by Jillian Neal
“Well, I’m glad no one asked you, because I’d hate to have to beat some sonuvabitch’s ass into the ground for hitting on my wife.” Brock winked at her as he adjusted the baby’s blankets. Hope swooned as she watched his calm tenderness with Jamie. She couldn’t seem to stop smiling that evening. It was a welcomed change from the despair she’d been feeling lately.
“All right, you two, I’ve been needing to hold a baby, so you go dance. I’ll watch this little pumpkin.” Jessie edged Brock out of her way so she could get to the baby.
“Come here to me, sugar.” Brock stood and offered Hope his hand.
As they melted into each other on the dance floor of the only restaurant in town, he whispered in her ear. “I’m so sorry for everything you’ve been through, baby. So fucking sorry. I know I screwed up, but we have to fix all of this together. I need you to talk to me again, Hope. You used to tell me everything. I miss you like crazy. You’re my wife now, and you’ve always been my best friend. Please, can we start over and do this right?”
“I want that, too, but there’s so much we need to do differently. We can’t work on this marriage if you’re never home. I miss you all the time. We’re never together. I know you have to work, but I want to go with you when I can.”
“I’d love for you to go with me whenever you want, but I swear, darlin’, I’m not gonna work so much anymore, just give me a chance to prove myself.”
Hope stared into the pleading depths of his hazel eyes. “I’m so sorry. It’s not just your fault. I didn’t do anything but sit around feeling sorry for myself. I never tried to make a life here. I just expected you to make one for me, and that isn’t fair.”
He cradled her closer. “Wanna go on home and really talk this time? Even if it takes all night or all week. I want to talk until we run out of problems to solve. I want to talk about the baby, and the lingerie, and the house, anything at all that you’ve been feeling. I’m anxious to get started fixing this. I don’t want to wait one more minute. God only knows what might blow up next.”
“That sounds perfect, but I’m really hungry again,” she confessed with a sheepish grin.
Brock’s sexy chuckle made her heart skip its next beat. “I bet you are, sugar. I thought you’d already eaten. Come on, let’s get some supper. I’m half-starved myself.”
Chapter Fifteen
Brock grinned as a soft sigh escaped his wife. She was snuggled into his embrace on their sofa. He’d stopped in at Merle’s before he’d met her at Saddlebacks to purchase dry firewood. He wasn’t sure how he was going to keep a fire going until he could get some gas logs in Lincoln, but currently there was a fire blazing in their living room, and the entire house was warm.
After hearing all of her concerns, he’d begun his apologies by promising her that he had no intention of going anywhere, ever. He continued, “Not teaching you to drive here and not spending any money on us was ridiculous of me to even think, much less insist on. I work my ass off, and somehow didn’t think we deserved any of the money. I was being stubborn. I can’t promise I won’t ever be stubborn again, but I swear I’ll try to be better. And I will be here for every single thing, sugar. I’m so sorry I haven’t been. Every doctor’s appointment, every diaper change, every single thing.” The warmth of the fire and of his wife’s sweet grin eased the chill in his bones he’d been so convinced the day before he’d never rid himself of.
“I know you will, but I have to change some things, too. I have to be an active participant in our life. I’ve lived on a ranch for weeks and haven’t even ridden a horse or been out with you to help you with all of the work. I don’t know what to do about the library, or the house, or anything, but I want to learn. I should have asked you or your family instead of stuffing everything and trying to figure it out on my own. I think not knowing is part of what made me angry. I feel like I don’t know anything, and I hate feeling that way. But I shouldn’t have taken it out on you. I guess I just wasn’t used to not knowing. I mean, I was a certified bookworm all through school. It made me feel stupid to not understand this town and the ranch.”
“Okay, so we both have some things to work on, but I feel like I moved you up here and threw myself into ranching, trying to prove something to a bunch of dumbass cowboys that want me to pay for the sins of my father. In actuality I ended up acting just like him.” He heard the disgust perforate his own tone. Shame churned in his gut.
