Fml

by Shaun David Hutchinson

  Stella didn’t answer, but of course she knew what I meant. Even though she went to an all-girls school and had never kissed a guy, her informal education couldn’t have been so different from my own.

  “Anyway, I asked Cassie out and she said yes. It’s stupid, I know, but I agonized about where to take her. A movie seemed like too much pressure—holding hands and making out and all that—but hanging out at the mall didn’t feel like a proper date. It was Coop’s suggestion to take her to Pirate Chang’s Booty and Mini-Golf.”

  “They have tasty nachos,” Stella said. Pirate Chang’s is famous for a lot of things, but the nachos aren’t one of them. Stella had to possess an iron stomach if she actually ate and liked them.

  “I’d never been more nervous in my life than in the days leading up to that night. Cassie and I didn’t speak about it again except to confirm that I’d pick her up at seven, but every minute of every day, I obsessed over what I’d wear and what we’d talk about. I played every possible scenario out in my head. I even had contingency plans for rain and hurricanes and alien invasions.

  “Everyone kept giving me advice. Ben told me to tell her dirty jokes, Coop told me to read all of Cassie’s favorite books. But it was my mom who gave me the best advice. She told me to be myself. That was it. When she said it, I thought she was just being my stupid old mom, but as Cassie and I played through eighteen holes, I sort of understood what she meant. Once I’d told a couple of Ben’s jokes and discussed who my favorite little woman was—Jo, by the way—all that was left was me. Simon Cross. I couldn’t be Coop and I didn’t want to be Ben. I had to work with what I had.”

  The door opened inward to admit Ben. Coop stayed in the hallway and he wouldn’t meet my eyes. Ben held a bundle of clothes in his arms, which he tossed at my feet. “What happened?” Ben asked.

  “He made out with Eli,” Stella said. “There was tongue.”

  “Lucky bastard,” Ben said, but his heart wasn’t in it. I hadn’t even thought that if I lost Coop’s friendship, I’d lose Ben’s, too. In fact, the only reason Ben was probably here at all was to collect his prize for getting Eli up to Cassie’s bedroom as promised. “There’s some makeup remover in there too.”

  “Thanks,” I said, knowing full well it was Coop who’d thought of it.

  Stella dug around in her purse and tossed Ben the condom. He caught it and grinned. “I’ll let you kids get back to doing whatever it is you’re doing.”

  “Good luck,” I said, trying to catch Coop’s eyes. I wanted to go shake some sense into my best friend, but clearly that would have to wait.

  “Uh, yeah,” Ben said. “You too.” He put the condom between his teeth and skipped out of the room, closing the doors behind him.

  “Finish the story,” Stella said.

  I gathered my clothes and stood up. “I should change.”

  “So change.”

  “Do you mind?”

  It took Stella a second to realize that I was asking her to turn around, and she made an O with her lips when she got the hint.

  I continued talking while I peeled off my skirt and blouse and bra. “As far as dates go, it wasn’t the worst. We played and talked and I thought it was going pretty well. All the way up to the eighteenth hole. You’ve been, so you know how difficult it is—”

  Stella shook her head. “I only go for the nachos.”

  I laughed and told Stella she could turn back around. It felt good to be in my own clothes again—clothes with a crotch. I sat back down and held the makeup remover and cotton balls in my hands, unsure what to do. “How do you girls wear this shit all the time?”

  “Let me.” Stella took the bottle and scrubbed my face. She had a steady hand and I relaxed while she worked, wondering if she’d been serious about her job putting makeup on dead people.

  “It’s hard to describe the eighteenth hole if you’ve never played it. Pirate Chang built this crazy realistic fiberglass pirate ship. The hole is at the end of the walking plank in the center. To make that shot, you have to aim it between the crates holding the wenches, bounce it off the captain’s peg leg, and get it to roll down the plank and into the hole. You get only one shot because under the plank is a watery vortex that’s gobbled more balls than—” I coughed, embarrassed.

  “Your mom?” Stella suggested, which made me laugh.

