Trish did her best to lose herself in work, going through the returned books pile to scan them back in. Angela came over to help out.
“What did you do on the weekend?” Angela asked.
“Huh?” Trish thought she’d seen June walking toward the doors, but it was only someone wearing similar clothes.
“Just asking how your weekend was?” Angela repeated.
“Oh, it was good. You?”
Trish checked her watch, seeing that the morning had flown, and it was time for her lunch break. She’d forgotten to bring a salad like she usually would, so instead she collected her handbag from the staff room. As she was going along her usual path to the front door, June was right ahead of her.
“Hey. Are you heading off for the day?” Trish asked, tapping her on the shoulder. June turned to look at her, smiling.
“Yep, I have to get to work. I’m just going to get some lunch before I go in. What are you doing right now?”
“I was going to get lunch myself. I don’t suppose you’d want to get something together?”
“Sure. There’s a little Vietnamese bakery just off campus that I was on my way to, want to join me?”
“Of course.”
They walked so close to one another that Trish’s handbag bumped into June.
“Sorry about that. You seem to know the city so well. You grew up in Melbourne?” Trish said.
“No, actually, we moved here when I was seventeen. From Queensland.”
“Really? I wouldn’t have picked you as a Queenslander.”
June laughed. “Are you talking about my accent? I’ve dropped it a little.”
She pointed toward the bakery, which had a line out of the door. They joined the end and ordered, then took rolls packaged in white paper bags to the tables outside.
When Trish bit into her banh mi she looked down at it, groaning. The fresh roll was stuffed with crisp vegetables and tender pork. It was perfect.
“How do you know about all the good food places? It’s like a special power you have there.”
June had waited while Trish lifted the roll to her mouth. After a few moments, she picked up her own and bit into it. “I like good food. My mother’s a chef. She raised me to appreciate eating as being about more than getting fuel. She was always getting me to try different things, experiment with different flavors.”
“Well, I’m very happy for you to pass that along. This is delicious.”
Trish wiped some sauce from the corner of her mouth. Eating in front of someone you were attracted to wasn’t an easy thing to do gracefully. She couldn’t remember having this problem with Katrina, even at the beginning of their relationship. “So, you said you love reading. Who are your favorite authors?”
“Hmm. That changes depending on what day you ask me, but I do love Joan Didion. I like Nabokov, Dostoevsky, Faulkner. Lots of stuff, really.”
“Whew, I’m a little intimidated.”
“Who do you like?”
“I’m a Didion fan myself actually. And Patricia Highsmith, I really like her too. James Baldwin.”
“So, you’re no slouch yourself. Hey, there’s something I need to ask you,” June said. “If you don’t mind.”
Trish wiped her fingers on her napkin and folded her hands in her lap. June was looking at her in a way that suggested this was something serious.
“Go ahead,” Trish said.
“I don’t want to be pushy or to make you feel uncomfortable. But I’ve been wondering, can I talk to you about why you don’t want to date? Are you seeing someone already?”
Trish took a sip from her water, stalling while she thought about how to answer. “I’m not seeing anybody. I just don’t think it would be a good idea for us to go down that road. Is that going to be a problem for you? If you don’t want to hang out, I understand.”
June leaned back in her chair, playfully putting a hand under her chin as though she was ready to go into a deep analysis of Trish’s motivations. “I didn’t say it was a problem. I’m just interested. Why wouldn’t we be a good idea together?”
Trish couldn’t meet her eye. It felt like June was making fun of her. If it were anyone else she would be thinking about getting up and walking off. She wished she didn’t like June the way she did, that she didn’t care so much about her opinion. “Well, for one thing, it would be inappropriate. I’ve met you through work. You didn’t even graduate that long ago. What if people saw us together and thought you were a student, and got the wrong idea?”
June frowned. “I don’t think it would be inappropriate. We would just explain to people that I’ve graduated, wouldn’t we?”
“Look, I just got here. It might not seem like much to you, but I don’t want to take that kind of risk.”
“Okay, it’s just that I don’t really think it’s a risk. And I wouldn’t tell Ms. Rose we were dating if that’s what you wanted,” June said.
Trish didn’t laugh. That was exactly the sort of thing she was worried about. It was not funny to her that people like Ms. Rose might get the wrong impression.
June shrugged. “If I were still a student I’d understand, but I don’t get it. Why am I getting the feeling that’s not the real reason?”
“Well, there’s also the age difference,” Trish said.
“Why, how old are you? I don’t know how old you think I am, but I’m twenty-six.”
“I’m thirty-five. That’s a nine-year gap. I think we’re probably at very different stages in our lives.”
“I don’t think nine years is so bad. Who cares about an age gap unless someone’s way too young?” June leaned back and crossed her arms, looking at Trish with her head tilted. “Maybe it’s just that you don’t like me that way, and it’s okay to say that. I’d prefer to just know. I like honesty.”
“What I think about you is not really the issue,” Trish said tightly.
“How can it not be? I know you’re not straight, you mentioned your ex. Or, is it going to be that you’re just not ready for a relationship yet?”
