Like a Book

by Bette Hawkins

  “Please. Do go on,” June said.

  Trish laughed, shaking her head. “You must know how good this is. If the rest of your book is anything like this, it’s going to be wonderful. I can’t wait to read it.”

  “Thank you, really. I appreciate your help.”

  “Don’t mention it,” Trish said.

  “What are you doing for lunch?” June asked.

  Trish shrugged, finally breaking eye contact. “I made too much dinner last night for my family and meant to bring the leftovers, but I forgot. So, did you want to go out? Get a sandwich or something?”

  “Seems like a waste. I can run you back home if you really want to have your leftovers?” June said, holding up her helmet. “Quicker than the train, and a car too. You’re in Fairfield, aren’t you? We could be there and back in no time at all. You never have taken that ride with me.”

  “There’s enough food for two so it’s not a bad idea. But I can’t take your helmet, what would you use?”

  “Oh, I gave Ollie a ride to Max’s before I came here, and there’s a helmet strapped to the back of my bike. What do you say?”

  “It does make sense. Let’s go,” Trish said.

  June mounted her bike, waiting while Trish got on behind her. Trish took the steadying hand that June offered her, though she really didn’t need it. She closed her eyes when she was settled in behind June. In the last weeks she’d imagined riding with June like this. Instead of taking advantage of the opportunity she sat slightly back, too nervous to lean in as she remembered June’s recent accident. But that was soon forgotten as they weaved in and out of traffic, a smile splitting her face by the time they arrived at her house.

  June looked up at the house, eyebrows raised. “Nice place.”

  Trish showed June around the house, leading her from room to room. She couldn’t help noticing that every time June complimented something, an ornament or a painting or the placement of a piece of furniture, it was a change that she had made since Katrina’s departure.

  Trish heated up the steak with the mushroom sauce that she had made the night before.

  “Let’s hope this doesn’t make it taste like an old piece of leather,” she said. June was such a foodie, and Trish wished that she had something more sophisticated to serve her. Her fears disappeared when June tucked in.

  “Mmm. You’ve cooked this just right. The sauce has so much flavor.”

  “It isn’t anything special,” said Trish, taking her seat at the kitchen table.

  “Sometimes it’s the simplest stuff that’s the best,” June replied.

  It was too quiet, no sound but the scraping of June’s knife while she cut her steak. Trish suspected that she was the only one who was finding this uncomfortable. June looked at home at the kitchen table, slumped down in her chair. Trish was conscious of the bed in the next room, and the fact that they were alone. They were almost always surrounded by other people. There was no chance of being interrupted or watched now. The thought was dangerous.

  “Thanks for inviting me around. Well, I invited myself around, but you know what I mean. It’s cool to get to see your house,” June said, her toned arms showing as she picked up her glass of water.

  Trish jerked her wrist in front of her face and looked at her watch. “That’s okay. But you know, I really should be getting back.”

  “No problem.”

  This time, Trish moved close to June, settling in snugly behind her. June had given Trish her jacket to wear, and Trish looked down at her leather-clad arms encircling June’s waist. She felt like she was stuck inside one of her own fantasies all the way back to the library. She had her arms and legs wrapped around June, her torso tight against June’s back. The bike rumbled heavily underneath them. When they stopped at a light June put her hand on Trish’s knee, and Trish hugged her more tightly, pressing up against her.

  It felt so right; she didn’t want the ride to end. Judging by the way that June reluctantly stepped off the bike, she felt the same way. Trish removed the helmet, trying to smooth down her hair where it had come loose.

  “That was fun. I can see why you like it so much,” Trish said. She unzipped the jacket and gave it back to June.

  “Thanks. You know, I’m going to be here the rest of the day. I can give you a ride home if you want.”

  Trish pushed her hair back behind her ear. “That would be great. It’s just that I need to stay back a while after closing and do a few things. It would mean you’d have to wait.”

  “That’s not a bad thing. I can get a little extra work done.”

  The building emptied out and the doors closed. June heard Trish sending off a couple of library assistants and gathered that it was just the two of them in the building now.

  June refreshed her word count and was satisfied at the significant progress she’d made today, which she’d managed to do even with all the distractions. If she kept up this pace, she might even be able to afford to take a couple of days off soon. Maybe Trish would want to hang out, and they could get out of the city on the bike. Trish had seemed to enjoy the ride today. It was a thrilling idea, the two of them out in the mountains somewhere or at the beach, Trish’s legs wrapped around her on the way.

  June stretched, looking around and wondering how much longer Trish was going to be, when Trish poked her head around a corner.

  “I won’t be long. I just need to tidy up a few things. Ms. Rose is on tomorrow, and she’s very particular about the way we close up.”

  “I bet she is,” June said, and they laughed.

  June got up to walk around and stretch her legs. Being here reminded her of a movie she’d watched as a kid, where a bunch of people were locked in a mall for the night. It felt like everyone else in the world had disappeared. It felt like anything could happen.

