Hard to Hold On

by Shanora Williams

  “Well that’s fantastic!” Aunt Macy chimes. “I’ll leave you two alone to get acquainted again. I’ll go attend to the guests.”

  I fix my lips to speak, wanting to tell her to take this bitch with her but she’s already around the corner before I can even look away from Sharon. Bringing my glass up to my lips, I look her over a few times before finally deciding I was an idiot for falling for someone like her. She looks like the kind of girl who doesn’t know how to settle down. The kind of girl who hurts for the fun of it. What the hell was I so caught up about?

  “So, Nolan,” she sighs, walking past me to get to the wine bottles. She grabs the bottle of wine beside me and I catch a whiff of her. She doesn’t smell like Natalie who always smells like warm vanilla. She smells like strawberries and some other fruit. I have to go with the vanilla more on this one. I can never get enough of Natalie’s sweet aroma. “Let me just start by saying that, differences aside, I truly am sorry for your loss. Ms. Iris was the best professor I ever had and working with her was always fun.”

  “That’s nice.” I hate how my mother got people to call her Ms. Iris instead of Ms. Young. When she started dating her boyfriend, she changed her last name back to her maiden name to make it seem like she had never been married.

  Sharon looks up at me, her green eyes flickering before she takes a sip of her wine. As she drinks, her eyes never leave me. “So how are things?”

  “Great.”

  “No girlfriend or anything?”

  “I have a girlfriend,” I counter.

  “Oh.” She looks around, as if my girlfriend is supposed to magically appear. “Well, where is she?”

  “She’s coming.”

  My throat thickens and for a moment it feels as if someone has just poured sand into my mouth. I don’t know if she’s coming. I know her flight is at five but it’s only one in the afternoon and neither she nor Mills are here.

  “I heard you moved to Miami a few years ago.” Sharon flips her hair over her shoulder, bringing me out of my worries for a moment. “Look, this is awkward,” she says with a dry chuckle. Her mascaraed eyelashes bat at me as she presses her pink lips around the rim of her wine glass to take another sip. “I’m really sorry for what I did to you. I was young and naïve and I just wanted to have fun. I know that’s, like, the shittiest excuse on the planet but I really am sorry, Nolan. I shouldn’t have done that to you. You were a good guy . . . I just wasn’t good for you.”

  I press my lips together, staring at Sharon while taking note of the sincerity behind her eyes.

  To my luck, Mills comes stumbling around the corner with his tie and collar undone, allowing me a reason to look away without making it awkward. He slides out of his jacket and once he reaches sight of Sharon, he frowns.

  “Where’s Natalie?” I ask.

  “I took her to the airport.”

  He steps behind Sharon to get to the wine and crackers and my heart clutches as I glare at him. “Why the hell would you take her to the airport without letting me say goodbye?”

  “It was her choice, Nolan. She wanted me to take her before we hit traffic. Plus she said she had to get back because she has to finish up some school work or something.” He takes a sip of red wine then turns to look at Sharon again. “Don’t I know you?”

  “Nolan and I used to date,” she says before I can respond.

  Mills raises an eyebrow, intrigued by Sharon’s response. “Is that so?” He takes a bite of his cracker before looking at me. “You should be glad Natalie didn’t come, Nolan. If she would have heard that statement there might have been a catfight.” He caps his palm on my shoulder before stepping past Sharon and I. “Excuse me while I pretend to enjoy the guests.”

  I grimace at Mills’s back until he completely disappears. How could he do that? I wanted to at least say goodbye to Natalie before she left. I guess this proves how hurt she really is. She couldn’t even find the strength to face me and say goodbye. I want the space but I don’t want too much to change. Now that I know she’s at the airport, it’s killing me. She practically ran away at the first opportunity.

  Sighing, I turn to look at Sharon who is still watching me with soft eyes. “We should catch a drink tonight,” she offers.

