Strong Enough

by Teresa Hill

  “I can’t toast to something like that Reece. Things from our past can suck but we also have a choice to do them differently. It doesn’t have to be about reliving the past but instead about revitalizing something we have enjoyed and continuing it because it makes us happy.”

  “Guess it just doesn’t mean the same thing to me as it used to,” I said somberly and quickly trying to change the subject. “Ok so that was question one, now what is your second question?”

  Hesitating at first, I see the worry but he continues anyway. “What happened to your dad?” Hearing the question causes my breath to hitch. I haven’t talked about dad’s death with anyone other than Danny and it’s been years since that has happened. My dad was my world, and then my world stopped.

  I’m looking at the ground trying to catch my breath. I wonder if he sees how difficult this is for me. “Zane, I don’t really want to talk about my dad,” I say as even keel as possible.

  “Maybe you need to even if you don’t want to,” he says with sullen filled eyes as his words hang over my head. He’s right, I don’t want to, that’s a part of my life that I have finally moved on from. Reliving it for someone just because they think they want to know me is bullshit.

  “What you think I need to do and what I’m going to do are two different things Zane. But I will say right now I need to have another shot, and I’m going to have one. So if you would like to ask a different question go right ahead,” I stated with a sarcastic smile.

  Tipping my head to the bartender I motion for another shot. I am feeling the alcohol at this point and I like the way it feels. I don’t drink often and typically stop at 2 drinks. Being a bartender I see what getting shit faced looks like and the stupid shit people do, so I try to stay as aware as possible. But sitting here right now, I want only one thing, to not feel this anymore.

  “Reece, I think you need to slow down, you have had quite a bit in a short amount of time, and it’s going to go straight to your head.”

  “Back off Zane, I don’t need you telling me I’ve had enough. You don’t know me. You don’t know what it is enough or not enough for me and you have no right to make that judgment call. So you can either have a shot with me and we can get back to our evening or you can back the fuck off.”

  Taking my next shot, I set the glass down. Looking to my left at Zane the room starts to move with it. He is standing so close but so far. His eyes are glazed with concern and anger. I can see he doesn’t know what to say to me but he is not happy with me.

  “Reece your right, I don’t know you, and I sure as hell am not someone to make the decision about what is enough for you,” he is reaching into his wallet, “because God knows as much as I want to know you, as much as I want to be there for you, you won’t let it happen so why the fuck am I trying.” He finishes as he throws a wad of cash on the bar. Motioning to the bartender. “That should cover the tab and whatever else she wants to drink tonight,” he states, then turns and walks out of the bar.

  I continue to sit at the bar staring at the door he just walked out of in shock. What the fuck just happened?

  “Can I get you something else?” The bartender asks as he takes the empty shot glasses away.

  “Yeah shot of Goldschlager.”

  Placing the shot in front of me he steps away. Sitting there I run my finger around the lip of the shot and think about what Zane said. What does he mean he wants to be there for me? Wants to know me? Why me?

  Motioning for another shot, I try to figure out what his game is. What does he want to get close then leave me too? He doesn’t want to know my dark side, hell I don’t want to know it, I think as I slam back the next shot.

  Time flies when you’re getting drunk apparently. I look at my watch and see that it’s almost 1:00 am and I am done, I can’t drink anymore. Sliding off my stool it takes me a second to stable myself on my feet but do it pretty gracefully, at least I think so. No one seems to realize how drunk I am or they just don’t care.

  Sliding my hands down the front of my clothes to straighten them out I begin to walk toward the front door. Carefully putting one foot in front of another and doing my best to not do the drunk girl wobble.

  Passing Mark on the way out, I completely expect him to stop me, tell me I can’t drive and make me call a cab. Instead he just nods his head and says have a good morning. Damn I must be really good at being drunk. I smile back and tell him the same.

  Pushing open the front door the warm Texas air feels like a blanket of heat even at 1:00 am. I unlock my car doors as I approach. Grabbing the car door handle I attempt to steady myself as I swing open the driver side door only to be met with two very dark eyes. “Passenger seat…” is all he says.

  Chapter 11

  “Are you fucking kidding me right now? Get the hell out of my car you jack ass.”

  “Such hostile words from a very drunk girl who would kill someone if not herself on the road tonight. So like I said, passenger seat, now.”

  “Who the fuck do you think you are? I don’t have to listen to you.”

  Zane steps out of the car, his large frame brushes up against the front of my chest and my breath hitches from being so close to him. My hand reaches out to brace myself against his chest but I stop myself as his hands cup around my shoulders steadying me. Looking up at him I can see his jaw is clenched tight and his eyes are narrowed on me, but not with anger, its frustration. Every bit of me wants to run my hand along the side of his jaw to feel his intensity. If I didn’t know better I wanted to ease his tension. But this is me we are talking about, closed off and shut down Reece, moments of vulnerability are not something I entertain.

  “Don’t touch me, I can take care of myself thank you much very.”

  “Thank you very much….”

  “Huh? That’s what I said!”

