Rainer: An MC Savage Motorcycle Club Romance Novel

by Dex, Trace

  If anything, we should be applauding her. But fuck, I really shouldn’t have given her my gun. But she also shouldn’t have come back to the shop in the first place. How the fuck did she even find us? Maybe this was her fault. Wait, no, we kidnapped her first. She wouldn’t know about any of this if those two knuckleheads grabbed the right girl from the beginning. So was it their fault? Maybe they should deal with her? Sid wouldn’t think twice about putting a bullet in her, but would I be okay with that?

  With more power comes more problems, it seems. Fucking hell, why is this so complicated? I don’t have time for this shit; why the fuck do I even care?

  I took a path off road into the dirt as the other three followed. The dust filled the air behind us as they rode beside me. I let them know I was going to stop soon. I chose the most secluded area I could find, far from the highway where I couldn’t see anything but mountains on one side and the ocean’s horizon on the other.

  Once we stopped, I took my sunglasses off and wiped it on my jeans before placing them in the front pocket of my leather vest. The strangest part was that Candace still held on tightly as if we were still driving, so I gently removed her hands away. No need to use force, yet. Not until I figure out what to do. Everyone gathered around after we parked our motorcycles but no one said a word.

  This dilemma was harder than I’d thought. I took a few steps away from everyone to gather my thoughts.

  Kill her? Let her live? Kill her? Let her live?

  “Fuck!” I yelled, “Fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck.” After a few deep breaths, I turned around and slowly walked back towards Candace without breaking eye contact.

  It’s time.

  ***

  Candace

  Did I really just do that?

  The air was warm and the sky looked like cotton candy. The sun was setting and the rumble from the seat below helped release the tension I felt in my body.

  My head lay against Rainer’s back, placed firmly against the skull logo on his leather vest, and my arms were wrapped around his waist. His body felt warm, but not enough to heat my cold heart.

  I didn’t know where we were going, but I didn’t care. As long as it was away from that garage.

  I couldn’t feel much of anything. After pulling the trigger, I just felt numb. Disconnected from myself more than ever.

  I couldn’t enjoy the sunset because the yellow reminded me of the spark from the gun, and the red sky reminded me of blood. My ears continued ringing to a point where I began to wonder if it’d ever go away.

  My eyes were fixed on the blurred asphalt during the ride. I felt as though it was a privilege to see or feel anything else, a privilege that I didn’t have or deserve, so I stopped trying to look around.

  Nothing could have prepared me for what happened. Honestly, I don’t even remember pulling the trigger, but I did. One second she was alive, then suddenly she wasn’t. Just like that. And it was because of me. It was all my fault that she was dead.

  I caught a glimpse of the others following us. Sid, Rocket, and Lanvin trailed close behind, while a few others were following at a near distance.

  If they were planning to kill me, I don’t think I’d try to stop them this time. I didn’t deserve to live anymore. No, not after today. Today I became something I never thought I could become. Today I became a murderer. A monster.

  Little by little, the crew began to disperse in separate directions with Rainer’s order until there were only four of us left. The warmth of Rainer’s body was the only thing that really felt real.

  As time passed, I felt even worse. The reality that I killed someone was hitting me hard and all I could do was hold Rainer tighter. He hasn’t said a word since we left, and I began to wonder if it was because he was upset or if people just didn’t talk on motorcycles.

  I felt a deep sadness for what I did. The glimmer of hope and happiness I had earlier today has gone and I felt dead inside.

  A million thoughts raced through my head and through the noise of it all came a sense of calmness. It wasn’t the type of calm a person feels when they are safe in their homes. Or the type of calm two lovers feel as they lay side by side with one another. It was different. It was a calm that came from acceptance. The acceptance that whatever would happen next, I’d be okay with it. Even if that meant that I was going to be killed, I was completely okay with it. I’ve made peace with myself and if anything, I don’t think I deserved to live anyways, especially not after what I just did.

  I don’t think I’d want to spend the rest of my life in prison either, that’d be even worse than my ordinary life.

  I had a lot of regrets, like why did I come here, why didn’t I listen to Mandy, why did I pull the trigger, but none of that mattered anymore. Even though the circumstances weren’t ideal, I’m at peace knowing I got to experience something people probably won’t ever have to deal with in their lives. And because of that, I felt like my time was up. Life couldn’t go any higher or lower than this.

  The white lines along the ground started to separate until I could see their long rectangular shapes. Rainer and the others drove towards the dirt where we all eventually stopped a few miles in.

