by J. P. Grider
“Right now I’m between jobs.” That wasn’t a lie. Not really.
“Do you live around here, Taggart?”
“I live in Lake Mohawk.”
“Oooh, fancy.” Sam continued with his pleasantries while he cut my hair and shaved my face. I asked him to keep my hair on the long side. I still preferred that look as opposed to a conservative one. Sam abided and cut my hair just below the neck, keeping the layers long and the bangs just below my eyebrows. It was shorter than what I had been used to, but when I caught my reflection in the mirror, it was a look I was comfortable with. My face was an altogether other matter. I hadn’t seen it in years. I may have kept up trimming my beard, but I hadn’t been clean shaven or at least only scruffy in an extremely long time. I wasn’t expecting to look almost my age. My eyeglasses hid the small lines that jutted from my eyes, but now without the beard, I couldn’t hide the lines that had formed around my jaw. It only stood to reason, I guess, that even though time stood still within the walls of my house, I would start showing signs of my thirty-eight years. I thanked Sam for his conventional service and warm conversation and headed out to find myself a new pair of sneakers. I was suddenly in the mood to start jogging.
Down the road, as luck would have it, I found a store called Sneakers to Boots. I pulled into the lot and parked. There were so many sneakers on the shelves; I didn’t know where to begin my search for a new pair. I should have brought Mara with me. That thought made me forget for a moment where I was. I just wanted to think about Mara, but the salesperson interrupted my thought with a question I hadn’t heard in a very long time. “Excuse me, but are you Tagg Holland?”
The question took me by surprise. Usually, when I did leave the confines of my house, like to go food shopping, no one would recognize me. Except for the incredibly painful memory of Crystal’s death and the reason behind it, I had forgotten that I was ‘Tagg Holland, the rock star.’ I was pretty much Tagg, the loser. So, when this thirty-something woman asked if I was Tagg Holland, rock-star, implied, I was caught off guard. My hand went to my chin, realizing then, that my beard could no longer provide the mask that I had hid behind. Not in the habit of lying about my identity, I responded truthfully. “Um, yes I am. I’m looking to buy some sneakers.” I figured by jumping into why I was there in the store in the first place, I would ward off any unnecessary questions as to where I have been lately. It worked. She asked me what I was looking for and I told her. I wanted a pair of shoes for running and a pair for working out. She measured my size ten foot, got me two sneakers that fit the description of what I needed and sent me on my way. Painless.
Now for the not so painless part, actually, putting on my sneakers and attempting to break out into a jog. Not an easy endeavor for a five-foot, ten inch, two-hundred pound man. But I did it. I walked for five minutes, like Mara instructed and then stretched my warmed muscles. After that, I jogged until I was breathing way too heavily, walked until my heart rate slowed a bit, then jogged again, repeating the pattern about five times. It was challenging, but more than that, it was invigorating. It felt good to move my body that way. I was inspired to continue on a healthy track. Let’s just hope my mood would last. I hoped it could last. I’ve only been merely happy for about a day and a half. But that was a day and a half longer than I had been in way too long.
The next morning, Mara was right on time, ringing my doorbell at ten o’clock in the morning. I had been up since eight; I had eaten a bowl of Special K with some Fiber One in it, a hard-boiled egg and a cup of coffee. I was dressed in my gray sweats, a t-shirt, and my new sneaks – the ones I bought for working out. I answered the door to see Mara with a smirk on her face, holding her duffle bag and a newspaper. I let her in. The first thing out of her mouth was “I like the shave and the haircut, how was your run?”
“Thanks and how did you know I went out for a run?” Mara held out the newspaper. It was today’s Daily Record. A picture of me jogging graced the very front page. The headline read Tagg Holland Comes Out of Hiding. I took the paper from Mara and brought it to the living room couch so I could sit down while I read it. Mara followed and sat next to me. There was no story, just a caption under the picture. The missing Holland singer appears out of nowhere, right here in Sussex County, seen recently, running through the Town of Sparta. Welcome back, Tagg Holland, we’ve missed you. I tossed the paper onto the coffee table and sat back against the couch.