  June located the fiction section in the stacks. She couldn’t remember the last novel that she had finished. Maybe she should ask Trish to recommend her something. It never ceased to impress her, how well-read Trish was. The books here were mainly classics and a lot of them were familiar to her, but there were also plenty of titles that she had never cracked open. Now she picked one up and read the first sentence, running her finger over the words.

  She didn’t hear Trish approaching. She wasn’t sure how long Trish had been standing there.

  “Are you ready to go?” June asked.

  Trish kept opening her mouth and then closing it again, rubbing her hands on her thighs.

  “What is it?”

  “I’m not sure that it’s a good idea anymore,” Trish said.

  “What do you mean?”

  Trish put a hand out, bracing herself on the shelf next to her. “I don’t know.”

  June closed the book and returned it to its place, then moved closer to Trish. She didn’t really need to ask. She knew very well why Trish was hesitating, because of what had been between them all day.

  “Tell me,” June said. She needed to hear her say it.

  Trish exhaled. “I’m afraid that if we go on the bike, and I’m close to you again like that, I won’t be able to stop myself from inviting you inside when we get home. Which would mean either embarrassing myself if you said no, or doing something we shouldn’t if you were to say yes.”

  June watched her levelly, weighing up her next move.

  “Do you really think I’d say no to you?” June said.

  “I’m sorry,” Trish said.

  “It’s okay. Listen, do you want me to just go? I can walk out of here right now if that’s what you want.” When Trish shook her head, June beckoned her closer. “Then come here. Just talk to me.”

  Trish walked over to June, slowly. They both leaned against the shelves, standing close to one another.

  “It would have been a hard yes, for the record,” June said. Trish laughed, but it didn’t reach her eyes. June lifted a hand and lightly passed it over Trish’s cheek.

  When she dropped her hand, Trish took it between her own. “I know I must seem
very confused. I keep trying to change the rules on you.”

  June shook her head. “I think we could do with a change in the rules. There’s nobody stopping us, is there? Do you want to kiss me again?”

  Trish drew deep breaths. Her gaze never moved from June’s lips.

  “We’ve done it before. We could always just act like it didn’t happen, just like we did today. Whatever we decide is okay is okay. If that’s what you want.”

  “And you would be okay with that?”

  “Yes,” she lied.

  June was so close to pulling Trish toward her, to doing what she knew they both wanted. But Trish was still just looking at her, not moving, and June was starting to wonder if this was worth sacrificing her dignity for. What was she doing? Had she lost her mind?

  “Good night, Trish,” June said, trying to not let frustration creep into her voice. It wasn’t that she was mad at Trish, not exactly. One look at her and the agony she was in made it clear that she wasn’t intending to be difficult. A different kind of woman might have just jumped in by now rather than being so worried about the consequences.

  June would be okay, she just needed a good long ride around the city to cool down, and time to think about how to stop this from happening again.

  As she turned Trish’s hand was on her arm, firm and insistent.

  “It’s okay, Trish. I just need some time to myself,” she said, but Trish pulled her around until they were facing one another. In a moment, June’s back was against a shelf. The impact was light but June had thrown out an elbow, so the books thudded to the ground.

  Trish’s hands were on her shoulders now. Their faces were so close together that Trish’s breath tickled against her mouth.

  June pushed the hair back from Trish’s face and pressed her lips softly to Trish’s forehead, then her cheek, and then finally came to her lips. She felt Trish’s mouth open to hers with a shuddering sigh.

  They kissed slowly. This time the privacy meant they could indulge themselves in a way that they hadn’t before. Trish pressed against her, so close that there was no space between them at all, June’s back pushing against the shelves. Trish’s hands rested lightly on her waist.

  June took her hand and ran it from Trish’s hair, down the length of her lean body. As she did it, Trish kissed her harder, stabbing her tongue into June’s mouth, the kiss transforming from soft and sweet to something more erotic.

  It was a dance, the pressure between them moving back and forth.

  Trish took a fistful of June’s hair in her fingers and moved her head back to kiss June’s neck, as June moved against her. There was no sound but her own breath, fast and loud. Trish’s soft tongue licked at her neck, wet heat on her skin.

  Words came to June’s lips and died there, because as intimate as this was she should not risk making it more so. She wanted to say that she had wanted to kiss Trish since they met, that she loved kissing her so much. For now, she had to be content to focus on the sensations. Trish was kissing her neck, pulling down the front of her shirt to place her mouth on June’s collarbone.

  June’s head was thrown back, her mouth open. She let Trish take the lead, knowing that this all had to be her decision. Trish kissed her way back up June’s neck, her breath hot against June’s ear.

  June reached out and gently took hold of Trish’s face in her hands. “Just a sec,” she said. “Can I?” She loosened Trish’s hair from its bun, running her fingers through it. Trish closed her eyes, her lips parting slightly. June ran a finger along Trish’s lower lip, across the softness of it.

  They stared into one another’s eyes. June thought she might be able to see fear in Trish’s face again and she put her hand against Trish’s cheek gently.

  “Are you okay?”

  Trish nodded, staring at June’s lips. They came together again, their kiss open-mouthed and fierce.