  I didn’t even realize we were stopped until Rainer moved my hands off of him. I got off Rainer’s motorcycle and stood silently, embracing myself to stay warm even though it wasn’t cold at all.

  Soon after, Rocket, Lanvin, and Sid stood beside me. They remained dead silent as I looked up at them, defeated, wondering what they were thinking. None of them made eye contact, they just stared at the ground beneath Rainer who was facing away from us. He ran his hands through his hair and I watched his muscles tense, his tattoos looked like they were growing as he stretched his arms out.

  Everything seemed peaceful until he yelled, “Fuck!”

  Just like that, the calmness that lingered in my mind disappeared. I tried to make the feeling come back, but it was gone.

  “Fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck,” he yelled, each one louder than the last. Rainer took a deep breath, and I watched him closely as he turned around. Like a hawk locked on its prey, my eyes were his target. Without breaking eye contact, he clenched his fists and slowly made his way towards me.

  I guess this is it. Time to be brave.

  * * *

  CHAPTER FIVE

  Rainer

  I stared deep into Candace’s eyes. Her innocent light brown gaze stared back at me like it were some kind of contest, but I could tell she wasn’t challenging me. She probably wanted to know what we were all thinking.

  “You three go ahead, I’ll catch up later,” I said without breaking eye contact with Candace. She kept her gaze fixed on mine as well, though, which I thought was bold. She had a different look in her eyes from before. Not that I can read minds or any of that shit, but after someone’s been through all the shit I’ve been through, I can tell when something’s off.

  “We’re not leaving without you, brother,” said Rocket.

  “Yeah, we can’t leave you with this crazy bitch. She might try to kill—“ I lifted my hand at Sid to shut him up. “Just go, I’ll deal with this.”

  I could see them from the corner of my eyes as they stood around for a moment looking at one another. Lanvin shrugged a few times. Candace and I continued staring into each other’s eyes. She hadn’t blinked once and her sad eyes were already beginning to water.

  “Go!” I yelled.

  They shook their heads, looked at Candace, then walked away and hopped on their motorcycles.

  After Sid started his engine, I heard him mumbling some shit about how Candace needed to die.

  Rocket told him to leave it alone.

  Lanvin said something about how I gave her the gun so it’s not completely Candace’s fault, to which Sid smacked him on the head.

  “We’ll meet you at the clubhouse, brother. I know you’ll make the right decision,” said Rocket. I nodded, my vision still fixed on Candace.

  As their engines roared and they set off into the di
stance, the dust that was left in the air began to settle. Candace was squinting now, and her eyes were shining. I felt like neither of us had blinked since we locked our eyes on one another.

  I wondered if she was scared, I knew I would be if I were in her position.

  After a long bout of silence, I took a deep breath of desert air and ran my fingers through my hair. “I’m not going to sugarcoat this for you, sweetie, this was a huge fuck up, this shouldn’t have happened.” I began to pace back and fourth as I usually did whenever I needed to gather my thoughts.

  “You fucked up bad, real fucking bad.”

  I stopped and glanced at her for a moment, her sad eyes looked down as the tears began to fall. I didn’t want to do this but did I have any other choice?

  “You don’t even realize what you just did, do you?”

  She shook her head and fumbled with her fingers, and then she began to bite her lip. “Of course you don’t,” I said with a sigh. It’s really hard to be mad at someone when I know I’m also to blame.

  “That girl back there,” I said as I combed my hair back. “The one you shot in the head. She wasn’t supposed to die yet. No. Not until she gave us answers.” I began to pace back and fourth once again.

  “There’s really no turning back from this,” I said. “You single handedly started a war.”

  I stopped and stared at the ground. Maybe I should have left that part out. How the fuck am I supposed to deal with this.

  I began laughing nervously; it was a defense mechanism I had to protect myself. I took a deep breath and tried to compose myself.

  “You. You you you. You, of all people. Who the fuck do you think you are?”

  “I j-just—“ she murmured as the tears began to fall from her eyes.

  “You just what? You just thought you would waltz into our shop, uninvited, screaming my name at the top of your goddamn lungs, thinking you can just join our club? As if this were some fucking game? Do you realize how stupid that sounds?”

  “I’m sorry.”

  “Sorry don’t mean shit, it’s a little too late for apologies, princess.”

  She started sobbing more. I felt a thorn in my chest because I hated this, it didn’t feel right.