“Brock, no you didn’t.”
“I did. I acted like a stubborn know-it-all. Just like him, I was a fool. I somehow made myself believe that if I made a lot of money right off that I’d shut them all up. People are always going to believe whatever the hell it is they want to believe, and the only person I ever want to prove myself to is you.” He watched tears track down her sweet face and tried to wipe them away. “The reason you feel like you don’t know anything is because you don’t. I never got off that horse long enough to teach you anything. I dragged you up here, stuck you in a freezing cold house, and went to work. I don’t know what the hell was wrong with me.
“I should have told you never to order anything in the mail that you don’t want everyone to see. I should have explained how the ranch works and how the town functions. I should have taken you to Lincoln to let you buy things for our home, or new clothes, or anything that made you smile, even if I’m not around to get to see it. I should have made sure that you knew how to drive out here and how to get places. I should have warned you about people like Ms. Bellamy. I should have been here to answer your questions. I should have done a lot of things I just didn’t do, and I am so, so sorry. Tomorrow, we’re going to Lincoln to do all of that. As soon as I’m done with chores we’re gonna figure out some way to make this house a home. I’ll start the new addition as soon as the snow melts.”
“New addition?”
“Sweetie, there’s only one bedroom and one bathroom in this house, and they’re small. I was kind of thinking our baby might need a nursery, and that we might not want to share a bathroom with our kids. Besides, I have to rip out all of the sheetrock and replace the old insulation to keep it warm. This house needs a lot of work. I’m sorry I couldn’t get it fixed before I moved you in, and I’m sorry I’ve let you live in this freezing cold home as long as I have.”
Hope glanced around her home. She loved the glow of the firelight but couldn’t imagine how they were going to expand it. Brock was an amazing homebuilder, but that work was going to be even more work on top of everything else he already had to do. “That sounds like a lot of work. You’re already so busy.”
“I’m gonna hire some hands. Like I said, it was ridiculous of me not to. I can’t do all of this on my own. I need to be here more. I’m sorry I haven’t been.”
Something else plagued Hope. Now that they were really talking and she was able to process things, her Gypsy sensitivities returned to her. “Brock, what you just said about acting like your dad, is that what scared you about the baby? Is that what you were talking about when I came to see you while you were working on the fence? Because you’re not him. You’re amazing, and sweet, and kind, and you do take care of me. We just kind of got a little off track.”
He stared at her. The firelight flickered in his eyes. She watched his Adam’s apple contract as he swallowed harshly. “Yeah, that’s at least some of it.” The admittance brought that all too familiar shame to his eyes. She’d seen it there for years. After their wedding, it had disappeared somewhat. She hated to see it return.
“Please don’t think that. You’re going to be such a great dad. I mean, I was really freaked out when we found out. I don’t know anything about babies or being a mom, but I’m also really excited. I imagined it being a few years later, but I always kind of saw us having a family. I know it’s stupid, and after everything that happened you probably never want to step on a ball field again, but I used to imagine you coaching little league with our kids.” She felt blood pool in her cheeks as she laughed at her own fantasies.
&n
bsp; Brock leaned and brushed a kiss on one of her overly pink cheeks. “I wouldn’t say I never wanted to step on a ball field again. Football and baseball are kind of in my blood, even if I shouldn’t have been allowed to play when I did. I just don’t ever want our kids to play sports because they think they have to. I don’t ever want to pressure them, like my dad did me. If they want to play, then I’ll be right there, right beside you, cheering them on. If I can help them, I’ll do that, too.” He shrugged. “I just hope I’m able to help them with more than learning how to throw a ball.”
Hope shifted so she could study him more closely. “What do you mean? You’ll be able to teach them so many things — how to run a ranch, how to ride a horse, how to be an amazing husband, and you’ll be showing them how to be an amazing father.”
