Hard to Hold On

by Shanora Williams

  I remain speechless for a second. I’m not sure what to say to this. “You set me and Tyler up?” I ask.

  “I did but I thought he had changed. He was doing so well by himself over here and he had even told me he had a girlfriend. Of course it was a lie. I used to blame our Dad for screwing Tyler up in the head because my dad went to prison for date-raping but after a while, I realized it’s just who Tyler is. It’s why he moved from California to Miami—to most likely meet hotter girls and manipulate them into sex. He was covering it up so well that I actually believed when he said he was changing. I can’t control Tyler any more. He’s grown and I can’t tell him what to do. I come every month just to make sure he’s okay and I thought he was . . . until I told him to become friends with you. I guess it’s my fault.”

  “Wow,” I breathe. I can’t believe any of this. “I think I just need to go,” I say as I grab for my bag and notebook.

  “Just do me a favor,” Sharon says, grabbing arm. By the disappointing look in her eyes, I know she’s going to tell me not to tell Nolan but that’s impossible. I’m telling him regardless. “Tell Nolan to whoop Tyler’s ass. Maybe getting his ass beat will get him to stop. Nolan’s never been the one to hold back when justice needs to be served.” She winks and my eyes stretch as I smile at her.

  “I will.” I begin to walk off, taking a glance over my shoulder at her. “You know, sometimes we can’t control who we really are, Sharon. Just be yourself and leave Tyler in the dust. If he messes up, let him suffer the consequences. You seem like a nice girl. Nolan may not be the one but I know there’s a better match out there for you.”

  Her lips press and then she winks. She turns around slowly, thinking on my words before smiling. “Be good to Nolan, sweetie,” she says before turning down the nearest aisle.

  I watch her disappear and as it all comes crashing down, the only person I can think of to talk to at the moment is my Mom. I have to call her. I need to hear something positive from her. I won’t tell her about Tyler or Sharon. She’ll most likely beg me to come back home. I don’t want to come home because being in Miami feels like home. I just need to vent to her and I’ll do just that to someone who will actually listen to me and offer wise feedback.

  Chapter Thirty-Four

  Nolan

  Mills and I decided to head for the bank to split the money. We settle on half-and-half of course and with my half, I can’t wait to put some use to it. I know with this money, things will start to look up for me. What I didn’t know was that Mills is planning on moving sooner than I initially thought.

  “You and Lorie gonna have babies soon, too?” I ask, attempting to ease into it the best way I can.

  He laughs as he opens one of the drawers to his dresser. I lean against the frame of his door and watch as he walks from his dresser to his closet. He shuffles through it until he pulls out a large suitcase. “No babies. It’s just time for us to actually start living on our own.”

  I nod because I completely understand. “All the way to California, though? You get on my nerves but that’s so far away. It’s definitely not going to be the same without you around.”

  “I know.” He drops his suitcase on the bed to turn and face me. “You’ll be alright, though. Keep doing what you’re doing now. You’re right on track—just don’t fuck up with Natalie again.”

  “I won’t. I’ve learned a lot this past month. Letting her go is something I never should have done. It won’t happen again.”

  “Did she take you back?”

  I smirk. “Yep.”

  “For good? She’s done with whoever she had on the side?”

  “She’s done,” I tell him.

  “Good. She’s good for you. Lorie and I decided moving next month is best. I have a ton of shit to pack so it’s best to get started now,” he sighs.

  It’s not usual for my heart to plummet for Mills but it does. “Next month,” I repeat.

  He nods, shrugging. “Yeah. She’s already found a teaching job over there. I can work for Tike again. He’s been telling me that I should move up to a better position. Thought I’d take him up on it this time. The only reason I didn’t before is because I didn’t want you to be offended by it.” He looks me over, his eyebrow arching. “You aren’t going to cry, are you?”

  I shake my head with a dry laugh. “No it’s just going to be weird without you around—I mean you piss me off to no end but you’re my brother. We’ve been stuck together for years. To split is going to feel . . . different.”