“Does this upset you?” Mara’s tone implied that it shouldn’t.
“Yes” was all I said. Mara didn’t reply, so I continued. “I’m not ready for the public; I’m barely ready for a normal life.”
“I wasn’t aware you really ever had a normal life.” Mara’s eyes sparkled as she smiled at me.
I couldn’t be in a bad mood around Mara. “No, I never did have an ordinary life, but I’m still not ready for the public. Maybe I shouldn’t have shaved my beard.”
Mara put her hand on my knee. “No, Tagg, you look good.”
I saw that sparkle again in her eyes as she was looking at me. Her eyes looked like two big Hershey Kisses. That’s when it hit me. “Mara Giordano.” I couldn’t believe it.
She looked at me like I was crazy. “Yes?” Her yes was dragged out - Yeeeees?
“Mara. You were the girl who won that contest during our first headliner. You were the fourteen year-old.”
Mara blushed and looked down at her lap. “Yeah, I was the fourteen year-old.” She looked back up at me. “What made you remember?”
“Your eyes, they just reminded me of Hershey Kisses and back when I first met you eighteen years ago, I remembered thinking that then, as well.” This made me smile. “You left an impression on me then, Mara.”
“Well, you left one on me also. I was your biggest fan back then. I was part of your fan club and everything.” She blushed again.
“So, you liked me?” I was coy.
“Didn’t all the girls?” She hit right back.
“I guess so.” I wanted to drop the subject and Mara picked up on that.
“So, Tagg, let’s get started. Get your water and we’ll go upstairs.”
We headed up to the loft to begin my workout. Mara had me start on the treadmill for ten minutes to warm up. She said today we would start the weight-training. Even in my most energetic days, I had never weight-trained; my exercise included running around on-stage. I was hoping I wouldn’t embarrass myself too much today.
“Okay Tagg, you’re done on the treadmill, I’m going to start you off over here on the bench.” Mara was talking about a bench that had a bar that stuck out perpendicular from it, with another bar that sat across that bar. I walked over to it and sat down. “This is the bench press. It’ll help to make your chest muscles strong.”
“No, really?” I was sarcastic. I at least knew what a bench press was.
Mara smirked. “Tagg, don’t get smart. I don’t know what you know and what you don’t. You said you never lifted weights before. So…”
I interrupted. “Mara, I’m just kidding.” She was so cute when she was frustrated. “Show me what to do.”
“Lay on the bench, place your hands on the bar right here.” Mara had her hands on the bar where I was to hold. I was looking up at her, while she was looking down at me. She was beautiful. I had to swallow a lump in my throat, before I took the bar. “Now take the bar off the rest and bring it down to right above your chest.” I did. “Now, slowly lift it up straight.” I did. “And bring it back down.” I did. “Your first bench press. Now nine more.”
What?!
But, I did it nine more times like she’d said. It felt good. “Good job, Tagg. Take a sixty second break.”
“Sixty seconds? Then what?”
“Another set.”
“Holy cow, are you trying to kill me?” It didn’t feel that good.
“It wasn’t too heavy, was it? You were steady when you lifted; I thought it was just right.” Mara looked concerned that I might be hurting, maybe?
“No, it was okay. I was just teasing again. You’re easy to tease.” She was easy to tease, easy to look at too.
“Well, stop teasing and start concentrating. You need to focus when you’re training. No fooling around.” But, then she smiled. “Well, you can fool around, just don’t do it while you’re holding the weight. I don’t want you to get hurt.”
“Okay, Mara, I’ll focus.” And, for the next hour, I did focus. I focused on how much work weight-training was. I focused on the sweat that filled my brow and the fatigue that permeated my muscles. I was beat and Mara told me that I would feel worse tomorrow.
Why was I doing this? I didn’t have an answer for that, except, having Mara as my personal trainer was the only way to keep her around right now.