  “Let’s never put my mom and balls together in the same sentence again. ’Kay? Thanks.” Stella winked at me and brushed my eyes closed so she could remove the caked-on mascara.

  “Cassie and I were standing at the hole and I was feeling pretty okay with how our date had gone. It wasn’t going to go down as the greatest date in the history of dates, but I’d done my best. Then, out of nowhere, Cassie told me that if I sank the shot, she’d let me kiss her.”

  I opened my eyes to see Stella’s expression, but she wasn’t wearing one. She was either really into removing my makeup or was deliberately hiding what she thought. I wasn’t sure what I wanted her to feel. I knew that when we were done, she was going to go downstairs and make out with Ewan, but a tiny, dumb part of me wished she looked a little jealous. Since she didn’t, though, I kept telling my tale.

  “Obviously, I couldn’t say no. If I made the shot, I’d go to school on Monday and everyone I passed in the hall would high-five me because they’d know that I was the guy who’d kissed Cassandra Castillo. We’d break out into a spontaneous song and dance number, like some kind of crazy flash mob.”

  Stella chuckled. “I thought that happened at only my school.”

  I smiled. “Making that shot was the scariest thing I’d ever faced. I put my blue ball on the mat and took aim. I didn’t know whether Cassie actually wanted to kiss me or if she was bored and wanted to torment me. I hoped that she’d made the bet because she wanted to kiss me as much as I wanted to kiss her, but if I sank the ball, it wouldn’t matter. She’d have to kiss me either way.”

  “Romantic,” Stella said with a tiny hint of sarcasm that I ignored.

  “I could do no wrong. Fate was guiding my hand. It felt like the whole universe was bending its will toward making sure I made the shot. Like I probably could have sunk it with my eyes closed. So I took aim, pulled back my club, said a prayer, and swung.”

  Stella let out a little meep sound and said, “And?”

  The part of me that was still angry at Stella for tricking me into dressing up like a woman so that she could get a video game wanted to leave her hanging. But I couldn’t do that to her. I couldn’t stay mad.

  “And Cassie grabbed my hand and pulled me onto the ship. Pirate Chang yelled at us from his little booth. He has a strict policy about boarding the ship and deals harshly with mutineers. But Cassie and I were impervious to his threats. We ran down the deck, following my ball as it bumped off the corner of the wench cage and banked off the captain’s peg leg at the perfect angle. I thought I was going to puke as my ball rolled onto the plank, heading for the hole. It circled once, twice, three times, and then fell in. I let out a holler so loud that people on the other side of the golf course stopped what they were doing to stare at us.

  “Hell, I nearly forgot Cassie was even there until she hooked her finger through my belt loop and pulled me up against her. I hadn’t hit my growth spurt yet, so Cassie and I were at the same eye level. God, I’d never been so terrified. All my preparation for this date and I had absolutely no fucking idea how to kiss a girl. Was I supposed to open my mouth? Did I use my tongue? How was I going to breathe? But it didn’t matter, because I was going to kiss Cassie. She actually wanted me to kiss her.”

  Stella held the dirty cotton balls in her tiny, tight fists. “So you kissed her?”

  “No.”

  “What happened?”

  I let out a sigh. “That’s the question, isn’t it?” The way Cassie looked, the way she smelled, the sound of her breath in my ear. Those things were as vivid as the night they happened. “I told Ben and Coop that Pirate Chang pulled me off of her before I had a chance,
but that was a lie.”

  Stella put down the cotton balls and pushed Mrs. Castillo’s castoff clothes to the side. There was nothing between us now but the air we breathed. “What’s the truth?”

  “I was afraid,” I said. “Not of kissing Cassie, but of what would come after that.”

  “What’s changed?”

  I hadn’t thought about that. In so many ways, I was still that stupid kid at Pirate Chang’s, too scared to kiss the girl of his dreams. I still wasn’t sure what would happen if I went for it.