He shook his head and gave her his customary grunt that said he didn’t agree.
“Brock, we both screwed up, but we’re both willing to fix this. You are an amazing husband.”
“I swear I’m trying to be. I’ll get better. I just ….”
“You just what?”
Gently he lifted her chin. A storm of panic crashed in his eyes. “If I ever do anything that scares you. If I’m ever too rough with you or with our kids, swear to me right now that you’ll tell me immediately. If you want me to talk to someone about my dad, I will. I will never do to you what he did to me and my mom.”
“Brock!” Hope shook her head. “You have never ever done anything like your father did, and you never will. Your father made horrible choices.”
“So did I.”
“Brock, please. You know you’re not him. And yeah, maybe both of us haven’t really been making the best decisions lately, but you know there’s something you do that your father would never have done.”
Doubt etched itself on every chiseled plane of her husband’s face.
“You admit when you’ve screwed up. You try to fix it and to do what’s right. You try so hard to take care of me, and I know you’ll always take care of our babies. You love me. You love him.” She caressed her hands over her still relatively flat stomach. “And maybe I’m wrong, but it just never seemed to me that your father knew how to really love anyone. He was really screwed up, Brock, but you’ve spent your entire adult life trying to run from his demons. Let him run from his demons. All you have to do is be here with me. Together we’ll deal with our own demons, and we’ll live our life.”
“Him?” Emotion choked his questioning plea as he gently placed his right hand over hers on her midsection. His brow furrowed in confusion.
Hope beamed at him. “I don’t know for sure, but I always kind of imagined us having boys … just like their daddy.”
“God, I hope they’re so much better than I am, but you’re right. I’ve got to stop trying to slay demons that aren’t mine to slaughter. And being right here with you living life is all I’ve ever wanted.”
“There’s something else bothering you. I can tell. I am part Gypsy you know.” She smirked.
Chuckling, he brushed a stray strand of her long blonde hair behind her right ear. “Prettiest damn Gypsy there ever was.”
“Tell me what else you’re afraid of.”
“Okay, I will, but when we’re finished talking about this, you have to tell me everything else that’s got my girl so terrified lately.”
“I promise.”
“I don’t know. I just I want to be everything for you and the baby. I want to take care of you, and I haven’t been doing that so well lately. And they’re gonna need me to … and what if I can’t … I don’t know.”
“What if you can’t what?”
“Hope, most parents read to their kids. They read them bedtime stories and teach them to read. They help them with their homework. I’m not gonna be able to do any of that.” He shook his head.
“Brock, that isn’t true. You’re reading so much better now.”
“There are still certain prints I can’t understand, and I didn’t actually learn anything in school.”
“Okay, well I’m just barely pregnant. I’ll help you learn anything you want to learn. We can go back through all of the Davis lessons again if you want. We can go over anything you need help on whenever we’re not working. We have a while before the baby will be reading, and we can read him bedtime stories together.”
“Yeah, I’d like that. I want to learn whatever they need me to know.”
“Believe me, I do understand that. I have no idea what to do about anything. I don’t know how to have a baby or feed a baby. The last diaper I helped change was my little sister’s, and I was only four.”
“Well, why don’t we learn all of that stuff together, too? I’ve bottle fed calves. Can’t be that different, right?” Brock winked at her.
Giggling, she shook her head at him and rolled her eyes.
“I love you, Hope, so much.”
“I love you, too. So, we still have a lot to talk about, huh?”
“Yeah, and we’re not stopping until we get through it all. Can we talk about the library first, sugar? Let’s take everything one at a time. I’ve needed to talk to you about this for a while, and I just haven’t.”
A sense of loss welled in Hope’s chest. “Do you want me to quit?”
“No, God no, that’s not it. I don’t want you to quit. I know you love your work, but …”
Shocked at his vehemence that she not quit, Hope wondered how she was going to keep working once the baby arrived. “But …?”
