Nilda

by Nicholasa Mohr

  “No, he’s a good boy, but all the time he talks about the Air Force and the airplanes. He gets together with my Roberto and they both start the business about joining the Air Force.”

  “Rosario, I hope this terrible war ends soon. Anyway, from what they say on the radio, we are winning, and maybe we will have peace soon.”

  Nilda heard the other patients coughing and clearing their throats. It was quiet at this time; visiting hours today were not until evening.

  “Nilda,” she heard Aunt Rosario say, “do me a favor, honey. Please take this pitcher of water outside to the nurse and ask for some fresh. Tell her it is full but not cold. It is warm, okay?”

  Reluctantly, Nilda took the metal pitcher of water, annoyed that Aunt Rosario was again telling her what to do. She walked out into the hallway and went toward a desk that was placed outside a small examining room. The chair at the desk was empty and there was no one in the corridor. She looked inside the examining room. A man dressed in white sat by a table, looking at a folder. Nilda cleared her throat. “Excuse me,” she whispered, and waited. “Pardon?” she said a little louder.

  “Yes?” the man said. “What do you want?”

  “Some water, fresh water. My mother is in ward 4E, and my aunt sent me to see if I can get some more water. This water is too warm.”

  “Isn’t there a nurse outside?” he asked.

  “No.”

  “I don’t know. You might try the water fountain down by the elevator.”

  “All right,” Nilda said. “Thank you.”

  “Sure,” the man said.

  She walked out and headed down the corridor toward the elevator, looking for the water fountain.

  “Hey! Psst, psst,” someone called in a loud whisper. “Where are you going?” Nilda saw a nurse waving to her. “What are you doing here?” she asked irritably.

  “I’m visiting my mother and I was going to get fresh water.”

  The nurse grabbed the pitcher out of Nilda’s hands. She looked inside the pitcher and shook it. “What’s the matter with this? It’s full of water.”

  “It’s too warm. My aunt said to get some that is cold.”

  “What are you doing here now anyway? It’s not visiting hours till this evening.”

  “We got special permission to come,” Nilda answered.

  “What’s your mother’s name, and in what room is she?”

  “Her name is Lydia Ramírez, and she is in ward 4E.”

  “Is she on the critical list?”

  “Yes.”

  “All right, give me the pitcher; I’ll take care of it for you. But in the future, you cannot walk around in the halls like this. You should call somebody. Your mother has a button on the wall over her bed; all she has to do is push it.” She looked at Nilda and waited for an answer.

  “Yes,” Nilda said.

  “All right then, go back to your mother and I’ll take care of this.”

  Nilda returned to the ward. She saw that Aunt Rosario had been crying; she held a tissue up to her face, blowing her nose and wiping her eyes. Her mother’s eyes were open wide, much wider than usual. Nilda wanted to tell her mother about the nasty nurse, but felt foolish for even thinking of complaining about anything. “The nurse took the pitcher and she said she’s gonna bring it back with fresh water,” she said.

  “Good girl,” her mother said, smiling. Her mother’s hair was neatly parted in the middle and combed into two tight braids framing her face. With her hair fixed that way, Nilda noticed, for the first time, how much weight her mother had lost; her body seemed to disappear under the white hospital gown.

  “Well, Lydia, I have to see the doctor now for a little while,” Aunt Rosario said, quite composed. “Nilda, honey, you stay with your mamá. I’ll be back in a little while.” She put her arm around Nilda and gave her a soft hug. “Lydia, now is the time to tell me about what you want. I can speak to the doctor personally. Besides more of the pills, anything else, Lydia? Eh?”

  “Just to increase the pills, especially at night for the pain. Or maybe, Rosario, a sleeping tablet that is stronger, that’s all.”

  “Okay,” Aunt Rosario said, “right away,” and she left, walking out of the ward. Nilda took an empty chair and placed it next to her mother. She sat down, taking her mother’s hand.

  “Nilda,” her mother said, “I have to talk to you, honey. Listen, I have to tell you something and you have to hear every word I say, okay?” Nilda looked at her mother, trying not to act too frightened, and nodded her head. “I may not get better … you have to think about that.”

  “No, Mamá!” Nilda protested.