  “Trust me, I know,” he sighs. “But this is where you take off. You and me both. This is where we learn. We can’t always be together but we know where our hearts are. You’re my brother so you know I have nothing but love for you. I know you’ll be fine here with Natalie and if shit starts to go downhill, you call me. If you need advice, pick up your phone. I’ll always have time for my baby brother.” He winks and I nod.

  “I guess I love you, too, man.”

  “I know you do. Lorie tells me I’m handsome every day. I’m sure you feel the same way. Who doesn’t?”

  I laugh hysterically as he winks at me. “Maybe I should consider you the fag.”

  “Never that, brother,” he chuckles, making his towards his dresser again.

  My phone buzzes in my back pocket and I check it.

  Annoying Bitch.

  I walk away from Mills’s room to go for the living room. Pressing the phone to my ear, I answer it, my tone irate.

  “Nolan, listen to me. This is important.” The panic behind Sharon’s voice makes me hold back on my attitude.

  “What is it?”

  “I followed Tyler to school. He’s been watching Natalie from his car and even after she went inside. He’s been sending negative vibes lately so I thought it would be best to figure out what’s going on with him. He’s back at it again—the date rape drugs and things I thought he had given up on. The night at the party, that’s what it was. He put something in Natalie’s drink. He was my main reason of coming to Miami. I had to check on him. He stopped answering my calls a while back when I wanted updates with him and her—”

  “Hold on,” I snap, cutting her off. “He drugged Natalie?” I pull my keys out of my pocket and rush for the door. Slamming it behind me, I dash down the stairs of my complex.

  “I don’t know but I think you should come to Miami-Dade. This started as a joke—as a game—but he’s gotten carried away with it. He’s going into the school now.”

  I allow her no more time to speak. I end the call and rush for my car, tucking my phone into my pocket. Nothing but fury is blinding me but I don’t care. I speed out of the parking lot because knowing he’s in the same building as her is getting to me. I can’t afford for her to get hurt again.

  ****

  I feel like I’m too late. I’d hit the streets during lunch hour so there was a ton of traffic. I come to a screech in the parking lot, put the car in park, hop out, and rush for the school—that is until I see Natalie coming out of the front door.

  And then I see Tyler standing off to the right. His fingers are tucked into his front pockets. He’s leaning against the wall where no one would look when they’re coming out of the school, a shadow hovering above him. Natalie makes her way forward and he pushes from the wall to follow after her.

  I leave no time for him to even get close. I rush for him and as he sees me, his eyes broaden but I don’t stop charging for him. Natalie spots me rushing her way and her eyes are wider than golf balls. She then notices that I’m not looking at her. My target is Tyler.

  My fist lifts and I punch him square in the jaw. “Nolan!” Natalie yells as I jump on top of him. I’m not sparing him. All I can see is red. All I can think is all of this time, all he’s been trying to do is fuck my girlfriend. He drugged my girlfriend.

  My fists continue to crash against his face until his head falls. My knuckles throb as someone pulls me up. I spin around quickly, ready to hit but at the sight of Natalie’s wide brown eyes,
I stop. Guilt surfaces as she reaches down to help me unclench my fists. I end up loosening them but they still hurt.

  “Nolan,” someone calls from behind us. I turn around, spotting Sharon standing above Tyler. As she stares down at him, her eyes sadden but then she shakes her head. “I said it before, but I’m sorry for everything. Seriously.” Tyler groans and a few people pass by, staring from him to my bloody knuckles. Sharon lifts Tyler up and hooks his arm around her shoulder. She drags him towards the parking lot and Natalie and I watch until they’re in the car and swerving out of the parking lot.

  “Come on, Nolan,” Natalie murmurs to me, bringing me back to sanity. Her angelic voice has just removed all of the anger. Her smooth skin against mine has made me want to do nothing but go along with her. “Are you going to be okay driving?” she asks as she spots my car and goes for it.