  Laughing a little. “No, you said thank you much very. I was just correcting you. Now get your beautiful ass in the passenger seat so I can get you home.”

  I start to argue when his words register with me. Did he just call me beautiful? Or was it just my ass he was referring to? Does it really matter? Quietly I step back from him and make my way around the back of my car running my hand along it for stability. Before I can reach for the door Zane is there ready and opening it for me. Giving a lopsided smile, I fall into the leather seat and lay against the head rest closing my eyes to stop the world from spinning. It’s not working. I can sense Zane is close to me and he’s getting closer.

  Opening my eyes I see him directly in front of me, and I’m startled. His face mere inches from mine. I can see the creases along his eyebrows from where they have been pulled together. His breath lightly caresses my face and lingers under my nose smelling like sweet mint. My eyes shift to his lips and imagine how soft they must be. Pink and full with a slight pout making them completely kissable. I forget to breathe thinking about tasting his lips. “Click” the sound refocuses me and I glance down to see Zane’s hand on my seat belt. “Can’t get you home safe without your seatbelt.” His smile flitting. I slowly and slightly nod my head in agreement with him while I remain fixed on his.

  “Reece,” he says a bit breathlessly. Still so very close to my face. The feel of his whiskers from his scruffy neatly trimmed beard could be felt as his lips suddenly softly brush mine.

  His touch so light and sensual that my eyes close trying to capture the feeling to memory. He stills with his lips on mine, not pushing further but I can feel the desire. “I need to get you home,” his lips say against mine. Still sitting frozen I am barely able to whisper okay.

  His lips leave mine and it causes me to open my eyes and see him still gazing at me. He smiles slightly then pulls away and exits the car shutting the door. Seconds later he climbs into my driver seat. Drunk or not I am agitated about him driving my car. No one has ever driven my car but me. Unfortunately for me there is nothing I can do about it now so I sit quietly staring out the window as he exits the parking lot.

  Did he really just
kiss me? Is it possible that I’m so drunk that my lips have taken on a feeling of their own and they imagined him leaning further in then he actually was? Is it possible that I wanted him to kiss me so badly that I am suffering from some kind of phantom kissing disorder? I must be really drunk because I haven’t wanted anyone to touch me in any way like I want him to.

  Watching the movement outside the window is causing my stomach to shift and my head to swim. I lay my head back and close my eyes. This has been one hell of a day. How did it go from gym time with Sterling, to date with Sterling, to Sterling getting physical and scaring me to Zane rescuing me, going out with Zane, and now who knows with Zane? Oh and me getting shitfaced in the process?

  “You okay over there?” He asks glancing at me with concern. “You’re not going to throw up are you?”

  “No, not going to throw up,” I say softly moving my head side to side against the headrest. “Just thinking.”

  “Oh yeah, what about?” His eyebrow lifting in question when I open my eyes to glance at him from my rested position.

  There are a lot of ways I can answer his question. After all, I am thinking about a million things it seems. Rolling my head toward the window I open my eyes and look out. The sky is dark with a deep purple and blue haze. The moon can barely be seen but light is still showing through the clouds. It’s actually very pretty. This is one thing I love about Texas, the sky is so pretty at night and normally the stars shine bright.

  “It was a training accident.”

  “What was?”

  “My dad, he died during a military training exercise. He was with the military police in the Air Force. He had been to war, went all over the world to fight terrorism and protect the United States. He served twenty one years in a hundred different dangerous situations, many of which he should have died. But that wasn’t the case. They called it an accident, careless is more like it.” Pausing I reach up to wipe the tears that are running down my cheeks before I continue. “Dad was part of a sniper unit, when they weren’t out on missions they were on base running drills. That day, dad agreed to help out with weapons live fire training. They had just finished shooting and dad was inspecting weapons. He never knew what hit him.”

  Choking out the words still staring out the window, I can’t seem to catch my breath trying to continue. Zane reaches over and lightly rubs the back of my neck, it’s a subtle touch that calms me to be able to breathe.

  “The airman didn’t put the safety on. We don’t really know exactly how it happened but his rifle discharged and dad was in the line of fire. They say he died instantly and didn’t feel pain. I have tried to use those words to comfort myself but it hasn’t worked. I was 12 when he died. My world ended that day. I’ll never forget being at the park across from the house with…”

  Silence fills the car, memories fill my head.

  “With who?”

  “With Adam. We saw the car pull up and the Chaplain rang the doorbell. The minute mom answered the door she knew. From across the park I saw her face turn white and her knees buckle. It was that moment in time that my world stopped turning. I don’t remember much after that. I barely remember the funeral. Adam wouldn’t let me out of his sight. The hours slowed, the days stopped and living was nonexistent. I was so angry, I wouldn’t talk to anyone except Adam and it was pretty minimal even at best. It didn’t take long for mom to fade. She lost her world too. Nothing mattered to her, not even me. The booze started pretty quickly, it relieved the pain briefly. When it wasn’t enough to kill the pain she started with the pills. Most days she didn’t even leave her room. If it wasn’t for Adam I’m not sure I would have had anything to eat. The downward spiral with mom sped up pretty quickly. Within 2 months, she was useless. Danny stepped in to take care of things financially. Being a military brat you learn how to care for yourself quickly. Mom stopped worrying about me and my needs and started focusing on her next fix. Once we had to leave base housing, well that’s when things really got bad.”