  “Shh, you have to listen,” her mother said seriously. “Now, just in case … I have already talked to Rosario. She knows just what to do; you must listen to her.” Nilda felt her face getting flushed, and she began to cry and shake her head. “Shhh … shh … Nilda, stop it! Now just cut that out. How am I gonna talk to you if you carry on like a baby? A big señorita like you should not act like this.”

  “I don’t care,” Nilda sobbed. “I don’t feel like no big señorita anyway! And I don’t like Aunt Rosario; she’s always bossing me.”

  “Come on now, shh … honey.” Her mother stroked her hair. “Now, listen … if she bosses you it is for your good. She’s wonderful and she loves you.” Nilda shook her head furiously and sobbed quietly. “Never mind … she does love you.” Her mother waited and was silent for a moment. Nilda stopped sobbing and sat quietly. “Nilda,” her mother continued, “if anything happens to me, you will go to live with her and you must be cooperative and listen to her; she has given me her promise and her solemn word that you will be to her as you are to me.”

  “Mamá,” Nilda cried, sobbing softly, “I don’t wanna live with them … I wanna stay home … in my house with Aunt Delia and Frankie.”

  “You have to start to grow up, honey. If something happens to me, your home is with Rosario, and with no one else. Aunt Delia cannot take care of you! She cannot even care for herself; she has always been a worry to me and you know that. Frankie is going to leave; I know that as soon as he can, he will join the service, and you will be alone.”

  “What about Victor and Paul, Mamá? I can live with Paul, and Jimmy’s gonna come home, ain’t he? Maybe if Jimmy gets a job, Aunt Delia and me, we can manage something.”

  “They are grown men with lives of their own. Victor will get married and have his family. Paul is in the Navy; I don’t know when he will get out even. You have to go with Rosario. Jimmy is not even home yet. And he has his own problems; I cannot leave you in his care. I will not be here. Do you understand? Nilda?” Nilda was silent. “Your home is with Rosario and you will be a good daughter to her.” Nilda remained silent. “Nilda?” her mother insisted, “You must promise me. I cannot die without your promise!”

  “¡Mamá! You are not gonna die! No!”

  “Nilda, your promise,” her mother said, determined. “I said your promise! Look at me.” Nilda looked at her mother. “Go on, honey. I must know that you will be in good hands. She will be as your mother … you must promise.”

  “All right, Mamá, I promise … if that’s what you want,” she said tearfully.

  “Yes, Nilda, that is what I want.”

  Nilda put her head down on the bed next to her mother’s shoulder, and they were both silent. After a while Nilda spoke. “Maybe you will get better? Right, Mamá?” she asked hopefully.

  “Maybe I will … you never know, nothing is for certain … so you must pray … and I will pray also. There is always hope. Right, honey?” Her mother seemed more cheerful; Nilda was relieved and became talkative, discussing school, her friend Sylvia and their neighbors at home. Rosario returned and the three of them spoke a little longer.

  A young nurse walked up to the bed. “Here’s your water, Mrs. Ramírez,” she said, smiling. “And it’s time for your temperature and medicine.”

  “Lydia,” Rosario said, standing. “I’m coming back tonight. Willi
e’s bringing the kids, okay? We’ll see you later. Don’t forget I already talked to the doctor and he said he would increase the pills. So, let me know; anyway, you rest now.”

  Nilda bent over, kissed her mother and followed Aunt Rosario out of the ward.

  Outside, it was still hot and humid. Traffic was heavy and people rushed back and forth. She walked quickly, beside Aunt Rosario, as they hurried to catch their bus back uptown.

  May 1945

  Nilda waited in the corridor outside the ward, standing next to Victor, who was in uniform. He was to be discharged from the service in three weeks, but had arrived last night on special leave. Frankie walked back and forth nervously; once in a while he whispered something to Victor.

  Everyone had been informed; telegrams had been sent to Jimmy and to Paul. Aunt Rosario had been at the hospital most of the night and, after going to the apartment briefly, had returned early this morning to summon a priest for Nilda’s mother. Aunt Delia had not been allowed to come to the hospital this past week. Despite her persistent questioning, everyone had reassured the old woman that all was going well at the hospital.

