, I tripped on a rock and fell hard. My knee began to bleed and my hands were scraped. I sat up and screamed. I just wanted this nightmare to end. I stood and ran again. I continued to run as the tractor raced toward me. I finally saw a clearing up ahead. I ran as fast as I could, finally emerging from the field, I collapsed in the darkness of the bordering trees. I rolled over and looked back at the field. The tractor vanished. The corn field looked completely harvested now. My old white house appeared in front of me again.
‘Why am I back here?’ I shuddered as I stood up. I debated which way to go. I really wanted to run away from that house, but maybe I’m supposed to go back there, maybe I shouldn’t run from it. I looked towards the woods and thought Anton must be right, I should stop running. I need to face my fears. I turned and walked slowly towards the white farm house. As I neared the backyard, a comforting warm breeze surrounded me. I felt a little stronger as I placed my foot on the first step leading up to the front porch. I really didn’t want to go in, but if I kept running, something else would just appear.
I approached the front door and opened it. The house smelled older and mustier than I remembered. The door creaked shut. The floorboards below my feet moaned with each step I took. I ventured toward the kitchen and felt the warm breeze circle around me again. I am not alone. The house changed as I turned around. It became lit and warm. The smell of dinner cooking filled the rooms. The walls were painted, the floors polished, the windows looked clear. I walked to the stairs and looked up. The light is on now. I took a deep breath and went up. The red runner on the stairs hadn’t been there before. The handrail didn’t exist when I lived here either. I held it as I walked up.
‘Whose house is this now?’ I whispered.
“It’s the house I should have given you,” the familiar voice frightened me. I passed the first bedroom, the one with the hole in the ceiling that we never used, now appeared patched and repainted. The room felt warm and brightly lit. I passed by John’s old room, it looked so nice too, so very different from when he lived there. Why couldn’t it have been like this for us? I peeked into Luke’s room. I stood at the door. It didn’t appear to be dark and cold anymore. A tear rolled down my face as I fixated on a photo of Luke and my mother cuddled in a chair, laughing.
“I miss you,” I cried. I turned to leave. I wanted to run, but I saw the light in my room on and the door open. Curiosity over took me, I needed to see what it could have looked like. I walked over to it and took a step down into that old room. As I stood there curtains appeared on my window. The walls were given a beautiful lilac color. My mattress lifted off the floor and a canopy appeared over it. A white dresser with a large mirror filled the space and a drawer opened to reveal clothes neatly folded. I sat down on the white shag rug placed in the middle of the room.
“This is not my room. All of this is too late Daddy,” I whispered. Silence surrounded me.
“You should know that none of this matters. Even when we had nothing, all I really ever wanted was to feel safe. I wanted to feel happy. I wanted to laugh. I wanted to eat. I just wanted your love,” I told him. I knew he still lingered here, in the room with me.
“That’s all any of us wanted. That’s all Anne wanted too!” I stood up. The room went back to the way I remembered it, dark, cold and empty.
“I’m sorry Natalie. My curse is to live with what I have done for all eternity. I’m trapped here, in this shame and regret. I can’t escape it. I’ll take this punishment though. I’m so unbelievably sorry,” his voice quivered as he spoke. He sounded like a wounded animal, on the verge of death but still holding on.
“I want you to suffer, I want you to wallow in the pain, because it’s probably not even close to the pain you have inflicted on John and I. We have to continue living without our mother and the regret we feel for not saving Luke from you. How can I possibly forgive you for this loss?” Crying isn’t possible now, instead I felt empty. I felt nothing. My anger’s gone now. I still felt an ache in the pit of my stomach that I wasn’t sure would ever go away. Now though, when I looked over at him standing in the corner of an old empty house, I felt pity. Pity for the man he became, the wasted life he lived.
His time here must come to an end. In order for me to try and move on he had to go. I reached into my pocket and felt the Kris in my hand. I wrapped my fingers around it, unsure if it would work here in this world. I stood in front of him.
“It’s over now. I will somehow have to forgive you, someday. I have to believe the person that killed my mother and my brother isn’t my father but some sort of possessed creature that needs to be destroyed,” I whispered. At that moment his eyes opened and he glared at me as I lifted the Kris and stabbed him swiftly. I felt the weapon tear his skin and break his ribs. For an instant I felt his pain and anguish, then I watched it leave him as he transformed into a small ball of light before vanishing.
I only stood for a moment, then as fast as I could I ran from that house. I bolted out the front door and ran towards the hi-way. I have to get back to Hayden.
CHAPTER SEVEN
As I ran along the hi-way I prayed for a car to pass me, but nothing appeared. I looked ahead and saw no one. I slowed my pace, wondering if there was more I’m supposed to do. I slowed my pace. As I walked I decided to try and find Luke. He is still out there somewhere. He still needs me. I have to release him from this world too. As I walked, I felt compelled to return to the house he died in. I closed my eyes and outstretched my arms. The warm breeze surrounded me as I spun in the gentle wind, lifting briefly. When I felt the breeze subside I opened my eyes. Standing in their living room, I shivered from the cold. No one has been living here since the murder. I wasn’t alone though.
“Luke?” I heard a shuffle upstairs. I waited for him to approach me.
“Luke, it’s me, Natalie. Can you come down? I need to see you.” I waited patiently. I heard the stairs creak. A picture frame fell from the wall. A candle on the mantle burst into flames. Is he trying to scare me? He doesn’t know who he’s dealing with. A smile spread across my face as I
heard the pots clang in the kitchen. I held back a smile as a butcher’s knife flew into the living room and landed stiffly into the hardwood coffee table.
“Are you done now?” I asked. Silence followed for a few minutes. A slight breeze entered the room and swirled around me.
“Hi Luke, I have something very important to tell you. Please listen to me,” I ordered. He appeared in front me. He looked the same as he did the last time I saw him, only slightly older. His brown curly hair remained disheveled. His big brown eyes and pale skin still reminded me of him as a child. I smiled and held out my hand to him.
“I knew you could see ghosts,” he laughed. He held my hand for a moment then stepped away.
“You feel real to me. I haven’t felt that from anyone living since I died. Not that I’ve haunted anyone, I just seem to go right through them though,” he wasn’t laughing anymore, he actually seemed afraid of me.
“That’s the way it is suppose be, I’m just different, more sensitive I suppose. I have to tell you something Luke, it’s more important than my special gift.” I tried to explain. I knew I should just say it but I wasn’t sure how. Luke nodded, waiting for me to continue.
“He’s gone. I sent him into his afterlife,” I just blurted it out. Luke looked puzzled at first.
“Isn’t this the afterlife?” he asked.
“No Luke, this is different. It’s like an in between place. It’s where all my ghosts have been I think. It’s where you are. Luke, you can decide to leave it if you want and move on. I can help you, if you’re ready to go?” I wasn’t sure exactly how to explain all this to him. The room felt cold all of a sudden. Luke’s gone.
“Luke!” I shouted. Only silence surrounded me as I stood in that horrible room, alone.
“Now what?” I whispered. I didn’t know where to go next.
“Hayden!” I shouted his name.