  I reached for my gun, cocked it, walked towards her and aimed it straight at her face.

  She looked up slowly and ignored the gun. Her teary light brown eyes stared into mine. She wiped her face for a moment with the towel I gave her and I watched as she forced a smile. She didn’t say a word; she just stood there, relaxed, smiling at me with tears in her eyes.

  “I have half the mind to blow your brains out right here,” I said. “Give me one good reason why I shouldn’t just kill you right now.”

  I moved the gun closer to her but she didn’t budge. I noticed my hands were shaking. They never shake.

  “Come on with it. You’ve got a mouth. You didn’t hold back before, don’t start now,” I said.

  She started sobbing again, but her smile didn’t leave. It seemed like she had given up, and after all she’s been through, I couldn’t really blame her.

  “Crying ain’t gonna get you nowhere,” I said as I spit on the floor beside me.

  I stared into her eyes with my gun still pointed crookedly at her forehead.

  “There’s nothing I can really say except that I’m sorry. I don’t know what I was thinking, I guess I just wanted to impress you and the other guys.”

  “Impress? You wanted to impress us?”

  “I don’t know, I thought that’s what you wanted me to do. I thought that maybe if I shot her, you’d take me more seriously. I just wanted to belong to something bigger, for once.”

  “So you go and shoot a girl you don’t even know in the head? Committing murder like it’s nothing? All because you wanted to impress us?”

  She started sobbing even harder, yet the smile still remained. I felt a few tears in my eyes began to form too.

  “You said she deserved to die, so I believed you,” she said.

  “That’s all? Just cause I said that, you went for it? What if I was lying?”

  She wiped the tears from her face again and sighed. “I’m sorry, it’s my fault. I pulled the trigger. If you have to kill me, it’s okay. I won’t hold it against you.”

  I could feel my heart beating from my chest and my hand started shaking harder than before. I could hear the gun rattling and no matter how hard I tried, my finger wouldn’t pull the trigger.

  Candace wasn’t fighting at all. Who was this girl? Why was she so ready and willing to die? Why was she so okay with taking all the blame? Does she truly believe this is her fault?

  This wasn’t her fault and we all knew it. The guys knew it, too. Hell, even Sid, who’d never admit this fact, knew it.

  I knew it.

  But does she know this wasn’t her fault? I can’t fucking believe this shit. It’s wrong. She’s wrong; it’s not her fault. It’s my fault. Mine, mine alone.

  She never broke eye contact with me, no matter how many tears filled her eyes. She bit her lip a few times but continued smiling with a few heavy sobs here and there. I’d never seen anyone react this way when there’s a gun pointed at their face.

  My arm grew heavy from holding the gun, my finger clinging to uncertainty. She wiped her tears away again with the towel and tried her best to stand up straight. She took a deep breath and sighed, then smiled her pretty smile. Her beautiful fucking face was distracting as hell and I felt weak. I couldn’t explain it, but I felt like my mind stopped working.

  All I could think was that this girl was either crazy as fuck or brave as hell. Has she made peace with death? Why wasn’t she fighting for her life anymore? All these questions ran through my mind but no solid answer followed.

  The more I looked into her eyes, the more I felt like I was seeing her. And for some reason I felt like she was seeing me. The real me. I ran my fingers through my hair; my other hand still shook as it held the gun to her face.

  I started to squeeze the trigger, slowly, our eyes still locked.

  I pressed tighter and tighter until I heard a loud bang. It echoed through the mountains and the smoke followed soon after, moving through the barrel of the gun and into the air.

  Except this time there wasn’t any blood on my hands. There wasn’t a dead body on the floor. Nothing.

  Just my hand in the air, gun pointed at the sky. And Candace, with her fragile existence, standing silently before me.

  I couldn’t do it. I couldn’t fucking do it.

  “Fuck,” I said as I dropped the gun to my side. I paced back and fourth for a few seconds, trying to make sense of all this. Then I stopped in front of her, her eyes wide and a soft smile forming at the corners of her mouth. A tear fell slowly down her cheek as she took a deep breath.

  Our silent gaze into each others eyes felt like some sort of subconscious connection was happening that neither of us would ever understand. After a moment, I pulled her in. She wrapped her arms around me and began to cry against my chest as I watched the sun disappear into the ocean.

  She let out all her emotions as I held her tight and whispered in her ear, “It’s not your fault.” My eyelids were heavy as I tried my best to keep the tears from falling out. “It’s not your fault.”

  * * *