Chapter Five
After Mara finished kicking my out-of-shape ass, I asked her if she’d like to accompany me in having a cup of coffee. She said of course and she offered to make the pot for me. I, however, felt like being a bit more formal today, so I asked her if she would mind going to the local Starbuck’s with me. No, she wouldn’t mind. She was always just so sweet. She waited for me in the living room, while I took a quick shower. After all, I worked out pretty damn hard, it made sense that I’d smell like I did. When I was done showering, I ran a quick blow dryer through my hair just to get the extra wetness out. I looked at myself in the mirror. It had only been a week since I had started eating healthier, but already my face looked a bit thinner, the glow was coming back and the gray film that had covered my eyes had disappeared. They were blue again. There was still a familiar gnawing in my heart, but thanks to the appearance of Mara in my life, I was beginning to at least look alive again.
“Well that certainly felt good.” I uttered as I walked into the living room. Mara, smiling as she looked at me, took my breath away. While I was preening, Mara had taken out her ponytail, letting her shoulder length hair fall full around her face. Her lips were shining a pretty pink color and her face had a rosy hue to it. It appeared that Mara was doing a little primping herself. This sudden awareness sent a shudder through my veins. Could Mara be attracted to me as I was to her? I certainly hoped so.
“You look good, Tagg. I like your hair down.” I, too, had been wearing a ponytail up until today. Even after the haircut, I still pulled what I could back. It was easier than styling it.
“Thanks. I’m thinking about streaking it again.” Then I laughed. “Nah, that’s the old me.”
“Either way you would look good.” Mara blushed, but she didn’t stop talking. “It’s good to see you looking yourself again.”
“Yeah, well, I’d like to feel like myself again.” I digressed. “Let’s go. I’ll drive.” I did love my car. It was the only possession I owned that I really appreciated. Mom and Dad always bought me things growing up. My ‘Vette was the first thing I bought with money that I had earned on my own. I did love my ‘Vette.
Mara’s sweet smell was almost overwhelming as she sat so close to me in the passenger’s seat. She smelled like cinnamon and…pears, I believe. While I was driving, I actually closed my eyes a couple of times to inhale her scent. I turned the radio on just in case the silence got awkward, but an old Holland song was on. This kind of ruined my mood. I had a bittersweet taste in my mouth when it came to my old life. I missed it, yet it was exactly that lifestyle that had ruined my life, destroyed my mind and demolished my heart. It was hard to look back fondly on my golden days. Fortunately, Mara had interrupted my thoughts. “Tagg,” Mara hesitated, “does it bother you to hear your old songs?”
“Why?” Here I was on the defense again.
“The expression on your face changed.”
“I guess it does. I don’t like thinking about those days.” I hated being sullen around Mara. I really liked her and I just wanted to enjoy her company; I needed to put these bad thoughts behind me. “It’s okay. I’m over it.” I turned a quick glance at Mara to reassure her. She nodded her head. She didn’t press. She never seemed to force a subject that was uncomfortable. That was a pretty good quality; I respected that.
“So where’s the Starbuck’s around here?” Mara asked.
I was surprised. “Don’t you live around here?”
“I live in Oak Ridge; it’s about twenty, twenty-five minutes from here.”
“Is that West Milford?” I really hadn’t traveled outside of a three-mile radius since moving here, so I wasn’t too familiar with the surrounding towns.
“No, I’m on the Jefferson side.”
“What’s the Jefferson side?”
Now it was Mara’s turn to be surprised. “I guess you’re not too familiar with the area, either?” I had parked my car and ran to the other side to open the door for Mara, but she was already on her way out; I guess she hadn’t pegged me for the courtly type, even though I’ve been trying in the short time she’d been around. I ordered us two low-fat lattes and we finished our conversation while we waited.
“Well, I only moved here a little over five years ago.”
Mara chuckled. “Is that all?”
She did make me laugh; I was so much lighter around Mara, I didn’t want it to ever end. “Uh, I haven’t been out too much since then.” I kept the smile on my face to remain buoyant; I didn’t want her to see my inner turmoil. It embarrassed me to admit I’d been a hermit for so long.
The lattes were done and we proceeded to sit at a cozy little table at the back of the establishment.