  “No.” I step past her to get to the balcony door. As soon as I’m out, the fall air wraps around me and the breeze toys with my hair. Placing my wine glass on the table, I walk ahead to lean over the railing and gaze toward the endless trees in front of me. I’ve seriously fucked up. I said so much shit out of anger, frustration, and hurt and she just . . . left. I’m not sure how to deal with it but the weight on my shoulders is much heavier now.

  I wanted Natalie to be happier but I think I’ve made it worse for her. Watching her cry and break down last night destroyed me but she doesn’t need someone like me right now. From the start, I only wanted one thing but it transformed into something else entirely. Something more. How can I make her happy when I’m not happy myself? How can I get her to smile when I don’t want to reveal one?

  The balcony door creaks open behind me and I glance over my shoulder, watching as Mills steps out. He sighs heavily, stepping up to my side and leaning his elbows on the rails with me. “As soon as she came back to the car, I asked her what was wrong and she started bawling her eyes out,” he says. “She told me what you had said to her last night . . . well some of it. I couldn’t make out everything.”

  I turn to look at him slowly but he’s looking ahead at the trees. His features are harder and more tired than normal. He finally turns to look at me and I sigh, raking a hand through my hair. “I told her I needed some space. I don’t want it to be permanent. I just don’t know how to deal with her when I’m feeling like this. I’d rather pick myself up again before trying to carry her. I don’t want to drop her.”

  “That girl will suffer along with you if she has to,” Mills says through a dry chuckle. “Seriously, I can see it in her. She’ll do anything as long as she’s by your side but you’ve just fucked up. You shouldn’t have let her go like that—not without explaining yourself thoroughly. You could have at least gotten her to see it wasn’t her fault. It’s you and your fucked up feelings.”

  “But you’re the one who told me we were rushing, Mills. Now you’re acting like it’s entirely my fault?”

  “It is your fault!” he says, standing up straight. “Nolan, I understand you’re hurt about Mom—shit, I am too. I feel like a lame fucking idiot for getting drunk and slamming doors and shit but at least I didn’t break it off with Lorie. I told her I needed time and she was willing to give it to me but it doesn’t mean I don’t want her around me. I do want her around me but I don’t want her to witness this side of me. I know you feel the same way but you shouldn’t have told Natalie to come if you weren’t planning on making some changes in your attitude for her sake.” He shakes his head, taking a small step back. His grip tightens around his wine glass and his eyes swing from mine to the tall trees again. I stare at the bandaging around his hand before looking away.

  “Don’t get me wrong, I’m proud of you for keeping it going with her for this long. What I’m not fond of is that you literally pushed her away and hurt her while doing it. I love Lorie a lot and if she were to come down here, I wouldn’t have pushed her away. I would have tried to make do. I would have tried to be happier with her around, even when it hurts to be. I know she only wants the best for me. Natalie only wants the best for you. I’m sorry, but you fucked up and I feel bad for telling you all that shit now. I don’t know how you’re going to get her back.”

  “But it’s not permanent,” I snap. “I just wanted space, Mills. It’s not like I wanted to break up forever. All I wanted was time to myself.”

  “You may not think it’s permanent, but she does. Women don’t think like us. You’re still learning and I can understand that, but you didn’t have to make her feel unwanted. I saw it in her eyes how hurt she was and as she cried at the funeral, I knew she wasn’t crying about Mom.
She was crying over your dumb ass.”

  Before Mills bothers to say anything else, he turns for the balcony door again. “Mills,” I call, lowering my head.

  He pauses on grabbing the door handle to look over his shoulder at me.

  “What should I do?”

  Sighing, he runs his fingers through his hair and shakes his head. “Give her time to think about it. There’s nothing you can really do right now.”

  “But shouldn’t I go and get her to talk to me before she leaves? Shouldn’t I at least call?”

  “Are you seriously this fucking helpless?” he snaps. “No, Nolan. Just drop it. Call in a few days or a few weeks or something. All you’re going to do is confuse her—especially if you continue to act like a dick. If you’re really this hurt over Mom that you broke it off with Natalie just to have some time alone, how about you take it? How about you think about the stupid act you’ve just pulled with all of the time she gives you because I know for sure she isn’t going to talk to you for a few days. Mom’s death is nothing to take lightly but it wasn’t that serious to break it off with someone who only wanted to help you—with someone who loves you and would give up everything for you. You can’t let temporary feelings cause permanent situations, Nolan. It’s just not cool, man.”