  Zane’s hand left my neck only for him to gently wrap it around the top of my hand that is resting on my leg. Gently squeezing my hand for me to acknowledge and accept his touch, I willing accept his touch and rotate my hand up and accept the warm comfort of his palm in mine. I can’t look at him as I continue.

  “By the time I was 14 I was completely taking care of myself as well as the small house we lived in. I cooked, cleaned and even helped Danny make sure all the bills were taken care of. When I wasn’t in school, cleaning or cooking, I was with Adam or in the bar with Danny. Mom was never home. The rare occasion she was it was with some random guy and she didn’t even acknowledge or notice me for the fact that she was so messed up. By the time I was a sophomore, mom latched on to some guy that had money and didn’t give a shit that she was always messed up. She never came home anymore. When I turned 16 is when the hatred for me developed. When she found out about the money my dad left me in his will, she lost it. Told me I was a spoiled rotten brat who didn’t deserve it when she was the one that lost her husband. Adam left that year to join the military. He left me alone. I had no one. Things never changed. I left and went to college the next year. I haven’t seen or heard from my mom in well… fuck I don’t even know. Danny keeps track but I don’t ask.” I finish still gazing out the window shaking my hand loose from Zane and rubbing my sweaty palms down my legs.

  I watch as he slowly brings his hand back to the steering wheel after getting the hint that I wasn’t into holding hands anymore. I almost can see the dejection on his face as he stares out the front windshield. His strong jaw clenched and eyes focused and a little strained as he concentrates. His left elbow rests on the door while his hand guides the wheel. His stature shows his strength but his face shows intensity.

  “Is your dad dying and you essentially losing your mom what you’re hiding from the world?”

  His question seems a little brazen. I’m not one for self-pity but fuck. Biting back to not answer so bitchy, “I’m not hiding. I’m here, see me,” I say as I slap my hands against my chest. “Hiding would be no one knowing I existed. So no Zane, I’m not hiding.”

  He ignores my comment. “What else happened to you Reece, what else have you lived through that you can’t be you?” He finishes as he pulls into my apartment complex and parks. Killing the engine he sits there same position with his arm resting on the door. I don’t know what to say with the vibe being so uncomfortable. My vulnerability meter has reached its max.

  Shifting quickly in my seat to look at him, the car spins a little faster causing me to briefly shut my eyes. Giving myself a minute with my eyes closed to adjust, I suddenly feel his lips press against mine and his hand slides up my arm and into my hair. Weaving his fingers through he grabs the back of my head and presses gently intensifying the kiss as our lips are pressed closer together. I don’t want to open my eyes. I don’t want to ruin this moment and I don’t want him to stop. My hands slide up the outside of his arms running over every muscle slowly up over his shoulders until they reach the back of his head. His frame is so much bigger than mine I have to shift closer to him as my hand runs up the back of his neck and into his hair. He moans slightly on my lips as I gently massage his head. He pulls back slightly as I open my eyes. His eyes filled with desire, the same desire I am feeling. No words are exchanged just a look. He pulls me back to his soft lips caressing my bottom lip with his tongue. Shivers run down my spine as I pull him closer, accepting his tongue. The kiss deepens as our bodies press into each other. Damn car console. With his hand still tangled in my hair he pulls down slightly exposing my neck as he leaves my lips and kisses his way oh so slowly down. His lips are like fire on my skin burning from the desire I have for him. Gently moving across my skin kiss by kiss until he finds the spot under my earlobe that drives me insane. His thumb runs under my ear before his lips land there as he slightly nips then sucks on my skin. My fingers dig into his shoulders as the sexual desire floods me. He moves away from my neck and back to my lips in a f
everish movement as our lips meet again. This time it’s me moaning into his mouth. I can feel a smile spread across his lips as he takes my lower lip into his mouth and gently sucks and releases it to follow up with a small nip. God how I love that. Pulling back his smile is all I can see. I don’t know if the cloud of haze is from the alcohol or his kisses. Either way I haven’t felt this good in a very long time.

  “I need to get you inside,” he says, whispering close to me.

  Still in a bit of a daze. “You can take me anywhere you want.” Was the ridiculous comeback I had.

  “Oh is that so….” He chuckled at me.

  “At this very moment, yes, that is very so.”

  “Let’s start with just getting you home.” He smiles.

  I lean back away from him as he opens his door and gets out. Falling back against my seat I’m trying to wrap my brain around what is going on and how I feel about it but my damn head is still spinning. I have said more to him than I have to anyone, and fuck I don’t like that feeling. I do like the feeling of his lips on mine though. I swear there is something about him I recognize, connect with and I’m not sure how I feel about that. I can’t let a hot guy, with an amazing body and very kissable lips be the reason my guard goes down.