by J. P. Grider
Chapter Six
“I’m sorry Mara. I didn’t mean to make you cry.”
“That must be a terrible burden to live with.” Mara ignored my apology and continued to hold my hand.
Was she confirming that it was my fault? I mean, yeah, it was, but usually people, well at least my mother, never agreed with me. Auggie, sure. The paparazzi, of course. But, the latter had just wanted a story and I’m sure Crystal’s sister, Cameron had helped that story as much as my nameless lover had. Cameron was so bitter after the accident. When she had found out about my infidelity, Cameron nearly lost it. She’d come to my house, nearly broke down my door and started beating on me. Of course, I’d let her. I’d deserved it. If I could have physically beaten myself up, I would have. So, to let Cameron do it, well, she was actually doing me a favor. When Cameron had realized that I was as miserable as she was, she’d stopped attacking me. But, now Mara wasn’t going to make this easy? Wasn’t that human nature, to minimize what someone else was feeling to keep their own level of discomfort at a minimum? But, I duly answered Mara’s question, “Yes, Mara, it is a terrible burden to live with, but I deserve it.”
Mara only nodded. She didn’t disagree. Either she was really insensitive to my feelings or she understood so completely that she had to agree with me. I truly believed the latter. I didn’t want to talk about this anymore. It hurt too much and I didn’t want to feel that stake twisting in my heart right now. But, I couldn’t seem to stop. “You know, Mara, I never told anyone this. Of course, my mom and dad know and Crystal’s family, well they were aware, but…”
“Excuse me, but aren’t you Tagg Holland?” The women who interrupted were giggling like school girls, but they weren’t school girls. They had to be close to my age. It looked ridiculous. Being star-struck like that, at their age was just ludicrous. Maybe I was being insensitive, but the whole idolizing thing drove me crazy. I was no better than anyone else, worse actually, yet they treated me like I had cured Cancer. I took a look at them and then back at Mara who was looking at me, wondering, probably, why I wasn’t answering them. I continued gazing at Mara, but answered the women. “Yes, I’m Tagg.” I couldn’t take my eyes off Mara though. Her eyes were pulling me in so deep, I felt like suddenly I was going to drown …in a pool of milk chocolate. The two middle-aged women got the hint and walked away.
The moment had passed. I had begun to tell Mara my secret, but those ladies had interrupted and now the moment was lost. I would have to tell Mara some other time. I had just hoped the right moment would present itself again.
We finished our lattes and drove back to my house. I had asked Mara if she wanted to come in, but she said she had a spin class tonight and she wanted to take a nap before she had to go. I found that amusing. I could picture Mara napping, her small face peacefully gleaming as her mouth turned up just slightly, her eyes dancing beneath their lids while she dreamed. I could only hope that she would dream of me.
“Spin class, huh? Where do you teach?”
“At Fit Fanatics in Lake Hopatcong. Would you like to come and take my class?”
There was nothing I could do but laugh. “Mara, you have got to be kidding me. I can barely last a mile jogging, you expect me to last forty-five minutes in a Spin class?”
“Well, of course. You would go at your own pace. You wouldn’t have to follow what the rest of us were doing. There are beginners in every class I teach. It’s a good bunch of people too. Why don’t you give it try?”
“Maybe I will. But, not tonight. Not yet. Give me a little time to adjust to being out of the house.”
“Sure Tagg. But I’m going to hold you to it.” Then she gently put her hand on my arm, just above my elbow. “Thanks for the latte, Tagg. I had a really nice time.”
“I did too. Thanks for joining me.”
“I’ll see you Friday. And, if you go for one of your jogs, why don’t you put on a pair of sunglasses and a hat. Maybe you’ll avoid your picture in the paper this time.”
“Yeah, I’ll do that." I chuckled. "See you Friday, Mara.” I couldn’t wait until Friday.
The next several weeks with Mara were wonderful. Oh, of course she had kicked my fat ass, but it was starting to feel good. The soreness in my muscles was actually a good reminder for me to stay on track. Every time I felt an ache, or a slight pain in my arms or my legs, I knew I was working too hard to blow it on making the wrong food or beverage choice. Each time Mara and I were finished with our training sessions, we would go to Starbuck’s for our skinny lattes. The conversations never got as tense as our first visit, but they were enjoyable and very easy. I was comfortable with Mara and if I were not mistaken, she was comfortable with me.
