Hard to Hold On

by Shanora Williams

  He unbuttons my jeans and I undo his. Slowly, he tugs my jeans away from my hips. His lips work their way from my navel to my pelvis until they’re down completely. His gaze lingers on mine and his tongue works its way between his lips. As he stares at my blue panties, he groans delightfully and in only a second, those have disappeared as well. He dives back in, attacking my lips with too much force.

  His lips literally crush mine and I can’t believe how turned on, yet, frightened I am by his touch. I’m frightened because I feel the stress coming from his body. I feel the hurt he’s been holding in. His arousal presses between my legs and I tense, feeling his heat and erection throb against me. Heat runs from my belly and spirals between my legs and my body arcs, begging for him to slide inside of me already.

  He stares down at me, reaching a hand up to remove my bra. As soon as it’s unclasped his tongue swirls around one of my nipples and a heavy moan brushes past my lips. My eyes squeeze shut, allowing the pleasure to burn through me. One of his fingers slide into me while his thumb rubs around my core and I gasp and moan at the same time. He’s building me up but right now, after so long, I can’t stand it. I need him inside of me because the ache between my legs has been here for far too long. I need to get rid of it.

  Nolan’s grey eyes turn hard and before I know it, he’s pulled his hand away to shove himself deep inside of me. I moan and he grunts before hissing through his teeth. Reaching a hand down, he cups my ass and plunges deeply, slowly. The strokes are defined, simple, but I don’t need that right now. I need it all.

  He brings his thumb down to rub circles around my core and I nod recklessly before clinging onto his shoulders. “I’ve missed you,” he murmurs then picks up his pace.

  Like a little girl, I scream and cry his name. He pumps heavily and with each one is a grunt or a moan. Sweat begins to form between us and the room heats up thickly, intensely, but he doesn’t stop. He hooks my legs around his waist and lifts my hips, allowing only the top of my shoulders to rest on the bed. I stare into his eyes, but that’s when I notice how something isn’t right.

  That’s when I notice the glisten in his eyes, as if he’s about to cry. He tries to blink the tears away and continue but I pull back quickly and he pulls out of me. “Nolan?”

  His gaze drifts from mine to the mangled blue sheets on his bed. I wait for him to respond but he remains silent. Still trying to catch his breath, he climbs off of the bed and reaches for his jeans.

  “Nolan? What’s the matter?” I ask, stepping off the bed and reaching for my bra. I hook it on then put on my panties before stepping towards him. “Nolan,” I snap. He finally looks up with sorrow drowning each of his features and my eyes immediately depress for him. “Tell me what’s wrong.”

  “It’s too soon, Natalie. I’m not feeling it. I don’t feel anything anymore.”

  “Well we don’t have to do it, Nolan.” I reach up to cup his face to get him to look at me. “We don’t have to. It’s okay. I still love you.”

  His lips press, his Adam’s-apple moving up and down as he swallows. He then pulls away to slide into his jeans. After his eyes have dried and he’s taken a deep breath, he turns to look at me. “Maybe we should start getting things for the funeral in order. Mills will be here soon and maybe he’ll help, too.” He looks down at my bra and my panties before looking into my eyes again. “Can I ask you something?”

  “Anything, Nolan.”

  “Why do you love me exactly?” After his question he winces, as if he’s suddenly in pain.

  I hesitate because the first thing that comes to mind is my last relationship. After Bryson, I felt like complete shit, but then I met Nolan and I felt better than ever before. It wasn’t lust I’d felt. There was a connection between us and I wanted to hold on to it. But what made me fall in love with him? Was it his persistence? Is it because he’s so hot that I don’t want him to leave? Did I not want to be alone? All of those are poor reasons.

  I continue my stare into Nolan’s sullen eyes, realizing I don’t have a real answer to his question. I know I love him—that’s a fact. He’s the first person I think about when I wake up in the morning and the last person I think about before I go to sleep at night. But what’s in between there? What makes me love Nolan so much?