  “The future,” I said. “It’s going to happen whether I’m ready for it or not. And Cassie may shoot me down and I might barely escape this party with a shred of my pride intact, but if I don’t face the future now, I’ll spend the rest of my life living in the past.”

  Stella and I sat quietly for a few moments. My face felt dried and puckery. There were no mirrors in the room, so I had to trust that Stella had done her job well.

  “Thanks,” I said. Stella probably thought I meant for the makeup, but she’d helped me realize that it didn’t matter what would happen when I told Cassie everything tonight; it only mattered that I do it. “I should get on with this.”

  “Yeah. It’s probably only a matter of time before Eli figures out that those are trick cuffs.”

  “What?” I scrambled to my feet, gawking at Stella. “Why didn’t you tell me earlier?”

  She began collecting her things, moving like she had all the time in the world. “The catch is difficult to find and Eli doesn’t look all that bright.”

  I took a deep breath to quiet the voices that were screaming in my head, the ones that wanted me to murder Stella. When I’d calmed down I said, “Wish me luck.”

  “Me too,” she said. “Ewan’s waiting downstairs.”

  I stopped at the doors and looked back. Stella stuffed Mrs. Castillo’s clothes into her purse along with her other things. “How do you fit all that crap in there?”

  “It’s bigger on the inside,” she said with a halfhearted grin.

  I itched to find Cassie before Eli escaped, but there was something about the way Stella looked that made me feel guilty for leaving her. I mean, she was the reason I was getting my shot with Cassie at all. “Maybe we can hang out sometime,” I said.

  “Sure.” Stella crossed the room and kissed me on the cheek. It came out of nowhere and I barely had time to react. Then she said, “You’re still perfect, you know. You always were.” And she was gone.

  Living the Dream

  Coop’s was the first face I saw when I opened my eyes. He was talking, but I couldn’t hear the words. Someone had muted the world, drained all the color from it. Everything was gray. I sat up, which was a mistake. The earth tilted and spun, and I puked until I was certain that I was going to turn inside out, forced to wear my guts like a macabre tuxedo.

  “Drink?” was the first word I heard. Ben handed me a lukewarm bottle of water. I swished and spat first and then swallowed a mouthful but didn’t think I’d ever rid my mouth of that tangy vomit aftertaste.

  “I think someone hit me with a car.” My whole body hurt. I wiggled my fingers and toes to make sure everything still worked and was in its proper anatomical location. The fall from Cassie’s window wasn’t far, but it was still a miracle I hadn’t broken any bones.

  Coop was dangerously close to a full-blown panic attack. “What the fuck were you doing?” he asked. His voice was an octave higher than normal, and when I looked closely, I could see the veins in his temples pulsating. I had to calm him before he did something stupid like call an ambulance, if he hadn’t already.

  “Practicing for the Olympics,” I said. “My landing needs some serious work.”

  Ben chuckled and helped me up. “He’s fine. In fact, I think the concussion improved his sense of humor, not that the bar was high to begin with.”

  I steadied myself on the tree, trying to keep the ground from shifting under my feet. The back of my head hurt, but when I touched it, there was no blood or anything. Overhead, light still shined out of Cassie’s window, but Eli was gone. His last word echoed in my head and I replayed everything, wondering how much of what he had told me was made up. I still clutched the scorecard in my fist, though. It didn’t matter what else Eli might have lied about because the scorecard was undeniable proof that that night had meant something to Cassie. That I meant something.

  “Nice shirt,” Coop said. His nuclear core was beginning to cool, but there was still an aura of frantic energy around him, and he could melt down if I didn’t keep assuring him that I was okay.

  The problem was that I wasn’t okay. I’d been duped by Eli Horowitz. Somewhere along the way, Eli had realized that I had an actual shot at proving to Cassie that I loved her. He’d tricked me into telling him my plan, and then had all but shoved me out the window to sideline me so that he could get Cassie for himself. I briefly wondered if I’d have been capable of something so underhanded if I’d been smart enough to think of it but brushed the thought aside. Time was against me and I still had a lot to do.