It was Friday again and Mara would be coming any minute. I was doing really well and dropping weight at a pretty speedy pace. I could see muscles forming in my shoulders and biceps and it felt good. But it worried me, because when would Mara feel as if I didn’t need her as a trainer any more? I didn’t want her to tell me that I could do it without her. Of course I could workout without her pushing me, but then when would I see her? We hadn’t taken our relationship any further than a friendly trainer/client bond. It was maddening, but I really wanted to ask Mara out on a date. I just didn’t know how. I hadn’t prepared myself for ever dating again; I don’t even know if I should date. Could I ever be loyal? I mean I really screwed up in my marriage and that’s the century’s understatement. If I couldn’t trust myself, then how could I ever earn Mara’s trust in me? So, because I was essentially deciding not to ask Mara out, I was feeling a bit sorrowful about it. The trainer/client relationship was the best I could give, I guess.
When the doorbell rang, I expected it to be Mara. It was not. Standing at my front door was my 6’5” father, dressed in all his rock-star attire. It didn’t matter that my father was no longer performing; he still donned his black leather each and every day. Auggie Holland, with his long, thick salt and pepper hair, was a cross between Steven Tyler and Sam Elliot and he still attracted women of every age, any marital status. But, what was more astonishing than seeing my larger-than-life dad at my door was seeing the man who was standing next to him. My best-friend. Ronnie Fontane had a smile that spread from ear to ear. I’m not sure if it was a genuine, happy-to-finally-see-you-again smile or your-dad’s-gonna-bring-us-back-to-the-big-time smile. “Dad, Ronnie, come in.” Before I shut the door, I saw Mara hesitate on her way up the walk. “Mara, come on. It’s okay.” And, when she got closer, I whispered, “Please stay by my side the whole time they’re here.”
She crinkled her eyes at me like I was crazy, but shrugged and said, “Alright.”
We all headed for the living room, but no one sat down. “Dad, Ronnie, this is Mara, my …Mara.” I couldn’t call her my trainer. Even though she was, my feelings for her were deeper than that and I couldn’t bring myself to minimize what she was to me.
Mara held out her hand to both of them. “It’s nice to meet you.” Although she had looked them both in the eyes when she was shaking their hands, she did seem very shy in their presence. It was obvious she knew who they were. I suddenly felt a pang in the pit of my stomach, because I was thinking of the ladies at the Starbuck’s several weeks ago. Growing up around famous people, I guess I was immune to the hold that celebrities had on society. In an attempt to make Mara feel more comfortable, I moved closer to her and took her hand in mine. Truthfully, I don’t know if I did that to make her feel more at ease or to make myself feel that way. In any event, I was holding her hand in front of my father and Ronnie and she didn’t pull it away. She actually squeezed her hand tighter around mine. It was hard to concentrate on my guests when all I could focus on was the galvanizing surge running through my body because I was hand-in-hand with Mara.
“So Taggart,” My dad always called me that and it never failed to put fear in me to hear him say it. “I think it's time we talk about going back to work.”
I closed my eyes in a vain attempt to make him disappear. �
��Yeah, Dad, well, I’m not sure that I’m ready for that yet.”
“Oh, bullshit, Taggart. You’ve taken long enough to wallow in your own self-pity; it’s not fair to Ronnie and the gang to keep them from the spotlight. This isn’t just your career we’re dealing with now.” Leave it to my dad to hold no punches. I plopped myself on the couch, taking Mara with me. I was still holding her hand, so she had no choice. “I know this hideous accident has knocked you for a loop, but your mom has been coddling you for way too friggin’ long. Get over it, Taggart and get back to what you were born to do.”
I looked at Ronnie with pleading eyes. He still had that smirk on his face. I shook my head; I felt betrayed. “Did you put him up to this, Ron?”
Ronnie sat down on the chair behind him. “He put me up to it, man; but we’re gettin’ nowhere with you. It’s been seven years guy. Seven years since we produced anything. Don’t you miss it, Tagg? Don’t you miss the music?”
Of course I did. “Of course I do.” I turned to look at Mara. I was feeling vulnerable and I needed her for reassurance. She was looking at me and she gave me her sweet, almost smile. She squeezed my hand, as if to say, I’m here. This gave me strength; I wasn’t surprised.