  “Nolan I—” I break off and his eyes depress even more. He doesn’t blink once as his fingers slide into his back pockets.

  “You know what’s funny?” he asks.

  His gaze drifts as I wait for him to answer his own question.

  “For the past twenty-four hours, I couldn’t come up with a real answer either. I don’t know why I love you so much. I just know it’s here between us. It kind of snuck up on me and now I can’t deny it. I can never go a day without thinking about you but if there’s one thing I was taught from my mom, it’s that we should always know why we’ve fallen in love with that one person who’s changed everything. We should always know why we love someone and what makes them so different from the rest. I love her because she took care of me and, even though it was hard, she raised me correctly. I love my dad because he treated me well and never left from my side. He always taught me right from wrong. I love Mills because he’s always taken care of me and has been my wise conscious for years.”

  He looks at me briefly, slowly making his way towards the door. Swallowing the brick in my throat, I stare at him, confused and in somewhat of a shock. Why is he talking like this? What the hell did I do?

  “What are you saying, Nolan?” I ask before he can open the door.

  He looks over his shoulder, his grip tightening around the door knob. “I’m saying this between us seems like it happened kind of fast, Natalie. It’s starting to feel like we jumped into it way too quickly. You don’t ever sit and think about why? Why were we so quick to hop onto one another? We were hurt, both in need of a healing. I thought about it and . . . I just don’t know anymore.”

  My pulse pauses as he turns to look at me. “S-so what do you want? A break? You want to just drop what we have?”

  “You can’t even tell me what we have, Natalie!” he booms. “I can’t tell you, either! I wanted you from the start for your looks—for your body. I wanted to finally be faithful.” He runs a heavy hand through his hair. “I mean, I have. This is the longest I’ve been faithful and the longest I’ve gone without having sex but as we did it, I just couldn’t figure out what it was about you that made me fall in love this much. It just . . . happened. That thought alone bothers me because I need to know. I need a real reason why. It’s not healthy for us not to know.”

  “How is that something to be upset about?” I ask. “What’s wrong with being in love just to be in love, Nolan? What’s wrong with caring and falling because you feel a connection with that person?”

  He sighs, his head lowering. “It’s nothing, Natalie. Okay? Let’s just drop it. Meet me in the kitchen. I’ll make some calls to see who the cheapest mortician around here is.”

  Before I can respond, he swings the door open and steps out. The slam is a little harder than expected but it only proves his frustration. What in the hell is wrong with him? I’m trying to put myself into his shoes but by now I’m confused. I definitely didn’t see this coming.

  Slumping down on the edge of the bed, I run my fingers through my hair with a sigh. I knew I should have just given him his space. It’s obvious that coming to California this soon was a terrible mistake.

  Chapter Six

  Nolan

  Natalie’s only staying for four days which is good and bad. I want her around because I don’t want to be alone. I want someone to hold onto to get rid of the hole in my chest however I don’t want her to witness this side of me or even Mills. I’m reliving a nightmare. I thought it was bad with my father being gone but it’s much worse with my mother.

  A few slits of moonlight shine in through the blinds and I watch as her chest sinks and rises. Some of her hair is in her face and her features are soft. I love my Bunny . . . but why? Wha
t made me fall? Was this really rushed? I hate thinking about it but Mills and his drunk talking always gets to me. When he’s drunk, he always speaks his mind. The night before Natalie came he told me our relationship was moving too fast. It came out of nowhere—him saying that. I wasn’t sure of how to respond so instead of a response, I thought on it. I wanted to ask him why but I was afraid of his answer. I didn’t want to know because I didn’t want to face any facts.

  This morning Mills was pissed that I had told Natalie to come over here. He hated that I was planning a funeral so soon but we have to bury the body. We can’t just leave it lying around. When he saw Natalie sitting at the table he grimaced at both her and me before marching for his room and slamming the door behind him. She asked me if he was alright but of course I had to lie to her and say he will be.