“When I lived here before, the library was open Wednesdays and Saturdays. According to Uncle Ev, at some point, the town changed it to Tuesdays and Saturdays because the church basement flooded, and the Lady’s Aide Society wanted to use the library for their Wednesday meetings until repairs could be made.
“It’s a little tough on the trucks getting you to and from work every single day. We really don’t live close enough to town to make a trip like that six days a week, and your salary isn’t enough to cover the wear and tear on the trucks. If you want to keep it open six days a week, I will figure out a way to make it work. I promise you. But if you want to learn more about the ranch, maybe hang out with me, and help out a little, and that would all be easier if you weren’t at work so much. I’d love to have you with me more. I’d love to have you with me all the time. On a normal week, if we ever get one of those, I’ll be here in the afternoons, when the morning work is done. Sometimes I have to go check everything at night, but you’re never here in the afternoons when we could hang out and talk. I’m sure Aunt Jessie will be happy to watch the baby whenever you need to be at the library, and I’ll take them out with me once they’re old enough for that. I’ll stay home with them when I can. I guess I was just wondering if I made our home a place you actually wanted to be, if you’d mind only opening the library a few days a week?”
“I’m guessing my salary also wouldn’t be enough to pay the hands to work so you can stay home.”
“It’ll help with that some, but not to pay them full-time. Six days a week would actually be overtime.”
“I don’t want to work so much anymore. I want to be here with you. I went to work to escape being here. I somehow felt a little less inept there. I know how a library works, after all. There really aren’t enough customers in this town to justify me working every day anyway. I knew that. I just didn’t want to admit it. Two days a week and being with you all the other days sounds really good to me. Promise that’s what will happen, and that we’ll somehow make this house warmer,” she negotiated.
“I swear to you, darlin’, we’re going to Lincoln tomorrow right after chores to get gas logs and the insulation. New stove, new HVAC unit, and anything else we need. And a new coffee maker. You know, so you can shoot the old one.” He winked at her as Hope doubled over laughing.
“Okay so I went a little insane yesterday, but I had a really bad day.”
Brock joined her laughted. She loved the way their laughter sounded together. She always had. “Tar
get practice would at least make it useful for something.” He shook his head and went on, “And it did occur to me that you might need some new clothes here in the next few months.”
“Ugh, I’ve already gained so much weight.” Hope felt guilty for lamenting the weight, but she was fairly certain the baby hadn’t had anything to do with it yet.
“I think you’re the most beautiful thing I’ve ever seen. You’ve gained weight where you always should have had it. You’re actually eating now, and damn, baby, but those curves drive me wild. My God, have you not noticed how I can’t keep my hands off of you? I’m pretty sure that’s how you ended up pregnant. You’ve always been beautiful, but now … I don’t know how to say it so you’ll believe me, but you take my breath away. And this,” he ran his hands over her stomach again, “I honestly can’t wait until you’re bigger. I can’t wait to kiss your baby bump, come up with new ways to be with you when he’s taking up your front half, and to see you swollen full of what we made together. I know we have a lot to change in the next nine months, but I can hardly wait. You’re everything I’ve ever wanted, and you’re having my baby. What could possibly be more beautiful than that, sugar?”
“Thank you for saying that. I just felt like everything I’d always known changed.”
“And I wasn’t there to reassure you,” Brock completed her thought because he knew the part he’d played. It killed him, but he forced himself to learn, to remember the pain of this moment. As far as he could tell, marriage was made up of millions and millions of moments. He wanted so badly for all of hers to be good, but that wasn’t the way life worked. He needed to remember this moment so he never repeated his mistakes.
Hope nuzzled her head on his shoulder. He was pretty sure she’d done it so she could close her eyes for a minute. When another yawn overtook her, he was certain. He grinned down at her. “How about if I take my babies to bed? We can keep talking as soon as I get back from feeding and checking that fence tomorrow.”