Trish barely managed stop herself from snapping. “I’ve only been single for six months. So yes, it is a little bit too soon for me, but as I’ve said I have other reasons.”
“Hey, I’m really sorry. I didn’t know that it was so new.” June put her hand on Trish’s thigh, just for a moment.
“That’s okay.”
“Well, I really am sorry I said that. It’s just that I’m not asking for a serious relationship right this second. I thought we could just hang out and see what happens.”
Trish leaned forward, lowering her voice. June did not seem to care who heard their conversation, but she did. “June, I’m serious about this. I just can’t, I’m sorry. I would very much like to be friends with you. I like spending time with you. If my not wanting to date you is going to be an issue, then you’re free to let me know.”
June waited for a long time before answering, searching her face. “So, you don’t ever want to have sex with me?”
Trish coughed, practically choking on air. “Wow. You really don’t like to beat around the bush, do you?”
June smirked. “I’m sorry, I’m just making fun of myself at this point. I know I can be a little on the direct side, so thanks for being willing to talk it through with me. I really hope I haven’t offended you.”
“It’s no problem,” Trish said. June didn’t seem hurt. June’s self-confidence gave her a thick skin, one that Trish envied. “I’m glad we had this conversation.”
“Me too,” June said. She held out her water glass and clinked it against Trish’s, sealing the deal.
* * *
Two days later, June came into the library and pushed a book into the returns slot, which was at the counter that Trish was standing behind.
“Hey, how have you been?” June asked, nodding toward her.
Again, this morning Trish had taken care with her appearance. She’d put in contact lenses, and she’d worn a black sweater with a scooped neckline. Jun
e’s eyes remained trained on her face; they didn’t drop down to check her out.
“Good, good. And you?”
Trish took a shaky breath. Since their conversation at the bakery, she’d been nervously waiting to see June again. Though June had seemed fine with everything, Trish worried that if she had time to think about it she might change her mind. They had only known one another a short while, but Trish didn’t want to lose her friendship.
“Excellent, thanks. I had last night off, and guess what, I got to watch a whole movie.”
“A whole movie? A luxury for you, huh?”
“Heaven,” June said, closing her eyes.
“Was it any good?”
“I have no idea, I fell asleep.”
Trish laughed. “It’s starting to get pretty cold, huh?”
“It is. And it was still dark when I got up this morning. Days are getting shorter for sure.”
Trish shifted from foot to foot, cringing at the fact that she’d just resorted to making small talk about the weather. June looked at her watch, then smiled broadly at Trish.
“Anyway, no rest for the wicked. I’ll see you later.”
June walked away and Trish went over the interaction. June was being polite and friendly toward her, but the warmth and flirtatiousness was missing.
Trish was mortified to admit to herself how very much she missed it.
That night, Trish was draining hot water from a pot of pasta when a knock sounded on the door.
“Come in!” she yelled, transferring the steaming pasta into two bowls.
“Hey, what’s for dinner?” Leigh asked, dropping her handbag on the floor with a thud. She kicked off her heels and ran her hands through her hair.
“Hi to you too.”
Trish carried the bowls over to the table. She’d laid out extra chili, parmesan, and olive oil. Picking up the oil bottle, she drizzled it over her meal, ignoring the way Leigh was staring at her own dish.
Leigh finally pulled out her chair and sat down. “Trish, are you serving me just plain pasta? What did I ever do to you?”
“Don’t be rude. It’s pasta al olio.”
Leigh shook her head, twirling fettucine around her fork. “Whatever you say. How was your day?”
“Okay, I guess.”
“What’s the latest with June, have you seen her?”
“I’ve seen her, sure.”
“Hey, this is actually pretty good. And?”
“And, we’ve agreed it’s just friends and friends only. She seems cool with it.”
“I don’t know why you won’t just go for it. She’s gorgeous and single, and you have nothing to lose,” Leigh said.
“She’s not right for me. She’s a nice person but she’s not girlfriend material, I can tell.”
Leigh sighed heavily. “This is your whole problem, you’re always like ten steps ahead of whatever’s happening. You don’t have to marry her, you know. You could just have a bit of fun. She’s offering you the chance to just see what happens, with no strings attached.”
“That’s not me. I’m not going to get involved in something like that, it’s too messy. And in any case, she’s just not my type. She’s not serious about anything, always joking around. She works at a bar. Spending all her time writing a book that’ll probably never make a cent. I want to be with someone who has it together way more than she does.”
“That’s so judgmental.” Leigh narrowed her eyes. “You sound exactly like Mom and Dad. You even sound like Katrina. Sorry, but it’s true.”
Trish picked up their plates from the table and walked them over to the sink, mainly so that she could turn her back on Leigh. Her sister was right, it was an unfair thing to say. There was nothing wrong with working in a bar, and if she heard someone else say that she would be disgusted with them. In fact, she’d often argued with Katrina for looking down on people who had less money than they did. At least June was chasing a dream, doing something that Trish would never have the courage to pursue herself.