  I feel terrible for what I had said to her now. I feel like the worst boyfriend on the fucking planet and I should. She didn’t deserve my wrath . . . my heartache but I couldn’t seem to control my anger. My emotions are all over the place right now and it’s not cool for me to take it all out on her. I’ve literally become an emotional wreck and I fucking hate it.

  I reach a hand forward to brush the tendrils away from her face. I don’t deserve someone like Natalie. Someone so caring and sweet. Someone who puts up with things from me that she doesn’t have to put up with. I could see the terror in her eyes as we argued earlier. I could practically hear her heavy heart. She didn’t come out of the room until an hour after our argument and I was hoping she wasn’t contemplating. Of course I apologized but what I’d said was how I’d really felt. I want to know why she loves me. I want to know what makes me different from the rest because I feel like there’s nothing that makes me different and it’s not the first time I’ve thought about this question. Most times I used to brush it off but not this time.

  I’m lost right now and to know that she doesn’t have a reason makes me worry. It makes me think she only gave in because I kept coming after her. Mills said I rushed it with her. He wanted me to chill out but he said I moved a little too fast. I tried my hardest to wait on the first time with Natalie so I could get to know a bit more about her but when she called me “gay” for holding off, it pissed me off.

  Mills never gets enough of calling me a “fag” which is why it aggravates me when Natalie makes a reference to it. He figures that since I can’t get real with one girl, I must have a thing for guys so in his book, that’s a “fag”. He always says it’s a joke but I used to take it to heart a few times. I’m nowhere near gay so I had to prove them wrong.

  Now I feel terrible because it seems like testing myself and knowing I can be faithful is one of the main reasons why I’ve stuck it out with Natalie. I love her to death and with her, I don’t need any other girls but I don’t want to admit to her that one of my main reasons for starting this relationship was only to prove myself, my brother, and even my best friend Dawson wrong. It’ll kill her.

  Natalie deserves so much more—way more than someone like me. I’m still learning how to settle and I’m glad I’ve done so with her . . . but I don’t know if we’ve been real. I don’t know if we’ve been completely honest or open with one another like a real relationship is supposed to be. We have a connection that can be easily teetered and I don’t want that. I want a strong one.

  I watch Natalie sleep for a few seconds more before I finally turn on my back and shut my eyes. I’d rather force myself to sleep than think about my feelings. It’s just another thing to brush off but sooner or later, it’s all going to pile up.

  ****

  I wake up to the sound of rain. It’s heavy as it pounds against the window pane to the right of me. Groaning, I shift beneath the sheets, turning on my side and reaching my arm across the bed. As soon as my hand lands, I feel the cool sheets beneath my fingers and I sit up quickly. Where the hell is she?

  I push out of bed, looking directly at the spot where her teal suitcase is. Realizing it’s still there, relief washes over me and I finally blink. I thought I had scared her off. I would have hated for her to go back without telling me.

  I glance down at my worn shorts, figuring a shower is best. Grabbing a towel, I trudge towards my bathroom and turn the knobs for the shower, allowing the water to pour. It takes only a few minutes for me to hear the bedroom door shut. Not long after, I hear light footsteps making their way towards the bathroom. The door creaks open and I watch Natalie’s thin silhouette through the clear shower curtain.

  Through the blur, I watch as she strips down to her underwear. I feel a throb between my legs, realizing that her slow, sweet actions are turning me on. She unhooks her bra, revealing the light pink of her nipples just as she pulls her hair to one side. She slides out of her panties and right after, takes slow steps towards the shower. With each one of her steps, I feel my dick twitch and I lick my lips, waiting for her to step in.

  Without invitation, she pulls the curtain back and steps in without bothering to look at me. I don’t think she realizes how sexy her actions are. For her to come in, I know she wants it. I know she’s asking for it. After drawing the shower curtain closed, she turns around to look at me beneath her eyelashes. Her brown eyes look from mine to my chest, down to my abs, and then down to the arousal that can’t be hidden. I refuse to hide it. I want it inside of her.