  Without another word, Mills yanks the balcony door open and it shuts behind him heavily. My gaze lowers from the door to the wooden floorboards below me and then it all comes to me.

  He’s right. I’ve fucked up.

  ****

  The first thing that comes to mind when I arrive at home is my bed. I just want to crash and sleep the rest of my night away. The wake ended at ten but I had to stay after to help Aunt Macy clean all while Sharon hounded me like a dog and tried her hardest to get me to go out with her and a couple of classmates for some drinks. I think I’ve had enough to drink. Six glasses of wine has really gotten to me and it surprises me that I’ve even made it home safely.

  Untying my tie and undoing the buttons of my shirt, I slide out of both and then head for the shower. I allow the water to run over me as thoughts of the shower-sex Natalie and I had a few days ago comes to mind.

  Thinking about her petite body, full breasts, and her full lips that were placed all over me makes me throb and twitch. Damn it, I shouldn’t have yelled at her. I shouldn’t have been such an asshole about it. I’m such a fucking idiot and Mills is right. I deserve it. I deserve to be alone for letting someone as good as Natalie go.

  I didn’t think she’d take it this way, though. She literally ran away from me. I sigh, realizing the shower isn’t much help and thoroughly wash myself before shutting the water off.

  After drying off and tossing some shorts on, I head for the kitchen to grab a bottle of water. I shut the fridge and turn around but that’s when I spot a scrap sheet of yellow paper lying on the middle of the glass table. Noticing the familiar feminine handwriting, I snatch it up quickly.

  Goodbye feels like the hardest thing to do

  Goodbye is breaking my heart in two

  Our love was real, and you knew

  But I know you have love for me

  Because I have infinite love for you

  Goodbye is killing me right now

  Goodbye is screaming so loud

  For your faithfulness, I truly am proud

  And I’m sorry for your pain

  But it’s clear; I understand now

  Reading the words causes my palms to become clammy and my throat to thicken. I swallow to get rid of the dry, closed in feeling but it’s no use. As I read over them again, I realize what I’ve really done to her. I’ve hurt her when I swore a million times that I wouldn’t. I’ve let my emotions take control of me and may have possibly ruined what we have. I wonder if she thinks we’re over. We’re not and I have to let her know it.

  I drop the poem on the table then rush for my room to fish my phone out of the pocket of my dress pants. I dial her number immediately and the phone rings five times until it reaches her voicemail. I call again and again hoping she’ll answer me. I know she’s back in Miami by now.

  “Shit!” I roar, knocking my books and everything else off of the corner desk as the phone goes to voicemail again. I shove the trophies off my dresser, push my mattress off the box spring, and kick clothes out of my way, but it still hurts. I push, throw, and hit anything that’ll possibly numb me—numb the pain, the aching—but nothing’s working. I’ve lost her. I’ve lost everything.

  Running my fingers through my hair, I slouch down in the single folding chair against the wall, placing my elbows on my thighs. I can’t believe myself. I can’t believe what I’ve done. I have no choice but to go back to Miami to win her back. She may not take me right away but I’ll work for it. I deserve to work for it again. I swore up and down I would never let her go—that I would never hurt her, but I’ve just broken that promise. I hate myself for making her feel anything but happy. I should have put my feelings aside but I allowed my temper to get the best of me. I let the gnawing hole inside my chest get to me.

  Tears fall but I swipe at them quickly and stand to my feet. I fight the urge to let the tears pour anymore but it’s no use. I’ve been holding it in all day and now it’s time to let it go. It’s time to release all that’s been pent up inside of me. It sucks that my parents are dead but I know they want me to carry on. I know they want me to be strong.