“C’mon man. We need you. We’re ready to get out there again and we would rather not do it without you.”
This did take me by surprise. “What?”
“Matty, Johnny and Me, we’re getting back out there. We want you with us, but we’ll do it without you.”
“It’s my band, man. Holland is my gig; I brought you into it, don’t forget that.” This was making me seriously angry. I knew I wasn’t ready to go back out there, but I sincerely hoped they wouldn’t stab me in the back and find a new lead singer.
My father stepped in as usual. He’d been pacing my living room the whole time. “Holland’s not just your name, Taggart. I gave it to you.”
What? “What? What are you saying?” But I knew exactly what he was saying. “You are an asshole, Auggie. You are a complete and fricking asshole.” I enunciated each and every word. I felt Mara’s hand tighten around mine. I’m sure she felt me trembling. I couldn’t keep from shaking. My father was willing to take my place as the lead singer in my band. I leaned my head back against the couch. Mara’s other hand reached across her body to rub my arm. I closed my eyes to let this calm me. My breathing steadied as I matched the pace in which she moved her hand up and down my arm.
“Look Taggart,” Dad was going to finish me off, I was sure of that. “I don’t want to take your place. You’re right, you are Holland. You are the one your guys want. Shit, you're the only one the fans will want to see singing up there. But, I understand these guys. The music’s in their blood. Hell, I didn’t quit performing until a few years ago, why should they? You guys are young. Shit, you may be nearing your forties, but look at all the old-timers up there kicking the young bands’ asses. Bon Jovi’s still rocking and still on top, man. Springsteen, The Eagles, they’re all still struttin’ their stuff and producing the best music of their careers. What happened to you back then, well, that just sucks. It does. But it shouldn’t be stopping you from living man. It shouldn’t have been the end of your career.”
I couldn’t respond to that. Not right away. So, Ronnie did. “Tagg, I know this is hard for you. I wanted to be there for you too. You wouldn’t let me. Maybe, just maybe if you had let me, you could have been over this already.”
I sat up straight. “I will never be over this, Ronnie.” But that was all I could say. I felt Mara’s hand loosen a little and I didn’t like that. It didn’t make sense. She was letting me know that she was there for me, by the touch of her small hand. Why would she loosen it now? What was she trying to say?
“I didn’t mean you’d be over your wife, Tagg. I miss Crystal too. I just thought, maybe you would have been able to move on a little.” My wife. Crystal. Nobody gets it. It was never about Crystal. Not really. But, maybe that’s why Mara’s squeeze wasn’t as tight. Maybe Mara thought it was about Crystal too. This new piece of information had suddenly brightened my mood. Because, if Mara was affected by the thought of my missing Crystal, then maybe Mara’s feelings toward me were similar to what mine were towards her. Hmmm.
“Dad, Ronnie, let me think about this. I can’t just suddenly change my course without thinking about it.” All I wanted to do was be with Mara. I had to get them out of my house, because I needed to talk to her. I needed to tell her what my despair had been all about.
Chapter Seven
Ronnie jumped up and gave me a big hug. “At least it wasn’t a no man, I can live with that. But, Tagg,” Ronnie took a moment, I guess afraid of not making me angry again. “Don’t take too long in making your decision. We’re really itchin’ to play.” Then he patted my back, shook my hand and walked out the door.
Dad, on the other hand, began to make himself comfortable in my home. He helped himself to one of my beers and searched my cupboards for potato chips. “Taggart,” he stuck his head around the corner from the kitchen to look at me in the living room. “Where are the chips? I can’t find them.”
“I don’t have any.”
Dad called again from the kitchen, “Okay, what about the cookies?” I heard cabinets slamming, the refrigerator door opening then closing. “Where is all your goddamn food?”
“Well, Dad, I’ve been trying to cut back a little, so there isn’t much.” I waited for his reaction. Silence. Then I heard footsteps slowly making their way around the bend from the kitchen.
He stood there with his hand on his chin, as if he were The Thinker statue. “I thought you looked different when I first saw you. You did drop a lot of weight. You look good, Taggart. What’s gotten into you?”