  “I should be,” I mutter. “I should have just come with you. Did he hurt you?”

  “No, Nolan. Sharon showed up. She stopped him before he could try anything.”

  “Good.”

  She pulls my car door open and I climb in. “You sure you’re alright?” she asks, leaning inside. She kisses my cheek and my heart beats in overtime.

  “Fine, Bunny. Just need to cool off . . . I should have just killed him. I was close.”

  “No, you shouldn’t have,” she scolds. “He’s not worth it to go to prison over. I’ll switch classes—maybe switch community colleges if he ever tries to show up again. He said he was leaving but I doubt it. It’s nothing we can’t handle.”

  I smile. “I love how you use “we” instead of “I”. Means something, huh?”

  Giggling, she hooks her arms around my neck and reels me in for a kiss. I don’t hesitate on sliding my tongue into her mouth, grabbing her waist, and breathing her in. There’s never a time when I don’t enjoy this. Her embrace is one I want to hold onto forever—one that I never want to let go of.

  She’s all I need. There’s no losing her again.

  Chapter Thirty-Five

  Natalie

  Cheesy nachos are for dinner. After making them, Nolan and I eat out on the balcony. It’s a cool night so I gather a blanket to place over my legs.

  “A glass of wine for the lady,” Nolan says, placing a glass of red wine down on the table between us.

  “My mom would kill me if she knew how much I drank while I was down here,” I laugh.

  “Perks of having a twenty-one-year-old boyfriend.” He raises an eyebrow with a smirk before digging into his nachos. “Should I apologize for earlier?”

  “What’s there to apologize for?”

  “For . . . fighting in public. Now that I think about it, it makes me seem immature as hell—especially since I’ve done it around you twice.”

  “There’s no need to apologize, Nolan. That’s one situation where I would expect you to fight. He deserved it.”

  He lifts his fists and stares at them, smiling. “My hands got kinda fucked up.”

  “You destroyed your knuckles Nolan,” I giggle. “And his face.”

  “Anything for you, babe. I’d fight over and over again if it means you’re safe.”

  I smile, grabbing my wine and taking a sip. At this point I just can’t help myself. I need to tell him everything. “Do you remember when you asked me why I loved you, Nolan?”

  He looks up at me, most likely confused on where I’m coming from. “Yeah . . .”

  “Can I tell you now?”

  He smirks, placing his bowl of nachos down slowly. He pats his lap with his palms twice, gesturing for me to climb aboard. I place my bowl down, grab my blanket, and sit on his lap. I curl against him as he leans back to get comfortable. My forehead presses against his neck and he breathes down on me, his breath tickling every bare inch of my body that’s visible, and sending goose bumps to ride along my skin.

  “I’m all ears,” he mumbles.

  “You have to tell me why you do as well as soon as I’m done, okay?”

  “I will. Promise.” He kisses my forehead and it gives me more than enough encouragement to tell him why. I don’t even allow myself to gather my thoughts, the words just tumble out of me.

  “I called my mom about you earlier,” I say, squeezing myself against his chest. “I told her during those few weeks without you, I felt so out of it. I felt so down—so lost without you. I couldn’t figure out why I couldn’t become happy again. Everyone noticed that I wasn’t the same. Even Harper thought she was going to have to send me back to South Carolina at one point,” I laugh. “I forced myself to move on because . . . well I thought you didn’t want me back. I thought maybe you weren’t the one for me . . . or either I wasn’t the one for you. Have you ever just wanted to hold onto someone that didn’t want to be held onto at the moment?” I ask.

  He nods but remains silent.

  “I felt like that with you. I wanted to call you whenever I felt lonely. I only wanted to hear your voice. My mom told me before to just give you time—to let you have your space. Space is something I didn’t want to give because I’ve always been one that wants what I want immediately. I’m spoiled, I guess, and when I have my heart set, I keep it solely on that.” I sit back to look into Nolan’s eyes, my vision blurring.