  Slumping down on the edge of the bed, completely defeated, my face falls into my hands and the tears continue to fall. I don’t know when they stop but I know sometime while releasing all of my pain, I had slipped beneath my sheets and dreamt of my mother and father. I dreamt of Natalie and Mills as well and the best part about it was we were all together.

  Happy.

  Smiling.

  Complete as a family.

  Chapter Nine

  Natalie

  It’s been a week since I’ve left California. In between that week were tears, sorrow, and pain. It hurts so much and I’ve wanted to call him back so badly but I held off. I knew better. He wants his space so I’m giving it to him. Plus, all of the voicemails he left, he sounded drunk in them. I knew he wasn’t in his right state of mind which makes it worse. I didn’t want to talk to him while he was intoxicated. And although I feel like running away wasn’t the easiest thing to do, it felt like the best thing to do. He wanted time alone but that left me with other thoughts as well.

  What made him fall in love with me? What made me fall in love with him? I had fallen in love with him and didn’t even realize how bad we were. We lacked a lot in our relationship and it’s hard to look over now.

  Communication was one of the main things. There was a point when I never wanted to tell Nolan anything. I told him about my situation with Bryson. How I had confronted him at the coffee shop and asked him why he had really cheated on me. He wasn’t as upset about it as I thought he would be but he was bothered that I didn’t tell him until a few weeks after it’d happened.

  Turning onto my back, I stare up at the ceiling and watch as the dots spin around me. Through the speakers of the living room, Kelly Clarkson is singing about her “dark side” and it’s really making me wonder if I’m experiencing Nolan’s dark side. I love him regardless of his dark side and I suppose I’m experiencing it since I’ve never seen him as mad as he was last week. Hopefully he’s calmed down by now. He’s been calling so maybe it’s finally time give him a call back.

  As I sit up, I think maybe it’s not the brightest idea. I want to figure out what it is about him that made me fall so hard before we actually try and move forward. Lust and love can get confused so easily and I’m hoping that’s not what I’ve fallen for. But I think about him constantly. It isn’t just about the looks or the sex. He has his flaws I tried to run away from but for some reason I trusted him enough to go through with more.

  I have class today so instead of continuing my mope I push out of bed and hurry for a quick shower. After showering, getting dressed, and tossing my hair
into a tight pony-tail, I grab my satchel bag and my keys and head out. Harper, my roommate and best friend, is in the kitchen with a bagel in her hand as I step in.

  “Well, good morning. You seem . . . alive,” she says, grabbing the cream cheese out of the fridge.

  “Ah, well,” I sigh, stepping around her to get to the fruit basket. “It could be worse.” I pick through the fruit but as reoccurring thoughts of Nolan circle my mind, my stomach rolls over and I turn around because eating probably isn’t best right now.

  “I could hear you thinking about him from out here,” she giggles.

  “I miss him a lot.”

  “Then pick up his damn calls, idiot.” She splits her bagel then spreads cream cheese onto each slice. “Maybe he thought about it and knows he’s fucked up.”

  “It’s just weird,” I mutter, my back pressing against the edge of the counter. “I didn’t tell you this, but he asked me why I loved him—and the sad part about it was I didn’t have a real response. The first thing I wanted to say was because you make me happy—because you complete me—but anyone can make a person happy. That’s a terrible reason.”

  Harper bites into her bagel as she hops onto the counter. Her feet dangle as she stares at me with slightly wide eyes. “So . . . what is this supposed to mean?” she asks.

  “It means I need to think about it before I call him back. I need to know what made me fall for him in the first place. I need a real reason otherwise I’ll feel like maybe he was right about us.”

  “What’s wrong with being in love because you know you are?”

  “That’s what I asked him!” I groan heavily then sigh, clutching my keys and stepping past Harper. “I have class today. I’ll be back in a few hours and we can talk a bit more.”

  “Great,” she says, finishing the first half of her bagel. “Because we really need to get the hell out of this house tonight. Dawson is in Tampa with his cousins so I thought we could go out to eat or something? We really have a lot to talk about. I don’t know if you heard me on the phone last night, but Dawson and I haven’t been on good terms lately.”