“I know it wasn’t right. I’m just so sick of always talking about this stuff with you. It feels like all you want to talk about,” Trish said.
“Trish, are you scared?”
Trish turned to look at Leigh, forcing herself to meet her eye, leaning against the sink and folding her arms. Leigh had always been able to see right through her, and she was impossible to lie to. Back when Trish was in high school, it was Leigh who’d first raised questions about Trish’s sexuality. Leigh joked that she’d dragged Trish out of the closet kicking and screaming, and there was an element of truth to it. “What do you mean? What do I have to be frightened of?”
“You’re scared of her, of June. I saw how you were the other night. Not wanting to go near her one minute, staying out all on your own for the chance to hang out with her the next.”
“I’m a grown woman, I’m not scared of girls,” Trish replied.
“I know you. Katrina was too easy for you, too simple. You never talked about it but we both know you were bored the whole time you were with her.”
Trish threw up her hands. “Maybe I was. What’s that got to do with anything?”
“You got into a rut you couldn’t get out of. Katrina couldn’t break your heart because you didn’t care enough.”
Trish did not bother to argue with that point. What she’d experienced when Katrina left sure seemed like heartbreak to her. Her self-esteem had plummeted, and she had looked around to discover that her life as she had always known it was over.
“What does Katrina have to do with June, anyway? I barely know this woman, and weren’t you just accusing me of getting ahead of myself? Why would I be worried about being heartbroken over her?”
“You know what I mean. You don’t want someone that can really get to you, you want something safe and predictable.”
“You don’t actually know everything, Leigh. Do you want dessert or not?” Trish grumbled, slamming the door of the dishwasher shut.
“Yes. And I want ice cream,” Leigh replied.
* * *
June stared at the computer screen, jogging her leg up and down and rubbing her eyes. She’d worked an extra shift at the bar on Wednesday night. Because she couldn’t afford to take the day off, she dragged herself into the library and was now running on coffee fumes.
She shouldn’t have bothered, because she was wasting her time. Anne had sent her a list of suggested articles to look at. It rubbed her the wrong way, because she thought she already had all the sources she needed and felt too exhausted to think about adding more. There were a couple of journal articles that she couldn’t locate which only added to her frustration.
A hand came down gently on her arm. “Is everything okay? You look like you’re having a rough morning.”
It was Trish. June wanted to be at peace with their friendship and most of the time she fooled herself that she was. She had always thought it was pathetic to chase after something that you couldn’t have. For the past couple of weeks, she had worked hard to detach herself, knowing that if she acted like she didn’t want Trish her mind would eventually follow.
It was unfair to take out her annoyance on Trish. June tried to pull herself together.
“Hey,” June said.
Trish grabbed a chair from the opposite desk and sat down next to her. “Can I help you with something?”
June held a couple of fingers to her temple. “I’m fine. It’s all good, you don’t have to sit with me.”
“What is it?”
“Nothing important, I’m just feeling dramatic today. Anne asked me to check out these articles and I can’t find them. I have no idea where she even got the ideas, or if maybe she’s thinking of something that doesn’t exist.”
“Can you ask her?”
“I might have to. I was just trying to avoid looking incompetent in case they really are easy to find and this is my fault. I don’t have to find them, it’s just a suggestion, but the thing is I know she’s always right. If she thi
nks they’ll be useful then they will be.”
“Show me what she said,” Trish said.
June angled her laptop toward Trish and opened the tab that displayed her email. Trish scanned it, then opened a search database, a different system than the one June had been using. She typed in terms, refined them, and within seconds she located the articles that June was looking for. June watched Trish’s long fingers roam over the keyboard so elegantly that she could be playing a piano.
“You’re good at this game,” June said. Just like that, her mood had been turned inside out until she felt calm. Trish lit June up inside.
“I should hope so, it’s my job. If you ever need any help, you can always ask me. I’m happy to…whatever you need,” Trish said.
June wondered if Trish was aware of the way that her eyes flicked between June’s own eyes and her mouth. That train of thought ground to a halt completely when Trish put her hand on June’s leg, lightly squeezing and sliding it up the length of her thigh. June jumped at the warm touch that she felt through her jeans.
It took everything June had to not push a hand through Trish’s hair. She had started wearing it down now and then, and June had the urge to touch it all the time. Instead, she put her hand on top of Trish’s, gently keeping her where she was.
Trish accepted her touch, her hand unmoving. June watched the rapid rise and fall of her chest, then met her eye again. At times, Trish looked away when it was like this, shifting her gaze elsewhere when she became conscious of how long they’d been staring at one another. Now she stared back, and June had the sense that Trish was daring her to do more.
There were students all around but the desk obscured what was going on between them. Trish’s fingers rubbed her thigh and June breathed in, moving subtly closer.
June had always thought of herself as someone whose blood ran a little cool. It wasn’t that she didn’t enjoy being with women, but to a certain extent she could take it or leave it. It wasn’t unusual for her to go for a while without sex or companionship, and that never bothered her. With Trish, though, closeness became a greedy desperate thing, something she couldn’t get enough of.
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