  “I was hoping you would get up soon,” she says softly. “I went to get some coffee.” I watch the way her lips move, the way they pucker after she’s completed her sentence.

  I don’t even think on my next action. I want those lips against mine. Hooking my arm around her waist, I pull her against me until I can feel my arousal digging into her. I swallow the moan that comes from her and lick away the few drops of water that are spilling from my wet hair to our mouths. Her panting picks up as I move my lips down to her neck. I suck on her warm skin softly, and she tenses as she wraps her arms around my neck.

  My fingers dig into her waist and I pick her up. I can feel myself throbbing pleasurably. I always go for the buildup. I always want the pleasure to last. Apparently she has other plans because she pushes against me so I can place her back down.

  I look at her, confused, as she presses her palms against my chest but once her body begins to lower and she licks her lips I know exactly what she wants—and I’m not stopping her. A hiss sizzles through my teeth as she drags kisses from my pelvis and down between my legs. I’ve missed this. I’ve missed having sex with her, but most of all I’ve missed having her body against mine.

  She finally drops onto her knees and the water from the shower head runs from my body to hers. Her skin glistens with each drop that splatters onto her face and her shoulders. Looking up at me, she grabs the entire length and begins to stroke. My head falls back and I groan as she pumps quicker, harder. She allows little time for her warm lips to wrap around me and when she does, my groans turn into growls. Her head and neck moves forward and backwards while she moans with each stroke and lick. I grab a fistful of her hair and hold on tightly but not too tight to hurt her. It obviously turns her on even more because she goes faster with a light moan.

  I tense, growling as she goes faster. Before she can finish me off, I pull her up and she bites at her lower lip as she watches mine. My lips devour hers as I pick her up in my arms and turn around to get beneath the warm water. It trickles against us and she moans as I purposely press my arousal against her. I’m so close. I want to push myself inside of her but I decide to return the favor.

  Pinning her against the shower wall, I lower myself, making sure her legs are wrapped around my shoulders to keep her leveled. She begins to pant urgently as her soft brown eyes gaze down at me. Licking my lips, I push her hands onto her thighs and begin licking her where she loves most. I hear a soft purr and a moan come from her as I pull back.

  “Nolan,” she breathes impatiently. I hold back on a smile, knowing that when she wants it, she wants it so instead of toying with her, I give it to her.

  Sticking
my tongue out, I swirl it around her core and she bucks against me but I hold my hands up to keep her legs sturdy. She seems to rise higher against the wall, almost scrambling away from my lips but I refuse to let her go.

  “Oh my God, Nolan!” she screams as I dive my tongue down between the slick curves. I drag it back up to the most sensitive spot between her legs and her panting picks up even more as I feel her begin to move against my mouth.

  I suck until I feel her getting swollen—until I feel her body moving with each stroke and rhythm that I create. As soon as I hear her scream my name and feel her body tense and quake around my shoulders, I pull back up and shove myself deep inside her without hesitation.

  She releases a heavy groan but I pump as fast as I can. “I’ve missed you, Natalie,” I groan against her ear. “I’ve missed this so fucking much.”

  She screams again as I bury myself into her completely, causing a banging against the wall. I circle my tongue around her earlobe before pulling back and hammering into her.

  “Nolan!” she screams again, boosting my ego while encouraging me to go harder. I pound into her as if I don’t want my body against anything else. I circle my groin against her and she pulses and throbs around me. I feel a warmness trickling around the length of me and I groan delightfully, glad she’s reached a point of bliss and ecstasy again.

  She brings her head up and crushes her lips against mine as the water continues to pour over us. Grabbing a fistful of her hair, I pull her head back to get a taste of the skin on her neck again but that’s when I realize how close I am. I can’t hold it in anymore.

  I continue the strokes until I feel myself about to explode. I grunt against her neck as she bites her fingernails into the skin of my back. I feel the hot release splurging and I shudder a dozen times before falling against her chest. There’s a throbbing between my legs but it feels good. It feels so damn good to let go of what’s been pent up inside of me.