  Aunt Rosario stepped out of the ward, wiping her eyes. She looked at Nilda. “Nilda … go on inside now … but remember your mamá is very, very sick, and I want you to try to compose yourself so that you don’t make her too nervous.” Aunt Rosario waited and Nilda did not move. “Go on … for heaven’s sake,” she said impatiently. “Lydia wants to see you alone for a little while, hurry up.” Nilda nodded and slowly walked inside the ward and over to her mother’s bed. This time the heavy green cloth curtains were pulled around the sides and front of the bed. Nilda extended her arm and pushed a section of the curtains aside, looking in. Recognizing her mother, she stepped in all the way, closing the curtains behind her.

  Her mother was lying back with her eyes shut, her head slightly tilted forward. For an instant she felt her insides jump. Is Mamá dead? she thought. But then she looked up and saw a metal stand supporting a bottle which hung upside down. An invisible liquid flowed out of the bottle and into a long thin tube; the tube was attached to a needle that was taped into her mother’s right forearm. She went closer to her mother and heard her breathing. Then raising her hand, she lightly touched her mother’s arm.

  Opening her eyes, she looked at Nilda and smiled faintly. “Nilda?” Her voice was very hoarse and just above a whisper.

  “Mamá, how are you?” Nilda said shyly. She had not been to see her mother for a few days.

  “Nilda … I’m very sick, nena.” She paused and breathed heavily. Looking down, Nilda began to cry. Her mother watched her and slowly shook her head. Nilda buried her face next to her mother’s on the pillow and cried uncontrollably for what seemed a long time. After a while she raised her head. “Take a tissue,” her mother said. Nilda picked up a tissue, blew her nose and wiped her eyes. “How’s school?” her mother asked.

  “Fine, Mamá.”

  “You still drawing those wonderful pictures?”

  “Yes.”

  “You are gonna stay in school … like a good girl and finish?” Her mother spoke very slowly. “You are not gonna be foolish and quit?”

  “No, Mamá.” Nilda sat on a chair and was very still, her eyes fixed on her mother.

  “Nilda, you have to promise me that you will stay in school, and that you will listen to Rosario.” Nilda nodded. “You eating all right?”

  “Yes.” There was a long silence. This morning, at home, Nilda had planned to ask her mother about a whole lot of things, and to talk about some of the things that bothered her. Now, as she sat close to her mother, she was very frightened and felt almost like a stranger. She did not know what to say or what to do. “¿Mamá?” Her mother looked at her. “Petra had a baby girl last Sunday.” Her mother smiled. “She had a little girl; she named her Marianne.”

  “Marianne? Do you know, Nilda, that was my mother’s name. Mariana. Yes, your grandmother. That’s a pretty name. Have you seen the baby yet?”

  “No, I just heard about it. Maybe I’ll go visit them next week.”

  “What about Indio? Nilda, did they get in touch with that boy?”

  “Well, I heard he’s coming home on leave, and that his father already gave Mr. López his word that Indio would marry Petra. Even though they are Lutheran, they said he will marry Petra in the Catholic Church. Anyway, that’s what I heard.”

  “Nilda, you must never do anything foolish like that. Never. Don’t have a bunch of babies and lose your life.”

  “You had children, Mamá, and you love them and—”

  “Nilda,” her mother interrupted, and reaching out with her free hand, took both of Nilda’s hands and held them tightly. “Listen to what I say. I love you, Nilda, and I love your brothers, all of you, regardless who the father was, I don’t care … you are all … still mine.” She paused and closed her eyes, remaining silent for a while. Nilda wondered if she had fallen asleep, but she opened her eyes again. “You are a woman, Nilda. You will have to bear the child; regardless of who planted the seed, they will be your children and no one else’s. If a man is good, you are lucky; if he leaves you, or is cruel, so much the worse for you.… And then, if you have no money and little education, who will help you, Nilda? Another man? Yes, and another pregnancy. Welfare? Yes, and they will kill you in the process, slowly robbing you of your home, so that after a while it is no longer yours.” She stopped speaking, and pushing her head back against the pillow, she stared at the ceiling, but continued to hold Nilda’s hands.