  “Nolan.” I grip his hand and he brings it up to his lips to kiss my knuckles. “I will never be able to explain to you why I love you. Ever—not thoroughly anyway. There are so many reasons that if I sat here and named them all, we would be sitting here for months. I’ve fallen for you because I know we’re meant to be together. We were meant to mend one another’s hearts and cherish all we have. We’re meant to hold one another, kiss one another, see one another every day and joke around with one another—” I laugh as a few hot tears trail down my cheek.

  Nolan’s head tilts as he brings a hand up to run his thumb across my cheeks. He observes me, watches as I try to hold back on the tears but it’s nearly impossible. I can’t because we’ve been through so much and I’m just now realizing it. We were so torn apart but all we needed to do was fight for each other to be put back together again.

  “I understand, Bunny,” he whispers to me. Cupping my face, he brings my lips to his and kisses me fiercely, passionately. I melt against him, holding on for dear life. Never wanting to let go. The velvety textures of our tongues collide and soon after, the blanket that was on top of me has been removed.

  He stands quickly with me in his arms. He stumbles his way to my bedroom but our lips never part. I can feel our hearts beating as one, our bodies craving for nothing but each other’s. My back lands on the soft sheets of my bed and he climbs on top of me, staring down at me with eyes full of want. Desire. Love.

  His fingers move up my thigh as he starts his kisses at my neck. My head falls back as I embrace it. I want to feel it more than anything. “Words can never explain true love, Bunny. When you’re in love, you’re in love. After all of this time, I’ve finally figured that out.”

  I bite my lower lip and pull it in but he comes up to release it with his teeth. His teeth graze against my lower lip and his hands move up my arm before he pins them above my head with one hand. The other hand reaches below to pull my shorts down. He releases his hold briefly to yank his jeans and shirt off. He helps me take mine off and then he’s on top of me again. Our flesh together creates a spark of heat within me. All I feel is desire.

  An ache builds between my legs at the feel his arousal against my leg. His fingers spread, drifting up my thigh. He cups my breasts, allowing his tongue to circle around my nipple. I buck against him, wanting his mouth in more places than one. He swirls his tongue around my other nipple and as my body arcs more and more for him to be inside of me, he begins to lower himself.

  Heat from his tongue circles around my navel before hitting the core. As his tongue touches my most delicate spot, I gasp heavily and braid my fingers through his silky hair. He grunts against me, his tongue swirling and sliding all at the same time. I can feel myself reaching my point bu
t Nolan jerks back quickly.

  Gripping my waist, he pulls me against him until he’s poking against me. He bends down, staring into my eyes while entwining his fingers with mine and placing them above my head. He inches closer and I crave for him the longer he’s not inside me.

  And then it happens.

  He strokes his way in with a grunt he’s been holding in all evening. The bandages around his knuckles are rough but I don’t care because it’s right to feel him like this. “You have no idea what you do to me, Bunny,” he whispers in my ear, making my head spin faster. “No idea how much you mean to me—how much I really love you.”

  His strokes deepen and soon he releases my hands to cup my ass. My fingernails bite into the skin of his back, heavy moans releasing. The room heats up and sweat forms between us. Our lips touch continuously. We’re so close and I never want it to end.

  We’re so close and all I want to do is hold on.

  I never thought I could feel like this. I’ve been told that I’ve come a long way from what I used to be. From being cheated on, to having a broken heart, to mending it again with Nolan. Nolan and I are still learning from one another. We’re still cherishing what we have. We’re still young but if there’s one thing we’re sure about, it’s each other.

  That break between us was both good and bad. Bad because I never wanted us to part, but good because we’ve learned a lot. It opened our eyes completely and if it happens again, we’ll know exactly how to handle it. We’ll only continue to move forward in life.

  I know during the years to come, we will only continue to grow. Every relationship has its flaws, its trials. No relationship is perfect and I don’t expect ours to be. I don’t expect anything but for us to be ourselves. For us to feel as alive as we are now. As long as we’re together, that’s how it always will be.