I saw that Mara was still thinking about my last comment. Compassion was apparent on her face. “Tagg… Um, I know you’ve managed to stay away from the paparazzi for a long time, but, um, I mean, I’m sorry, I shouldn’t pry.”
I was a little apprehensive about hearing her question, but if I wanted some type of relationship with Mara, I figured I had to be somewhat open with her. “It’s okay, what are you trying to ask?”
“You really haven’t gone out…in seven years? I mean, you must have friends?” She was looking concerned, but she didn’t seem to pity me. I hoped not.
“I have friends. I, uh, just haven’t seen them in a while.” I sighed. “I closed my self off from everyone, Mara.” I sighed again, this time taking a moment to close my eyes. This was hard for me to talk about. “After the incident, it got harder to face anyone. At first, the media kept hounding me, but then, after some time, they’d stopped following me. No one really bothered to find out where I’d gone after I shut my beach house down.” I paused a few seconds, but Mara sat silently waiting for me to continue. “After I moved to Sparta, it was easy to be alone. My mother brought groceries in the beginning, but then once I grew my beard and stopped wearing my contact lenses, I figured I could at least do my own food shopping. After I drank and ate myself up to two-hundred pounds, it just got easier to hide myself.”
Mara looked down for a second, before looking up at me and nodding. “It was hard to recognize you with the beard. I like the glasses though. They make you look … educated.”
“What makes you think I’m not?... Educated, I mean.”
“I didn’t think you weren’t, I just thought the glasses made you look that way.”
“Because I did go to college you know?” I used my finger to push my glasses further up my nose, to emphasize my nerdiness.
Mara gave a little smile and nodded her head upward, “Now, when would you have had time to go to college? And, wouldn’t I have read about it in the papers all those years ago?”
It was my turn to smile back at Mara in defense, “I wasn’t totally useless while I sat on my ass for seven years. I took some classes on-line; before I knew it, I had enough credits to graduate. I’ve been thinking of actually, physically going to college to get my Master’s.”
“What was your online major?”
“Finance.” I made a hmmph sound instead of a chuckle. “I figured I better learn how to take care of my money …since I wouldn’t be actively making any more.”
“Smart move.” Mara took a pensive pause. “Tagg �
��can I ask you something else?” Mara had that look on her face that said her question wasn’t going to be an easy one to answer. You know the one, when your face gets all scrunched up, because you’re embarrassed about something? I gave a slight nod with a gentle upward turn of my mouth. She took that how I meant it and asked her question. “Don’t you get bored staying in your house all the time?”
For someone who says she’s shy, she certainly is a forward little person. “Yeah, I do. I get out, but I usually stay on my property. I take walks to my dock on the lake and sit there… all day, sometimes. It’s a lonely life I’ve made for myself, but it’s what I deserve.”
“Why do you deserve to be lonely? No one deserves that.”
“Mara, you were a fan of Holland, you must have read the papers.” I reached in my pocket for a cigarette, but I came up empty; remembering now that I was trying to quit.
“But that doesn’t explain why you’ve earned a lonely life.” Mara bit her lower lip, a sign that she was feeling a little uneasy.
“Mara …the reason Crystal was speeding that night in her car was because she had just caught me in our marriage bed with another woman. A woman whose name I can’t even remember.” I was getting loud. Luckily I realized that before anyone had noticed. I lowered my voice. “Don’t you see? If I hadn’t been cheating on her, she’d have never taken off.” I lowered my head into my hand. I didn’t even want to look Mara in the eyes.
What I heard was silence. Not the usual, ‘Oh Tagg, you couldn’t have known,’ or ‘Oh Tagg, it’s not your fault she took off like that.’ No, what I received from Mara was her hand. She placed it on top of my hand, the one that wasn’t holding my head up. I turned my hand up, so that my hand was now holding hers. It was warm and comforting to have Mara’s hand in mine. It sent a sensation up my arm that felt like trickling warm water. Slowly, I raised my head to look into her eye. She was crying. Her chocolaty brown eyes were filled with transparent liquid. She was beautiful, but she was sad. I had an instinctual feeling that she wasn’t sad for only me.