  “Mami?” Nilda whispered. “Aren’t you happy? I love you, Mamá. Aren’t you happy with us? I want to be with you all the time, Mamá.”

  Tightening her grip on Nilda’s hands, and without looking away from the ceiling, her mother said, “I have no life of my own, Nilda.” Her voice was very low and hoarse; Nilda had to lean closer to hear what she said. “I have never had a life of my own … yes, that’s true, isn’t it? No life, Nilda … nothing that is really only mine … that’s not fair, is it? That’s not right … I don’t know what I want even.…”

  She paused, and Nilda felt her mother’s body shaking; she was laughing without making any sound. “Do you know if I were to get well tomorrow … what I would do? Nilda? … I would live for the children I bore … I guess … and nothing more. You see, I don’t remember anymore what I did want.… Sometimes when I am alone, here in the hospital, I remember a feeling I used to have when I was very young … it had only to do with me. Nobody else was included … just me, and I did exist so joyfully in that feeling; I was so nourished … thinking about it would make me so excited about life.… You know something? I don’t even know what it was now. How is that possible? That there is this life I have made, Nilda, and I have nothing to do with it? How did it all happen anyway?

  “Do you have that feeling, honey? That you have something all yours … you must … like when I see you drawing sometimes, I know you have something all yours. Keep it … hold on, guard it. Never give it to nobody … not to your lover, not to your kids … it don’t belong to them … and … they have no right … no right to take it. We are all born alone … and we die all alone. And when I die, Nilda, I know I take nothing with me that is only mine.” She paused and said, “You asked me something, didn’t you? … oh, yes.… Am I happy? … I don’t know.… But if I cannot see who I am beyond the eyes of the children I bore … then …” turning her head, she looked directly at Nilda for a moment “… it was not worth the journey … and I might as well not have bothered at all.” Shutting her eyes once more, she lay back against the pillow.

  Nilda began to cry again, this time quietly. After a bit, she said, “Mamá, I don’t understand you.”

  “Someday you will, you know … yes. Hold on to yourself, even if at times you have to let go some … but not all! No … Nilda … not ever. A little piece inside has to remain yours always; it’s your right, you know. To give it all up … entonces, mi hijita … you will lose what is real insid
e you.”

  Opening her eyes, she turned and, smiling at Nilda, released her hands and stroked her hair. “My poor, Nilda. I have nothing to leave you, nothing. I only know that you have a little more than I ever had, and that will have to be enough.” Nilda watched as her mother breathed heavily; closing her eyes, she began to snore softly and evenly.

  Nilda felt very confused. She had wanted to say so many things and had forgotten what they were. Watching her mother sleep, she remembered that she had wanted to ask permission to go to Leo’s for a while. They had invited her, and Concha had said that she would be happy to have her the entire summer. She did not dare to wake her mother or ask her anything. She watched the bottle as it gulped bubbles of the invisible liquid into her mother, then glanced again at her mother, who seemed to sleep so peacefully. Nilda stood up and very carefully kissed her on the forehead, then walked past the curtains and out into the corridor, joining Aunt Rosario and her two brothers. They all looked at her anxiously.

  “She’s asleep … she …” Nilda hesitated and shrugged.

  “Okay. Good, honey,” Aunt Rosario said. “Did she talk long to you, honey? She wanted very badly to talk to you.” Nilda nodded her head. “Good. Victor, the priest has already been here; now, do you want to stay, and shall I take Frankie and Nilda home for now? What do you think?”

  “That’s a good idea, Tía. Go on ahead. I will stay and find out what’s happening. I don’t think she should be alone now.”

  Aunt Rosario nodded and asked, “Will you come home for a bite to eat, Victor?”

  “No, I’ll grab something down in the hospital cafeteria. Go on, it’s fine … now, if anything develops, I’ll call Jacinto’s grocery store. So don’t worry… go ahead … you look tired, Titi Rosario, why don’t you go on back and take a little nap yourself?”

  “No, Victor. I’m okay, and today is Thursday, so Willie’s bringing Claudia and Roberto tomorrow. He has been a very big help to us.” Victor nodded his head. “I’ll see you this evening, Victor.”