  “Can we move away from the puddle of puke?” Ben asked. “Those fries are starting to make me hungry.”

  Coop groaned and led us around the house. He kept a hand on my arm, for which I was grateful. I couldn’t admit to him how badly I hurt. The bruises from my fall were layered on top of the bruises I’d earned during my fight with Dean. My throbbing brain insistently demanded a handful of aspirin and a twenty-four-hour nap, but I knew that by the end of the night either Eli or I was going to be with Cassie. It was one of those rare prescient moments. The knowledge took root with such certainty that I’d have wagered my entire future on it. My injuries would have to wait.

  We sat down on the couch Cassie had stashed on the patio for safekeeping. It was quiet here, cool under the fan, and I was able to make an honest attempt to organize my thoughts. I was running on adrenaline and fear, but neither of those would carry me across the finish line.

  “What the hell is Sia up to?” Ben asked. He was looking behind him at the pool. It was lit up with primary colors and filled with inflatable animals. But this was no haphazard arrangement. The alligator was tail down, tied to the steps, and someone had decorated the waterfall with a series of interlocked inner tubes. Other kids I recognized from the drama club scurried around like ants converging on something tasty. I spotted Aja Bourne standing off to the side, watching Sia with a bemused expression. No . . . bemused wasn’t the right word. Aja was watching Sia the same way Coop watched Ben. With pride, admiration, and a sliver of mortification. In short, she looked happy. I didn’t know what that was all about, but it was kind of cool.

  “I need to go home,” I said. Coop and Ben had been arguing about what the drama kids were up to, but my statement grabbed their attention. My time with Eli had strengthened my resolve. It had brought the entire night into perfect focus. I had one chance to show Cassie that I loved her. Everything else had been a red herring. Roadblocks Cassie had thrown in my way to keep me from finding her. But I knew the truth now and I knew what I had to do.

  Coop nodded and grabbed his keys. “Agreed. We should probably think about stopping by the hospital first to get you checked out. I don’t know if you’ve noticed, but you look like hell.”

  “No,” I said. “I need to get something from my house and bring it back.”

  “You do realize you just fell out of Cassie’s window, are reeking of rum and puke, and that you probably have a concussion?” Ben said.

  I nodded, which was a terrible idea.

  “Is this a Cassie thing?” Coop asked.

  “Isn’t it always?” Ben said.

  Coop wasn’t joking, though. He was still King Serious, ruler of Grimland. “You fell out of a window. I heard a rumor that you got into a fight with Dean over a Ping-Pong ball. And I’m guessing it all somehow relates to Cassie.”

  “Please,” I begged. Coop already knew the truth; I was at his mercy. Coop could refuse to drive me home and there was nothi
ng I could do about it, but I hoped that he would hear my desperation and help me one last time.

  “Fine.” It was all he said to me. A few minutes later we were idling outside of my house.

  Ben threw a pack of gum at me and said, “In case you run into your folks.”

  I popped two sticks of gum into my mouth and got out of the car. As I walked around to the side door of the house, I used the time to compose myself. Puking had rid my body of some of the rum I’d consumed with Eli, but I’d absorbed enough of it that, combined with my likely concussion, I would have a difficult time convincing anyone of my sobriety, least of all my parents, whose alcohol-sensing skills were razor sharp.

  I stopped to take a leak in the bushes and didn’t notice that the lights in the kitchen were on until I saw my dad staring at me through the window over the sink. He was wearing his angry face.

  “Shit,” I said over and over as I finished watering the Christmas cactus and zipped up. In another time or place I might have been able to come up with a perfectly good explanation as to why I was pissing in the bushes, but right then, my mind was blank.

  The only thing to do was man up and walk inside like everything was normal, like I peed in the garden every single day.

  “What’s up, Dad?” I said, and tried to walk by him casually, not making eye contact.

  “I’m not even going to ask what I just witnessed,” Dad said. “But you’re not moving a muscle until you tell me what happened to your face, why you smell like a frat house, and why you’re wearing a Hanukkah shirt in April.”