Mara’s gotten into me. She’s actually given me some zest for life again. “Well, I’ve been working out.” I turned to look at Mara who was now leaning against the arm of the couch. “Mara has been training me.”
Dad’s eyes were about to fly out of his head. “You’re being trained by a girl?”
I still had my eyes set on Mara, who was now rolling her eyes. I turned back to my dad, “Dad! What the hell?”
He was laughing. He was using that deep, guttural, Auggie Holland laugh that the world was so familiar with. He was so cocksure of himself; it made me mad. “I find it humorous that my son needs to be trained by a girl.”
“Dad, shut the hell up. You haven’t come around in a couple of months and when you do, you just can’t help putting me down. Nothing changes with you, does it?”
Dad just continued laughing. He plunked down on the recliner and guzzled his beer. I wished he would just leave. “Hey, Dad, don’t you have somewhere to be?”
He raised his eyes towards me but not his head. Instead he chose to look at Mara. “So what’s your deal, sweetie? I know you’re my son’s personal trainer, but are you his girlfriend, too?”
“No, Mr. Holland, but I am his friend.” Mara turned and gave her sweet smile to me. I couldn’t help but get all warm inside.
“Yeah… and I’m the Pope.” Dad got out of the recliner and came towards me with an extended hand. “Look, Taggart, I’m sorry I can be so gruff. You know how I am, but that doesn’t change the way I feel about you. I love you, boy, and I’m happy that you seem to be doing better. You look good. And, I’m glad you shaved that nest that was growing on your face. You got a nice face, son. A pretty one, just like your mother.” Dad saw that I was ready to defend myself; he put his hands up, “I just mean it’s handsome, not rough and weathered like mine. You look good.”
“Thanks, Dad. I think. I’ll… umm… let you know what I decide as soon as I can.”
“Right.” Auggie Holland was out the door.
Mara was sitting on the arm of the couch. I meandered over to her and took one of her hands in mine. She stood up and looked me straight in the eyes. “Are you okay, Tagg? He got you flustered, didn’t he?”
I turned up one side of my mouth in an attempt to smile. “Now tha
t’s an understatement. I’m sorry you had to hear all that. I mean my cursing and all. I try to refrain from using words like that around you, but he gets my blood boiling sometimes.”
Mara took both my hands this time. “Don’t worry about the cursing; I’m more concerned with the way your dad was talking to you.”
“Aw, don’t be. He’s always like that. I’m used to it. He used to treat my mom like that; now that got me mad. I vowed never to treat anyone like that.” I kind of looked down at the floor. “I guess my ways are no better, though. I guess I did pick up his cheating ways.”
Mara let go of one of my hands and led me to the couch with her other hand still holding mine. We sat down at the same time. “Tagg, tell me about it. The night Crystal died.”
“Mara, I told you that day over coffee.”
“You told me that she found you cheating and she took off and crashed her car. Those are the facts. I want to know what you were feeling. My guess is that you have never talked about it before and as much as it hurts to admit that your actions caused a terrible consequence, maybe you need to talk about how you feel about that. I mean really feel.”
“Mara, you just said my actions caused the crash?”
“Well, didn’t they? That’s what you said, it was your fault.”
“Yeah, but anyone else who tries to talk to me says that it wasn’t my fault; I couldn’t have known she was going to get in that crash.”
“But had you not been cheating on her, she never would have gone out. You said it yourself.”
I took my hands abruptly away from Mara. What was she trying to do to me? I saw by the fearful look in her eyes that she regretted saying that. “Mara, please leave.”
Mara stood up and started walking toward the door. She turned and said, “Look Tagg, I’m sorry. I shouldn’t have said that.” She looked down for a moment and shot her head back up. “But, I do believe that each and every decision we make, no matter how big or small, affects our lives in some way. No, you couldn’t have known what was going to happen, but that doesn’t change the fact that it did happen. You feel guilty, and rightly so. You’ve admitted you were wrong and I’m sure you regret the decisions you’ve made. I just thought that if you talked about it, constructively, that maybe one day you would be able to forgive yourself. It’s a difficult endeavor, but a necessary one. Again, Tagg, I’m sorry. I’ve overstepped my bounds. Call me when you’re ready to train again.” Mara walked out with her head down and her shoulders slumped. I felt bad. She was right. But it was so damn hard to forgive myself.