  Trish’s hand inched downward to lay on June’s breast, and June pushed softly against her hand, arching her back. Then they were standing holding one another, their kisses stopped for a moment as Trish’s hand caressed June and June sighed against her.

  They really should leave, because if they didn’t cool it down they were going to do things that really should not be done here. The thought had barely crossed her mind before she was throwing it away, closing the door on it so she wouldn’t have to look at it.

  They were joined again, their kisses hard one moment and soft the next. June took Trish’s head in her hands and tasted her mouth, intoxicated by it. June could not remember why they were not supposed to be doing this. The smell of Trish’s hair made her want to bury her face in it, but she settled for running her fingers through it.

  Trish pushed her hand up June’s top and touched her over her bra, caressing the shape of her breast.

  Still it didn’t seem to be enough for Trish. She pulled down the cup, sliding her fingers over June’s skin, feeling the weight of her breast in her hand, and it was lovely and it made June gasp, but still it was not enough.

  Trish slid her hand down and cupped June between her legs over her jeans, holding her hand there. June’s hand, trembling, lay over hers. Their faces were close to one another’s, their foreheads pressing together. June’s hips jerked forward, and she gripped Trish’s hand tightly, rubbing it against her pelvis until Trish pressed her fingers down harder. Trish flicked her tongue over June’s lower lip, then reached for the buckle of June’s jeans.

  There was a loud whirring from downstairs, far away, and it was a measure of how far gone they both were that for a moment it seemed that they were both considering ignoring it. Trish pulled her hand away.

  “What’s that?” June said breathlessly.

  “Shit. Vacuum, I think. The cleaner,” Trish said.

  “Oh,” June said. “What do we do?”

  Trish’s eyes were darting around. “I think if you go down the back stairs you’ll be able to avoid being seen. And I’ll go and say hello to them like I normally would. Okay?”

  “Yes, I can do that,” June whispered. She wanted Trish to ask her to wait outside, but she could see that it was out of the question.

  “Will I see you tomorrow for coffee?” June asked.

  “Yes, yes, of course,” Trish agreed.

  While she grabbed her things, June could hear Trish exhaling, pulling herself together, and straightening up her clothes. Trish bent to pick up the books that had been knocked from the shelves. June stood and watched Trish while she pulled her hair back into a messy bun. Her fingers ached to touch Trish again.

  Chapter Twelve

  Trish sat with her bag clenched between her fingers, her legs jogging up and down while the carriage rumbled around her. The way she acted this evening was completely out of character. She was shocked at her recklessness.

  If things had taken a different course, Trish might have lost her job. All it would have taken was for the cleaner to have started on a different floor. She could almost see the cleaner’s shocked face in her mind. It would have been so humiliating.

  There was nobody else to blame. Though June had been a willing participant, and in fact Trish had to stop herself from thinking about just how wonderfully willing she had been, Trish had been the one to instigate it all. She was also the one who’d escalated things. When she searched herself to try and understand why she had behaved like that, she kept bumping up against the answer. She had never felt quite this way.

  It wasn’t like she had never been strongly attracted to a woman before. That had happened plenty of times, yet never with this intensity. Trish had been working so hard to control it, and every time she was around June she failed.

  Trish crossed her legs, glancing around at the bored faces of her fellow commuters. Why did she feel like people could see inside of her, even though nobody was even looking at her? Her face was hot, and she pressed a hand to her cheek.

  Katrina’s sudden return to her life must be contributing to all this. Their relationship had been the defining one of her
life. These past months had forced her to take a good hard look at that relationship, and a lot of what she saw made her uncomfortable. It was only now that she really let herself analyze what their sex life had been like. At the time, she had thought of it as being good enough, and had rationalized any problems away. Looking back with clearer eyes she couldn’t remember it ever being more than just okay.

  Katrina liked to be the one to initiate sex, and Trish had picked up early that she didn’t like it at all if Trish took the lead. They had settled into unsatisfying patterns early in their relationship, and once they were set Trish hadn’t known how to change them. She hadn’t even known how to talk about it with Katrina.

  June didn’t have the same problem with Trish being forward. Trish was just inches away from slipping her hand down June’s pants and June’s hand pressing down on hers made it clear that it was what she wanted. Trish put her head in her hands. June may have been able to forgive her after the party and that kiss, for the way she had pushed the boundaries of their agreement, but Trish wasn’t confident that she would keep being so understanding when it wasn’t in the heat of the moment and she had time to think about it.

  Trish hoped she was wrong. She had to take June at her word, it was all she could do. June said that they could pretend that it had never happened. It was the only way that Trish could imagine they would still be able to maintain their friendship. They would have to wipe the slate clean between them, and try to return to a time when they didn’t know what it was like to kiss one another.

  It felt like madness, but she hoped that it would work.

  * * *

  As she approached the coffee cart, June had no idea what to expect. She arrived early to try and gain some control. Her plan was ruined, because Trish was already standing to the side of the cart, looking down at her phone.

  June’s stare swept up and down Trish. The blue knit sweater clung to her, showing off her curves. June had been touched the day before, but she hadn’t had the chance to reciprocate. She wanted to run her hands over the front of that sweater, and push her hands underneath.